Guest Post: How to End an Unhealthy Long-Distance Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No matter how hard you try, sometimes it’s best to end a long-distance relationship. Whether you’re dating the type of guy who will just never succeed in a long-distance relationship or you’ve started to notice the telltale signs that that it’s an unhealthy relationship — your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries around texting, there is a lot of digital monitoring, you feel pressure to send explicit photos, they make excuses for their hurtful behavior — it might be time to end your LDR.

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And no surprise, ending a long-distance relationship is a little more difficult than ending a close-distance relationship. Because you aren’t together all the time, it can sometimes be too easy to put off having the difficult conversation. But if you just keep waiting, your feelings might turn from unhappiness to frustration, anger and resentment. Don’t let your feelings fester. Here are four ways to end an unhealthy long-distance relationship.

 

Understand Your Feelings

Before you communicate with your long-distance partner, you need to really understand why it’s time to break up. When I need to process information, I always find it helpful to make lists. Grab a notebook, and jot down all of the reasons that you’re unhappy in the relationship. Make sure you communicate that distance isn’t the only problem. What is your partner doing that makes you want to break up with them?

 

If any of those things change, would you be willing to reconsider? Instead of breaking up, should you actually be having a conversation about how to resolve your frustrations? If you are certain that this is what you want to do, don’t back down.

 

Consider Breaking Up in Person

One of the red flags in a long-distance relationship is that you aren’t making an effort to see each other anymore, so this might not be possible. If you do have plans to see each other soon, it’s usually best to break up in person. However, don’t save the breakup for a vacation or a long trip. The honeymoon feelings are more likely to resurface if you’re on a beach in paradise, and you might lose your resolve to do what you know is right. Instead, consider having the conversation in a neutral space, such as a city park.

 

When you initiate the conversation, just get it over with. Don’t sugarcoat it. Just say: “We need to talk. This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Be blunt while also being respectful. Then spell out the reasons why you’re ending the relationship. Keep your explanations simple, and try to avoid an argument. Remember, this isn’t a deal or suggestion. Stand firm in your intentions.

 

Once you’ve said your peace, let your partner speak theirs. This will probably be difficult emotionally for both of you. Once you both feel there is closure, part ways.

 

Schedule a Skype Call

If you can’t break up in person, don’t do it over text or email! Not only can this seem as cold and callous, but also it doesn’t allow either of you to freely express your emotions or get the closure you deserve. The next best thing is breaking up over video chat so they can read your body language. Tell your partner you need to talk, and schedule a time to touch base. “We need to talk” will probably tip them off that you’re going to have a serious conversation about the viability of your relationship.

 

Again, don’t belabor the point. Just get it over with: “I wish I could do this in person, but I need to say what I feel: This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Just like if you were able to do it in person, explain your reasons for ending the relationship, and give your partner time to process it. It might take a while, but it’s best to stay on the line as long as it takes for you both to reach closure. When there is nothing more to say, hang up.

 

Move On

Now, this is the one time distance might make things easier. You won’t be running into your ex at the grocery store or at a bar on a Friday night. However, even if it was an unhealthy relationship, you might still miss certain things about them or the way they made you feel (on a good day). But it’s important to set clear boundaries. You made it clear this wasn’t up for discussion, so don’t confuse your partner by contacting them or responding to them if they reach out to you.

 

It’s time to focus on you! Enjoy your newfound freedom. Hang out with friends you haven’t seen in awhile because you’ve been sitting in front of Skype every Saturday night. Find a new hobby. Attend local events. Get involved in your community. If you see the breakup as a chance to become a better person, it’ll be easier to move on.

 

Now, if one “your” songs comes on the radio or you watch a sappy movie that makes you miss being in love, don’t relapse! It can be hard, but you need to remind yourself why you broke up with him. In fact, I would consider keeping that list of reasons you make of why you wanted to break up. Anytime you have doubts, remind yourself why it was time to end your unhealthy LDR and recommit to yourself.

 

Ending any relationship, especially a long-distance relationship, is tough. But don’t hold onto something that’s not working. With this new space in your life, take some time for yourself. Reboot and renew. And who knows, when you least expect it, you might just find the right person for you.

 

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Jennifer Craig is a long­-distance relationship success story. She started SurviveLDR for women who want to survive and thrive in long-distance relationships. For more advice on how to make long-distance relationships work, follow her on Instagram, like her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter.

 

What Are Your Marriage Deal Breakers?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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Brock asked me once if I would have given my first marriage a chance if my ex had come to me instead of disappearing.

“It depends,” was my response. By the time the end was imminent, there had been so many lies and so much betrayal that I don’t think we could have moved beyond it. But if had approached me earlier?

Maybe.

One of the reasons I married Brock was for his, “Hard work can fix anything” atittude. He’s not one to easily give up on anything. I like that. And for the most part, I share that attitude.

But I’ve also experienced enough to know that effort can’t fix everything. Especially if the effort is one-sided.

From Til Death Do You Part:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

There are certain dire situations where my reaction would be to immediately end a marriage instead of staying and working to fix it.

The following are my marriage deal breakers:

Reoccuring Infidelity or Infidelity Without Accepting Responsibility

I don’t believe that the occurance of infidelity should automatically result in a marital split. I have heard of so many cases where the crisis, once the underlying issues have been confronted and addressed, has made a couple closer in the end. Yet in order for the marriage to have a chance, the cheater has to take responsibility for their actions and make the necessary changes so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s hard work. It’s messy work. And it’s work that has do be undertaken by both spouses. If the infidelity became a pattern or the responsibility was shrugged off, I would walk.

Violence

The need to feel physically safe is a basic one. And in a relationship, a physical reaction to a disagreement or frustration is never okay. I can’t imagine ever feeling safe again (much less acttracted to) somebody who had struck me.

Maybe it was a one-time thing. An overreaction while being emotionally consumed. But that’s not a chance I would want to take.

Habitual Lying

Much like with infidelity, I don’t believe that a single (or occasional) lie is a reason to hire a lawyer. Even if it’s a major lie, I would try to understand the motivation behind the untruth before calling it quits. But if the lies overlapped like shingles on a roof keeping the truth out, my inclination towards sympathy would be erased. Once somebody has allowed lying and deceiving to be their way of interacting with the world, they have a hard time living in truth.

They may tell you they’ll stop lying. But history proves that’s a lie as well. I refuse to ever again live in a land of make believe that somebody is projecting for me. Especially if it involves my financial security!

Abandonment

It seems self-explanatory, doesn’t it? Yet I had people question my decision to divorce my ex – who disappeared, married somebody else and refused contact. I mean, really? I guess I can kind of see it if the marriage provides insurance benefits or something (I’ve met people where this is the case and they stay married for a long period of time in name only).

Even with the definitions of marriage changing, it still takes (at least) two to make it work. When one goes, it’s gone.

And then there’s the ones that may reach deal breaker status – addiction and mental illness.

After my ex left, I learned he had been struggling with both of these. And not handling either well. I don’t see addiction or mental illness as automatic deal breakers. In fact, I view them more as a time to increase effort (both in self-care and support for the spouse)  than calling it quits. Of course, in order for that to happen, the struggling partner has to be open enough to reveal their struggles. If it’s hidden, the combined efforts can’t happen.

These two issues can be devastating – both for the affected one and for the impacted loved ones. And that’s why it’s a murky area. If the addict or mentally ill person consistently refuses to get help and continually acts in ways that threaten the well-being of the family, there may come a time when distance is the best option for all involved.

 

So, back to Brock’s question – Would I have tried to work through the issues in my first marriage?

Yes, if he had come to me about his battle with depression and drinking before the lies overwhelmed our lives. Yes, if he was ready to accept responsbility for his actions and willing to accept help. Yes, if he was wanting to increase effort rather than run away. Yes, if we would have been fighting together for a shared goal.

But I refuse to fight alone.

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And so I chose a spouse the next time around that isn’t prone to those dealbreakers. That isn’t afraid of hard work. That doesn’t mind getting messy. That fights with me for our marriage.

And I’m glad that most stressors in a marriage are not of the deal breaking  variety.  I hope to never see those again.

Those are my marriage deal breakers. What are yours?

 

Guest Post: 9 Things You Must Give Up To Be Happy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I connected with Dave Scott on Twitter (@davecscott) a while back when he responded to a Tweet I sent about trying to overcome my fears of going down hills in order to try skiing for the first time. Dave’s enthusiasm for skiing was contagious and helped me have fun on the slopes (even while I was petrified). We’ve stayed in touch and have discovered that our messages are often complimentary. Here’s a piece from Dave for you –

9 Things You Must Give Up To Be Happy

Americans love their politics. I’m no exception.

I love political election seasons. I love watching the ridiculousness of presidential campaigns, the craziness of our countries delegate process, and I enjoy watching highlights of various political races from around the country.

And it’s important. Politics, I mean. It’s important because who we elect impacts the future of how our municipalities govern its citizens.

But politicians and our political process won’t make you happy. I am constantly surprised at how many people I know feel that government should help them by creating a false state of happiness.

Our nation’s political system was never derived from the need to satisfy someone lack of a fulfilling lifestyle.

And in this tumultuous season of presidential elections, I’m learning about the things I need to give up in order to be happy. (politics included)

So I created a list of 9 things that will make your life a lot easier, when you give up on them. These are things we typically cling to, concepts we feel should serve us because we embrace them. It’s time to let these things go and ultimately be stress free.

 

  1. No one likes a Cliff Clavin. (give up always being right)

I hate being wrong. When it happens, I feel foolish. I can’t stand the notion of not being right, and having this result impact my credibility. I’m sure you can relate. Often times we’ll even sacrifice relationships by attacking others just be right when it’s clear as crystal that we’re dead wrong. The feeling of always having to be right often times comes from pride and a sense of ego. To truly be happy, you need to give this up. Instead of having your coworkers label you as a ‘Cliff Clavin’ (which is not a compliment) set aside your pride and be willing to be wrong. (Cliff was always right, and never wrong) The outcome of this act is joy in the humility of the moment.

  1. Surrender. (give up your need for control)

In order to find happiness, you’re going to need to relinquish control of everything that was never in your control in the first place. It’s called surrender. Surrender is the act of giving up the need to control everything around you. To find joy in your circumstance, you need to learn how to give up controlling life and controlling people. It’s hard, I know. I tend to be a control freak with certain things, and choosing to allow others to freely work or live is difficult. Letting go of life, and trusting God with things is proving to be my biggest challenge. But when I do, I learn to freely live. When surrender happens, and when I choose to trust through surrender, I learn the valuable lesson of what it means to live intentionally. Psalm 118:8 says “It is better to take refuge in the Lord, than to trust in humans.” Learn to live without restriction and without control through the action of surrender.

  1. Give up on blame.

Quick story; I used to work with a person who’s only goal in our meetings was finding blame. This person was rarely about finding solutions, and more about who we can burn at the stake. It was stressful to work with them. Our team dreaded meetings with this person because their only goal was to find fault. (our team even began avoiding including them in decisions) In the book Difficult Conversations, the author says “blame inhibits our ability to learn what’s really causing the problem and to do anything meaningful to correct it. Blame is about judging and looks backward.”

Finding blame in a situation is not helpful. The goal should always be to find contribution. Contribution is about understanding and looks forward. If you have someone on your team, or in your life, who’s only aspiration is to tattoo someone because of some sort of failing, then maybe it’s time to get rid of them, or at very least keep them at arm’s length. There are a lot of gray areas in life, and life isn’t always black or white. That said, it’s not always 100% someone’s fault for every situation. Give up finding fault and blame, seek something more productive.

  1. Give up living a defeated lifestyle.

This is one I’ve struggled with until very recently. It’s one of the most dangerous mindsets to live in. Many people I meet struggle with a self-defeating attitude. And they’re only hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted mentality. The trick is to not let yourself believe everything your mind is telling you. We have so much more hope than what’s in our minds, and what’s on this earth. Our minds are incredible tools that are capable of awesome things like feats of ingenuity and amazing acts of inspiration. But our minds can also be our worst weapon against anything that’s good, righteous, and praiseworthy. Focus on these things, and avoid an ethos that robs you of being better than the sum of your thoughts.

  1. Stop complaining.

“Some of the happiest people in the world, go home smelling to high heaven at the end of each day.” – Morgan Freeman, Bruce Almighty.

Impoverished kids without shoes in Guatemala have the right to complain. Children in the Middle East that live in fear because of the constant threat of violent attacks from terrorist groups, have the right to complain. Those who are homeless, poor, or disabled, definitely have the right to complain.

The fact that you don’t get your McDonald’s happy meal in three and a half minutes is nothing to lose sleep over. The fact that your little Tommy or Tammy isn’t getting enough playing time on their hockey team, or soccer squad, doesn’t give you the right to lament about it. Nor do you have the right to criticize your boss or coworker for not choosing your idea over theirs. I hate labels, and I’m cautious of labeling perpetual complainers as narcissistic, but there’s truth to it. Most perpetual complainers are selfish and utterly miserable inside. Nobody can make you unhappy, and no circumstance can force you into a state of misery unless you let it. Give up your constant need to complain, and instead spend your energy on learning how to be grateful.

  1. Stop trying to impress others.

“I do the very best I know how, the very best I can, and I mean to keep on doing so until the end.” ― Abraham Lincoln

Don’t try to work to impress others. You’ll undoubtedly fail because you’re going to miss someone’s expectations, somewhere along the line. Stop trying to be something that you’re not just to make others like you, and ultimately impress them. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, and the moment you take off all your masks, is the moment you’ll be able to accept and embrace the real you.

  1. Give up on your fears.

Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t really exist. Fear isn’t even an emotion; rather it’s a false sense of being created in our minds. Fear is meant as a tool to be used by the devil himself to render us weak and useless. In the book, Outwitting the Devil, by Napoleon Hill, the author has a direct one on one conversation with the devil himself. In it, Hill uncovers that the devil’s two most powerful weapons to weaken and destroy humanity is fear and addiction. Fear because of the aforementioned, and addiction because it weakens the mind of independent thought. Give up on fear. And a fearless, independent thinker can accomplish awesome things.

  1. Give up on the past.

Recently I made a trip to Palm Beach Florida, with my wife. While there we met an awesome couple from New Jersey named Karen and George. They were enjoying life after a year of terrible tragedy. George was hit by a truck while crossing the street, and flipped over the vehicle that struck him. He could’ve been paralyzed, or even killed. The worst thing that happened to George: A snapped Achilles tendon and some skin grafts to help heal the ankle wound. Talking with them both was extremely inspiring. Despite their crappy accident, and the hassles they endured, they chose to give up on the past and are look forward to the future.

Giving up on the past is a hard task, especially when the past looks so much better than the present, while the future appears incredibly frightening. But you need to let it go. The past is a distant memory that will never change your current situation or help you overcome adversity that lie ahead. Learn from it, but seek to live in the moment you’re in now, and plan for the future. Stop punishing yourself with the what-if’s of the past and instead embrace the instant that you’re living in now, and be present in everything you do, while enjoying life.

  1. Give up on stuff.

This can be hard to grasp so let me explain.

If you have a garage or spare bedroom (or multiple spare bedrooms) resembling an episode from the hit television show Hoarders, I think it’s safe to say you have attachment issues. Being attached to stuff, to material possessions, means you’re trying to fill some sort of void in your life that’s most likely the result of an unmet need, or wound from your past.

When my family and I moved to Fargo from the suburbs of Minneapolis and St. Paul, less than a year ago, we got rid of a ton of stuff. (and we’re definitely not hoarders, so for us to get rid of a bunch was even more impressive) We got rid of stuff because we were downsizing into a two bedroom apartment, for a temporary period of time. In this moving experience, I realized that this life isn’t about me or stuff. It’s about people and relationships. It should be about connecting with others to share the good news, rather than what new toy I picked up on Craigslist.

I know too many people that have tons of stuff, like hunting gear, cars, jets-skis, houses, knick-knacks, and entire buildings of crap, that live a shallow existence. I can never seem to have a deep and meaningful conversation with them because their life is made up of inanimate objects rather than the ability to encourage others through something of substance.

There’s nothing wrong with having nice things, and living with the wealth of things, but the minute you choose things over people, equals a life of emptiness and void. The moment you detach yourself from these same things, you allow yourself to live at peace and in freedom. Free from the confines of possessions that tie you down.

What are some things you’ve given up to be happy? What’s been a driver of joy in your life?

 

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Dave Scott is blogger, writer, and marketer currently living in Fargo, North Dakota. Dave grew up in the Minneapolis and St. Paul area and is a father, husband, son, and lover of technology. Dave’s not an expert or a guru. He just thinks you’re awesome and want you to know that, too, by writing about topics that inspire and encourage others.

 

Compartmentilization: When to Build the Walls and When to Tear Them Down

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I ran over a turtle the other day.

God, even typing those words makes me feel ill. It was an accident, the turtle mixed in among the leaves on my driveway. As soon as I heard the terrible crunch, I knew what had to have happened. I said a blessing for the animal and expressed my sorrow as I dealt with the aftermath.

And it’s still haunting me. Even now, writing this, I’m crying.

This is a time where I wish that I was better at compartmentalizing. At building a closed-off drawer in my mind and safely tucking this incident in it.

There are times when it is necessary to wall off emotions or even entire situations. When you’re in a crisis that demands action, whether it be soldiers on a mission or a bystander administering the Heimlich, feelings and extraneous facts are a luxury that cannot be afforded. And even for longer-term mental health, there is often some “putting away” of thoughts and memories that needs to occur to avoid rumination and fixation.

And there are times when compartmentalizing is dangerous, when it is used as a denial tactic, allowing complacency in the face of wrong-doing. Addicts, sociopaths, narcissists and politicians (okay, so maybe that’s redundant:) )are all experts at creating uncrossable lines in their minds that permit them to behave egregiously without having to face much of the internal consequences. When building a mental barricade is effectively walling off the human side of a person.

So how can we tell when it’s healthy to compartmentalize and when it’s healthier to open the gates and face the facts or feelings?

It’s Time to Face It If…

  • You’re in denial because you’re afraid to face the reality. This would have characterized me during the end of my marriage; there were some things that felt wrong, but I pushed them away because I was afraid to face them. Here’s the thing with fear – the more you try to silence it, the louder it gets. If you confront it, you take away its power.
  • Your walling off of certain things is causing harm to self or others. An example of this would be addict who doesn’t want to hear about their actions while drunk or high because then they can pretend they didn’t happen. Even as their loved ones deal with the consequences.
  • The situation is ongoing and needs attention. If you pretend that it’s not occurring, you’re either shifting all of the responsibility to somebody else or allowing it to grow untethered. I see this sometimes with the parents of my students. The child is struggling in school and the parent is in denial of the issue and so isn’t on board with interventions to help.
  • You are avoiding thinking about it only because it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe it reveals an aspect of yourself that you would rather deny or highlights a mistake you made. But discomfort (different from pain) is often a sign that there’s something there that needs to be explored.

It’s Time to Compartmentalize If…

  • It’s a situation that demands immediate action and clarity of thought. This is the compartmentalization of first responders everywhere. When there is a crisis, tunnel vision is an asset and everything else can be pushed aside to deal with later. Do you want the person performing CPR on you to be busy processing the circumstances that caused your respiratory failure or do you want them focused only on giving you breath?
  • The circumstances are not your circus. This doesn’t mean that you cannot have empathy for others, but that you do not take on their burden as your own. I first learned this one while working in a pediatric oncology ward. And that was only one of the lessons those precious children taught me.
  • The difficult reality has been faced and the necessary lessons have been extracted. In that case, the leftovers are just a rotting shell that  can cause unneeded infection. Divorce often falls into this category. After you’ve dissected what went wrong, assumed responsibility for your role and found acceptance if not forgiveness, there is little benefit to be found in reliving the most painful parts. Put them away.
  • It’s old news that you cannot change. If it’s major enough to be of concern, it was probably major enough to change you somehow. And that’s okay. We are influenced by what happens to us, yet we don’t always need to hold onto what happens to us. This is child that faced abuse that now is an experienced marital artist. The abuse is over and done with. The coping strategies realized. There’s no reason to allow the abuse to occupy prime mental territory.

Unhealthy compartmentalizing is avoiding. Denial. It’s being weak and letting yourself be controlled.

Healthy compartmentalizing is prioritizing. Letting go. It’s being strong and deciding who and what you will allow to occupy your thoughts.

As for me, I’ve already laid that poor little turtle’s body to rest. I’m now trying to do the same with my thoughts. And I’ve made a vow to be extra careful surveying the driveway before driving in.

 

 

 

The Subjectivity of Time And Timelessness of Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I’ve known you since you were zero,” my husband said to my friend’s little girl, the same child whose family I lived with for that first year post-divorce.

I almost corrected him, saying that he had known her since she was one, but I held my tongue in recognition that the distinction wasn’t important.

It’s interesting, Brock consistently adds a year to the time we’ve been together. Right now, he claims a relationship of seven years. A claim that I know is incorrect because seven years ago, I was still a few weeks away from the tsunami that marked the end of my first marriage. It’s one of those dates that is firmly implanted and so it has become an easy reference point.

So it hasn’t been a seven year romance at this point, but it has been six. And that’s starting to feel like a substantial amount of time to me. I used to compare the duration of our relationship to my former one – “It’s only been two years, that’s a drop in the bucket compared to sixteen.”

But six isn’t a drop in the bucket. It’s enough time for the veneer of infatuation to wear off and for some habits to wear thin. It’s enough time to go through stuff and grow through stuff. It’s enough time to develop a shared history and to nurture shared goals. It’s enough time for vulnerability to be expressed and for even silly old me to develop trust.

So maybe his adding a year to our relationship just means that in his mind, love is timeless. That the number of years don’t matter nearly as much as the quality of those years.

I like that thought:)

Part of our growing together has been his work to understand how to help me when I get anxious and overwhelmed. I was feeling this way on Monday from the combination of upcoming varicose vein procedures on both legs (thanks genetics!), the stress of preparing for a new teaching position next year and the housework I put off until the summer.

And this is what I awoke to on Tuesday, posted in the order in which I complete my morning coffee routine:

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I smiled:)

And if he want to continue to add a year to our relationship, I’ll let him:)