Act Fast

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My online course, Thriving After Divorce, is available until February 9th for only $9.99.

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“Slow and clear dialouge along with visual reminders. Good practical and thought provoking advice.”

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    • Transform Sadness
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    • Utilize Anger
    • Resolve Rumination
    • Cultivate Gratitude

Every ending contains the seed of a new beginning. I’ll help you learn how to let it grow.

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Six Ways We Hurt the Ones We Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex husband used to tell me, “I’ll never hurt you.” I knew it was bullshit. After all, the ones we love are also positioned to hurt us the most, even when it’s unintentional. Yet even though I knew his statement was wrong, I chose to believe him. Because I wanted it to be true.

In contrast, my now-husband will occasionally say, “I will hurt you. And you will hurt me.” I don’t necessarily like to hear it (after all, it’s not what I want to be true), but he’s right.

At some point, in every relationship, we hurt – and are hurt by – the ones we love.

Yet all those hurts are not the same. This is definitely one of those cases where the intention behind the act matters as much as – or even more than – the magnitude of the emotional injury.

1 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Inadvertently

We get careless. Speaking without thinking and making hurtful comments we don’t really mean. Often, we know we’ve stepped over the line as soon as our voice leaves our mouth. And apologies – and regret – soon follow.

This type of hurt is especially prevalent when people are busy, preoccupied or tired. We can try to mitigate it by taking a few moments to decompress from work before entering the home or being careful about topics broached when stress is high. Regardless, as long as we’re human, this sort of accidentally trespass will happen. Apologize, acknowledge the hurt feelings and move on.

2 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Unconsciously

Sometimes we forget that we don’t know everything about the people we love. And sometimes we say or do something hurtful without knowing that it is a tender area.

These are distressing missteps for both parties; one feels badly for the accidental wounding and the other is tending to the wound. At the same time, these can also be healing transgressions, as they provide an opportunity for increased vulnerability and openness.

3 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Cautiously

There are times when getting our own needs met mean hurting someone else in the process. This is deliberate harm, meaning that it is conscious and premeditated, yet it is also compassionate harm because the impact on the other is considered and buffered as much as possible.

Sometimes, hurting others in the short term is both necessary and kind for them in the long run. This is true for everything from administering a childhood vaccination to asking for a divorce in a lifeless marriage. Step carefully and with kindness, but make the needed cuts.

4 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Selfishly

When you hurt someone without regard for their feelings, it is different than the previous method. It’s selfish to act without regard for others when your wants crash against theirs.

This is often the type of hurt that arises from cheating. One partner is feeling unappreciated or ignored and so they seek to meet their desires without considering the pain that it will cause their spouse. Often, they will perform creative cognitive contortions to evade facing the reality of what they’re doing to their partner. In the worst cases, the selfish person then attempts to cover their initial harm with lying, manipulating and/or gaslighting. Jerks.


5 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Instinctively

We know what we have learned. And for those that have been raised in homes where any attention is good attention and abuse becomes muddled with love, they may hurt others from a place of unconscious reflex.

This is a tragic hurt as the contagion of unacknowledged trauma carries forth like a virus, infecting the next in line. And the only way to stop its spread is to face its origin and learn how to neutralize its power.

The hurt that radiates outwards from addicts, often leveling those around them, fall into this category. Yes, their actions are selfish, but they are operating at an instinctual level in an attempt to meet their needs.

6 – We Hurt the Ones We Love Intentionally

It’s difficult to accept that this is even possible. How can you love someone and yet seek to hurt them at the same time? Yet it is not so unusual for us to simultaneously possess such diametrically opposed – yet intense – emotions.

For some, it may come from an innate cruelty or disorder, abuse in its most ruthless form. For others, it is a much less harmful, using love testing in an attempt to alleviate their own anxiety.

Hurting the ones we love is inevitable. Yet it is within our power to limit the harm and to take responsibility when it does happen. And when we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to consider what may be behind the words or actions that caused pain.


What We Gain From Reading Fiction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Its a “snow day” in the ATL today. That means that the temperatures may dip below freezing and the cold rain may solidify into ice or snow. In an an abundance of caution (and probably a fear of a cluster this close to the Super Bowl), the local schools have all decided to implement Online Learning Days.

Since my internal alarm clock still woke me up at 4:00 am and my students will likely not begin their online assignments until later this evening, I’ve been granted the much-needed gift of some unexpected time this morning.

I walked the dogs, wrote some quizzes, did my taxes and went to the gym. But my inbox for work was still silent. So I picked up my Kindle, took a trip to the virtual library and spent the last few hours reading a fictional narrative.

The writing was unremarkable. The characters somewhat unlikable. And the story was somehow confusing and tedious at the same time. (I guess that the library gets runs on ebooks just like the grocery store runs out of milk and eggs during a storm).

But even though the book wasn’t great, the experience was. Because reading fiction has benefits that we often fail to recognize.

Fiction Allows for Distance and Distraction

When we’re sad or anxious or just generally unhappy with our current circumstances, it’s natural to seek escape. Some escapes are certainly healthier and more effective than others.

Surrendering your mind to a story is a wonderful way to give it some rest from whatever is troubling it. Because books demand our attention, they are often more immersive than video or other more passive means of mental escape.

Books allow a free (or cheap) vacation with no packing, no preparation and no TSA lines. The trip away can occupy you for a few minutes or several hours. And as with any holiday, you often find yourself restored upon your return to normal life.

Fiction Provides a New Perspective

Most of us live a relatively homogenous life. We live near people that are like us. Then, we go to work alongside those with similar values and goals. On the weekends, we watch the same shows and visit the same shops. So even when we talk to others, it can sometimes feel as though we’re conversing with a reflection.

Fiction provides a break from the monotony and offers the gift of novelty and a fresh set of eyes. You get to experience what Earth is like from Mars or what it’s like to be a strapping man if you’re a diminutive woman. You’re able to experience new worlds, myriad narrators and countless motivations and backstories.

Once the book is set down, the experience of a different perspective often stays with you, allowing you to be more flexible and open in how you perceive things.

Fiction Encourages Empathy

At the start of this school year, we used a study of the book, Wonder, to anchor our social and emotional wellness lessons. My 6th graders still struggle to identify and analyze their own responses to situations, but they could easily put themselves in Auggie’s shoes and discuss how he might be feeling.

Because so much fiction is written from a first-person perspective, it truly gives us the opportunity to occupy the shoes – and thoughts – of somebody else. It’s much harder to judge somebody’s actions when you’re also privy to their internal world.

When you read a lot of fiction, it primes your brain to ask questions about people you encounter in the world before you jump to conclusions about what is behind their actions.

Fiction Subtly Inspires

So many “self-help” style books can come across as critical and preachy. They have a way of declaring that you’re doing it all wrong while the one doling out advice has advantages that the rest of us mere mortals can only dream of. That tone can be a turn-off as the advice falls on deaf ears and the inspiration rings flat.

Fiction is different. Instead of whopping you upside the head with some positive and trite message, it slowly and surreptitiously makes it way into your consciousness. As a result, you don’t rally your defenses. And you just might close the book feeling inspired by the messages woven explicitly throughout the text or the whispered encouragement from the character’s actions.

Fiction Ignites Curiosity

I’ve long held the belief that we should all strive to respond to the world with more curiosity and kindness. Narratives are crafted to make us ask questions. We are driven to turn the page by a desire to know what will happen next. Perhaps we form a conclusion before it’s revealed, but we always hold the door open to possibly being wrong.

Fiction creates wonder. It prompts us to ask, “What if?” Books may take the form of boxes, but they are limitless in their reach once they’re opened.


Fiction Speaks of Broad Stroke Truths

When I was going through my divorce, I read lots of fiction. Lots of dumb fiction since my brain was still sputtering. Yet even though the selections were far from literary masterpieces, the basic storylines all spoke of life truths for all – love, loss, transformation, redemption and overcoming obstacles.

It doesn’t matter if the story is about werewolves or Civil War soldiers, these broad stroke truths are the heart of every tale because they’re the heart of every life. And sometimes it’s good to reminded of that. That no matter the setting, we’re not alone in our experiences.

Are you aware of the power in YOUR story?

Freedom of Information

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a rough week.

I keep telling myself that things will settle down.

Yet those things never seem to get the message.

I’m usually the strong one. But right now, I’m feeling pretty weak. And all pretense of strong disappeared Friday night. Earlier that day, we had a lockdown drill at school. Our school doesn’t believe in doing the hyper-realistic drills that bring in fake shooters and try to replicate the chaos of the real situation.

But that doesn’t mean that drills are easy. Far from it. Usually, I’m able to build some distance between the discussions I have to have with the students and my own emotional reactions to the reality we live in. I guess my current state of overwhelm meant that those walls were pretty flimsy.

Because later that night, at home with my husband, I suddenly broken down when the show we were watching had a scene with excessive gunfire. Normally, fictional violence doesn’t phase me. But I guess I’m not normal right now, because I ended up crying and shaking under the covers.

As is often the case with emotional eruptions, it was about much more than just the one thing that eventually triggered it. My husband and I spent Friday night talking through some options. And I’ve spent some time this weekend researching possibilities, communicating my needs and finding some hard numbers.

I still don’t have an answer to my current overwhelm, but I feel so much better now that I have data and an outline of options. I no longer feel as trapped and just having some possible plans explored gives me some breathing room.

It can be scary sometimes to face the hard facts. But there is freedom in information. Just knowing that you have options makes the current one feel less like a trap and more like a choice.

Notes From a Mid-Winter’s Day

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Facebook Memories sent me this photo today.

The photo was of our new-at-the-time pup. I was just starting out on a walk with him, enjoying the warmth of the sun and my my increasing comfort with his response to training. Life the pulled one of its 180’s, and we were at the vet hours later with a broken leg that needed emergency surgery.

The next month was rough. I took the night shift, sleeping on the sofa and stumbling out into the dark while trying to carry my dog’s back end. My husband took the day shift, adding stress to his job while he tried to balance client’s needs with the dog’s. So that cute little Facebook picture brought back memories of a pretty rough time.

Fast forward a year and the leg is completely healed. We welcomed a new addition about a month ago and after the inevitable learning curves (for everybody) with the addition of a new family member, we’re settling into a new routine. Only this one with a lot more mud (how is it that doubling the number of dogs somehow quadruples the amount of dirt???).

The informal pit bull boot camp we ran over winter break is paying off. Emma, the new adoptee, is in better shape, both physically and in her training. It had its interesting moments, especially because her older brother is the kid who ends up sobbing with a simple, “I’m disappointed in you” and Emma is the one who says, “That’s all you got?” when you ground her for a week. It was a good reminder that sometimes you have to modify your approach even as you keep your goal.

Speaking of goal-setting… The school year is at that strange point where we’re living in two years – living in the second semester of this year while simultaneously planning and preparing for next year. I always struggle with this, especially because I have a hard enough time as it is staying in the moment.

I’m hoping that I can simplify my work load some next year. I hate feeling like I can’t be the best teacher possible because I’m pulled too many directions. I always have professional goals each school year where I focus on areas of instruction that I want to improve. My goals this year are smaller in scope than usual. Of course, maybe that’s okay. I know that I have a tendency to put more on myself than I need to.

I’ve been doing a little better than I was at the beginning of the school year at taking care of myself. I finally reinstated my habit of a daily gratitude journal. I had it set to send me a reminder at 7:00 every morning. At that point, I’m already at work and I always found something “better” that needed doing. So now, I pause in my car in the parking lot at work and I don’t open my door until I have listed three things in my gratitude app. Linking these two things seems to have done the trick.

I’ve also been able to get some “smiles” on the calendar. I’m heading to San Antonio for a long weekend in February for some time with my mom and (weather permitting) Mexican food on outdoor patios. In May, my husband and I are planning on going to a heavy metal music festival over a weekend in Florida. I’ve never been to this type of music festival. I’ll definitely have to pace myself, since I always end up with whiplash from a single concert. I’m really looking forward to it, however, because I find that heavy metal is one of the few ways that I can forget that I am apparently a grown-up with grown-up responsibilities. A weekend with nothing to do but hand out at the beach during the day and lose my voice screaming along with my favorite bands at sounds sounds amazing.

Then, this summer, I plan to go to Latvia (I know, right?!?) to visit a friend and explore the surrounding area. I’m a little nervous about navigating foreign airports alone, but the excitement of seeing a whole new area of the world more than makes up for it. I still feel guilty for spending money (thanks to my ex husband), but damn, it feels good to finally be at the point where I have the option.

Speaking of progress, these “ten years ago” pictures that have been going around have really made me reflect upon my last decade. I haven’t shared any pictures, but there’s one that keeps coming to mind. Ten years ago this summer is when my ex left and my life imploded. Two weeks after his exit text, my mom and I were in the state where he was arrested for bigamy. There’s picture of me with the officer that arrested and questioned my husband. I hadn’t brushed my hair or eaten in two weeks. I was weak-looking, but I had a smile because I was hoping that I would soon have some answers and some justice. Little did I know how elusive they would prove to be.

My pictures now definitely show the aging process. If left to its own devices, my hair would be fully salt-and-pepper now. My face, which was slow to age, has now begun to wrinkle as the skin becomes a little thinner. I’m at a healthy weight, yet the weight room cannot defeat gravity and certain areas have started to settle. And the beginning of middle-age check-ups and tests is a reality now.

The changes are not only physical. I have a tendency to be a little more in my head now, a little more cautious. Yet, at the same time, I’ve tackled things I never would have braced before and I’m proud of that. I also like the wisdom and compassion I’ve gained in the last decade. Those were hard-won. Like with any time span, it’s had its share of smiles and tears, successes and defeats, additions and losses. And the good thing about aging is that it becomes a little easier to accept each of those in turn.

For today, I’m enjoying a day off work with a morning hot yoga class and endless mugs of tea. Oh, and plenty of puppy snuggles. Sounds like a perfect way to spend a mid-winter’s day. I hope you’re enjoying yours.