Refuse to be a Dropout in the School of Life

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dropout

We’ve all seen the statistics –

A high school drop out earns less money and is more likely to be unemployed.

A high school dropout is more likely to commit crimes and spend time in prison.

A high school dropout has lower physical and mental health.

So we place a great emphasis as a society on encouraging our children to persevere and make it through 12th grade. We tell them it’s worth it. We offer encouragement and celebration when they’re on track and motivation and consequences when they’re not.

Because the lessons learned in school are important. And the consequences of not learning them can be dire.

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And then once the diploma is in hand (either high school or higher education), we back off. As though the learning is done.

When in reality, it’s really just beginning.

Welcome to enrollment in the school of life.

It starts young and you don’t graduate until your bell rings, hopefully a long, long, long time from now.

Whether you learn the lessons or not.

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And life’s lessons are way more important than the quadratic formula or who led the final battle of the Civil War. The consequences of not learning life’s lessons are even more profound.

How do you stop from being a dropout in the school of life?

Take some cues from the characteristics of those that successfully graduate from high school:

1 – They Show Up

Successful students know that they have to be present to learn. They make an effort to be there most days and they understand that a body in the seat while the mind is elsewhere is a waste of time. When they are sick, they allow themselves time to rest but they also understand that time away requires extra effort upon return.

Students of life understand that they need to be fully present and engaged. They don’t hide behind their phones or under the covers for days on end. They don’t call in sick every time there is a difficult task. They take time outs when needed, but don’t leave life on “pause” for any length of time.

2 – They Believe They Will Progress

Students are constantly presented with material that they cannot yet do. And the successful ones have faith that with enough time, effort and assistance, they will make progress and master the lesson. Before a student can walk across the stage, they have to believe that they can walk across the stage.

Life is the hardest teacher – the tests often come first, showing us what we don’t yet know. And it can be easy to become defeated. To give up. To drop out. It’s okay if you don’t learn it the first time through. There’s a reason summer school exists. You don’t have to be able to do it all at once. Just believe that by tackling increasingly bigger challenges, you’ll get to walk across that stage.

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3-They Are Not Afraid to Go to the Counselor’s Office

High school graduates are not afraid to ask for help. They’ll go to the guidance counselor for assistance with home issues. They seek out the graduation coach for hep preparing for the SAT. They show up at morning help sessions, ask the media center clerk how to locate information and talk to their coach about how to improve their high jump.

As adults, we don’t have all of that assistance under one roof, but it’s still there for the taking (okay, usually paying!). Students of the school of life acknowledge that sometimes they need support from outside. And they don’t hesitate to ask for a hall pass to the counselor.

4 – They Accept That Effort and Outcome Are Related

In class, strong students are not afraid to get their hands dirty. They are active participants in lecture and small group work. If they didn’t study for a test, they don’t ask surprised when they receive a failing. And they never try to blame the teacher for that F. Graduates accept responsibility for their own learning, starting with the effort they expend.

Life is not a spectator sport. You don’t learn about life only by watching others navigate through its obstacles. Life’s scholars don’t expect others to do the work for them or to sweep in and save them. Those who make As in life put in the effort and take the responsibility for their own happiness and well being.

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5-They See Mistakes As Part of Learning

Graduates are never without an eraser. They know that mistakes are inevitable and are nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of cursing their errors, they embrace them, understanding that the best learning often comes through mistakes. Furthermore, they are willing to start over. And over. Until they get it right.

Mistakes are a sign that you’re learning. Starting over means that you’re applying the lessons. Students of life don’t waste time wallowing in guilt or “shoulds.” Instead, they analyze the mistake, make adjustments and try again. And again.

6-They Don’t Allow a Bad Class or a Bad Teacher to Stop Them

Every student who has graduated high school has endured a bad class or a bad teacher. They have faced people who single them out, they have dealt with unfair situations and they felt beaten down. The dropouts let that bad moment spread, a ripple effect that influences areas that previously were okay. The graduates understand that bad classes happen. And schedules change.

Life isn’t arranged in classes, but hard terms most definitely exist. Often they’re not fair. Sometimes they are so bad that they threaten to spread into every corner of our existence. Life’s successful students work to find comfort in the belief that hard times don’t last. That fairness isn’t promised on the syllabus. And that a bad week, or month or year does not make a bad life.

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7-They Seek Out Mentors

Ask any high school graduate and they can name at least one adult in their lives that they look up to. They seek out and observe mentors, people further along the same path that they envision themselves on. They ask. They listen. They learn.

Successful lifers also have mentors, people they emulate and admire. They release the ego that says, “You’ve already learned everything” and they are open to discovering something new.

8-They Understand That Sometimes You Have to Jump Through Hoops

Those who stay the course through school are able to see the bigger picture. They understand how the little steps add up to a bigger outcome. They may grumble about the often-infuriating details that can interfere with progress, but they accept that sometimes they just have to play the game and jump through the hoops.

In life, successful students also accept that there are some things that they have to do even when they really, really don’t want to. They are able to step back and see how those details, even when pointless, fit into the bigger picture. And they’ll put their head down and make it happen.

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9-They Develop a Tolerance for Frustration

Learning gets messy. It gets arduous. It gets downright frustrating sometimes. High school graduates may have moments where they ball up the paper and throw it across the room in exasperation. But after their tantrum, they keep going.

Lifelong learners develop a tolerance for frustration. They feel it and then they let it pass. They learn how to mitigate its effects and how to ignore its squeal. Successful students have grit. True grit.

10-They Make and Keep Friends

Very few of those high school students who walk across the stage have nobody cheering them on. Successful students understand the importance of friendships and they prioritize creating and nurturing those relationships. They also recognize that no one friend will fit every need and they work to diversify their friend portfolio.

It may be harder to make and keep friends outside of high school, but it’s no less important. Life is so much better and richer with others by your side. They offer support, reality checks and a laugh when you need it most. Bonus points for slumber parties:)

 

Class dismissed:) Now go out there and learn!

I’m Determined to Make Marriage Work: Valuable Lessons From Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second marriage

“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” Oscar Wilde

“This is it, though.” I said to my then-boyfriend when he brought up the idea of marriage. “I want to be married again but this is it. I’m not going through another divorce.”

And with that vow, I decided to do some things differently in my second marriage. Because even though there is no such thing as divorce-proof, I can still make sure that I do everything I can to inoculate my second marriage from dissolution.

Choosing Differently

I based my choice of my first husband largely upon how he treated me. I chose my second husband more because of how he treated people other than me. It’s easy to treat somebody well when you’re in the sunshine-and-roses stage of a new relationship. That’s more a sign of hormones than character. But how somebody treats people in general? That’s telling.

I also looked for concrete signs in my second husband that he wasn’t afraid of imperfection and that he had a proclivity to repair rather than replace. My ex was concerned about appearances. How he was perceived. Weakness and flaws were to be feared and concealed. In contrast, my second husband sees cracks as an opportunity for creative problem-solving and reworking. I’m still learning from him on that one.

Awareness That Sustainability is Not Inevitable

I assumed that my first husband would always be there because he always had been there. I expected that marriage to last because I wanted it to. I thought that since we had been okay, that we would continue to be okay.

It was a naive view of marriage – seeing it like a Rube Goldberg design with it’s upfront work followed by effortless activity. I see more like a garden now. Yes, much of the work is concentrated in the beginning. But it takes constant monitoring and consistent attention to ensure its continuation. If it’s neglected for too long, the flowers will fall to weeds.

Never Take Anything For Granted (And Never Fail to Share Appreciation)

My ex husband was good to me. But I wasn’t always good to him. I transferred my work stress onto his shoulders, lessening my load but also burdening him. I would thank him for some kind deed, but then negate it with criticism about some detail. I expected him to help and grew accustomed to his willingness to do so.

Now, I allow myself to be surprised at every gesture of kindness or every offer of help. Not because it’s rare, but because I appreciate it every time. And I more generous with sharing that appreciation and keeping any disappointment in the details to myself. To say, “Thank you,” rather than “Thank you, but…”

Allow My Husband to Feel Like a Man

Perhaps because my first husband didn’t fit neatly into society’s stereotypes about being “a man,” or maybe because I went through my formative dating years without my dad around, I didn’t have an awareness of the importance of certain conditions and their impact on a man’s self-worth.

From my now-husband, I’ve learned about the importance of feeling like a man. Of feeling in control over his domain. Of being recognized for his contributions. Of feeling a need to protect his family. Of feeling a need to appear the strongest when at the most vulnerable. And of the shame and emptiness that can come from not feeling like a man.

Do My Own Thing (And Encourage Him to Do His)

My ex and I used to do most everything together. We enjoyed each other’s company and we enjoyed many of the same experiences. We even shared many of the same friends. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it meant that we grew to depend upon each other for much of our social, intellectual and entertainment needs. And that’s a lot to ask of one person.

Although I may sometimes grumble that I’m a Ju Jitsu widow, I’m glad that my now-husband has passions apart from me. And I make sure to engage in mine as well. Our separate interests keep us interesting to each other. It means that we get some of our needs met elsewhere, placing less demand on the marriage. I miss him sometimes, yet that also means that I’m always happy to see him.

Prioritize Self-Care and Extinguish Martyrdom

I can have an ugly tendency to do it all and expect empathy or recognition for my efforts. In my first marriage, I sacrificed my well-being for the financial health of the family, taking on every additional school and tutoring assignment that I could. Rather than doing it from a place of generosity, I often did it from a place of martyrdom – look how much I’m working for us.

Needless to say, that’s not a healthy approach. I now strive to recognize when I’m slipping into that mindset and when it’s noticed, I either shift to a place of giving or I switch to a period of self-care. I also work to be careful of my decisions. Rather than claiming I’m doing something because of someone else, I recognize that I’m choosing to do (or not so) that thing. The other person may be a factor, but they are not the causal factor.

Manage My State of Arousal and Anxiety

I can get pretty worked up. My emotions and anxieties can build until they feel like soda bubbles beneath my skin. In my first marriage, my ex became the expert at talking me down. All he had to do was wrap me in his arms, skin to skin, and my heart rate would quickly slide back down to normal. I grew dependent upon that power. And he abused that power.

When my anxiety is spiking, I can’t reason well. I can’t engage meaningfully and fairly in a difficult conversation. And I can’t listen fully because the fears are screaming too loudly. I’ve spent the past almost seven years (wow – has it actually been that long?!?) learning to recognize and tame my anxiety. I’m not always successful. But I’m always working to be better. And it’s my responsibility.

Have Patience With Problems and Openness With Solutions

I’m impatient when it comes to…well, just about anything. And problems (or perceived problems) in my marriage are not exempt. When I used to be upset at my ex for something, I would bring it up right away and expect an immediate solution. That led to a lot of bandaids, I figure, hiding the bleeding fatal wounds beneath.

I’m now more patient (sometimes too patient – always learning!) with bringing up issues. And I try to pose them as questions to be answered, not as problems with solutions I’ve already devised (which, let’s face it, usually consists of the other person needing to change). I try to be open to solutions that I haven’t thought of and be accepting of the fact that they may take time to work out. Curiosity and a sense a teamwork go a long way in negotiating life with another.

Be Willing to Confront and Challenge

When my ex was laid off yet again and had trouble locating a new company in his limited field, he elected to go solo. I supported him completely, surrounding him with pep talks and agreeing with all his decisions. But underneath, I had doubts. Both in his business model and in his justifications of money spent on equipment and software. Instead of just nodding along, I should have challenged his decisions. But I was afraid to.

When I have concerns now, I voice them. Not in an effort to shoot my husband down, but with the goal of helping him – and helping us – make better and more informed decisions. I’m not afraid to stand up to him, even if it means my toes get stepped on. A little bruising of the feelings is better than standing back and letting someone veer off course.

Trust But Verify

My avoidance of verification got me into real trouble in my first marriage. I took his word way too easily because it’s what it seemed on the surface and what I wanted it to be deep down. In my second marriage, I trust my husband. But it’s not blind trust.

I am also more aware of the importance of trusting myself. To see what’s there and to be okay even if I don’t like what I find. I’m better at checking in with my intuition and making sure it agrees with what I’m being told.

—–

It’s sad how many of us don’t really learn how to do marriage until we’ve buried one. I guess it’s one of those areas where we have to experience it to really learn it. I’m just determined to not need a repeat of the lessons. Because that’s a class no one ever wants to take again!

 

 

 

 

 

Reaching the Same Age – Adult Impostor Syndrome

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you remember when you thought adults had it all figured out? When you would look at your parents with envy and awe that they knew everything and they were allowed to stay up past 10 pm?

And then one day you reach the age they were then and you realize that you’re just beginning to figure stuff out.

And that’s on the good days:)

We won’t even talk about the bad days when it seems like you’ll never have your sh*t together.

My parents divorced when they were around the age I am now.

And that’s a strange feeling.

I was young enough at the time that I still thought my parents walked on water. It was impossible to wrap my head around the idea that these two people that seemed to know what they were doing in all other areas couldn’t make marriage work.

Because in eyes of a young child, marriage is pretty simple – I do, you do. Done.

And now that I’ve been through the end of a marriage and I also hear 40 knocking at my door, I see it so differently.

And I see them so differently.

They’re not the people who could do no wrong that I saw as a young child.

And they’re not the people who could do no right that I perceived as a teenager.

They’ve become people that I can now identify with and empathize with, at least as far as that phase of their lives.

I can now understand some of that anxiety my mom felt trying to keep it together when her world fell apart. I can relate to the loss of family my dad must have felt when he moved across the country.

And I’m betting that they were just as full of questions and uncertainty then as I am now (and especially as I was during my own divorce).

Because I’m reaching the conclusion that when it comes to adulthood, we all have at least a touch of impostor syndrome.

A sense that we’re pretending at mastery. Playacting at being grown-up.

But the truth isn’t that you’re faking it now. It’s that image you had of adults when you were young was mistaken.

Adults don’t know it all. Nor should they.

The only way to learn is to experience. Observe. Experiment. Adjust. And reflect.

And that never ends.

No matter your age.

 

 

 

Planning On Being a Stay At Home Parent? Make Sure You Consider THIS First!

Posted on by stilllearning2b
stay at home

Are you thinking of becoming a stay at home parent?

 

Brock and I recently finished watching the series Boardwalk Empire, which takes place in the Prohibition-era United States. After watching one heart-breaking scene with a woman and her kids, Brock turned to me.

“It’s so sad how women were trapped in bad marriages or devastated when their husbands left or died back then because of a lack of resources and opportunity.”

“Sadly,” I replied, “It still happens. I hear from women in that very position all the time.”

—–

Circumstances have changed dramatically since the early twentieth century. Staying at home to raise the kids is no longer an assumption, it is generally a carefully made decision. Couples weigh the pros (quality time with the child, no child care costs, more influence on development) against the cons (reduced family income, possibility of isolation or boredom for the parent who stays home, difficulty of re-entering the workforce down the road). It is still usually the female that elects to stay home if that decision is reached, yet increasingly, that role is given to or shared with the man.

The decision to stay home to raise children is an incredibly personal one, with many beliefs and goals entering into the process.

And I am not trying to sway you either way. That choice is entirely yours to make.

I just want you to think about all of the possibilities when you make your decision.

Because I often hear what happens when people don’t.

—–

“I need to get out of this marriage. His drinking is out of control and he’s starting to scare me. I don’t want to raise my kids in this environment. But I don’t have any money and I don’t work. What can I do?”

“My tsunami divorce happened when he sent me an email and then left. The courts ordered that he pay child support, but he’s only made a couple of payments in the last year. I stopped working 10 years ago to raise the kids and I can’t seem to get a job now. What do I do?”

“We always seemed to be okay financially. But then when she died, I learned that there was all kinds of debt I didn’t know about. Since she was the primary bread winner, we decided that I would stay at home when the kids were young. It’s been so long now, my former industry has changed. What should I do?”

I hate reading these questions. I wish I could help them into a time machine and take them back along with the knowledge that they needed to form a contingency plan along with their child care plan.

And I get why people often don’t. You don’t believe that it can happen to you.

—–

I was lucky. Even though I did a lot of things wrong in my marriage (secure in the belief that my husband really meant til death), I had my own career and my own income. My situation was also made significantly easier by the fact that we did not have children. I only had to worry about my own survival, not that of any offspring.

I didn’t follow up enough with the financial conversations that we had to ensure that his words matched the ledgers. I didn’t keep up with the myriad accounts, trusting that he had our best interests in mind. I didn’t have my own money, separate from his reach. I didn’t have an emergency plan for what I could do if the worst came to past. I allowed him access to my preexisting credit card. I didn’t know that he had canceled (or simply neglected to pay) the life insurance policy that let me sleep at night. And I trusted the courts would enforce their ruling that he was to pay me back.

I trusted him to take care of us. Of me. And I neglected to take care of myself.

And those mistakes cost me money.

If I had been a stay-at-home mom who made the same mistakes, the results could have been disastrous and so much larger than just a financial hit.

Because here’s the scary, sad and so-not-fair truth – It can happen to you.

You may find yourself wed (and dependent upon) an abuser. Scared to stay and yet unable to leave.

That same spouse that was so supportive of your staying home may decide that he or she no longer wants to return home.

The perfect parent may suddenly morph into somebody refuses to pay child support.

And through no fault of their own, your husband or wife may be struck down before their time.

And so as much as you hate to , consider those worst cases while you’re making life changes. Your life – and your kids’ lives – may depend upon it.

—–

If you are the partner who will be staying home, consider implementing the following as part of an emergency preparedness plan:

-Build an emergency fund that you have access to. If your spouse also has access, make sure that you periodically check to ensure it’s there. It really doesn’t have to be some great amount. Just enough so that you never feel trapped in that moment because of a lack of funds. This isn’t meant to be a primary savings account or some source of anxiety. Just a small insurance tucked away, hopefully never to be needed.

-Have at least one credit card in your name with a reasonable limit. One problem people often face after staying at home for a period of time is that their credit takes a hit. Use the card at least every few months and then pay it off to keep your credit score high.

-Before you decide to stay home, develop some education or job skills as well as some experience. It’s never easy to return to the working world after a break, but it’s a little easier if you’ve been there before and had something to offer.

-Consider work you can do part-time or from home. Even if the pay is not great, it is something and it keeps you from feeling powerless.

-Maintain connections with people who are in the working world.

-Build and nurture a safety net of friends and family.

-Stay sharp. Enroll in free online courses. Take on freelance gigs that relate to your former career. Keep up with the changes and developments in your industry.

-Have an outline of a “If the sh*t hits the fan plan.” Hopefully the outline grows faded and dusty. But if it’s ever needed, you’ll be so glad you put some thought into it when you could still think rationally.

-Have a pulse on the relationship and the family’s financial standing.

-If divorce is in the picture, don’t assume that alimony or child support will be awarded or promptly paid. Try to put yourself in a position where that money is nice, but not needed.

—–

There are times when you have to be dependent upon somebody else.

And that’s okay.

But never allow yourself to become dependent upon being dependent.

Because that’s a risk that may end up being too big to take.

This is one area where the motto I learned from the residents of a remote – and harsh – Alaskan town applies:

“Prepare for the worst. Expect the best. And live for today.”

Because even though it can happen to you, I hope it never does.

I just want you to be prepared just in case.

So that you are never in a position of asking somebody the unanswerable question, “What can I do now?”

Will I Be Alone Forever?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
alone

“It’s too late for me.”

“I’m too damaged.”

“I won’t be able to love again. To trust again.”

“Nobody will want me with all this baggage.”

“I’m going to be alone forever.”

Those were all thoughts that cycled stubbornly through my reeling mind after I was abandoned by my first husband. I was afraid that I would never again experience that greatest feeling in the world of returning to the sanctuary of loving arms after a bad day. I grew convinced that nobody else would ever whisper, “Love you,” as he slid my glasses off of my sleeping face. My mind’s eye alternated between playing slideshows of the happy moments of my now-defunct marriage and scenes from an imagined future where I grew ever-older and ever-lonelier.

It seems almost laughable to me now as I look back at that early end-of-the-world mindset that turned out not to have any prophetic powers.

It was anything but laughable at the time.

Those fears, sensing a new and fragile void, rushed in and filled every crevice with doubt about hope and conviction about despair. And I was a captive listener.

Understanding and Addressing Loneliness After Divorce

—–

There are five lies that those fears are telling you. Falsehoods that feed on vulnerabilities and insecurities at a time when our defenses are down and we crave some certainty in our torn and tattered lives.

When you start to recognize those lies, it helps to silence the fear:

Fear Tells Us Now is Always

At the end of a marriage, all you feel is loss. An ever-aching wound after a tooth has been pulled from its anchor. And when you’re feeling loss, it’s practically impossible to imagine joy. And it’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that the way it is now – hurting, lonely, scared – is the way it will always be.

Yet the one certainty in life is change. Today, whether good or bad, always morphs into tomorrow, often bringing with it unexpected visitors. Right now, you feel alone. Right now, you feel unloved. Right now, you hurt. Tomorrow? Who knows?

I was so proud of one of my students the other day. She confided, “I don’t like my life right now.” There’s wisdom for all of us in her last two words. The life you have now will not be the life you have tomorrow.

And fear possesses no special powers. It holds no crystal ball. It doesn’t try to predict the future, it simply projects the worst.

Now is not always. And now will always change.

9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

Fear Tells Us It’s Too Late

I was weeks shy of 32 when I was unceremoniously dumped via text message. And I thought it was too late for me to find love again. It was an absurd thought for me to have – my parents remarried after that age, I had plenty of friends who had found love well beyond their early 30s and I knew many people who were actively dating in my age range.

But none of that mattered.

Because here’s the thing with age –

The oldest you’ve ever been is the age you are at. this. moment.

You’ve experienced every age below you. And everything yet to come is merely a guess. And that fear of being alone loves to convince you that it’s all going downhill from here.

And so we remember love at our younger selves and we imagine being alone with our older self.

I have many love mentors in my life that I have looked to in times when I have been in need of hope. One couple, now happily married in their seventies, met in their sixties.

The truth is that the only time it’s too late is when you believe it’s too late.

And not a moment sooner.

My Husband Walked Into a Bar…And This is What I Learned

Fear Tells Us We’ve Lost the One

In the beginning, I wanted to date men like my former husband because all I could imagine loving was my former husband. If I couldn’t have the one, at least I could try to find a reasonable facsimile.

As you can imagine, that didn’t work out too well.

Much like the only ages we know are the ones we’ve lived, the only loves we know are the ones we’ve had.

So it’s easy to believe that the one slipped through the cracks beyond hope of retrieve.

I eventually realized that I didn’t want an ex-shaped new love. I had changed. I no longer wanted the same person. I opened up to the possibility of something new. Unknown.

Very few of us will move through our lives with only a single romantic love. Yet no matter how many we’ve experienced, it’s always difficult to imagine one more.

It reminds me of something I heard a pregnant friend say while rubbing her belly- “I just can’t imagine loving this one as much as I do the others.” Her three children played nearby. Even though she had felt and surpassed these doubts twice before, fear was still planting seeds in her mind. And no surprise, fear was wrong. She loved baby number four just as much as the others.

You may have lost one. You haven’t lost the only one.

How a Belief in a Soul Mate Is Holding You Back

Fear Tells Us We Are Doomed to Repeat the Past

Just as I was starting to get my dating sea legs under me, I was ghosted. Again. This time by a man that was speaking of a possible future and trying to convince me to stay in Atlanta instead of continuing with my planned escape out of the region.

Here’s how I saw it – Once was a fluke. Twice was a pattern.

I was doomed to be dumped.

As with many lies fear tells, this one has some basis in reality. If I continued to attach anxiously, I would cause the past to stutter and repeat.

But if I changed, the pattern would change as well.

We are not merely toy boats upon the stream, subject to the whims of the currents and the waves. Although we cannot control the stream, we can improve our vessel and learn how to better steer around obstacles.

It’s important to study the past. Not so that we know what to expect, but so that we can make better decisions going forward.

You’re only doomed to repeat the past if you’re stuck in the past.

11 Traps That Hold You Back After Divorce

Fear Tells Us It Is Reality

Fear is well-practiced at slipping on the disguises of concern and pragmatism, when really it is distracting us from rational thought. It pretends that it is telling us the harsh truths we need to hear to make us better while holding us back with ties of fiction. Fear pretends to whisper the future when it is actually keeping us prisoner of the past.

—–

Fear makes for a poor life coach.

Time to fire your fear of being alone.

Learn to embrace this pause. This moment between. This period when you’re unmoored and unattached.

And be open to tomorrow. Be open to possibilities. Be open to love.