Loneliness After Divorce
Guest Post: The Best Relationship You’ll Ever Have
By Adriana Verdad
You Should Date Yourself
After failed attempts at dating, and developing feelings for someone who had none for me, I decided I really should try dating myself. Yes, I’d read about it, multiple times, on the internet, in your typical articles geared towards single women. Honestly, at first I thought it sounded super cheesy, and I even had a friend tell me that it was really cheesy, and maybe calling it “dating yourself” is. I’m not going to feed you some crap about how it’s not cheesy at all. It’s wonderfully cheesy. It’s as cheesy as The Notebook, the notion that someday some man will show up to take me on a surprise picnic, or the fact that after all I have been through, I still truly believe in true love. I embrace the cheesy, and I make zero apologies for it.
So, when I first decided to date myself, I thought of what it would look like. I thought of what types of dates I would go on with someone I was dating in the traditional sense: movies, dinners, drinks, coffees, picnics, festivals around town, the art museum, etc. I decided these types of things would work, but I also thought maybe I should see what other ideas were out there, and so yes, I turned to Google and Pinterest. I thought why not think outside the box, so I let others think outside the box for me, at first. I created a whole list on my phone of different types of date ideas, and I will share some of them with you in future posts.
I was more organized about this dating time I carved out for myself at first, clearly marking it down in my daily to do lists as a date with me. I protected this time, and rarely went outside of it, unless of course, a better opportunity came along, like an outing with my girlfriends, or a an actual (very rare) date popped up, or if I had a chance to hookup with someone, but in general these times were sacred to me, and I like that I was so protective of that time at first. It’s when the kids are at their father’s house of course, but I don’t really refer to it as dating myself , although it is. It’s akin to when you’re dating another person, and you settle into such a comfortable routine, that you don’t think so much about it anymore. Like at first, you are so worried about you wear, look like, or what you are going to plan at first, but you slide into a routine, a comfortable routine, with one another. I started to make it less organized, but I still definitely date myself. Now, it’s a Friday night of Netflix, or a Saturday full of reading on my sofa under a big cozy blanket. It might be a Sunday afternoon where I get cute, and take myself to the Art Museum to check out an exhibit I’ve been eyeing, or even my Tuesday night running club, that’s a date with me. I’ve spent a couple hours listening to my favorite music and coloring mandalas. I rarely cancel with myself if I don’t have to. Sometimes, I will go out to a bar, and people watch as I enjoy a couple new beers, or I will stay home and give myself a spa night. The point is, I make it a part of my regular routine. Let’s call it what it really is, self-care.
Just like you would devote time to a relationship that’s important to you, this is how I approach dating myself. The truth is, the relationship we have with ourselves, is far more important than any other. While, I’ll quickly tell you that my children are the most important people in my world, and they are, the reality is that if I don’t take good care of myself, then I’m not at my best to be there for them. This goes for your friendships, your romantic relationships, and even your career too. Dating myself will be something that I will never stop doing until I’m dead.
As I discussed in my last post about how being single has ensured that I will be a better future partner, time and space for yourself, and your partner, are essential to being at your best for one another. So yes, my future partner will have to realize that I need regular time to me. I am more than understanding that they will need time to themselves as well, and I not only highly encourage it, I think that they need it to be at their personal best. I know that when I’m in a relationship, I won’t be able to take a date by myself three times a week, but yes, I will most definitely be taking time out for myself to do things that excite my soul. I think once a week, or every couple weeks, is a good goal if you’re in a relationship, but I am saying that you should make it a priority. It’s called self-care, and it’s so important to helping you be the best lover and friend you can possibly be.
As I’ve said previously, I lost myself in my relationship/marriage, and I forgot who I was. I forgot about the things that brought me joy, put me into a state of flow, like reading and writing. I think that this was incredibly unhealthy for myself, my children, and my marriage. Here’s the deal- your relationship with your kids is significant, and your relationship with your partner will be there, and need to be whole, once the kids have grown up, and moved out, but in the end, you are what you really need. Let’s face it, kids will grow up, and won’t visit as much, spouses pass away, or move on sometimes, but you will always have you as long as you’re alive. While we certainly must give, nourish, and support our children, partners, family, and friends, even our colleagues, we cannot give to everyone else if we are not at our best.
Dating yourself, or if that phrase bothers you, self-care, or just calling it taking time for yourself, is important to keep your cup from overflowing with stress. So, please tell me in the comments below about how you’ve taken time for yourself this past week, or if you didn’t, how you plan to do it this upcoming week. I hope you will take literally one minute to fill in your email address and name below, and follow my blog so you can continue to learn to love the other side of life- whether that’s as a single person, or just loving the other side of your life, as in, the second half of it. Please share this with someone who could use a little encouragement, or validation, in the area of self-care. Thank you!
About Adriana Verdad:
I spent over two decades with a narcissistic sociopath, but after leaving him, I have found myself. I’m learning to love life on the other side of marriage, love, and life. I write so that I can help others learn to love the other side as well.
Check out Adriana’a blog, Love the Other Side!
You Can Be Right or You Can Be Married
When it comes to marriage, the opposite of “right” isn’t “wrong.” It’s “happy.”
Because when we’re too focused on being right within a marriage, we’re losing focus on what’s really important:
– reaching shared goals, even when you differ on the choice of the path to get there
-managing overlapping lives
-and, perhaps most importantly, constantly learning from and encouraging each other.
You can be right or you can take this opportunity to learn about a different perspective.
I had to laugh when my friend’s husband complained to me that my friend doesn’t load the dishwasher the “right” way. “I didn’t realize there was a universally agreed upon correct method,” I joked.
And that’s true in many areas, not just dishwashers. There may be strategies that are more efficient. Or more effective. Or easier. Or more familiar. That doesn’t necessarily mean that one is more “right” than the others. They’re just different ways of looking at the same thing.
I love the famous parable about the elephant and the six blind men. Each one, feeling a different region of the animal, reaches a different conclusion. “It’s a snake!,” exclaims the man running his hands along the trunk. “No, it’s a rug!” insists the one running the hair on the tip of the tail through his hands.
One elephant. Six men. And six different – and equally valid – conclusions.
So often the things we disagree about within a marriage fall into this category where there really is no right and wrong, simply different ways of looking at things. And so when we fixate on proving that our way is best, we pass by an opportunity to learn how to see something differently. And that something includes our spouse.
It’s strange how learning that our partner has a different view from us can be threatening. But it can. We all-too-easily begin to believe that they feel the same way about things as we do and it can be a little disorienting when we learn that they have a different perspective. And sometimes, a little shake-up is a good thing:)
You can be right or you can focus on solving the problem.
Most of the time, you and your spouse are on the same side. You both want a good environment to raise a happy and healthy family. You both want to make sure that you have financial stability and that you can purchase the things you need. You want time together and also time to maximize your own potential.
Yet when problems arise, it’s easy to take sides, you on one side of the ring and your spouse on the other. When your focus shifts to proving that you’re right (or proving that your partner is wrong), you forget about the expanse of the agreed-upon area between you, instead focusing only on the differences.
When you need to be right, the other person by default has to be wrong. There is a winner. And there is a loser. And perhaps the marriage is the biggest loser of all when you forget the magic that happens when you realize that you’re on the same side. Even when you disagree.
Put your energy on solving the problem. Not on disproving your partner.
You can be right or you can allow your spouse to prove your expectations wrong.
Have you ever had a full-on conversation with your spouse about something, only the entirety of the dialog took place within your head? *Sheepishly raises hand*
I know for me, when I finally do have that conversation for real, the actual words coming from my husband’s mouth are usually much more supportive than the imagined ones. Yet, and this has unfortunately happened, if I’ve already convinced myself that my conclusions are right, it’s hard for me to actually hear the words he’s saying.
It’s tricky with spouses. They have a track record. And so we think we know how they’re going to respond before we give them a chance to.
Sometimes, we neglect to have the hard conversations because we believe we already know the answers and so the exercise seems futile. Yet doesn’t it make more sense to ask your spouse the questions and give them enough respect to provide space for their answers.
You can be right or you can admit that sometimes you’re wrong.
It’s not easy to admit when we’re wrong. The ego sees this as a personal attack and any insecurities like to act like school-yard bullies (“You’re so stupid! You’re so stupid!). This is especially true when admitting the wrong threatens our view of ourselves (For example, as a math teacher, I would be more threatened by an error in my mathematical reasoning than I would be by my ignorance about the location of a particular country).
It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to change your stance on something as you have gained more wisdom and experience. When we admit we’re wrong, we’re making space to learn how to do better. How to be better. When we hold too tightly to the need to be right, we’re ultimately holding ourselves back from being the best we can be.
You can be right or you can be married.
This phrase is often used to imply that in order to remain married, you have to constantly bite your tongue. But that’s no recipe for a happy marriage. When you hold back on saying the important things, resentment and distance grows.
Instead, what we can take from the phrase is this – there are things that are more important to a marriage than being right.
It is more important to act as a team.
It is more important to listen teach other with an open mind.
It is more important to treat each other with respect, even when you disagree.
It is more important to focus on the shared goals than the details.
And if it’s important to you to stay married, sometimes you’re going to have to let go of being right.
What to Say (and NOT to Say) to Someone Going Through Divorce
You have just learned that someone in your life is going through divorce and you want to know what you should say to them. Or, you’re facing divorce and you’re wondering why your friends and family seem intent on saying things that only make you feel worse.
With divorce, as in any major loss and transition, it’s difficult to know what to say. For those on the outside, they often want to offer support and comfort, yet surprise and a lack of awareness may lead to the proverbial foot in the mouth. And for those on the other side, heightened emotions and a life in flux may result in taking even the most innocuous statement as an intentional barb.
So this is a primer for both sides – for those going through divorce and for those in their lives.
What to Say, What NOT to Say and How to Respond
Don’t Say – “I know just how you feel.”
This is such a common response whenever somebody is dealing with something difficult. It almost always comes from a good place, a place of empathy and wanting to let the person know that they’re not alone. Yet we never understand exactly how somebody else is feeling. Even if the circumstances are identical, their own past and reactions will greatly impact how they respond.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I’ve been through similar. If you ever want to hear about what helped me, please let me know. “
This phrase lets them know that they’re not alone, both in the experience and in dealing with it. It communicates that there is common ground, but stops short of making assumptions.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Accept this phrase in the spirit in which it was intended. They are wanting to reach out and they are putting themselves back in the place when something similar happened to them.
Don’t Say – “I get it. My partner never puts the dishes in the dishwasher and it drives me crazy.”
I seriously doubt that a messy kitchen is the reason for the divorce. Yes, those small domestic squabbles can be really annoying and you may have woken up to socks hanging off the cabinets and so you’re feeling especially irrupted with your spouse right now. But still comparing those daily struggles with divorce is minimizing and dismissive. Please complain to someone else right now.
Maybe Say This Instead – “This must be hard for you. I am sorry that this is something that you’re facing.”
If you can’t relate to the magnitude of a divorce, it’s okay. You don’t have to have been there in order to acknowledge that this is something difficult.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Set boundaries. If you have people in your life that are using you to complain about their minor relationship issues, it’s okay to tell them that you cannot be the recipient of that right now. If they continue, limit your exposure until you’re in a better place.
Don’t Say – “I feel like a single parent because my spouse travels so much.”
I get it. Being a parent when your partner is always on the road, or at work or just absent in general is HARD. Hell, parenting no matter what is hard. But here’s the thing, you and your children are still a cohesive unit, even if it’s one whose operation is largely commanded by you. After divorce, there is grieving for the impact on the children and fear as to how everything will work out.
Maybe Say This Instead – “Being a single parent is hard. Let me know if you need help with transportation or just need somehow to bounce a decision off of.”
You’re acknowledging the challenge without participating in the comparison olympics. And even better, you’re suggesting some possible solutions to some of the difficulty.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
I know that these two situations are not the same thing, but try to see some of the similarities (because there are some). This person may be a good resource for you to help you navigate this new way of parenting and they may be a good companion on spouseless kid-friendly outings.
Don’t Say – “I would never divorce; I believe in working things out.”
That’s awesome. I admire that you’re not a quitter and that you’re not afraid of hard work. However, the reality is that many – if not most – of us that got divorced felt that same way at some point. Yet either we were given no choice or that became the best choice out of a sea of less-than-ideal options.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I know that this had to be a difficult decision.”
Trust that they are making the best choice for themselves and that they are not acting impulsively. If you’re not sure who initiated the divorce, a simple, “This sounds hard,” may be better.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Divorce is often a major fear for anyone who is married, so your split may be a trigger for those around you. “I would never” is often code for, “That is my biggest fear and so I need to pretend that I have control over it.” Remember that what they are saying is more a reflection on them than a criticism of you.
Don’t Say – “Divorce is a sin”
This may be a core belief for you and so you’re truly concerned about their well-being and relationship with God. Yet you’re also not their spiritual advisor. There are basically two possibilities here – either they do not see divorce as a sin or it is against their beliefs and so this decision (which may indeed have been a life-or-death one) was made after many prayers and much reflection.
Maybe Say This Instead – “Do you have somebody to talk to? A counselor? A pastor?”
Questions and support will always be received better than judgment.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Take a deep breath. Remember that your relationship with God is your business and have faith that you are doing the right thing for you.
Don’t Say – “You’re destroying your kids.”
Trust me, they are already feeling immense guilt for what this is doing to the kids. They don’t need your voice amplifying that. And it’s also not that simple. If there was abuse, divorce is clearly the preferable option for the kids. Even without abuse, kids often do better with two happy-yet-separate parents than two that are always fighting under the same roof.
Maybe Say This Instead – “How are the kids doing?”
This communicates that you’re thinking about the kids and also gives you a chance to see if any help is needed to ease the transition. Instead of shaming the parent for the divorce, maybe try to be another trusted adult that can help support the kids through this.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
They care about your kids. That’s pretty awesome. However, you also don’t have to listen to shaming and judgmental comments like that. It’s okay to say, “I’d appreciate it if you refrained from commenting on my parenting choices. I’ll reach out to you if I’m looking for ideas or advice.”
Don’t Say – “I never liked your spouse anyway.”
That may be true. Their ex may have been as awful as a Marvel villain from day one. But that’s not your conversation to initiate. Because even if they were awful, the person in front of you was in love with them at one time. Be considerate of that.
Maybe Say This Instead – “How are you doing with your ex right now?
This gives them to chance to let you know if they’re still in love, researching revenge fantasies or navigating a serviceable coparenting relationship.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
The more you communicate your needs, the more you’ll help those who want to support you and yourself. If you want companionship on the ex-bashing bus, say so. If you’re working hard to paint your ex in the best light possible, speak up. You can’t get mad at people for saying the wrong thing if you haven’t let them know what’s right.
Don’t Say – “What happened? Did they cheat? Did you cheat?”
I know you’re curious. Yet let the person dealing with the divorce decide how much they divulge and when they release that information. They may be trying to preserve their ex’s image for the sake of the kids or they may be ashamed of something that happened (or didn’t happen) behind closed doors.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I’m here for you when/if you want to talk.”
This is perhaps the best thing we can say to somebody who is dealing with any kind of thought situation. Be there and be willing to listen.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
You get to control the story. You decide what you’re comfortable sharing – and with whom. You don’t have to answer the questions that you’re asked.
Don’t Say – “Oh, you’ll bounce back in no time”
I know that you WANT them to be okay. You believe in their spirit and tenacity and you have faith that they will get through this. But right now, they feel like their world is ending. Hold space for that.
Maybe Say This Instead – “You’re strong. You WILL make it through this. And I’ll be here for you.”
You’re reminding them that this is the end of a chapter, not the end of their life. And you’re also not implying that this will be easy. Finally, you’re reminding them that they’re not alone as they navigate the divorce.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
You WILL make it through. Maybe not bouncing – at least not yet. But you WILL cross that finish line after divorce. Even if you’re crawling.
Podcast With Mandy Walker – How to Fall Out of Love
Mandy and I have been in the same divorce-advice circles for years, but this was the first time we had a chance to speak. It was a great conversation that I think will give people who are struggling to let go of love some practical tips on what they can do.
You can listen to the podcast here or you can read the synopsis of our conversation over on Mandy’s site, Since My Divorce.
Hope you enjoy!
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 