Ten Empowering Thoughts to Hold Onto When It’s All Falling Apart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1 – You only know what you have experienced. So when today is worse than yesterday, that’s what you see. But today is not prophetic about tomorrow. Replace, “Life sucks,” with “Life sucks right now.” Maybe the best is yet to come.

2 – Losing everything is excruciating. And it’s also freeing. It’s a special place where you have nothing left to lose, nothing more to fear. The worst has happened and you’re still breathing. That’s pretty awesome, isn’t it?

3 – You’re wiser now. More attuned to others and more in tune with yourself. That’s a gift to be grateful for.

4 – Every change is challenging at first. You’re learning. Adapting. Growing stronger. You won’t be the same person you were before. You’ll be better.

5 – A book without plot twists becomes quite boring and predictable. The same can be said for life. Think of the stories you can now tell!

6 – Difficult times act as a sieve for friendships. You now know who really has your back. Pay more attention to the ones who stepped up than the ones who stepped out – they’re the ones who deserve your attention.

7 – Pay attention to those moments when you feel alive and whole. The sunshine on your face, the smiling eyes of a child, the overwhelming beauty of the moon reflected in the water. Invite them in. Sit with them. Celebrate them. They’re often more plentiful than we realize.

8 – Letting go is scary. We feel like we need to grasp onto what we know. But some of the best places can only be reached by taking a leap of faith.

9 – Other people’s actions say more about them than about you. Don’t get those two things confused.

10 – When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift. See the good around you, even if you have to squint;)

 

 

 

6 Encouraging Ways to Take Back Your Power After an Unwanted Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never felt so powerless.

I had no money because he had taken it all.

I had no voice because he left with a text and refused any contact.

I had no information because he had taken important files and changed account passwords.

I felt like he called all the shots and I was left with nothing but shrapnel through my heart.

At first, I felt helpless. A victim of his choices and his actions. Wounded and weak.

And then I got angry. Furious that he would and could make decisions without me that had such a devastating impact on my life. Fuming and ruminating.

And finally, I got busy. Learning and working to move beyond his behaviors. Motivated and determined.

It’s not easy to regain a sense of power and control over your own life when you have been the recipient of an unwanted (and perhaps tsunami) divorce.

Here are six encouraging ways that you can take back your life:

Gather Information

Part of what makes an unwanted divorce so scary and leads to a sense of helplessness is a lack of knowledge. When my ex left, I had no information about divorce laws in my state. I didn’t know anything about the legalities of debt and home ownership. I was ignorant about the resources available from the IRS for innocent spouses.

I knew nothing. And, as a result, I feared everything, often catastrophizing every situation.

So I read. I listened. I studied. And I learned.

And with each piece of knowledge, even those that were contrary to my desired answers, I felt just a little bit calmer. A little bit more in control.

Start researching. Learn everything you can. Let knowledge be your shield, your sword and your security blanket. We often avoid what we’re afraid of. But that only makes it worse. Face it and learn about it. Knowledge makes every obstacle a little less daunting.

With an unwanted divorce, you feel as though you’ve been kept in the dark. Which makes accumulating information a great source of power. The more you know, the more options you have.

Brainstorm Options

It’s hard to let go of the life you thought you had. We all get stuck in a track of expectations. When my ex left, I was left stuttering over my future. I kept trying to see how things were going to work out and I kept hitting walls.

Until I realized that I needed to tear down those mental walls that were keeping me enclosed in the remains of the life I had. Instead of trying to stay within the constraints of my former life, I allowed myself to mentally fly beyond.

And I dreamed big. And wide. Some of those options were pretty inconceivable, but I didn’t censor them. I simply explored them in my mind and in my journal.

I composed if…thens… that addressed every possible move I could envision him making. Some were overzealous. Some were absurd. Some were even illegal.

But they all made me feel better.

You cannot control what happens to you, but you can always chose how to respond.

Explore your options. Don’t worry if they seem impossible. Right now, it’s only a mental exercise. Let your imagination carry yourself far beyond your walls.

When divorce happens to you, it’s easy to feel as though a huge roadblock has been plunked down in your life. Which means exploring side paths is a tremendous source of power. The more options you have, the more you can influence.

Create a List

It is easy to focus on the things you cannot control. I remember wishing that I could make him talk to me. Make him accept the help he so obviously needed. Make him admit responsibility and express remorse.

Of course, I could do none of those things.

But that didn’t mean that I was entirely helpless.

I could reach out to friends and family for help. I could find meaning and purpose through those relationships and others. I could start to date again and learn to trust again. I could reevaluate my priorities and restructure my life to fit my goals. I could find a way to transform the pain into a positive movement that could bring comfort to others.

Create a two-sided list. On one side, list all of the things you cannot control. Those are the things to work towards letting go. On the other side, list all of the things within your sphere of influence. No matter how small. Those are the things to focus on cultivating and nurturing.

With unwelcome divorce comes an overabundance of things you cannot control. Which means that enumerating that which you can influence is a great source of power. The more influence you have, the more freedom you gain.

Accumulate Funds

An empty bank account is a great source of vulnerability and impotence. I’ve never felt so small as when I couldn’t even pay for lunch. Although I was fortunate enough to have my own source of income, it was greatly outweighed by the debts he saddled me with.

And that lack of financial freedom and flexibility was a huge source of fear and helplessness.

I vowed to take control of my own finances. Here are the steps I took. And with every dollar of debt paid down or with every penny put into savings, I gained just a little more control over my future.

An uninvited divorce often brings with it a financial crisis. Which means that every step you take towards financial independence brings with it a sense of power. The more freedom you gain, the less dependence you have.

Compose a Letter

The unfairness of it overwhelmed me. I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea that he could cause so much harm and then slip out through the back door like a thief in the night. I had so much to say (okay, scream) to him and I had so much that I thought I needed to hear from him.

I thought my voice was stolen.

And although I couldn’t force him to listen or require him to speak the words I wanted, I could compose them myself. I know it seems a bit silly that writing unseen words can release some of the pain. But it can. I know it seems strange that writing the words that you want to hear can help you soften. But it can. Here are 6 letters to write after divorce. 

It’s an empowering feeling not only taking back your voice, but using it to make yourself better. Don’t wait for somebody else to listen or to speak. You have the words you need to hear and you can express what you need to say.

The words you say to others have influence. The words you say to yourself have power.

With unwanted divorce, the discussion is often left unfinished. Which means that each word you express and release brings with it a sense of power. The less dependence you have, the more space you’ll find.

Practice Mindfulness

In the beginning, I embodied the pain. I couldn’t tell where the agony ended and where I began. I felt like I was at the mercy of my thoughts, triggers unmercifully bringing images and emotions that overwhelmed me on a daily basis.

I tried blocking them out, refusing them entrance. They laughed at my feeble mental barricades. I tried ignoring them, distracting myself through work and dating. They snuck in around the edges, overtaking me like a leak in a canoe.

And finally, I just noticed them. Accepted them. But refused to entertain them. A new meditation practice allowed me to find space between my pain and me. In time, the thoughts grew weaker and I grew stronger.

Find your own form of mediation, of mindfulness. Learn to be in the moment. To be free of judgement. To be aware of your emotions without the need to chase them down.

With divorce, the pain is often pervasive and overwhelming. Which means that as you learn to create space between you and your pain, you find a sense of mastery of your emotions. The more space you find, the more powerful you will be in your own life.

 

Homeless In Life: Overcoming Emotional Isolation After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
isolation

I had two conversations recently with two different people about the isolation and sense of desolation after divorce. About waking up every day already exhausted at the effort. About filling the time with activities and get-togethers, but never really feeling connected.

It’s a sense of being homeless in life. With the worst homesickness imaginable for the life you lost.

But just like a night spent on the street doesn’t mean a person will never have a bed again, time spent homeless in life doesn’t predict your future.

So how do you find and create your home again?

It starts with sleep.

If you’re not rested, everything becomes an insurmountable obstacle. Your mood will be even further depressed, your thinking will slow and your emotions will be amplified.

If sleep is difficult to come by, get help. I needed medication to sleep and eat those first few months. And that’s okay.

Be aware if you’re sleeping too much, as it may be a sign of avoidance or, more seriously, depression. Again, there is no shame in asking for help. It’s there for a reason.

This is intensive work. Push when you need to and don’t forget to rest when you can.

Shift your focus away from your ex.

If you’re thinking more about your ex than you are about you, you’re looking the wrong way. Start by clearing away physical reminders, including those lurking on your technology.

Then, start to do the same with your thoughts. Begin with the intention that you want to release the hold these thoughts have on you and the belief that letting go, although it seems frighting, is the way to freedom.

There are many tools that can be effective here. Journaling is one of my favorites. But use what works for you. Be prepared to some trial and error. After all, none of had “Personalized Divorce Recovery 101” in school:)

Thoughts about your ex will surface. And that’s okay. Think of them like a bird landing on your deck. You notice it, but you don’t have to chase it. Attend to your negative thoughts the same way. Acknowledge that they are there. And then let them fly away on their own time. Here’s yet another way to think about it.

If you do better with boundaries and structure, create your own ritual to interrupt those thoughts. Yes, the rubber band on the wrist trick really can work!

Pay attention to when you feel the most you.

When are you out of your head and in a flow? If you haven’t achieved that recently, think back. What activities, people or locations are correlated with this feeling? What key elements need to be present or must be absent for you to be fully in the moment.

Then invite those moments into your life as much as possible. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preserving. And you are worth it!

Beware of busyness for the sake of busyness.

When we’re lonely and feeling isolated, we often try to fill every little nook and cranny of our lives with something to do. And much of that is positive – It keeps you active, allows you to try new things and meet new people and it leaves less time for rumination.

But taken too far, and this strategy backfires. Not only can it become a way to avoid doing the processing you need to do, it also feels inauthentic.

And the whole goal is to get you back to your authentic self, not a facsimile of you just going through the motions.

Be ready to say “no” to people who think they know what’s best for you. Set boundaries with those that intrude too far and ask too much. This isn’t about trying to make other people feel good. It’s about you cultivating the good in you.

 

Attend to the physical.

I don’t know about you, but my brain is a slow learner.

So I trick it:)

If I’m anxious, I go for a long run which forces me to breathe deeply and slowly, thus telling my brain that everything is okay. If sadness is my emotion de jour, I play with Tiger and enjoy the oxytocin boost. When I’m feeling unsettled, I pile a heavy comforter over top of my prone body, the weight helping to anchor my unmoored mind.

This is another area where you’ll have to engage in some trial and error. Identify the thoughts and emotions you want to dampen and strive to find physical ways to trick them into submission. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Give yourself a goal.

Humans need purpose. And after divorce, it’s easy to feel as though you have no purpose. So create one. Make it moderately big. Something that will take some time to achieve, but with an end that is in sight. Make in tangible and measurable. Write it down. Decide how you will be accountable. And then start taking those baby steps to your goal.

Here’s one suggestion. But again, find what works for you.

Take time to be with you.

I remember post-divorce feeling like I had just suffered some horrific injury and I was afraid to look too closely to survey the damage. Because I’m a goober, I actually scheduled a day to just be with my thoughts a few months after he left. I dreaded that day.

But the day itself?

Empowering.

Because once you know what you’re dealing with, you can begin to act upon it.

So much of that isolation you feel isn’t because you’re apart from your former spouse. It’s because you’ve tried to distance yourself from your own pain. It’s time to meet back up with yourself again.

Because once you do that, you’re home.

Divorcing Without Kids Has Its Own Set of Struggles

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You know what kind of divorce is the hardest?

Whatever kind you have to go through.

Because it’s hard on everybody no matter the circumstances.

And my circumstances – child free by choice – left me grateful throughout my own divorce that I didn’t have to help little ones navigate a family transition. That certainly made it easier. But still by no means easy.

There is so much written, and with very good reason, about the difficulties and particulars of divorcing with kids.

But nothing at all (from what I’ve encountered) about those marriages that end without kids. And they have their own unique struggles.

 

“Just be glad you didn’t have kids,” was the frequent response I received to the news of my divorce.

And I was glad. I didn’t have to face telling children about the upsetting and significant changes to their lives. I never had to navigate the uncertain waters of establishing a co-parenting relationship or deal with the negotiations over child support. And I didn’t have to watch my hypothetical children suffer, something I can’t even imagine.

I have the utmost respect for those who manage divorce with dignity and courage for their children. For those that set aside the animosity for the ex and focus instead on being the best for the children. For those that bravely tackle unbelievably high obstacles so that their children can thrive. That’s a hard divorce.

And so is divorce without kids. These are the particular struggles that those without children face:

Your Pain is Downplayed

Even though I agreed with those that commented about my not having children, I still felt in the moment like it was dismissive of my pain. The lack of children makes divorce easier. Not easy. Because of the complications and additional stressors that children bring to divorce, those without kids often feel unwelcome in support groups and unable to share their pain without a fear of it being shrugged off.

Your Motivation Isn’t Ready-Made

When you have children, being a parent is often a central purpose of your life and their well-being is a significant motivator after divorce to get your life together. When you’re married and child free, you identify primarily as a husband or wife. And then that’s wiped out with a signature on a page. It can be a struggle for many without children to find their purpose and their motivation after a divorce.

It Can Be Isolating

Whenever I visit my neighborhood pool, I’m reminded how much children bring their parents together with other parents. Most of the adults all know each other through swim team, shared classes and play dates. After a certain age, the child free aren’t included in many of these recurring social situations. And when divorce happens, this isolation can be extreme, especially when the split extends into the couple’s friend group.

Loss of Family Memories

When my parents divorced, my mother and I worked to both retain family memories and to cultivate new ones. When I lost my husband, I lost sixteen years of memories that only he and I shared. And there was no one else to create them with. Children provide sort of a continuation of the marriage. Without children, it can sometimes feel as though there is no proof that the relationship ever occurred.

Fear of Time Running Out

Some people are child free at the time of the divorce because they decided not to have children. And others found that their marriage ended before the desired children were born. For those men and women, a childless divorce is especially painful because it brings with it the fear that time will run out for them to create the family they want.

Even with its particular struggles, divorcing without children gives you a unique freedom rarely found in adulthood. You can relocate. Reinvent. Go on dates every night. Fall in love with somebody else and maybe even somebody else’s children. Or stay single forever and commit your life to some other cause. You have no limits. No restrictions.

Acknowledge your struggles while at the same time expressing gratitude that they were your struggles alone and that no children were harmed in the making of this divorce.

 

On the Importance of Being There

Posted on by stilllearning2b

If I was a giraffe, I’d be dead.

I guess it’s a good thing I’m not a giraffe.

I actually used to be scared of the protracted-neck beasts.

All because of my 8th grade gifted social studies teacher.

I was confident walking into his class that first day. I was a good student and social studies had always been pretty straight forward. I lost that confidence within the first few minutes when he explained to us that his goal was to teach us that we weren’t as smart as we thought we were.

He was tough. He was sarcastic. And sometimes he was cruel (I’m not sure the devil’s horns and tail on test days were really necessary). But he reached his goal and as a result, all of learned the value of struggle.

With some scars to show for it.

For me, one of those scars was a particular aversion towards giraffes because of this teacher’s strange resemblance with his orange – hued frizzy hair that had a tendency to approximate small horns and a long, lanky build.

And then I learned about some of the strange traits giraffes possess. Specifically the importance of a series of super-strong valves in the their neck in order to prevent a fatal stroke when they lean down to grab a drink of water from the large volume of blood found in their necks. I mean that is some crazy weird evolution going on there.

And if I was a giraffe, I’d be dead. Because the valves in legs are anything-but-strong. And over the last two days, I’ve had the offending vessels in my thighs lasered into oblivion.

The doctor (and I) insisted that I would be fine driving myself home after the procedures.

My husband insisted that he meet me for the appointments and drive me home because, “You’re my wife, I have to be there for you.”

As though it’s a given that a husband will always be there for his wife.

Being there when your spouse needs you is so important. And being there when your presence isn’t absolutely required but appreciated may even be more important.

While needles and lasers were being fed through my legs, all I could think about was how grateful I was that my husband took a break from his schedule to be there for me. And that I live in a time where medical technology can hopefully help me.

And that I wasn’t born a giraffe:)

Here’s to being there, learning through struggle and discarding irrational fears!