Ten Metaphors for Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce metaphors

Which metaphor best describes your divorce?

 

1 – The Too-Small House

It seems perfect. The spaces seem custom-built to accommodate your needs and it immediately feels like a home. Over time, as the family grows and the demands on the home increase, those walls that once felt comforting begin to feel like a prison. The house is simply too small.

Sometimes people outgrow relationships. The person that once fit nicely into their lives is now a source of frustration. Support has turned into constriction and the need to fully expand becomes too great to ignore.

 

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2 – The Unraveling of the Favorite Sweater

At first, it is coveted, although a little unfamiliar. It still holds the creases of the hanger and the pigment is true and bright. Over time, it begins to mold to your body. Soften. It is a familiar hug, a safe place to return. The initial damage seems slight, inconsequential. It’s only a loose thread. Yet that single thread is what holds the sweater together.

Marriages can mirror this same pathway, moving from shiny and new to familiar and then to worn and damaged. There is a both bittersweet memory of the original shape and a discontentment with the current status.

 

3 – The Sudden Allergy

It comes on quickly, a shock to all present. What was perfectly acceptable and even enjoyed has now become a source of illness. The underlying cause of the dramatic change is difficult to pinpoint. But the result is the same. These two entities can simply no longer coexist.

In relationships, this sudden allergy may be due to some environmental shift or it can also arise from unidentified underlying issues. The abrupt shift will come as a surprise and it may take some time to accept the needed alterations. Yet, until this essential incompatibility is addressed, the maladaptive reactions will continue to occur.

 

4 – A Graduation

At some point, the student no longer needs the teacher. Graduation brings about complex emotions. It is the remembrance of all the lessons learned and the shared struggles and triumphs in the classroom. There is celebration born from completion and also fear of the upcoming unknown and a concern about being ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

Some marriages end because the lessons have been learned. It becomes time to close one chapter in order to begin the next where the lessons can now be applied in a new situation. These are bittersweet endings as the shared journey is remembered and honored even as the natural end is acknowledged.

 

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5 – The Rotten Apple

It seems so tempting. Its taut and shiny skin unblemished under the artificial lights of the store. It promises sweet, crispy sustenance just beneath the surface. With joyous anticipation, you bite down. Only to discover that the flesh beneath the skin is black and rotten.

These are the marriages entered into with the narcissist or other personality that likes to hide behind shiny promises. It seems too good to be true. And eventually, you discover that it is.

 

6 – A Remodel

At one point, the decor was perfect for you. It matched your aesthetic and your lifestyle. But then your tastes changed, slowly at first. You began small, replacing some artwork and maybe freshening up the throw pillows. Over time, you start to realize that the changes have a domino effect and that the entire space needs an overhaul.

We all change over time and through experiences. Sometimes we find that these small changes have a compounding effect and that a relationship that once fit in nicely no longer matches anything else.

 

7 – Vision Correction

The lens clicks into place and suddenly the eye chart, once nothing but a muddy blur, comes into sharp focus. You see it all and for once, you see it clearly. You no longer have to guess at the truth behind the fuzzy images.

Sometimes we have trouble truly seeing the person right in front of us. And when our vision is blurry, we fill in the details with expectations and assumptions, often born from past experiences. It can be quite surprising when your vision is suddenly corrected and you see the person as they are. Especially when you realize that the reality is far from what you imagined.

 

8 – The Training Wheels

We fix training wheels to children’s bicycles not because of any physical need, but to address their need for a sense of security and safety. Likewise, their removal is due more to an increase in confidence than in a change in ability.

Sometimes relationships are the preferred training wheels of adults. These are partnerships often entered into young, before the individuals have developed confidence in themselves to be able to operate alone. Then, as one or both spouses begin to replace their self-doubt with more assurance, they may discover that the training wheels are no longer needed and that they would prefer to ride unencumbered.

 

9 – A Malignancy

It has to come out. The tumor is a source of poison, restricting life-force and threatening your very survival. It will be painful. Brutal, even, as there is a certain about of healthy tissue that must be removed as well in order to assure that all of the diseased material is removed. Yet even with the trauma, the removal brings a sense of hope.

These are the abusive marriages. The abuser inhabits their victim, slowly programming the cells to behave as they dictate. As with a tumor, the removal must be swift and it will be painful. And there may be some residual scars left behind.

 

10 – The Tsunami

There is no sign of impending disaster. The skies are blue, the water clear. And then, without warning, the placid ocean becomes a voracious beast, swallowing what seems to be the entire world. Leaving behind nothing but destruction and emptiness.

Some marriages end with the suddenness and force of a tsunami. Often, the one leaving has been silently gathering up resources and making plans. And once they act, they disappear without concern for what was left in their wake.

Won’t You Take Me Out of Funky Town?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
funk

I’m gonna be real here.

Real real.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk since this school year started. And I’m in the South, so that was two months ago. I’m doing that thing that I used to do in my old life that I promised myself I wouldn’t do anymore. I’m waiting. Promising myself that it will be better as soon as…

Except some of those milestones have passed and I’m still waiting. And still funky.

I can enumerate the reasons I’ve been funkified:

  1. I’m feeling overwhelmed and overworked. Yes, I know I say this every fall. Yet this year feels worse (even though I know I say that every year too). I’m needed more by some of the other teachers this year and I’m struggling to balance their needs with the needs of my students (along with trying to remember that I have needs too and these are just as valid). I keep waiting for the groove to come, but I’m not sure it will.
  2. My husband underwent cervical fusion at the end of August. It was stressful waiting for the surgery (there was a minimal but very real risk of paralysis if there was any impact to the neck before the fusion). And of course, surgery itself is scary. The procedure went well and healing is progressing nicely. But it’s still hard. I’ve had to take on more and he’s without his normal martial arts outlet, which takes a toll on both of us.
  3. I haven’t had much social connection since school started. I do best with social contact about once a week or so. I’ve had only two encounters with friends in the past month. Definitely not sufficient, especially because I’m pretty isolated from adult contact at work.
  4. Many of my favorite podcasts are still on summer hiatus. Trivial, I know. except it’s not. Between my morning dog walk, my commute and my monotonous teacher tasks (like collating and stapling unit summaries), I can easily consume about three hours of audio content a day. So when it’s limited, I notice.
  5. This one is 100% my fault. I slipped on the daily gratitude journal again. It’s been easy to claim that I’m too busy. Except it takes less than 60 seconds, so that’s utter bullshit. I’m not too busy. I’m too IN the busy. And still stuck on the mindset that if I just keep my head down and keep pushing, I’ll push through and have space to breathe.
  6. And probably the hardest part – when I’ve shared with others that I’m struggling, they seem to dismiss it. Minimize it. It could be that I’m overly sensitive to this, but I think it’s because they have the perception that I don’t fall apart (or haven’t in the last nine years, at least). So they assume that I’m okay, even when I try to say that I’m not. It’s a key problem of being one of the “strong ones.”

I haven’t been all-bad though. I’ve prioritized yoga. I’ve been taking some time to read and I even joined a book club (a first ever for me). I have committed to and maintained a hard 8:00 pm deadline to put work aside no matter how unfinished it is. I sought out some new-to-me podcasts (thank you By the Book; you’ve made this week much better!) and made the trip to renew my library card so that I can again download audio books. I switched gyms to one that is closer, cheaper and has the most bad-ass treadmill-ish contraption that allows me to do sprints inside. And I love coming home to a puppy that insists that play is important no matter how much work there is to do.

I need to do better though. To find a way to breathe within this chaos instead of waiting for the chaos to end. Because it won’t. Chaos is a part of life. All that changes is the particular tone and texture of it.

I keep coming back to the book my club discussed earlier this month – 29 Gifts. It describes a woman’s resolution to give – and document – 29 gifts in 29 days. I liked the idea, especially since I’ve been feeling somewhat resentful over the amount of myself I’m having to give right now. I’m not ready to do the full challenge right now, but I’m really working on shifting my thinking around what I’m doing – seeing my time as a gift rather than something being taken from me. It’s a small step, but it is a step. After all, how many times do I tell people that we have limited control over what happens to us, but a lot of say in how we respond to it?

Next week is fall break. I’m viewing it as an opportunity for a big ol’ reset. Do some self-care, visit with friends, get some sleep and put some things in place to keep me grounded and sane when the intensity (which just aptly auto-corrected to “insanity”) picks up again.

Because I refuse to allow this funk to follow me into October.

Please hold me accountable.

Benefits of Traveling Outside Your Comfort Zone

Posted on by stilllearning2b
comfort zone

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I had two choices for my morning run today – the relative comfort of a treadmill in my dry and air-conditioned gym or the muddy trails of a nearby park in the rain and oppressive mugginess that blankets the east coast in the warm months.

I debated for a few moments, considered how miserable I would likely be on an outdoor run as I struggled to breathe in air that was more water than oxygen and how tempting it was to remain in the manufactured comfort of air-conditioned space.

After swallowing the last of my coffee, I went downstairs and selected my trail-running shoes, opting for the less comfortable option. At the beginning of the trail, I questioned my choice. The sweat was already soaking through my shirt, my lungs were threatening to wheeze and a strange guy on the relatively empty trail caused me to grip the mace I carry just a little tighter.

But then after the first mile, I began to find my stride. The moisture in the air became less noticeable, my breathing began to acclimate and the weird guy stayed weird, but also stayed back. And by the time I made it back to my car, looking like I had just completed a mud run complete with a culminating dunk in a body of water, I was happy that I chose the less comfortable route.

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Which are you more likely to regret – the step that takes you out of your comfort zone or the inaction that keeps you there?

 

We all like to be comfortable. All of us fear the unknown and to some extent, shudder at the thought of potential failure. We shy away from experiencing any sensation that could be labeled as unpleasant. All of us have become experts at crafting and disseminating excuses that give us permission to maintain the status quo, telling ourselves stories to justify our inaction and our conclusions.

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Life – real life – happens outside your comfort zone.

 

When we take steps outside our comfort zone, we are granted permission to fail.

Once you’ve been labeled “good” at something, you are expected to perform at a certain level every single time. In contrast, when something is brand new to you, any failure is somehow less personal and more situational. That makes it much easier to face.

 

When we take steps outside our comfort zone, we are allowed to be unsure.

I don’t know about you, but I always feel pressure to appear confident about my decisions and my actions. I feel like this is one of the great lies of adulting. When we were little, we assumed that adults knew what they were doing. Only now, we’re the grown ones and we’re just faking it. When you’re doing something new, you’re allowed to reveal that insecurity.

 

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When we take steps outside our comfort zone, small achievements are recognized and celebrated.

When you were a baby, your every “first” was marked and even memorialized. That recognition of small successes often fades as we age. When you’re outside your comfort zone, you are far more aware of those “firsts” and mark them of signs of growth.

 

When we take steps outside our comfort zone, we have fewer expectations from ourselves or from others.

Expectations can be powerful limiters. Just look at those studies where teachers of completely average classes were either told that their children were brilliant or behind. The children performed not based on their ability, but according to their teacher’s expectations. And in our day-to-day lives, we are just as likely to limit ourselves with claims of, “I can’t.” When we take that step outside of our comfort zone, we are instead asking, “But what if I can…?”

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When we take steps outside our comfort zone, assumptions – and beliefs – are challenged and often adjusted.

WE often reach conclusions based on what we experience. So the more limited your experiences, the less-informed and potentially more biased your assumptions will be. When we meet new people and experience new ways of seeing the world, we are forced to re-examine and maybe even readjust our beliefs.

 

When we take steps outside our comfort zone, learning combats frustration born of stagnation.

Humans get bored. Just watch a modern queue and take notice of how many people are engaged in their phones to avoid a few minutes of idle and purposeless time. The same thing happens on a larger scale. We thrive on novelty, on challenge. When there is nothing left to learn, we become stagnant and then frustrated. The space outside a comfort zone offers unlimited opportunities for learning.

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When we take steps outside our comfort zone, curiosity dominates and inspires wonder.

Have you ever watched a kid in a new environment? A place that is known to you suddenly becomes alive with possibility when seen through their eyes. Our brains have literally evolved to disregard that which is too ordinary. And when your life is spent entirely within a comfort zone, you risk having your brain ignore it all. Newness encourages our brains to wake up and pay attention, bringing with it a childish sense of exploration and wonder.

 

When we take steps outside our comfort zone, we allow space for authenticity and purpose.

We all-too-often become our labels – mother, father, caretaker, employee, etc. We forget who we really are and what really inspires us and drives us. When we leave our comfort zone, we often discard those labels for a period of time, allowing us the the opportunity to discover what is really important to us.

 

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Common Challenges in Post-Divorce Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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Post-divorce relationships are often where the fears of experiencing heartbreak again collide with the hope and heady infatuation of early attachment. These opposing emotional forces, along with any lingering unresolved divorce issues, present certain common challenges in relationships entered into after one or both parties experienced divorce.

 

You meet the right person at the wrong time.

Finding a good match is as much about the timing as it is the person. You may encounter somebody who radiates potential, but if either one of you is not yet ready for a relationship, that potential has to be put on hold. It can be tempting to try to push it; to discount the warning signs that there is still healing work to be done. It’s scary and disheartening to release the possibility of a connection when you have been feeling alone and afraid of finding somebody. Yet sometimes, accepting that the timing isn’t right is exactly what is needed so that you’re not pouring energy into a relationship that is built on unstable ground.

 

You carry over blame or suspicion meant for your ex to your new partner.

If your ex behaved badly, you may be primed to assume that your new partner is also up to something whenever your back is turned. Instead of coming from a place of innocent until proven guilty, you may be operating from a place of assumed guilt where you’re looking for evidence to support your beliefs. This is easy to do. If you’ve been fooled once by a liar or a cheater, you don’t want to ever experience that humiliation and betrayal again. However, there is a big difference between staying alert for bad behavior and assuming that bad behavior is occurring.

 

A fear of further heartbreak or relationship failure hinders – or prematurely ends – the relationship.

The pain that comes from the end of a relationship is brutal and it’s only natural that we act to avoid experiencing similar heartbreak again. A healthy approach to this is to address the factors that led to the divorce and to learn to accept that sometimes relationships serve their purpose and come to an end. Yet, more commonly, the fear of further pain prompts a person to leave before they’re left, making an exit before the attachment – and the predicted pain – becomes too strong.

 

You expect the new relationship to be as intimate and fulfilling as a marriage from the very beginning.

After divorce, the loneliness and isolation are gutting. So when you meet someone and feel those initial sparks fly, you become hopeful that the loneliness is over and that you again have someone that will truly see and appreciate you. Yet, this neglects to acknowledge that building a relationship and a shared history takes time. It’s not fair to expect that level of a connection in the beginning; you have to provide it with the opportunity to grow.

 

You are expecting the new relationship to heal you and to fill in the gaping void you’ve felt since divorce.

If you believe Hollywood, all you need is the right person to come into your life when you’re down and everything will be better. There’s a reason that these stories are presented as fiction; it doesn’t happen that way. There are certain post-divorce wounds that can only be healed within the context of a relationship (not necessarily a romantic one), but the work is still yours to do.

 

You are afraid of being open and vulnerable again, so you only let them in so much before the walls come up.

When we’re afraid, sometimes we fight, sometimes we flee, and sometimes we simply freeze. The latter is what happens when you feel too exposed in a new relationship and so you tuck yourself away behind carefully constructed barricades, built in an attempt to protect the heart from further assault. Although this strategy does limit risk, it also inhibits growth and fulfillment. It’s much like an attempt to learn to swim while refusing to get out of the shallow end of the pool.

 

You mistake the intensity of early attraction as the sign that you’ve found the “right one.”

In a long marriage, the intensity of the initial attraction inevitably fades over time. And so when you experience that jolt of biochemical desire again, it sends a powerful message. It’s easy to interpret this common biological response as a sign that this is the right person for you. By all means, enjoy the surge of passion and excitement, yet refrain from making any major decisions until you’ve given your body chemistry time to normalize.

 

You overreact to benign situations because it triggers memories from your marriage.

There will be times when you and your new partner are reading from different scripts. They may think that you’re arguing over something in the present while you’re whisked backwards in time and replaying a role from your marriage. These moments are challenging in a new relationship because the person who is triggered is flooded with emotion and if that continues unaddressed, it threatens to drown the new partnership as well.

 

You grasp onto a relationship that isn’t working because you want to avoid another ending.

Sometimes, we fall prey to the belief that someone is better than no-one. We will grasp onto a relationship not because we love the person, but because we fear being without a person. This is one of the main reasons for the advice to spend some time single before you enter into a new relationship. If you know that you’re okay alone, you’re much less likely to stay with somebody just for the sake of being coupled.

 

You attribute everything that was wrong in your marriage to your ex and expect everything to be instantly better with a new person.

Choosing the right person is certainly important. But it’s not everything. No matter what went wrong in your marriage, it is your responsibility to identify and address areas where you can do better. If you don’t, you may find that similar patterns continue to play out in future relationships, no matter who you choose to partner with.

 

Jealousy of former partners or relationships poisons the new connection.

It can be strange entering into a relationship with somebody that had an entirely other life – and love(s) – before you. It can be threatening to see evidence of this former life. Depending upon the situation, ex-spouses may even be a part of the new relationship. It takes a certain amount of maturity to recognize and accept that these early loves can coexist with your new one.

 

You compare your new partner to your ex.

It’s only natural to compare two different people who fill a similar role in your life. Yet comparison can be damaging if it impedes on your new partner’s ability to be accepted as their own person with their own inherent strengths and weaknesses. They will not be the same as your ex. In some facets, they will be a dramatic improvement and in others, they may be lacking. It’s up to you to select someone who has the characteristics that you deem critical and it’s up to you to not expect them to meet all of the positive traits that your ex possessed.

 

You experience an increased complexity in joining established lives.

If you married young, commingling two lives was probably relatively simple. That’s not the case in post-divorce relationships, with their higher bank accounts and debts, increased responsibilities and commitments and maybe even children or an ex that is still in the picture because of shared responsibilities. These external demands and restrictions are very real and can add a significant amount of challenge to a post-divorce relationship.

 

Common relationship challenges and transition points cause panic that the end is nearing.

Especially if the end of your marriage came as a surprise, you may find yourself panicking anytime your new relationship hits a rocky patch. This is tricky, because you want to take these signs seriously, yet if you overreact, you may end up sabotaging what you’re trying to save. It may take some practice to approach these issues with the right amount of energy and attention.

 

None of these common post-divorce challenges are insurmountable. Love after divorce is not only possible, you may even find that it’s better than before.

 

 

 

 

 

A “Safe Space” With a Purpose

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the most precious gifts I received during my divorce was the gift of safe spaces. I had my dear friend’s kitchen floor, where I could cry and curse without judgment while surrounded by the comforting activities of normal family life. I had my team at work who seemed to know whether I needed a hug, a bite to eat or simply a moment by myself. I had my family, who although spread around the country, would send me emails of support and understanding (liberally peppered with humorous anti-ex sentiments).

Those safe spaces were so treasured because the larger world was anything-but-safe. I had acquaintances question what I must have done to have deserved betrayal and abandonment. I had men at the gym view my fragility and naiveté as an invitation to pursue me long before I was ready to consider a new relationship. And social media? Ugh. It seemed like every message of well-stated support was followed by something well-meaning but clueless (“Don’t worry, honey. There are plenty of other men out there. And you’re still not too old to have babies.”). And then there were those that treated me like a pariah, as though divorce was somehow contagious and by consorting with me, they risked bringing it into their own homes.

There have been many groups that provide a safe space for those undergoing divorce. Each one strives to be a place free from the blaming and shaming that so easily follows the end of a marriage.

Divorce Nation is a little different. It is the safe space, offering virtual community so that those experiencing divorce don’t feel so alone. But unlike most other groups, they don’t just want to help you heal emotionally; they want to help heal your body too. Which from my experience, is a critical component to divorce recovery.

Exercise has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. And so when faced with the enormity of the challenge of coming back from the beat-down of divorce, it was no wonder that it became a significant part of my tool kit. Through fitness, I learned how to release the trauma from my body. The cage erected around my still-bleeding heart began to relax, allowing the lungs to again expand. Running released the excess anxiety while providing a welcomed sense of movement and progress. And yoga, my blessed yoga, continues to teach me that strength can exist alongside vulnerability.

I don’t think I could have made it through the divorce without the benefit of exercise.

Maybe exercise hasn’t been a part of your life. Or perhaps your once-welcoming gym now feels like a danger zone filled with happy-go-lucky youth or predatory singles. Divorce Nation wants to help you bring exercise into your life and teach you how it can help you heal and move forward, stronger in both mind and body.

I’m jealous of those in the Cleveland, Ohio area. A physical gym is in the works that specifically caters to those working through the end of a relationship. The vision is a safe space, a welcoming community with therapeutic support and the opportunity to allow the body to help heal the soul.

 

Here are the pertinent links for Divorce Nation:

Website

Instagram

M&P Fitness