Putting the Lessons Into Play

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My husband discussed some hard stuff with me the other day. I’m proud of him for his self-awareness and courage and I’m also proud of me. Because my response, both in moment and in the days after, truly reveals how much I’ve grown since my first marriage.

 

I didn’t overreact, so I could be a safe place for him.

In my first marriage, I would have overreacted to something similar. I would have instantly gone to defcon 1 with my fears leading the charge. And my reaction would have been the furthest thing from a safe space. In fact, it would have announced, “I can’t handle this, so you need to protect me from it.” Ugh.

A few years ago, my insides probably would have thrown a panic party while I worked to maintain a calm exterior. An improvement, for sure, but still not ideal.

But now? I not only responded in a calm manner. I felt calm. I didn’t try to catastrophize or worry about what could, maybe, possibly happen. I just listened. Instead of being in my own fear, I could be with him.

 

I feel more compassion instead of a need for perfection.

In my first marriage, I was afraid of any potential blemishes. They were threatening, something to be feared. And so I felt a sense of disgust at any sign of imperfection in myself and in my first husband. Of course, since neither one of us could uphold this charge, there was a constant low-lying tension between my expectations and reality.

It’s different now. Which is especially good since my now-husband and I have officially reached the age of mammograms and colonoscopies. It’s hard to maintain that veneer of perfection when a nurse half your age is squishing your boobs against a metal plate.

I have so much more tolerance – and compassion – for the struggles that we all have. I no longer see the struggle as a sign of weakness and I enthusiastically celebrate the courage and discipline evident in those that don’t shy away from their particular battles.

 

My boundaries are both more forgiving and more robust.

Before, I expected perfection but would put up with a lot as long as I didn’t have to look too closely.

Now, my boundaries are set further back. They allow for mistakes and the opportunity to  be human and messy. But at the same time, they are less tolerant of bullshit and will no longer be consoled with pleasing words that are spoken in place of action.

 

I have confirmation that I chose MUCH better this time around.

We are not defined by how we handle the easy times. Instead, character is truly revealed in how someone handles the hard stuff.

My first husband’s response to struggle was to hide, lie and act out of shame. After experiencing the brutal conclusion of that approach, I intentionally sought out someone with courage who’s default setting is in revealing rather than concealing.

 

Yet again, I’m filled with gratitude for what I endured ten years ago. It may have been a conflagration, but it was one that prepared me for the growth that needed to happen.

 

Progress and Room to Grow

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Because of the nature of my first marriage (conflict-less because of a deadly combination of his tendency to lie about everything and my inclination to avoid anything too anxiety-provoking) and the way that it ended (suddenly and without warning), I have struggled at times with my now-husband.

In the beginning, I alternated between being totally flooded and in a panic about being abandoned again at the slightest sense of conflict or withdrawal to an “I’m out of here” conclusion as my traumatized brain assumed the worst about a situation. Additionally, my f’ed up brain decided that if I wasn’t the “perfect wife,” I would again be dropped. Of course, that doesn’t lead to good things because I could never do enough to calm the anxiety and none of this was stuff my husband asked for (or expected) anyways. And then for the cherry on top, I had a hard time bringing up the difficult conversations, my years of avoiding anything anxiety-producing had trained me well.

It’s been years of work learning how to change these patterns. I can now initiate the difficult conversations and I’m more able to stay present during them instead of disappearing into an emotional whirlpool. I trust that my now-husband is in it for the long haul and that he is not a quitter or a coward. As I process a disagreement or issue, I’m finding less and less that it directly has more to do with my past than my present.

Which is good.

But of course, the past is still imprinted on my being. I still have a tendency to take everything too personally and respond at a level ten to something that should be counted on one hand’s worth of fingers. I get in my head too much, thinking when I should be being. And it’s a vicious cycle. Because when I get this way, I become more convinced that I’ll be left again. Which then leads me right back to where I started.

There’s obviously room to grow.

I think part of my recent anxiety is tied to my upcoming trip (I leave in the morning!!!). It’s been almost ten years to the day since I left to go visit my father in Seattle. On that trip, like with any trip, I expected to return to Atlanta and my life at its conclusion.

But that life disintegrated while I was gone.

I returned to an empty home. A missing husband. A depleted bank account. A gutted heart and a shredded soul.

There is nothing in my life now that suggests that scene will ever be repeated. But I think it’s there in my subconscious mind, softly whispering, “what if?” and making me more needy, more sensitive and yes, more anxious.

I’ve come a long way in the last ten years. But I still have a ways to go.

Four Types of Marital Abandonment You Need to Know About

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I filed for a “fault” divorce (which, in retrospect, was a mistake), one of the reasons cited was “marital abandonment.” It was a clear call – he walked out of the house and out of my life, leaving everything behind in order to start a new life in a new state. It’s the textbook form of abandonment we’re all familiar with, a sudden and complete severing of the marital ties.

But it’s not the only way that a spouse can desert their marriage. These other forms of abandonment may be more subtle, but their impact is no less excruciating.

It’s important for us to be aware of the ways that we may be rejecting our spouses and if we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to understand what is happening.

 

Physical Abandonment

Physical abandoment can occur even when the body remains in the shared home. It can take the form of reduced affection, touching less and less as the years progress. Sometimes it’s a literal turning away when one partner bids for attention, leaving the request for physical contact unfullfilled. Other times, physical abandonment occurs in a more subtle way, a slow decline over time.

This type of abandonment can also be sexual, where one parter desires sexual connection and the other continually rejects their advances. Even when this rejection originates from valid concerns (such as illness that makes sexual contact difficult or painful), the partner who desires the physical contact tends to feel abandoned.

For many of us, touch is an important part of feeling loved. Feeling desired. And so when that touch is removed from a relationship, we feel discarded and worthless.

 

Attentional Abandonment

We all want to be seen, especially by the person that we love. Attentional abandonment occurs when we feel invisible within our own home as our spouse’s focus is directed elsewhere for extended periods of time. This can often be seen after the birth of a child, when the infant becomes the sole focus and the spouse is moved to the periphery. It also happens when one – or both – partners are focused on work, ailing family members, other people or hobbies.

Every marriage goes through patches of attentional abandonment with outside responsibilities have to take priority for a time. The problem arises when it becomes habitual and energy is continually funneled outside the marriage.

Without attention, a marriage, like a lawn, will whither. Whatever you nurture, grows.

 

Emotional Abandonment

When one person shares their emotional state with the other, it is a time of vulnerability. And when the response is dismissive or lacking, it leaves the vulnerable person feeling stranded without support or validation. When this is a continual pattern, it often leads to withdrawal and a lack of trust.

A lack of emotional connection weakens a marriage and can lead to a situation here two people are living alongside each other instead of living with each other. Ideally, each person can feel like the other has their back – both physically AND emotionally.

 

Spiritual Abandonment

This type of desertion can be as clear as one partner renouncing the faith that was a cornerstone of the relationship from the beginning. But it can also be beneath the surface of the marriage. All relationships have certain key values and goals and that center – family, personal growth, financial success, etc. And when one person in the marriage no longer holds those same guiding values, it leaves the other feeling discarded.

Of course, each person has the right and the freedom to shift their values and driving principles over time. Regardless of how it is handled, one partner may feel abandoned by the other. However, when there is open communication, the feeling of personal rejection will be lessened.

No matter what the intentions of our partners, we all can feel rejected sometimes. But there are ways that we can limit this reaction. Overall, feelings of abandonment are increased when the changes are abrupt and there is no discussion of the situation. When we feel like we understand why the withdrawal is occurring, we are less likely to take it personally and less likely to view it as a desertion of the marriage.

The Problem With Dating While Lonely

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When it comes to marriage, the opposite of “right” isn’t “wrong.” It’s “happy.”

Because when we’re too focused on being right within a marriage, we’re losing focus on what’s really important:

– reaching shared goals, even when you differ on the choice of the path to get there

-managing overlapping lives

-and, perhaps most importantly, constantly learning from and encouraging each other.

 

 

You can be right or you can take this opportunity to learn about a different perspective.

I had to laugh when my friend’s husband complained to me that my friend doesn’t load the dishwasher the “right” way. “I didn’t realize there was a universally agreed upon correct method,” I joked.

And that’s true in many areas, not just dishwashers. There may be strategies that are more efficient. Or more effective. Or easier. Or more familiar. That doesn’t necessarily mean that one is more “right” than the others. They’re just different ways of looking at the same thing.

I love the famous parable about the elephant and the six blind men. Each one, feeling a different region of the animal, reaches a different conclusion. “It’s a snake!,” exclaims the man running his hands along the trunk. “No, it’s a rug!” insists the one running the hair on the tip of the tail through his hands.

One elephant. Six men. And six different – and equally valid – conclusions.

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So often the things we disagree about within a marriage fall into this category where there really is no right and wrong, simply different ways of looking at things. And so when we fixate on proving that our way is best, we pass by an opportunity to learn how to see something differently. And that something includes our spouse.

It’s strange how learning that our partner has a different view from us can be threatening. But it can. We all-too-easily begin to believe that they feel the same way about things as we do and it can be a little disorienting when we learn that they have a different perspective. And sometimes, a little shake-up is a good thing:)

 

You can be right or you can focus on solving the problem.

Most of the time, you and your spouse are on the same side. You both want a good environment to raise a happy and healthy family. You both want to make sure that you have financial stability and that you can purchase the things you need. You want time together and also time to maximize your own potential.

Yet when problems arise, it’s easy to take sides, you on one side of the ring and your spouse on the other. When your focus shifts to proving that you’re right (or proving that your partner is wrong), you forget about the expanse of the agreed-upon area between you, instead focusing only on the differences.

When you need to be right, the other person by default has to be wrong. There is a winner. And there is a loser. And perhaps the marriage is the biggest loser of all when you forget the magic that happens when you realize that you’re on the same side. Even when you disagree.

Put your energy on solving the problem. Not on disproving your partner.

 

You can be right or you can allow your spouse to prove your expectations wrong.

Have you ever had a full-on conversation with your spouse about something, only the entirety of the dialog took place within your head? *Sheepishly raises hand*

I know for me, when I finally do have that conversation for real, the actual words coming from my husband’s mouth are usually much more supportive than the imagined ones. Yet, and this has unfortunately happened, if I’ve already convinced myself that my conclusions are right, it’s hard for me to actually hear the words he’s saying.

It’s tricky with spouses. They have a track record. And so we think we know how they’re going to respond before we give them a chance to.

Sometimes, we neglect to have the hard conversations because we believe we already know the answers and so the exercise seems futile. Yet doesn’t it make more sense to ask your spouse the questions and give them enough respect to provide space for their answers.

You can be right or you can admit that sometimes you’re wrong.

It’s not easy to admit when we’re wrong. The ego sees this as a personal attack and any insecurities like to act like school-yard bullies (“You’re so stupid! You’re so stupid!). This is especially true when admitting the wrong threatens our view of ourselves (For example, as a math teacher, I would be more threatened by an error in my mathematical reasoning than I would be by my ignorance about the location of a particular country).

It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to change your stance on something as you have gained more wisdom and experience. When we admit we’re wrong, we’re making space to learn how to do better. How to be better. When we hold too tightly to the need to be right, we’re ultimately holding ourselves back from being the best we can be.

 

You can be right or you can be married.

This phrase is often used to imply that in order to remain married, you have to constantly bite your tongue. But that’s no recipe for a happy marriage. When you hold back on saying the important things, resentment and distance grows.

Instead, what we can take from the phrase is this – there are things that are more important to a marriage than being right.

It is more important to act as a team.

It is more important to listen teach other with an open mind.

It is more important to treat each other with respect, even when you disagree.

It is more important to focus on the shared goals than the details.

And if it’s important to you to stay married, sometimes you’re going to have to let go of being right.