Feeling Lonely After Divorce?

We all experience those gut-dropping moments when we feel alone after divorce. Mine came one night when I realized that I was going to be late returning “home,” which was a spare bedroom generously offered for the school year by my friend and her husband. Used to being married, I panicked a bit, thinking that somebody would be worried about my whereabouts and welfare.

And then it hit me.

There wasn’t anybody that I needed to report to. There wasn’t somebody who needed to be kept in the loop about important decisions or changes in plan. It was only me.

Well, me and the cat, I guess.

I often see people respond to this natural and inevitable (and temporary!) feeling of loneliness by doing one of two things:

1) Isolating further and retreating into themselves (which only increases feelings of being unloved and unlovable).

or

2) Entering the dating scene too early as a source of attention and distraction (which only increases the feelings of being unseen and disposable).

How about trying these strategies instead?

 

Update and a New Podcast

I had a dream come true last week. For almost twenty years, I’ve been online-stalking tropical yoga retreats. And last year, when I saw a women’s trip to Costa Rica listed on the event board of my favorite yoga studio (AND it was being led by my favorite instructors!), I decided to take the plunge and sign up.

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And I’m SO glad I did. Every minute of last week’s trip to the beautiful Pacific town of Nosara was magical, from zip lining across forest valleys to meditating solo in a huge outdoor shala overlooking the trees during a sunset thunderstorm. The women were amazing, the yoga restorative, the locals warm and welcoming, and the monkeys wildly entertaining.

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I don’t usually do things like this for myself (“It’s too expensive.” “I don’t have the time.” “It’s not practical.”) And I did have moments of guilt during the trip (“Are my students okay?” “I could have spent this money elsewhere.” “I’ve left my husband with all the household stuff.”), but I realized that letting those thoughts intrude only negated the investment of time and money. If I was going to do it, I needed to DO it.

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So I did. And I recommend that you give yourself the gift of enjoying your dreams when you can make them happen. Guilt free. It’s okay to step away sometimes and take care of yourself.

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I received a surprise message from one of the women this morning (who was unknown to me before the trip). She started listening to a podcast she subscribes to and was shocked when she realized I was the guest. Small world:)

Here’s the new podcast and if ever get a chance to go to Costa Rica, do so and tell the monkeys that Lisa says “hi.”

 

 

Not Suitable For Release

Several days ago, a tiger was spotted near I-75 just outside of Atlanta. I can only imagine the initial reaction of the 911 center when the first call came through early that morning –

“911. What’s your emergency.”

“Uh, yeah. There’s a tiger walking down my street.”

“Did you say a tiger, sir?” the operator responds, trying to maintain professionalism and keeping the incredulousness out of her voice.

“Yes. A tiger.”

Hours later, a woman was alerted to something by the sharp barks of her dog outside in the yard and the sudden illumination of her kitchen from the headlights of the police cars. The timing was serendipitous; just as the great cat snatched the small dog in its jaws, the police fired upon the tiger. The dog was fine. The cat, unfortunately, had to be killed. With the city beginning to stir and children heading to their bus stops soon, it was simply too dangerous to wait for the team with the tranquilizers darts to arrive on scene.

It wasn’t until later that night that the full story came out. The tiger was part of a circus convoy driving to Tennessee. Somehow, it managed to escape the trailer while it was parked overnight and it decided to explore the wilds of central Georgia.

This story made me think about the life of that female tiger. I don’t know if she was born in captivity or captured as a cub, but I do know that she spent years in captivity. In some ways, her life as a kept animal was easier than that in the wild – she never had to face hunger, she didn’t have to work too hard for food and any injuries or illness would be quickly attended to.

And like all animals accustomed to captivity, I’m sure she adapted. Over time, those natural instincts to hunt and wait and fight for food would begin to soften. Her nose, no longer needed for survival, would become lazy. And her ability to endure the hardships would weaken as she grew comfortable in her limited and unchallenging world.

After only a brief period in captivity, many wild animals are deemed, “not suitable for release.” They have become too soft, too complacent to make it out in the real world with its fights and its famines. They no longer know how to hunt. They have forgotten how to interact with the group. They have lost the drive and the grit to survive.

Much the same can happen to us. When we’re held in environments that both constrain us and overly care for us, we can become soft. Forgetful of how to be hungry and fearful of struggle. Like the captive animals, we become accustomed to things being easy and we can flounder when circumstances become more difficult.

There’s a lesson here, one of which I’m always cognizant of in the classroom, when we try to make things too easy, to remove all of the discomfort, we are teaching our children and ourselves to be dependent, not suitable for release. I’ve never been a fan of “no pain, no gain,” but I’m a big believer in the idea that struggle is what makes us strong. There’s a huge span between comfortable and pain. And that’s where the growth happens.

However, all that being said,

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6 Questions to Ask Yourself to Decide If You’re Ready to Date After Divorce

10 Empowering Thoughts to Hold Onto When It’s All Falling Apart