When Gratitude is Your Wrapping Paper

Posted on by stilllearning2b
gratitude

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

If someone had told me ten years ago that I would ever be grateful for my tsunami divorce, I would have thought they were ignorant. Or cruel. Or, at the very least, utterly clueless and insensitive.

 

But, you what?

 

They would have been right.

 

My divorce was a doozy: 16 years of what-I-thought-was wedded bliss suddenly amputated with a single text message. This was followed by the discovery of marital fraud and felony bigamy. In one instant, the life I had was gone and it was stolen by the man who had lovingly kissed me goodnight for my entire adult life.

 

Needless to say, I was angry. Confused. Heartbroken. As the months carried into the first anniversary and beyond, it was difficult not to remain painfully focused on what I had lost. I was actively building a new life and was joyous in it, yet I drew a hard line that kept that same gratification from touching my past.

 

And that strategy worked for a time, as long as my past knew its proper place. But it never stayed put in the history books for long. Letters would arrive about new debts that I had to somehow pay, triggers would pounce from the most innocuous of events and fears of trusting again became apparent in my new relationship.

 

It became clear that ordering my past to simply sit and stay like an obedient dog wasn’t an effective approach.

 

So I did something radical.

 

I was inspired by the gratitude lists that circulate social media every fall. I love those lists. I enjoy reading how people are thankful for their families, their jobs and their health. I smile when I see their pictures of cooing babies or mischievous puppies. I appreciate the renewed energy that spills from accounting one’s blessings.

Those lists are beautiful.

Heart warming,

But I also think they’re a cop-out.

It’s easy to be thankful for the good things in your life. It’s easy to summon gratitude for the people and situations that bring us joy.

Don’t get me wrong; it’s valuable to take the time to enumerate those things you appreciate.

But it’s even more valuable to find reasons to be thankful for those things that bring us pain or grief or anger.

 

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

Much like an oyster encapsulates an irritating bit of sand with glorious mother of pearl, you can choose to envelop the torments in your life with thankfulness.

 

And so that’s what I did. Every time I wrote a check to pay for the hidden debts that were left in my lap, I wrote a reason I was grateful for the opportunity. I composed a list of reasons I was thankful for my ex, effectively muffling the pain. I taught myself to recognize the negative emotions and, rather than try to stuff them down or ride them out, I actively wrapped them in gratitude.

 

And it turns out that gratitude was the key to releasing me from the prison of my past. It happened. It altered me. But it does not control me. You cannot always change your circumstances, but you can always change your response. Gratitude is a choice you can always make.

 

So, I leave you with a challenge that can turn your greatest sufferings into your greatest gifts.

 

But it won’t be easy.

I call it radical gratitude for a reason.
Radical because it’s intense.
 Difficult.
 Almost unthinkable.
 But also because it has the chance of being life changing.

Identify the one person or thing or situation in your life that has caused you the most grief. The most pain. The most anger.

Find that dark hole that bleeds you.

That curse.

Maybe it’s an ex. Or an abusive parent. Perhaps it’s your job or lack thereof. Possibly, you face an illness that has stripped your body or had an accident that stole your health in one fell swoop. Maybe it’s not the presence of a person, but the loss of one.

Whatever it is, identify it.

And then be grateful for it. Create a list of ten reasons that you are thankful for your biggest challenge.

You can share it – here or elsewhere – or you can keep it to yourself.

But write it. Believe in it. And then release it.

When gratitude is your wrapping paper, everything is a gift.

 

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Forgiving Yourself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve done some dumb things. 

Some things I’m not proud of.

And some that I’m embarrassed about.

 

I’ve made bad decisions.

Followed by worse ones.

And held tightly to some bad assumptions.

 

I’ve inadvertently hurt those I’ve loved.

Made others feel badly.

And neglected to own up to my faults.

 

I could get mad at my former iterations; berate myself for my shortcomings and mistakes. Goodness knows, I did plenty of that when I learned that my ex husband had me completely fooled.

 

Or, I could see those earlier versions of myself as steps along the way, focusing on making minor adjustments based on previous experiences.

 

 

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We had dinner with an old friend the other night. He went through a bad breakup – after a bad relationship – several years ago. He still sees his ex periodically and he mentioned how much these encounters still impact him. Interestingly, the emotional reactions are not due to lingering feelings for her or residual sadness from the breakup.

The negative response is because she reminds him of who he was several years ago. And not only does our friend not like his old self, the fact that he was that person results in anger.

He has forgiven his ex.

He has yet to forgive himself.

 

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I loved my husband’s response to this proclamation, “Without blue belt Brock, there would be no black belt Brock. I sucked back then. I knew nothing and made stupid mistakes. But if I hadn’t been through that, I wouldn’t have been able to become a black belt.”

Wow. Truth right there.

 

We are all experiential learners.

 

No child walks with confidence the first time they stand. Adolescents endure plenty of awkward make-out sessions before they learn how to kiss. Pilots train on virtual planes so that their mistakes have little impact in the real world. Apple had to come out with some pretty clunky versions of computers before they could develop the sleeker machines they are now known for.

We learn by doing, making mistakes and trying again. And getting mad at ourselves for not getting it right the first time is as silly as yelling at a toddler for falling down on their initial attempt at walking.

That past version of you was a necessary step for this current version of you.

If we commit to punishing ourselves for what has happened in the past, we leave little energy for improvement. When we forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, we allow ourselves the opportunity to learn and improve.

 

Forgive yourself for what you have done. Don’t excuse yourself from doing better.

 

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Marriage is Not a Test

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Marriage is not a test.
I lived.
I loved.
I lost.
But I didn’t fail.

Society makes assumptions about those who are divorced. Maybe we lack the fortitude to persist through difficulties. Perhaps we possess some great fatal flaw that makes us unable to sustain matrimony. Or, possibility we are flighty, given to jump in without thought and give up just as easily.
There is often shame inherent in admitting that one is divorced, like some scarlet letter “D” is forever branded upon your character if your “ever after” ended sooner than expected. It’s as though you failed at one of the biggest assessments you face as an adult.

In the strictest sense, my marriage did fail. After all, it ceased to exist upon the receipt of the horrific text: “I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I’m leaving you and leaving the state.” Furthermore, my husband failed me through his betrayal and abandonment. I failed him by not seeing that he needed help and I failed myself by not being aware of his actions and the signs of a crumbling marriage. Yet, even with all that defeat, I refuse to look at my marriage as a failure. That label undermines our years together with all its shared memories and joys; the shared life and experiences are negated with that single word. Although I did feel as though I failed in some ways, I was adamant that I was not going to let my divorce define me as a failure.

Failure is an act, not a person. I’m divorced. Not defective.

As I grappled with the end of my marriage, I found comfort in the words of others. Others who had faced their own challenges and were determined to learn from and grow from their mistakes and unrealized goals.
There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums. Michael J. Fox

 

When the marriage died, I felt like I expired right along with it. As though my respirator had been yanked from my face and I was struggling to find the strength and will to breathe on my own. I felt unanchored and unable to escape from the pull of the dying marriage. Failures are not vacuums; we can summon the strength to move beyond them. The realization that I could choose to redefine my divorce was powerful; it gave me the motivation and momentum to continue.
I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy. Tony Robbins

 

I am often asked if I would have married him if I could turn back the years. I would. Yes, the divorce and associated suffering have been the most painful experience of my life. Yet, I could not imagine my life without having endured that pain. Without that failure, I would not have the perspective that allows so much gratitude and acceptance in my life today. Acceptance that extends to forgiveness for my ex and myself for the conditions that led to the end of the marriage.
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default. J. K. Rowling

 

I used to be too fear adverse in my old life; I would engage it what I call “practicing the perfect,” which is a way to feed the ego at the expense of the soul. I would try things only if I believed that I had a good chance of success. Interestingly, the cataclysmic end of the marriage released me from that fear of failing. I learned that it’s rarely fatal and that security is only an illusion. You’ll never know what you can do unless you try.
A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying. B. F. Skinner

 

The tendency is to respond to failure in one of two ways — blame others or internalize the mistake. That’s the ego talking again. It’s helpful to realize that most people in most situations are doing the best they can. I used this to help soften towards my ex. I realized that he didn’t do these things to me; I was simply collateral damage in his decisions. I also let up on the self-flagellation for not recognizing any red flags.
Success is not a good teacher, failure makes you humble. Shahrukh Khan

 

Our egos are a bit like young meatheads in a gym. Flexing in the mirror, wanting to appear strong and capable amongst the others. This means that sometimes we will try to lift more than we can without asking for assistance. And, just like in the weight room, this can only lead to disaster. When we fail at something, we can either give up or ask for help. Allow yourself to be humble, ask for a spotter and you’ll not only gain the respect of those around you, but you will also be able to lift more than you ever thought possible.
I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process. Oprah Winfrey

 

My biggest issue with labeling my marriage as a failure is that it focuses on the end and ignores the 16 years together. The 16 good years. Those still count. I still think back and smile. I may not love the man but I still love the memories. I think this thought is especially poignant for those with children from the union. It’s important for the kids not to think that you see the marriage that created them as a waste, a mistake. In some way and for some amount of time, it was successful.
Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Denis Waitley

 

Divorce is a powerful teacher if you listen to its lessons. Its methods may be harsh but its messages are life changing. A failed marriage does not make you a failure. The only true failure is failing to live and love, even if that means that sometimes you may lose.
Related:  What Makes a Marriage Successful (and Why Divorce Does Not Mean Failure)
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What Makes People Susceptible to Gaslighting?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s so hard for me now to understand how I fell for my ex-husband’s BS. From where I stand now, his gaslighting and manipulation tactics seems transparent and absurd.

But that certainly wasn’t the case while I was living it.

In fact, I was more likely to accept that I was crazy than to accuse him of madness.

Why was that? What conditions existed in myself, my marriage and in my life that made me susceptible to gaslighting?

Psychology reassures me that I’m not alone. In 1951, the Asch Conformity Experiment sought to garner information on if people will begin to go along with the assertions of others even when that conclusion is contradicted by their own senses.

In the experiment, a group of people were seated around a table and asked to select the card that matched a given image – displaying either one or three lines. In the control group, all of the subjects were authentic participants and people easily selected the correct card.

In the experimental group, only one person at the table was an actual subject; the others were part of the experiment and were directed to chose the incorrect card. In this situation, the subject went along with the majority about one third of the time and selected the incorrect card. The pressure to be accepted was greater than the confidence in their own instinct.

When interviewed later, some admitted that they made the selection even though they knew it was wrong.

And some confided that they truly believed that they were seeing something that wasn’t there.

Why is it that some people are relatively impervious to this kind of influence and others are more easily influenced?

 

Opportunity in Vulnerability

The early years with my ex-husband were marked by tragedy as thirteen of my friends and mentors died over a few years. During that period, my then-boyfriend became my rock. My center. I anchored to him because it felt like everything was being washed away.

I was needy. Uncertain. I looked to him for guidance, not because he had any more wisdom, but because I was lost myself.

When we’re broken open, we are more susceptible to being controlled by outside forces. In times of increased vulnerability, we are more likely to look for guidance from people intent on misleading us down a path of their choosing.

 

Fear of Rejection

I went into the relationship with my ex-husband carrying a substantial fear of abandonment. Within this fear, I confused a rejection of my ideas as a rejection of me. And so I too-willingly agreed. Because to disagree meant risking that I would be discarded.

It somehow seemed better to abandon my truth than to be abandoned myself.

The fear of rejection is powerful. In our core selves, we understand that in terms of survival, rejection equals death. And sometimes we’re willing to do the unthinkable to stay alive.

 

Trusting and Kind-Hearted Nature

Before the discovery that I was married to con man, I had little exposure to people trying to harm me. In my experiences, people were generally kind with good intentions and so I assumed a default position of trust.

We all have a tendency to see people as we are. So those that are susceptible to gaslighting are likely to be trustworthy and trusting. They struggle to accept that somebody – especially somebody who claims to love them – would intentionally manipulate and destroy them from the inside.

 

Open-Mindedness

As a curious and creative kid, I was always asking questions and considering possibilities. I learned to be wary of knee-jerk conclusions and long-carried assumptions. This open-mindedness served me well in academics. It didn’t prove so beneficial in relationships because I could be led into questioning my own conclusions. And that’s a problem when the one carrying the lead has nefarious intentions.

Open-mindedness is one of the key psychological traits that exist on a continuum. Those that exist on the more extreme end of the spectrum are likely more impressionable to outside influence.

 

Self-Doubt

Like many people, I sometimes struggle with an internal voice that questions my worth and my perceptions. My ex-husband knew this and would skillfully both reassure me and plant new seeds of doubt deep within the recesses of my mind.

Self-doubt is gold to a gaslighter; they’re drawn to it for the opportunity it provides and they are experts at utilizing it to their advantage. As a result, people are more vulnerable to gaslighting when they are in periods of transition that result in a greater self-doubt.

 

Isolation

In real terms, I wasn’t isolated during my marriage. I had a full-time job as a teacher, I tutored on the side and I talked with friends and family on a frequent basis.

Yet the reality was that I was isolated when it came to my marriage. Not only did I have tendency to spend too much time within my own head, I also refrained from talking about my husband or my marriage in any real way to those around me.

I never gave myself the opportunity for a reality check.

Gaslighting proliferates when there are no other sources of light. When there are a multitude of external influences, it is more difficult to be persuaded by a single source.

 

It’s easy for me to beat myself up over falling for his manipulations. But mostly, when I look back with perspective, I feel compassion for the woman I was. Yes, she made the mistake of trusting too much and loving too easily. And in the mix, she forgot how to trust herself. But she also showed how strong she was and in the end, she found the courage to find her truth.

 

Past, Meet Present

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Well, that was weird.

The letter was on the top of the stack in the mailbox. It was a thick envelope, formal looking. Through the window, I read my old name. My old married name. And under it, the name of my ex-husband. Both printed above my current address where I live with new name and my now husband.

Past, meet present.

My stomach dropped as I hurried into the house. I have been conditioned that any serious-looking mail with my ex-husband’s name on it is a sign of impending peril. Usually to my wallet.

I sat down on the living room floor and hurriedly opened the envelope while my pup tried to get my attention and my husband kissed the top of my head.

I had to read the cover letter a few times to understand what it was about.

Basically, there is a chance that I may receive some money from a lawsuit against my former mortgage holder because of how they dealt with foreclosures. I ended up with a foreclosure in my name because of the following:

  1. My ex embezzled marital funds for years, leaving me in the negative.
  2. He abandoned me and I was unable to pay for the house on my salary (especially with the parting gift of debt).
  3. He refused (through the lawyers; I never spoke with him again) to sell the house.
  4. In court, he stated he wanted the house. The judge agreed.
  5. He refused to refinance the mortgage in his name only (as ordered by the courts).
  6. He didn’t pay the mortgage.

Cue foreclosure.

I read the document over and over again, looking for a way that sending in a request for my portion of the funds could backfire. I couldn’t find one.

Technically, both holders of the former mortgage were supposed to sign, except in the case of death.

He might be dead for all I know. Or in prison. Or France. Or living in the next neighborhood over.

I put a note by his name – “Divorced due to abandonment in 2010. I have no knowledge about his current status.” I held back from adding, “And please don’t let me know if you find him.”

I may get nothing. I may have to split the check with my ex husband. Or, I may get back just a little bit of what was stolen from me.

Not bad for a trip to the mailbox.

But weird.

Goodbye past. I’m sticking with the present.