8 Surefire Ways to Drive Yourself Crazy Trying to Get Someone to Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It seems so clear – if they would just change in that one small (or not-so-small) way, everything would be better. You’ve tried one tactic after another, convinced that the right strategy will be the key to unlocking their potential.

Yet each attempt falls flat.

We all do this to some extent, focusing on how somebody else could mold just a little better to our needs. And in the context of a relationship, it’s appropriate to communicate your needs and to ask your partner to try to meet them. Yet, we don’t always go about this in the most productive way.

The following are common strategies that we use to try to change others that often backfire:

1 – Wanting Them to Change

It’s amazing how easy it is to tell ourselves stories about other people’s desires and motivations. We can so easily confuse our desire for them to change with an interest in their part on engaging in transformation.

 

2 – Loving Them Harder

This is one you see so often with addicts as their loved ones try to give them everything in an attempt to out-love their compulsions. Yet even though love provides the security to anchor oneself in order to grow, love on its own does not create growth.

 

3 – Making Yourself Smaller

When the other person’s personality is strong or they have a tendency to respond in anger, it can be tempting to shrink in order to avoid prompting outrage. Yet no matter how carefully you tiptoe on those eggshells, you cannot prevent their reactions.

 

4 – Begging

Maybe they didn’t hear you the first time (or ten times). Or perhaps, they didn’t understand that this is important. What feels like reminding on your side can easily feel like nagging on theirs. And nobody responds well to that.

 

5 – Giving an Ultimatum

There’s an important distinction to be made here between ultimatums and boundaries. An ultimatum says, “If you don’t do x, I will do y.” An ultimatum is a threat to the other person.

In contrast, a boundary says, “x is important to me. Do you think you can help make that happen?” And then if the boundary is crossed, “x is important to me. I need to do y to protect that.” A boundary is keeping a promise to yourself.

 

6 – Comparing Them to Others

Comparison rarely inspires growth. Instead, it breeds insecurity and contempt. In order to change, a person needs to first feel accepted and safe. Comparison is the enemy of that.

 

7 – Shaming Them

Shame often has the opposite effect of what is intended. The teenager who is shamed by her parents for her excess weight sneaks extra snacks at school with an, “I’ll show them” attitude. Shame leads to the digging in of heels and secrecy, neither of which are good for any relationship.

 

8 – Tell Them They’re Wrong

Their view or approach is different than yours. That doesn’t automatically mean that it is wrong. An overly dismissive approach leads to a situation with a “winner” and a “loser.” Change happens when it’s approached as a problem for both to solve.

Wondering if They’ll Cheat? Look For This…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had the honor of joining Helen Tower last week on her podcast, Sail Infidelity. A listener, an unfaithful spouse, sent in the question, “How can I get my wife to move on from my infidelity?” My first thought was,

“I wonder if he’s asking because he hates seeing his wife suffer and wants her to feel better or if he’s uncomfortable with her strong emotional response and he wants to alleviate his discomfort.”

Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger or disappointment. None of us like to examine our own fears and regrets too closely. We all can use avoidance tactics to put off difficult conversations or decisions or find an illusion of security in denial.

Those who choose to cheat cannot handle emotional discomfort.

Yet for most of us, difficult doesn’t mean we don’t do it. We accept that the emotions – either our own or those of another – are uncomfortable and yet we do not turn away. But the cheater? They run. Or shut down. Or turn it back towards you.

Those who choose to cheat seek to outsource their emotional regulation.

When they are feeling insecure, they look for others to alleviate that feeling through attention and accolades. If they’re anxious, they use sex like a drug to feel better in the moment. Instead of learning to self-soothe, they expect those around them to make them feel better.

Those who choose to cheat struggle to stay present with difficult emotions.

When faced with intense emotion, those who cheat are more likely to flood or flee. They have not learned to name and accept myriad emotional responses as a natural side-effect of being human. Instead, they become fearful when emotions run high. But of course, they can’t accept that fear either. So they dismiss it all entirely or stuff it into their shame sack where they can pretend it doesn’t exist.

Those who choose to cheat fail to recognize the impact of their own traumas.

For so many of us, we continue to play out our childhood traumas in our adult relationships. With awareness, this can become an opportunity for growth and healing. Yet those who have a propensity for infidelity often remain unaware of the impact their own past has on them. Instead, they act out their pain in unhealthy, immature and selfish ways.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

People can grow. People can change. If the unfaithful spouse is willing and able to give space for your emotional reaction without seeking to control it or stifle it, that’s a sign that they’re learning. Furthermore, look for evidence that they are becoming more comfortable sitting with – and taking responsibility for – their own emotions. And finally, if they’re trying to make amends, pay attention to whose pain they are trying to alleviate – yours or their own.

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
get ex back

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

When we lose someone important in our lives, it’s common to miss them and to wish they were still in our lives. If we ended it, we may wonder if we made a mistake. If they made the decision to leave, we want to know how to get our ex back.

Every situation is different; I cannot provide you with one-size-fits all directions that will bring your ex back. What I can do is give you a series of questions for you to ask yourself. Not all will apply to you, but the ones that do can help provide clarity and direction.

Are you in contact with your ex?

This is the starting point. Is there an open line of communication between you? Have they reached out to you or responded when you contact them? When you do have contact, what is the nature of it – bittersweet, angry, sexual, longing? In order to try to win them back, you have to first be able to have a calm conversation.

If you don’t have contact, why is that? Did they ask for space? Are they refusing to respond? It’s important to remember that a relationship takes two and that you cannot force them to engage if they do not want to.

Who ended things?

If you ended the relationship, you may have a better chance of rekindling it, especially if they did not agree with the breakup. Whereas, if they left, they left for a reason. Even if it’s one that you you don’t understand or agree with. It still may be possible that they are open to the idea of starting again with you, but they will likely be wary. If you have a chance, you must be willing to listen to them without becoming defensive. You have your version of the end; it’s time to listen to theirs.

Do they know you’re interested in working on the relationship?

They cannot read your mind. They don’t know you’re up every night pining after them and regretting what happened unless you tell them. I know that this can be a scary admission; you’re risking a second rejection. A rejection, that if it comes, you have to accept. If you have a chance at getting your ex back, it begins with you stating that you want them back and why you want them back.

What were the circumstances surrounding the breakup?

In the best situation, there were outside circumstances that contributed to the end of the relationship. Circumstances, that once removed or dealt with, are no longer a threat. Yet that’s rarely the case.

Every relationship has its challenges – what were yours? Were they always there, or did they suddenly appear? Be careful here. It’s easy to fall into the magical thinking trap. Much like we always believe our future selves will be motivated to stay on that diet or stay away from our phones, we can paint our future relationship with that same rose-color. If you want this to work, you have to be willing to explore what made it fall apart in the first place.

Have you had a history of on-again, off-again with them?

Why is this time different? What is driving you two apart and what is pulling you back together?

Do their words indicate they are interested in a relationship with you?

Because you want them back, it’s easy to interpret anything they say as interest. Are there words clearly expressing that they not only miss you, but that they want to try to work it out?

Do their actions match their words?

Words are easy and often offered without much thought. Actions, less so. Are they saying what you want to hear while acting in opposition?

Are you healthier apart than together?

This is a hard one. Sometimes love isn’t enough. We can adore people that bring out the worst in us or pair up with those that allow us to reenact the traumas from our childhoods.

It may be the case that you two are better off apart. And when that happens, the most loving thing you can do is let them go.

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Are you feeling lonely?

If you’re lonely, it’s natural to want your ex back. After all, right now you feel that gaping hole where they once were and so you want to fit them back in place to relieve that ache. But loneliness isn’t a solid foundation to build a relationship upon. Loneliness encourages you to need a partner, yet strong relationships can only happen when you WANT a partner.

Before you try to get your ex back, it’s important to fill your life up again. Spend time with your friends, throw yourself into a hobby, strive to meet some goal or finish line. Work on making yourself complete and whole first. Only then are you ready to try to bring them back.

Are you just wanting the pain to end?

The end of a relationship hurts. You’re grieving so much as you adjust to life without them. We don’t like pain and much like we pop an Advil to relieve a headache, we reach for the fastest way to alleviate our emotional pain too.

Be honest with yourself – are you reaching for them simply so that you don’t have to feel this pain? Is that fair to them? Is it good for you?

What do you miss more – them or the idea of them?

I know you miss them. But do you miss who they actually are, flaws and all. Or, do you miss who you’ve made them to be in your mind? Sometimes, we get so caught up in someone’s potential that we neglect to realize that we’re not seeing them at all.

Have you both had space to figure out your feelings?

The emotions that surround the end of a relationship are messy. It takes time and space to begin to unravel those. If you’ve been in consistent contact with your ex since the breakup, neither or you have had the opportunity to fully dig into your own feelings.

Take some time without contact to muddy the emotional waters. Talk to a therapist. Write in a journal. Have long conversations with yourself as you go on extended walks. You owe it to both of you to start from a full understanding of what you want and need.

What change(s) have both parties made since the breakup?

Have you made some legitimate and lasting changes since the end of the relationship? Have they? Again, this is about actions, not words.

If you have made changes, did you do them only in the hopes of getting your ex back? Or, were these changes that you wanted to make for you, to make you better? The latter is more authentic, meaningful and lasting.

How do you want your relationship to look differently this time?

Sometimes, we think we want to go back to the way it was. But the way it was didn’t work. So something needs to be different. Relationships can become like a well-traversed dirt road with ruts that we easily fall into. What will you do to avoid that?

What have you done towards this goal?

Again, wishes and words won’t get you anywhere. What actions have you taken?

Are they feeling lonely or insecure?

Tread lightly. Just as I cautioned you about wanting your ex back when you’re feeling lonely, it’s not a good idea to start back up again if they’re coming from that place. You want them to WANT to be with you, not for them to use you to make them feel okay with themselves.

Are they looking for something in their contact with you?

Sometimes people will reach out to an ex to gain a confidence boost (this is often the case if the contact is sexual in nature). Other times, they are looking for a quick connection because they’re feeling isolated. And sometimes, they just want to see that you’re hurting too.

When you want your ex back, it’s easy to read too much into their communication. Pay attention to patterns and trends. If they only reach out when they have something to gain, they’re using you, not sad about losing you.

Have they told you that they are not interested in a relationship?

If they have stated this, believe them. It’s not your place to question their decision. You don’t have to understand it and you don’t have to agree with it, but you do have to accept it.

Are they in a new relationship?

It’s common for us to want what we can’t have. Sometimes, we only desire to get an ex back when we see them with somebody new. Yet, that’s not a reason to try to win them back. Just like you expected others to respect your relationship with them, respect the new relationship they have, even if it’s one you don’t approve of. It’s not your place to monitor, judge or try to undermine the new partner of your ex.

Have they moved on?

This is independent of their current relationship status. If they have rebuilt their life and not made a space for you in it, it’s time for you to move on as well. And that starts with learning how to fall out of love.

Are you motivated to get your ex back because you feel like you’re quitting, failing or losing?

We call them “failed” relationships. We talk about people “giving up” on their partners. It’s easy to equate a relationship ending with failure. Yet, that’s not actually the case.

There is a different between quitting and letting go. The first is born from fear or frustration. The latter comes from acceptance that something has reached an end. Letting go is a gift, a way of releasing the hold on the past to allow the space for something new to move it.

What would happen if they agree to get back together for your sake, but it’s not what they really want?

Do you want them to be with you out of a sense of guilt or obligation? Are they trying to make you feel better to alleviate their own discomfort? Much like the father in Pet Sematary, we can go to great lengths to try to get our ex’s back, only to discover that they aren’t really there at all.

Refrain from begging or pleading. Don’t work to create an argument on why they should come back. If they want to be with you, they will be. If they don’t, you don’t have anything to gain by trying to convince them otherwise.

Are you feeling overwhelmed at the thought of starting over?

Starting over is hard. Sometimes, we are drawn to our ex’s because it’s a shortcut. You don’t have to do all of the work that happens as a relationship transitions from something casual to more serious. Yet sometimes a blank slate is exactly what we need.

Are you afraid that you won’t find love again?

You have lost one. But you haven’t lost the only one. Yet, as long as you’re holding onto your ex, you are not allowing the space for new love to find you.

The Nature of Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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“Why can’t you fly?” the caterpillar’s partner screams at them. The caterpillar is confused. After all, their partner knew they couldn’t fly from the very beginning of the relationship.

“Did you see Kelly’s wings? They’re so strong and beautiful. I wish you had wings like that,” the partner mentions to the caterpillar. The caterpillar curls into itself, feeling ashamed for what it lacks.

“I bought this for you,” the caterpillar’s partner says in a hopeful voice, presenting a self-help book on metamorphosis. “I’ll be sure to read this,” the caterpillar responds, while inwardly grumbling that they have no interest or need in the book.

“I just don’t get it,” the caterpillar’s partner whines to the couple’s therapist. “Everything would be fine with us if they would just get wings.” The caterpillar begins to grow resentful and feel unappreciated.

“I know you want me to fly,” the caterpillar says softly to their partner. “I’m trying. I really am.” The partner responds, “If you loved me, you would fly.” The caterpillar begins to wonder if they do love their partner. Maybe that’s the problem.

In the dark hours of the night, the caterpillar is thinking, “I’m not good enough for them; they don’t love me as I am.” Down the hall, the partner writes in their journal, “I’m not good enough; they won’t change for me.”

One day, the caterpillar makes a difficult decision. “I’m leaving,” they tell their partner. “I’m not what you want me to be and I believe you’ll be happier without me.”

At some point later, the partner comes across a picture of their ex. “Why couldn’t they change for me,” they lament. “I must not be lovable.” All because the caterpillar wasn’t able to change until they were ready.

 

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Why We Feel the Need to Fix Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I am so frustrated at work right now,” a woman vents to her husband. “My team just doesn’t pay attention to deadlines and it keeps impacting my work.”

“Why don’t you set up a shared calendar with your team to coordinate deadlines?” the husband suggests, as it seems like an easy and obvious fix to him. To his surprise, instead of his wife embracing the idea, she gets frustrated with his response.

 

I bet this dynamic is familiar to all of us. We’ve all been on the side of wanting to share, looking for someone else to be with us in our emotional state only to feel frustrated when we don’t receive the response we desire. And we’ve all been on the receiving end, listening to someone share their emotional state and wanting to volunteer a way to fix their distress.

Since we’re all familiar with both sides of this exchange, why does it so often go so poorly, leaving both parties feeling unheard and misunderstood?

 

From the Perspective of the Listener

 

Why We Try to Fix Things

 

We Are Uncomfortable With Discomfort

This is a core reason behind this drive – we don’t like to see people suffer. And so when we witness somebody’s distress, we want to alleviate it. Both for their sake, and for ours.

We Want to Help

Most people want to be helpful. This current pandemic with its “stay at home” mandate makes this clear. We don’t want to sit idle, we want to be able to DO something.

We Want to Be Needed

Many of us have a need to be needed and a fear of abandonment if we are needed. And one of the ways that this can manifest is by being the “fixer” for others.

 

 

The Problem With Trying to Fix Things

 

Not Everything Can Be Easily Fixed

Oftentimes, there isn’t a fix for what is causing distress. Or, at least not a feasible one or one that it is our control. In these cases, an attempt to fix becomes an endless source of frustration.

The Outside Perspective is Limited

Whenever advice comes from an outside source, it is operating from limited data and perspective. In the opening example, the husband may not know that a shared calendar already exists and that the coworkers never open the file. It’s easy for the fixer to offer up a solution to the wrong problem.

Sends the Message That the Person Isn’t Capable

One of the reason that I like the coaching process is that it operates from the belief that we know what we need to do, we sometimes need help uncovering and implementing that knowledge. When we try to fix other’s problems, we can be implying that they are not capable of solving them on their own.

 

 

What to Do Instead

 

Listen

Just be there. Acknowledge what they say and how they are feeling.

Ask if They Want Input

Before you offer up a solution, ask if they want input. If they don’t, bite your tongue, at least for now. When emotions are high, people are not in a space where they can hear and process ideas.

Separate Your Emotional Response From Theirs

Sometimes when we hear about somebody else’s situation, it brings up an emotional response of our own. This may be stronger or even in opposition to theirs. It’s important not to try to fix their situation from your impacted state.

 

How to Share For a Better Outcome

 

1 – Choose who you share with intentionally.

If I need to vent about the demands of teaching, I am going to find a more understanding ear in my mom, who was a teacher, than my husband, who hasn’t been in a classroom since he graduated. Be smart about who you choose to go to with certain things. Also, be mindful about what else they’re dealing with and your timing of unloading on them.

2 – Clarify what you’re looking for.

Do you want advice or do you just want to vent? You’re more likely to get out of it what you want if you begin by stating what you’re looking for.

3 – Be aware if you’re complaining endlessly about the same things.

Empathy has its limits. If you’re always discussing the same unchangeable situation or refusing to take reasonable action, people will tire of hearing your story.

4 – Be mindful of what emotions this may trigger in the other person.

Try not to take their response personally; they may be responding from their past.

5 – Try to be patient with the drive to fix.

Even though is can feel dismissive and like they’re not really listening to you, remember that they want to make things better for you because they care about you.

6 – Respond to suggestions with grace and boundaries.

“Thank you for your suggestion” and “That’s not going to work for me.” Repeat as needed.