Been Cheated On? 8 Infuriating Excuses You Can Expect to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You discovered that your partner cheated.

Whether they decided to come clean or were caught in the act, there are certain excuses that cheaters tend to utter. These overarching phrases have a tendency to try to pass off blame and in doing so raise the ire of the betrayed spouse. Here’s what you’re likely to hear and the important truths that may be hiding behind the words.

“It was an accident.”

This excuse is especially infuriating because it implies that you’re a fool at the same time it completely brushes off any responsibility of the cheating parties. It also confuses intent with action. Even if the decision was not carefully premeditated, there were still plenty of opportunities to make a better choice before the clothes came off.

What it may mean… “I never thought I would cheat. I don’t see myself as a cheater. In some ways, that made me more vulnerable to the bad decision because I didn’t think that it could happen to me.”

“But I still love you.”

Sometimes this is uttered in an attempt to retain a hold on the marriage, either exclusively or in addition to the affair partner. Other times, it’s delivered as part of a “smoothing over” campaign, trying to limit the fallout from the affair. Sometimes the cheater honestly seems to believe that love fixes all. Including betrayal.

What it may mean… “I do love you. But I’m realizing that love is a lot harder than I expected. I’m afraid of losing you and I’m also afraid of being honest with you (or myself). But more than anything, I’m afraid of being alone.”

“What did you expect? After all, you…”

This excuse places the blame for the affair solely on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. They may be painted as controlling, out of shape or overly focused on the kids or work. This is a devious excuse because there is often an element of truth in their chosen words. However, marital problems warrant a conversation, not an affair.

What it may mean… “I’ve never learned to accept responsibility. From my grades in school to my behavior in relationships, I always pass things off as somebody else’s fault. I don’t know how to admit to messing up.”

“You should have known it was going on.”

Again, the blame is shifted to the partner, only this time because of their trusting nature. Cheaters have a way of thinking that everybody behaves like them. Therefore, it’s your fault that you weren’t suspicious enough. Of course, this excuse conveniently ignores the fact that it’s too late by the time there is something to discover.

What it may mean… “Part of me wanted to get caught. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing, but I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

This is a strange one to hear. On the one hand, it can be comforting to learn that (supposedly) there was no meaningful connection with the affair partner, that it was a meaningless fling. On the other hand, it’s hard to swallow that trust was destroyed for something that lacked significance.

What it may mean… “I don’t want to hurt or anger you any more than I already have. I’m not sure what it all means yet. I’m confused about how I feel.”

“If you were more open-minded…”

Cheaters have a propensity towards selfishness, putting their desires above the wants and needs of others. This excuse is an after-the-fact rewriting of the marital vows that again shifts the culpability to the betrayed partner.

What it may mean… “I’m not sure if traditional monogamy works for me. I’m interested in exploring other options but I’m not yet comfortable or brave enough to have that conversation.”

“I needed to feel appreciated/desired/understood.”

This is one of those excuses that is worth listening to in order to extract the truth within. Not feeling appreciated and desired is a common reason for an affair, the new attention filling the experienced void. Of course, this deficit is only compounded with an affair. A conversation is a much better place to start.

What it may mean… “I’m hurting. I don’t feel like I’m important to you or wanted by you. When the affair partner expressed such desire for me, I felt alive and full for the first time in a long time.”

“It won’t happen again.”

And maybe it won’t. The words here are unimportant; it’s the actions that matter. Has all contact been cut off? Have the reasons for the infidelity been explored? Has responsibility been accepted? If these things haven’t happened, then this is truly an excuse and better ignored.

What it may mean… “At this moment, I don’t plan on ever doing it again. But I also feel weak. Powerless. I’ll try to do better.”

The words spoken by somebody caught cheating are usually a combination of projection (accusing you of what they’re doing), reflection (looking at the reasons for their choices) and misdirection (trying to pass off blame).

For the betrayed, find comfort in the fact that most of their words are about trying to make themselves feel better. Try not to take it too personally. On the other hand, an affair is a wake up call. Make sure you listen to what it’s telling you about your marriage and about how you respond in relationships.

And at the end of the day, accept responsibility for your part but refuse to take the blame for theirs.

And for a positive spin on a totally sucky situation –

15 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When you discover that you have been cheated on, your mind immediately begins spinning with questions – “How could they do this?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I ever going to be okay again?”

Those questions are completely understandable. After all, the person who trusted the most has betrayed you, ripping the well-loved rug of your life from beneath your un-cushioned feet. You’re lost. Confused. Sad and angry. And probably more than a little frightened.

Nothing makes sense as normalacy has been bathed in pain, the betrayal permeating every fiber of your being. The answers that you once seemed so sure of have been replaced with questions. The certainties shoved aside for the great unknowns.

While you’re in this maelstrom fueled by the realization that you have been cheated on, ask yourself the following questions to find some clarity and to begin to regain your footing.


Am I still breathing?

Since you’re able to read, I am going to go ahead and assume that the answer is, “Yes.”

Now, are you breathing deeply? I wager not. Right now, I want you to take a deep breath, all the way down to the bottom recesses of your lungs. Pull it in and sigh it out of your open mouth. Try it again. Maybe even a third time. Do you feel just a little bit of that panicked tightness release?

The discovery of betrayal may not place us in physical danger, but it definitely qualifies as a threat to your life. As a result, your body responds by sending out fight or flight signals. And one of the first things to suffer is the breath.

It becomes a vicious cycle – stress tells your body to breathe shallowly and rapidly and shallow breathing tells your body that it is stressed. Since you can’t undo the stress caused by the infidelity, work instead to interrupt the cycle by controlling the breath. Several times a day, ask yourself the question, “Am I breathing?” And then make the answer, “Yes!”

Is there a person or place that helps me feel a sense of safety or security right now?

After I learned of my husband’s double life, I purchased a super-soft and fuzzy throw. I found my safe space within its comforting folds. Whenever the world began to feel overwhelming, I wrapped myself inside of it, a cocooning caterpillar dreaming of better days.

Do you have something similar in your life right now? A place, a person or even a silly object that makes you feel grounded and helps you believe that maybe the entire world hasn’t gone all topsy-turvy? When we’re spinning out of control, it helps to have something to hold onto.

What has been taken from me?

This question may seem easy to answer at first. In fact, I bet the answers will practically burst from your mouth. Release them. Let them go.

And then explore what’s underneath that initial purge. Those losses are often much more subtle, more nuanced than the major ones we see at first. Yet they are still important. Being cheated on is a death, a theft and a swindle all in one. There’s quite a bit there to uncover.

And underlying all of it is that it occurred without your consent or complicity. Of all that was taken from you, perhaps you discover that your agency was the biggest loss.

What do I wish my spouse could understand?

Because they don’t understand, do they? If they did, they wouldn’t have been been able to do what they did.

Unfortunately, even as science has allowed us to peer into the brain to begin to understand its inner workings, we have yet to develop a way to transfer our feelings to another. So we have to resort to words and gestures.

So, what do you wish they knew? What feelings are you experiencing that you want them to comprehend?

If you’re talking with your partner, you can share these. If you’re not, it can still be helpful to release them in writing, even if left unsent. Whichever route you take, be aware of the limitations of your words. You can share them, yet you cannot control how they are received. Speak and then be willing to listen, even if the only response you get is your own thoughts about the words released on paper.

Why do I think my spouse might have made this choice?

The initial reaction to a discovery of cheating is often – and rightfully – anger. The cheater is painted as a villain. One-dimensional, completely selfish and manipulative.

And I’m not denying that those traits are often present. Yet that’s rarely the entire picture. After all, if that’s who they are, why did you marry them in the first place.

Take a step back. And another. Try to look at the bigger picture, not as a betrayed spouse, but as a detective. What factors, either environmental or behavioral, might have contributed to them making this horrific decision?

These contributing factors are not an excuse for the behavior – that was a choice. However, understanding what may have led up to this can help you release some of the anger. Not for the cheater’s benefit, but for yours.

What if it’s not about me?

I know I initially saw my husband’s actions as a direct assault on me. He was the arrow and I was the target brutally pierced by his betrayals. And then I asked myself this very question.

And the answer that came to me was powerful indeed. I realized that his myriad deceptions and despicable choices were all about him – his pain, his cowardice, his inability to deal with his issues. I just happened to be in the way.

So, what if it’s not about you?

Am I allowing my partner’s words or actions to define me?

Betrayal rarely comes without some sort of gaslighting or emotional abuse. Are you permitting your cheating partner’s words to or about you to take up residence in your mind? Are you taking the blame for their actions? Or, are you letting them convince you that you are not enough?

I ask you this – Why would you let a person of questionable character determine your worth?

Now that this has happened, what could my partner do to make it better?

This is a telling answer. If you respond with, “Nothing,” then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. If your partner is forthcoming, remorseful and working towards change, you may a different answer.

Either way, there are limits to what your spouse can do. They cannot wipe your memory clean. Nor can they instantly restore trust and security. They can help you bandage the wound, but ultimately healing is up to you.

What insight does learning that I’ve been cheated on give me into myself?

I know. This is a big ask.

I’ll share my own insight to help give you some ideas.

My own parents divorced when I was a child and my dad moved across the country. He never actually abandoned me – there was an open line of communication and the child support was always on time. Yet, once my husband left, I realized that I harbored a fear of abandonment that traced back to my parent’s divorce.

That fear made me shy away from confrontation with my husband. It allowed him to easily manipulate me into believing what I wanted to be true. I certainly didn’t cause my husband’s cheating, but I didn’t allow myself to see it coming either.

Since the betrayal, I’ve found my confidence. My fearlessness. My fight. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned because I know that I’m enough on my own.

So how about you? What have you learned about yourself now that you have been cheated on?

What do I want to do now? Do I have to make a decision immediately?

When you find out you’ve been cheated on, it’s common to want to make big sweeping changes. To run away from the entire situation and pretend that it was all a terrible dream.

Yet, as you’re probably aware, your thinking isn’t very clear right now. Your rational brain may feel like it has vacated the premises and has been replaced by some primal and instinctual beast.

Identify those actions that need to happen now and allow the others to wait until your brain is fully operational again.

Who do I have in my life that you can talk to without concern of judgment?

Betrayal is weird. The ones who do it often seem unscathed. And those that are its victims often carry the shame, enhanced by the judgment of others (“What did you do to make them cheat?” is the scathing undercurrent in many exchanges).

When you’re processing the aftermath of being cheated on, you need people in your corner. People who will listen without undue criticism and will not shy away from unpolished emotion.

What areas of my life have been relatively untouched by the betrayal?

Betrayal – and divorce if that’s in your cards – have an impressive way of impacting seemingly every area of your life. Even those regions that are on the surface, completely unrelated.

But look deeper. Do you have anything in your life that is still unchanged? A hobby? An interest? An acquaintance at work that doesn’t know about your situation?

I bet you do.

Make note of these. They are a precious reminder that there is still life in you now and that there will be life again when this is all over.

What warning signs of cheating are only visible to me in hindsight?

Now that you’ve been cheated on, do you know what signs to look for?

I bet you do.

Some signs can be quite subtle, can’t they? And then there’s the part that nobody tells you about – the internal (and often subconscious) bargaining and flat-out denial about what you’re seeing.

I think that’s the biggest lesson from the clarity of hindsight. If cheating is happening, there will be no head in the sand again.

How does this impact how I view relationships?

Once you’ve been cheated on, you lose some of your innocence around relationships. Examine your feelings. Are you painting all men or women with the brush tainted by your cheating spouse? Or, are you swearing off relationships altogether?

Being cheated on will change you. Make sure you remain aware of those alterations and that you steer them in healthy directions over time.

Because that’s the biggest question to ask yourself –

How am I going to not let this pain define the rest of my life?

The Cheater’s Playbook

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheater

My ex left behind a letter, typed and in duplicate, when he unexpectedly exited my life. That was followed a couple weeks later by a suicide (attempted) email, sent to both his other wife and my mother. Since I had no other explanations, I poured over those words for months, looking for answers.

His words were cruel, dismissing my importance in his life and emphasizing his unhappiness (which he blatantly denied up until he left). I internalized his sentences, saw them as a direct reflection on me.

And then I connected with others who had been cheated on and summarily dismissed. I was shocked to hear that they had received many of the same words from their ex.

“Do all cheaters read the same playbook?” we joked.

But behind the quip was something deeper – if they all recite the same lines, maybe those words have more to do with the cheater and less to do with me.

I read the letters again, this time with a different perspective. He was making excuses. Maybe for the benefit of others, but even more likely, in an attempt to assuage any guilt he may have felt over his actions.

The context of these words matters.  People certainly can change and relationships that once were a good fit may not be any more. Some people choose to handle the end with respect for the other person. When these word are spoken in that context, they can be valid and true. Others make different choices and use these words to try to excuse their deceptive behavior and to try to pass blame on to the other partner. In that context, these same words are poison to the receiving end.

If there is a Cheater’s Playbook somewhere, these phrases would certainly be found within:

 

I’ve never felt like this for somebody before.

Hmmm…that’s funny. Because I seem to remember you using some of the same proclamations of love with me that I uncovered with your new paramour.

 

He/she just gets me.

Do they even know you? I wonder what sort of front you have presented and if your mask has had the opportunity to slip?

 

I just wanted a chance at happiness.

So do I. Funny thing, though. I don’t perceive lying to others as a prerequisite for happiness. In fact, if I was hurting someone I cared about, it would make me pretty damn miserable.

 

I haven’t been happy for a long time.

So why didn’t you say something? Spouses certainly get to know one another, but full-on mind-reading is still science fiction.

 

I didn’t mean for it to happen.

Oh, please. You may not have had the intention to cheat from the onset, but you certainly made lots of choices that led you to that conclusion.

 

You’re imagining things.

I wish I was. That would be preferable to realizing the truth, that the person that I loved and trusted most in this world decided to act selfishly and destroy my world as a result.

 

This wouldn’t have happened if you…

Nope. Not taking that on. If there was something you were not happy about, it is YOUR responsibility to bring it up and provide an opportunity for it to change.

 

I never had a chance to…

I am so sorry (said with much sarcasm) that you didn’t get a chance to date/enjoy your childhood/have adult time without children. Choices have consequences. You don’t get to pretend they don’t.

 

I need someone who pays attention to me.

So do I, but you’ve obviously been turning elsewhere. And whatever you nurture, grows.

 

You don’t appreciate me.

Well, I don’t appreciate this, that’s for damn sure. And be honest with yourself, have you been acting in a way that deserves appreciation?

 

You don’t understand me.

You’re right. I don’t. I don’t understand how you could just throw away all that we have worked to build. That’s not who I fell in love with.

 

I’m just not attracted to you anymore.

You know, there have been many moments when I’m not attracted to you. But our vows are bigger than that. Commitment sometimes means putting in the effort to reignite that passion.

 

I never meant to hurt you.

Well, you did a great job of it nonetheless. What exactly did you think the repercussions of this discovery would be? A welcome party for your affair partner?

 

I never loved you.

That certainly fits your actions. I don’t know what’s worse – thinking you could do this to someone you love or realizing that you faked your feelings the entire time?

 

In order to begin healing, I had to realize that his words were projection and misdirection. I had to learn which of them to ignore and which contained some element of truth. Because one thing is certain about cheaters – they lie. And so often the words they share upon their exit are nothing more than little drops of fiction, breadcrumbs that if followed, lead to the wrong conclusions.

Cheater Aversion Syndrome

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One rarely-discussed side effect of being cheated on is the vicersal reaction that occurs when you witness infidelity secondhand, even when it only involves strangers. The symptoms can be severe and may include any or all of the following:

  • a sense of disgust and even nausea
  • a feeling of panic or needing to leave the room
  • headache and shortness of breath
  • a sinking or churning sensation in the gut
  • building discomfort and distress
  • confusion and uncertainty about how to respond
  • powerful empathy for the unsuspecting partners at home

I had an attack of cheater aversion syndrome last week at my gym. A woman (who I had never seen before) entered and was immediately greeted in a very familiar manner by one of the trainers. At first, I thought nothing of it. After all, PDA between two consenting adults is none of my business.

They stationed themselves right in front of the treadmill I was using, so I was within earshot of her statement, “My husband doesn’t know where I am, so if he calls, I’ll have to leave. Will you be here all day? I can try to sneak out again later.”

The wave of nausea that immediately came over me made my sprinting more challenging.

His hand casually cupped around the curve of her hip as they talked certainly didn’t help.

I pushed through the end of my intervals as he “trained” her in front of me (honestly, I think “posed” would be a more appropriate verb for what I witnessed). Visions of her unsuspecting husband at work kept swimming through my head. I wondered what impressions he had of the health of his marriage.

I contemplated what drove her to make this choice. Did she feel unappreciated? Were insecurities taking root as the years began to threaten her attractive appearance? Was she no longer happy with her husband but was determined to stick it out for the kids? Was this a full-blown affair or merely the first steps on the slippery slope to that end?

I found myself passing judgement on this stranger in front me. A stranger that, if I hadn’t witnessed the blatant extramarital flirting, I probably would have thought was quite lovely.

Instead, I did what I usually do in these situations.

I left.

A sure-fire cure for cheater aversion syndrome.

 

 

Forgiving Yourself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve done some dumb things. 

Some things I’m not proud of.

And some that I’m embarrassed about.

 

I’ve made bad decisions.

Followed by worse ones.

And held tightly to some bad assumptions.

 

I’ve inadvertently hurt those I’ve loved.

Made others feel badly.

And neglected to own up to my faults.

 

I could get mad at my former iterations; berate myself for my shortcomings and mistakes. Goodness knows, I did plenty of that when I learned that my ex husband had me completely fooled.

 

Or, I could see those earlier versions of myself as steps along the way, focusing on making minor adjustments based on previous experiences.

 

 

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We had dinner with an old friend the other night. He went through a bad breakup – after a bad relationship – several years ago. He still sees his ex periodically and he mentioned how much these encounters still impact him. Interestingly, the emotional reactions are not due to lingering feelings for her or residual sadness from the breakup.

The negative response is because she reminds him of who he was several years ago. And not only does our friend not like his old self, the fact that he was that person results in anger.

He has forgiven his ex.

He has yet to forgive himself.

 

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I loved my husband’s response to this proclamation, “Without blue belt Brock, there would be no black belt Brock. I sucked back then. I knew nothing and made stupid mistakes. But if I hadn’t been through that, I wouldn’t have been able to become a black belt.”

Wow. Truth right there.

 

We are all experiential learners.

 

No child walks with confidence the first time they stand. Adolescents endure plenty of awkward make-out sessions before they learn how to kiss. Pilots train on virtual planes so that their mistakes have little impact in the real world. Apple had to come out with some pretty clunky versions of computers before they could develop the sleeker machines they are now known for.

We learn by doing, making mistakes and trying again. And getting mad at ourselves for not getting it right the first time is as silly as yelling at a toddler for falling down on their initial attempt at walking.

That past version of you was a necessary step for this current version of you.

If we commit to punishing ourselves for what has happened in the past, we leave little energy for improvement. When we forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, we allow ourselves the opportunity to learn and improve.

 

Forgive yourself for what you have done. Don’t excuse yourself from doing better.

 

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