My ex husband has visited me the past several nights.
Not in person, thank goodness, but in my dreams.
When I awoke from the first one, I found myself strangely calm and more than a little perplexed. I was surprised for a couple reasons. I’m nearing the tenth anniversary of the day the marriage died and I have not had a dream about my ex husband in the last nine of those years. So it was more than a little weird to “see” him now.
I was even more astonished at my lack of emotional residue after awakening. Because the last time he visited my dreams, I woke up feeling physically ill and emotionally traumatized. Not to mention completely repulsed at his image imprinted on my brain.
But these recent dreams have been different. In them, he approaches me calmly. Like a normal human would, no longer wearing the monstrous skin he donned when he vacated the marriage. And I respond to his advance like a normal human. No shaking, no emotional tsunamis, no reaction at all really.
There are no words exchanged in the dream that I have been able to recall. And the only touch that I remember was his hand on my shoulder in that way that you do when you’re trying to provide comfort to a relative stranger. Which I guess we are.
I wonder why he is appearing in my dreams now after being absent for so long? Perhaps the significance of a decade apart is tugging at my brain? Or maybe the resolution I’ve had in my waking life for some time is finally settling in to my unconscious brain?
But there’s another explanation that I like the best. It’s silly, really. Not based in scientific reality in the slightest. Yet it somehow feels right. Maybe, just maybe, he’s coming to me now as a kind of peace offering, a sign that he’s in a good place and ready to both acknowledge and learn from the past. These visits are his energetic way of honoring what we once were to each other and offering a blessing to where we are now.
Silly? Yes. But I still accept the peace offering. Even if it’s only in my own head.
I became conditioned to be afraid of the mail. And the ringing phone. Even email had the ability to send my stomach plummeting down towards my feet. Because each intrusion had the potential of bringing new information about my ex husband to light.
In retrospect, the pattern was quite clear:
Stage 1 – Status Quo of Healing
Doing okay despite the major upheaval of my life. Possess a sense of confidence that I was going to be okay and that this tsunami divorce was not going to remain the defining factor of my existence. Feeling like I could handle whatever emotions my mind decided to deliver.
Stage 2 – Body Slammed
“Who was I kidding? I’m far from okay,” I would think as I learned some tidbit of new information from the external world. It could be anything from a blog post from the other wife mentioning a sweet gesture to a bill from the utility company in his name. Instantly, I travelled back to the shock and dread of the initial discovery, my mind convincing me that this new information changed something vital about my ability to heal and move on.
Stage 3 – Processing and Assimilating
After obsessively turning over the new information in my mind for several days, it began to feel less foreign and less threatening. Often, I discovered that it wasn’t really new after all, only another piece of data simply confirming what I already knew. Finally, I would file this recently learned fact alongside its brethren and start to find a sense of status quo again.
Well, that is, until the next piece of new information dropped unannounced into my lap. At which time, the cycle would begin all over again.
Healing is not linear. As new information comes to light, we have to mourn, accept and adjust all over again.
It is completely normal to experience setbacks in healing after divorce when you receive new information. Each discovery pierces the newly-formed healing skin and threatens to bring new blood to the surface. It’s a new pain upon a known wound.
Be patient with yourself and your reactions around these events. You may seem to be overreacting, but that is because you are responding to so much more than simply this one piece of information. You’re struggling to process an entire pile of garbage and the addition of one more piece can feel overwhelming and ominous.
Whenever possible, limit your exposure to new information while you’re still feeling raw. You may be curious to know what your ex is up to, but you’re often better off remaining in the dark. Set boundaries, both digital and with people in your life, to filter what information makes it through to you.
Finally, give it time. In the beginning, every new piece of data is like shot coal burning you as you take it in. In time, the coals turn to ash, still not palatable, but no longer so painful or damaging. Additionally, your confidence grows with each new exposure as you learn to trust in your ability to handle it.
And that’s what it really comes down to. We fear new information because we worry that we can’t deal with its reality. Then, we struggle with the knowledge because it feels so heavy and oppressive. Once we learn how to take only the parts we need and to discard the rest, we can remain calm and confident no matter what new information comes our way.
You can’t consume any media now without facing an onslaught of outrage. Short, punchy headlines are designed to elicit emotion and disapproval at the same time they encourage commenting and sharing. It leaves us feeling both righteous and soiled as we pounce upon the latest to be publicly shamed.
Outrage is all around us and, as a result of its ubiquity, we may be unaware of its unintended side effects.
Promotes the Creation and Curation of a False Identity
It’s tempting to believe that an internet witch-hunt can only happen to “bad” people. But much like the namesake condemnation in Salem, anything and anyone can become fodder for the masses. It’s a culture where we’re encouraged to be “real,” but only if real has mass-market appeal and refrains from anything too challenging or deep.
As a result, especially for those in the public eye, there is a growing temptation to put forth a scrubbed and sanitized facade. To avoid possible rebuke by pretending to be without fault. Because when perfection is expected but not attainable, the only alternative remaining is to fake it.
And this hurts more than just the one behind the mask. It means that we all are seeking something false, an Instagrammed staged and filtered existence with no misspoken words and no thoughtless actions. A false front means that we don’t really get to know the people that we select to lead us nor the celebrities that we attempt to emulate.
Encourages People to Cover Up Their Mistakes
Knowledge comes from listening, yet wisdom only comes from living. And living inevitably means making mistakes. The best people own up to their errors, learn from them and then take it a step further and use that knowledge to help others.
So what happens when mistakes are not acceptable?
It’s not good.
It takes courage to admit to making a mistake in the best of circumstances. And when you face complete and utter annihilation from both acquaintances and strangers? It becomes close to impossible.
Outrage culture doesn’t leave much space for learning from mistakes. It often confuses the poor action with the person and tags them both for the garbage pile without any chance for a conversation.
As a result, missteps are seen as inherently shameful, something to hide. And as I learned from watching my ex husband, as soon as you begin to hide away the more dishonorable parts of yourself, you inevitably help them grow in the dark.
Provides a False Sense of Action
When you point out somebody’s wrongdoing, it can feel purposeful. Good, even. It provides a sense of doing something, taking action.
But what are you actually changing?
Not much, I’m afraid.
Real change is much harder. Way messier. Takes quite a bit more time and effort. And often requires listening on both sides.
Outrage keeps us distracted on a treadmill going nowhere. We stand in accidental unity, thrown together by the latest scandal, and busy our fingers calling out the bad person de jour.
When maybe what we need is to slow down and take the time to consider the story behind the meme and the issue behind the soundbite. Because then, and only then, we will have enough information to take steps towards meaningful action.
Focuses on the Punishment, Not the Solution
Outrage culture encourages punishment, swift and total. Victory is declared when the offending person is not only silenced, but hamstrung from ever stepping out again.
And then, as surely as a game of Whack-a-Mole, another one rises to take their place. Because as anyone with a wily puppy knows, punishment is only a temporary deterrent.
That’s not to say that consequences should be avoided. After all, you can ground your teenager at the same time you put forth the effort to understand and address the larger issues that contributed to their misbehavior. It simply means that punishment is not the solution in itself.
Outrage can be an important emotion. It highlights behaviors that go against the agreed-upon norms for society and it spreads voraciously so that others can join the cause. Yet outrage is best kept as the ignition, not the fuel for the long haul.
When you discover that you have been cheated on, your mind immediately begins spinning with questions – “How could they do this?” “Why is this happening to me?” “Am I ever going to be okay again?”
Those questions are completely understandable. After all, the person who trusted the most has betrayed you, ripping the well-loved rug of your life from beneath your un-cushioned feet. You’re lost. Confused. Sad and angry. And probably more than a little frightened.
Nothing makes sense as normalacy has been bathed in pain, the betrayal permeating every fiber of your being. The answers that you once seemed so sure of have been replaced with questions. The certainties shoved aside for the great unknowns.
While you’re in this maelstrom fueled by the realization that you have been cheated on, ask yourself the following questions to find some clarity and to begin to regain your footing.
Am I still breathing?
Since you’re able to read, I am going to go ahead and assume that the answer is, “Yes.”
Now, are you breathing deeply? I wager not. Right now, I want you to take a deep breath, all the way down to the bottom recesses of your lungs. Pull it in and sigh it out of your open mouth. Try it again. Maybe even a third time. Do you feel just a little bit of that panicked tightness release?
The discovery of betrayal may not place us in physical danger, but it definitely qualifies as a threat to your life. As a result, your body responds by sending out fight or flight signals. And one of the first things to suffer is the breath.
It becomes a vicious cycle – stress tells your body to breathe shallowly and rapidly and shallow breathing tells your body that it is stressed. Since you can’t undo the stress caused by the infidelity, work instead to interrupt the cycle by controlling the breath. Several times a day, ask yourself the question, “Am I breathing?” And then make the answer, “Yes!”
Is there a person or place that helps me feel a sense of safety or security right now?
After I learned of my husband’s double life, I purchased a super-soft and fuzzy throw. I found my safe space within its comforting folds. Whenever the world began to feel overwhelming, I wrapped myself inside of it, a cocooning caterpillar dreaming of better days.
Do you have something similar in your life right now? A place, a person or even a silly object that makes you feel grounded and helps you believe that maybe the entire world hasn’t gone all topsy-turvy? When we’re spinning out of control, it helps to have something to hold onto.
What has been taken from me?
This question may seem easy to answer at first. In fact, I bet the answers will practically burst from your mouth. Release them. Let them go.
And then explore what’s underneath that initial purge. Those losses are often much more subtle, more nuanced than the major ones we see at first. Yet they are still important. Being cheated on is a death, a theft and a swindle all in one. There’s quite a bit there to uncover.
And underlying all of it is that it occurred without your consent or complicity. Of all that was taken from you, perhaps you discover that your agency was the biggest loss.
What do I wish my spouse could understand?
Because they don’t understand, do they? If they did, they wouldn’t have been been able to do what they did.
Unfortunately, even as science has allowed us to peer into the brain to begin to understand its inner workings, we have yet to develop a way to transfer our feelings to another. So we have to resort to words and gestures.
So, what do you wish they knew? What feelings are you experiencing that you want them to comprehend?
If you’re talking with your partner, you can share these. If you’re not, it can still be helpful to release them in writing, even if left unsent. Whichever route you take, be aware of the limitations of your words. You can share them, yet you cannot control how they are received. Speak and then be willing to listen, even if the only response you get is your own thoughts about the words released on paper.
Why do I think my spouse might have made this choice?
The initial reaction to a discovery of cheating is often – and rightfully – anger. The cheater is painted as a villain. One-dimensional, completely selfish and manipulative.
And I’m not denying that those traits are often present. Yet that’s rarely the entire picture. After all, if that’s who they are, why did you marry them in the first place.
Take a step back. And another. Try to look at the bigger picture, not as a betrayed spouse, but as a detective. What factors, either environmental or behavioral, might have contributed to them making this horrific decision?
These contributing factors are not an excuse for the behavior – that was a choice. However, understanding what may have led up to this can help you release some of the anger. Not for the cheater’s benefit, but for yours.
What if it’s not about me?
I know I initially saw my husband’s actions as a direct assault on me. He was the arrow and I was the target brutally pierced by his betrayals. And then I asked myself this very question.
And the answer that came to me was powerful indeed. I realized that his myriad deceptions and despicable choices were all about him – his pain, his cowardice, his inability to deal with his issues. I just happened to be in the way.
Am I allowing my partner’s words or actions to define me?
Betrayal rarely comes without some sort of gaslighting or emotional abuse. Are you permitting your cheating partner’s words to or about you to take up residence in your mind? Are you taking the blame for their actions? Or, are you letting them convince you that you are not enough?
Now that this has happened, what could my partner do to make it better?
This is a telling answer. If you respond with, “Nothing,” then it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. If your partner is forthcoming, remorseful and working towards change, you may a different answer.
Either way, there are limits to what your spouse can do. They cannot wipe your memory clean. Nor can they instantly restore trust and security. They can help you bandage the wound, but ultimately healing is up to you.
What insight does learning that I’ve been cheated on give me into myself?
I know. This is a big ask.
I’ll share my own insight to help give you some ideas.
My own parents divorced when I was a child and my dad moved across the country. He never actually abandoned me – there was an open line of communication and the child support was always on time. Yet, once my husband left, I realized that I harbored a fear of abandonment that traced back to my parent’s divorce.
That fear made me shy away from confrontation with my husband. It allowed him to easily manipulate me into believing what I wanted to be true. I certainly didn’t cause my husband’s cheating, but I didn’t allow myself to see it coming either.
Since the betrayal, I’ve found my confidence. My fearlessness. My fight. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned because I know that I’m enough on my own.
So how about you? What have you learned about yourself now that you have been cheated on?
What do I want to do now? Do I have to make a decision immediately?
When you find out you’ve been cheated on, it’s common to want to make big sweeping changes. To run away from the entire situation and pretend that it was all a terrible dream.
Yet, as you’re probably aware, your thinking isn’t very clear right now. Your rational brain may feel like it has vacated the premises and has been replaced by some primal and instinctual beast.
Identify those actions that need to happen now and allow the others to wait until your brain is fully operational again.
Who do I have in my life that you can talk to without concern of judgment?
Betrayal is weird. The ones who do it often seem unscathed. And those that are its victims often carry the shame, enhanced by the judgment of others (“What did you do to make them cheat?” is the scathing undercurrent in many exchanges).
When you’re processing the aftermath of being cheated on, you need people in your corner. People who will listen without undue criticism and will not shy away from unpolished emotion.
What areas of my life have been relatively untouched by the betrayal?
Betrayal – and divorce if that’s in your cards – have an impressive way of impacting seemingly every area of your life. Even those regions that are on the surface, completely unrelated.
But look deeper. Do you have anything in your life that is still unchanged? A hobby? An interest? An acquaintance at work that doesn’t know about your situation?
I bet you do.
Make note of these. They are a precious reminder that there is still life in you now and that there will be life again when this is all over.
What warning signs of cheating are only visible to me in hindsight?
Now that you’ve been cheated on, do you know what signs to look for?
I bet you do.
Some signs can be quite subtle, can’t they? And then there’s the part that nobody tells you about – the internal (and often subconscious) bargaining and flat-out denial about what you’re seeing.
I think that’s the biggest lesson from the clarity of hindsight. If cheating is happening, there will be no head in the sand again.
How does this impact how I view relationships?
Once you’ve been cheated on, you lose some of your innocence around relationships. Examine your feelings. Are you painting all men or women with the brush tainted by your cheating spouse? Or, are you swearing off relationships altogether?
Being cheated on will change you. Make sure you remain aware of those alterations and that you steer them in healthy directions over time.
Because that’s the biggest question to ask yourself –
How am I going to not let this pain define the rest of my life?
We’ve all heard it so much that it has become trite – “You have to love yourself before someone else can love you.” There’s truth in that statement because when we look for love outside of ourselves before we’ve found it within, we’re likely to end up in one of the following relationships:
Accepting Mistreatment
This is perhaps the most tragic result of a lack of self-worth. When you don’t see yourself as worthy, you’ll put up with a lot of abuse and neglect because you believe that is what you are worth.
This pattern is self-perpetuating. The abuser needs you to believe that you are less-than so that they can continue their threats and mistreatment. Their negative words join those that already reside inside your head, creating a cacophony of self-hate.
Perhaps this pattern is anchored in childhood or maybe it became learned during adulthood. Regardless of its origin, the first step in breaking out of an abusive relationship is believing that you deserve better. Because you absolutely do. The way they are treating you says more about their demons than you’re worth. Never forget that.
Tolerating a Controlling Partner
Some partners fall short of abusive, but they seek to unduly influence others because of their own fears of being rejected or abandoned. When your sense of self is low, it’s easier to accept this power imbalance because you doubt your own contributions.
When you don’t believe that your words matter, it’s hard to speak up. If you constantly downplay your ideas, you’re leaving a void for someone else to fill. When you allow someone else to make decisions for you, you’re communicating that they have more value than you.
Not all relationships that come from a place of lacking self-love are abusive or controlling. Sometimes, the damaging patterns are much more subtle and may even be mistaken for a positive trait.
When you struggle to love yourself, you are holding onto a fear that others will not love or accept you. Often, this fear manifests in desperate – and often unhealthy – attempts to make others like you or to make yourself indispensable to them. These actions can serve to keep people in your life, but you’ll always wonder if they love you, or merely what you can do for them.
The same actions have an entirely different feeling when you’re doing them from a place of service or generosity instead of fear. Practice separating who you are from what you do. Put safeguards in place to ensure that you’re not giving more of yourself than you can afford. And make sure that when you’re trying to please others, that you place yourself on that list too.
Afraid to Leave Yet Not Happy Staying
Are you staying with the wrong person because you’re afraid of never finding someone else that will love you? When you harbor a belief that you’re lucky to have found someone that thinks you’re worth their time, you become paralyzed within that relationship, afraid to leap because you’re convinced that there is nothing else for you.
When you’re struggling to love yourself, the thought of being by yourself is terrifying. After all, who wants to spend every day alone with somebody they don’t like? As a result, you may elect to stay with someone…anyone to avoid being alone.
Make learning to accept yourself your number one priority. Learn to be okay – or even happy – in short stints by yourself. Slowly increase the duration until you start to believe that you are enough all on your own. You don’t need anyone else to complete you because you’re already whole.
It Starts Here…
We all want to feel loved and accepted. When we don’t feel that way towards ourselves, we often attempt to seek it from an external source, believing that we will be okay once somebody loves us. The problem with this belief is that it has it backwards – Love from another doesn’t make you accept your own worth. Your own worth attracts love from another.
The first step to finding a healthy relationship with another is creating a healthy relationship with yourself.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 