6 Unique Ways to Use Journaling For Divorce Recovery

Posted on by stilllearning2b
recovery

The need for me was primal.

My mind was overfull of questioning and virulent thoughts. At first, I tried to hold them in, but their toxic and tenacious nature burned further holes into my heart. They weren’t meant for public consumption, yet I knew I had to find some way to purge them from my  mind and from my body.

The first journal entry was ugly. The hateful and hurting words screamed so loudly through the pen that they pierced several pages and imprinted through a dozen more. The pages were further marred by the endless tears that smeared the ink as soon as it was laid down. The resulting effect was as brutish and incomprehensible as the end of my marriage.

Finally spent, I allowed the pen to drop to the floor as I reassumed the familiar fetal position in the corner of my bed. In some ways, I felt a little better. It reminded me of the hole drilled into my childhood fingernail, crushed by a falling piece of lumber, to allow the pressure from the trapped fluid to release.

But much like that passage through the nail was only one part of the healing process, simply unleashing the ugly thoughts onto the paper was only part of the divorce recovery exercise.

If I was going to make it through, I was going to have to try something different.

Here are six unique and innovative ways that you can use journaling as part of your divorce recovery process.

I promise none of them require the use of a drill:)

1) The Three-Part Journal

For this journal, begin by locating a three-part spiral notebook or create a file on your technology that has three distinct sections. You can write as often as you like for as long as you like. There is only one guideline – whenever you write, start in the first section and finish in the third.

The first section is all about the past. This is where you purge the pain, letting it all out on the page without censorship or judgment. Don’t think too much about what you’re writing, simply let it flow.

The middle portion is about the present. Use this space to explore the issues that are currently troubling you. Unlike the first section, which is all emotion, this is a time to try to bring some rational thought and problem solving into the practice. This portion easily lends itself to lists and bullet points. Along with breaking down issues, you can also use this area to express gratitude for what you are currently thankful for in your life.

The final subdivision is about the future, your hopes, and dreams. This part is driven by statements that begin with, “I want…” or, “I wish…” Don’t worry if they are not yet feasible or even practical; this is simply about starting to think about what you want. You can also use this space to collect images and quotes that resonate with you.

By moving through these sections in order, you are helping to train your brain how to process the negative emotions. Furthermore, ending on a hopeful note keeps the journaling process from becoming one big sob session and helps to prime the brain towards optimism.

2) The Revise and Edit Journal

This journaling strategy is especially effective if you’re stuck in a negative personal narrative, as it helps you to more carefully choose words and supportive statements to express what you want. Additionally, by rereading your words, you help to remove some of the power that they hold over you.

In this type of journal, you begin by simply writing anywhere from a few sentences to a few pages. It can be a free-writing exercise, from whatever is on your mind, or it can be in response to a writing prompt. The initial writing should be more instinctual, without concern for word choice or clarity.

Then, read what you have written, paying special attention to how certain words or phrases make you feel. Revise the sentences to make them less emotional and/or more empowering. For example, the sentence, “I’m so depressed” can be instead written as, “I’m feeling sad right now.” They have a very similar meaning, but the latter feels less heavy and less permanent.

You can also rewrite your sentences to take them out of the first person and into the third person, replacing every “I” with either the appropriate pronouns or your name. It doesn’t change the circumstances, but it can help you find a little more space within the pain.

3) The 60-Second Journal

This journal option is great if you feel like you would benefit from the practice, but you just can’t seem to make yourself do it. The low barrier-to-entry makes this a perfect choice if your motivation or energy is low.

The key to this journal is consistency. You have to commit to writing every day. But only for sixty seconds. Decide on a time and place that you will associate with writing. Set reminders. And then just write for one minute. When the sixty seconds are over, you can stop or you can elect to continue.

Some days you will likely struggle to complete the minimum. Other days, the words may continue to flow. Regardless, you are establishing a habit and giving thoughts an opportunity to be explored.

4) The Fiction From Fact Journal

Are you feeling stuck? If so, this strategy may be a good fit for you. Begin by jotting down a few facts about your current situation. Mine could have been, “Abandoned. Betrayed. Family court sucks. Scared about money.”

Then, get creative. Pretend that this is an assignment in a writing class and you’ve been tasked with creating a story out of these facts. Begin by deciding on a genre. Do you want to spin this into a comedy? Or maybe embrace the drama and go for a soap opera?

Deciding on the conflict in the story will probably be the easy part. Now, think about the resolution. Does your ex-husband get hit by a chicken truck and now has feathers permanently embedded in his skin? Or maybe the ex-wife entered Survivor and the producers forgot to remove her from the remote island. At the same time, maybe you invent some nifty gadget that reduces commute times and retire rich and early.

This journal can help you be silly and find the humor in your current situation. It’s also a reminder that you never know what is coming up in the next chapter.

5) The Gratitude Journal

This is the most straightforward and probably best known of the strategies, yet it can also be one of the more difficult to implement during divorce. Because, let’s face it, it’s hard to find things to be thankful about when you’re in the middle of divorce.

The premise here is simple – write what you are thankful for and only what you are thankful for. To be most effective, make at least one entry every day, no matter how small and inconsequential. You slept through the night? Awesome! You found an extra bag of coffee in the pantry after you thought you had run out? Time to celebrate!

There are several gratitude journal apps available. This is a great option because you not only have the reminder to write, but you also have an easy-to-access register of all that is beautiful in your life.

6) The Letter Writing Journal

The strategies here are perhaps the most difficult to implement, both because of the needed suspension of disbelief and the intense emotions that can arise. However, the effects can be extremely powerful, especially if you feel as though you have not been able to find closure or understanding with your former spouse.

In this journal, every entry takes the form of a letter (or email), left unsent. Write to your ex, expressing your pain and disappointment and anger. Write to your children, sharing your fears and your dreams. Write to your younger self, giving advice and motivation.

And then turn the tables. Write the letter you want to receive from your ex. Think about what sentiments would bring you some peace and then pen them yourself. I know, it sounds strange and forced and awkward. But go with it. The power in this letter lies more in the reading of it than in its creation. Sometimes simply receiving the message we need is more important than worrying about where the message comes from.

No matter the form your journaling takes, the act of putting pen to paper gives a sense of power and potential in your life. It’s your story; you can choose to write your happy ending.

And if you’re still unsure about journaling, here are twelve reasons that it’s awesome post-divorce.

And…here’s a peek into my post-divorce journal. It’s raw. And it’s real.

Cheating: The Grass Isn’t Greener

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Been Cheated On? 8 Infuriating Excuses You Can Expect to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You discovered that your partner cheated.

Whether they decided to come clean or were caught in the act, there are certain excuses that cheaters tend to utter. These overarching phrases have a tendency to try to pass off blame and in doing so raise the ire of the betrayed spouse. Here’s what you’re likely to hear and the important truths that may be hiding behind the words.

“It was an accident.”

This excuse is especially infuriating because it implies that you’re a fool at the same time it completely brushes off any responsibility of the cheating parties. It also confuses intent with action. Even if the decision was not carefully premeditated, there were still plenty of opportunities to make a better choice before the clothes came off.

What it may mean… “I never thought I would cheat. I don’t see myself as a cheater. In some ways, that made me more vulnerable to the bad decision because I didn’t think that it could happen to me.”

“But I still love you.”

Sometimes this is uttered in an attempt to retain a hold on the marriage, either exclusively or in addition to the affair partner. Other times, it’s delivered as part of a “smoothing over” campaign, trying to limit the fallout from the affair. Sometimes the cheater honestly seems to believe that love fixes all. Including betrayal.

What it may mean… “I do love you. But I’m realizing that love is a lot harder than I expected. I’m afraid of losing you and I’m also afraid of being honest with you (or myself). But more than anything, I’m afraid of being alone.”

“What did you expect? After all, you…”

This excuse places the blame for the affair solely on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. They may be painted as controlling, out of shape or overly focused on the kids or work. This is a devious excuse because there is often an element of truth in their chosen words. However, marital problems warrant a conversation, not an affair.

What it may mean… “I’ve never learned to accept responsibility. From my grades in school to my behavior in relationships, I always pass things off as somebody else’s fault. I don’t know how to admit to messing up.”

“You should have known it was going on.”

Again, the blame is shifted to the partner, only this time because of their trusting nature. Cheaters have a way of thinking that everybody behaves like them. Therefore, it’s your fault that you weren’t suspicious enough. Of course, this excuse conveniently ignores the fact that it’s too late by the time there is something to discover.

What it may mean… “Part of me wanted to get caught. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing, but I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

This is a strange one to hear. On the one hand, it can be comforting to learn that (supposedly) there was no meaningful connection with the affair partner, that it was a meaningless fling. On the other hand, it’s hard to swallow that trust was destroyed for something that lacked significance.

What it may mean… “I don’t want to hurt or anger you any more than I already have. I’m not sure what it all means yet. I’m confused about how I feel.”

“If you were more open-minded…”

Cheaters have a propensity towards selfishness, putting their desires above the wants and needs of others. This excuse is an after-the-fact rewriting of the marital vows that again shifts the culpability to the betrayed partner.

What it may mean… “I’m not sure if traditional monogamy works for me. I’m interested in exploring other options but I’m not yet comfortable or brave enough to have that conversation.”

“I needed to feel appreciated/desired/understood.”

This is one of those excuses that is worth listening to in order to extract the truth within. Not feeling appreciated and desired is a common reason for an affair, the new attention filling the experienced void. Of course, this deficit is only compounded with an affair. A conversation is a much better place to start.

What it may mean… “I’m hurting. I don’t feel like I’m important to you or wanted by you. When the affair partner expressed such desire for me, I felt alive and full for the first time in a long time.”

“It won’t happen again.”

And maybe it won’t. The words here are unimportant; it’s the actions that matter. Has all contact been cut off? Have the reasons for the infidelity been explored? Has responsibility been accepted? If these things haven’t happened, then this is truly an excuse and better ignored.

What it may mean… “At this moment, I don’t plan on ever doing it again. But I also feel weak. Powerless. I’ll try to do better.”

The words spoken by somebody caught cheating are usually a combination of projection (accusing you of what they’re doing), reflection (looking at the reasons for their choices) and misdirection (trying to pass off blame).

For the betrayed, find comfort in the fact that most of their words are about trying to make themselves feel better. Try not to take it too personally. On the other hand, an affair is a wake up call. Make sure you listen to what it’s telling you about your marriage and about how you respond in relationships.

And at the end of the day, accept responsibility for your part but refuse to take the blame for theirs.

And for a positive spin on a totally sucky situation –

Separating Facts From Stories

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There are the facts. And then there are the stories we weave from the facts.

Fact: My ex-husband had an affair with a woman he met on a business trip. He married her three months after they met and abandoned me with a text message.

Story: There must be something wrong with me for my husband to fall so quickly for another woman. She must have something that I don’t. I’m not even worthy of a conversation, that’s how inconsequential I am. If the man that professed his love to me for sixteen years and pledged his commitment could leave me so easily, any other man would obviously do the same. If I was unworthy before, I’m broken now. There’s no way that I will ever be able to recover from this damage.

It starts with the facts – sometimes harsh, but bare. Often devoid of any motivations or intentions. And then our brains industriously fill in the details, weaving stories that surround and connect the facts.

The problem is that once we tell ourselves these stories, we become unable to separate them from the facts. And so we begin to believe the words we tell ourselves. The words that are often anchored in insecurities, fears and trauma.

Sometimes, we even take it a step further and assimilate these stories as a core truth of about ourselves. We confuse what happened to us with who we are, applying labels with superglue and operating under those assumptions.

What stories are you telling yourself?

Take a few moments and consciously examine the stories you tell yourself. What are the facts and what are your interpretations and speculations about the facts? What if some of your conclusions are incorrect? Could there be another way to view these same facts?

The facts are irrefutable. The stories are what we create.

When we become too wed to a story, we become stuck within a singular narrative. Change your story and your life will follow.

Related:

Edit Your Personal Narrative

Your Story Matters

9 Years Ago Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been long enough now that it feels like an entirely other lifetime. I struggle to bring the image of my ex-husband to mind (not that I have any reason to try). Yet, even now, there are certain flashes of memory, of sensation, that are ingrained in my body.

Nine years ago today contains many of those flashes.

Nine years ago today, I awoke afraid of seeing the man who had abandoned me eight months before. And when he passed me in the courthouse hall, I didn’t even recognize him.

Nine years ago today, I was ready for the divorce I never wanted from the man I thought I knew.

Nine years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with. A man I once considered my best friend. We never made eye contact.

Nine years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none. After sixteen years, he was truly a stranger to me.

Nine years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine. Hoping that the judge saw through his lies and would not fall sway to him charms. She didn’t, even asking my husband’s attorney if he was “psycho.” The lawyer could only shrug.

Nine years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that it was all over. It was a relief and yet the finality was jarring.

Nine years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden. I believed I couldn’t begin to heal until his malignancy had been removed.

Nine years ago today, I laughed when I learned he hadn’t paid his attorney. I had warned the man my husband was a con. Maybe he believed me now.

Nine years ago today, I held tightly to that decree, still believing that its declarations had power. I felt relief that he would have to pay back some of what he stole from the marriage. The relief was short lived.

Nine years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman. Steps I never expected to take. The first few were shaky. But I soon started to find my stride.

Nine years ago today, I sat around a restaurant table with friends and my mother. A table that had held my husband and I countless times over our marriage. We celebrated the end of the marriage that night. I had celebrated my anniversary there the year before.

Nine years ago today, I read my husband’s other wife’s blog for the last time, curious if she would mention anything about the court date. She did not. I erased the URL from my history. It no longer mattered.

Nine years ago today, I sealed the piles of paperwork from the divorce and the criminal proceedings into a large plastic tub. As the lid clicked in place, I felt like I was securing all of that anguish in my past.

Nine years ago today, I started to wean myself off of the medication that allowed me to sleep and eat through the ordeal. I was thankful it had been there, but I no longer wanted the help.

Nine years ago today, I fell asleep dreaming of hope for the future rather than experiencing nightmares of the past.

And now, nine years on, I could not be happier with where I am.

Not because of the divorce.

But because losing everything made me thankful for everything.

Because being blind made me learn how to see.

Because being vulnerable created new friendships and bonds.

Because the effort of rebuilding made me appreciate every step.

Because being destroyed made me defiantly want to succeed.

And because losing love made me determined to find it again.

I am happier than I’ve ever been.

And I could not be where I am without nine years ago today.