Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating, I sought out boys that were the opposite of my father.  My logic went like this – my parents divorced, therefor my father didn’t make a good husband, so I would be better off avoiding guys that mirrored my dad.  And I soon fell in love with the man that would eventually become my husband.

It was only years later that I learned that by studiously avoiding certain characteristics. I inadvertently agreed upon other traits that were most decidedly unhealthy at best and criminal at worst. Traits that I was completely blind to at the time.

He was “Husband of the Year” to my face and a lying, cheating, stealing bigamist behind my back.

I’m not alone in giving my heart to someone who would ultimately be detrimental to me.

Why is it that even the most educated and emotionally intelligent people fall in love with people that are bad for them?

Habit– We all have a tendency to do what we have done. Mirror what we have seen. If you grew up in an abusive household, you are more likely to find yourself partnered to an abuser. If you were parented by an alcoholic, you will be drawn to the same. If you have a propensity for the lost boys, you will continue to blindly seek them out until you make an effort to break the habit. Overcoming a habit takes mindful attention; before you can change your patterns, you must become aware of your patterns.

Sunk Cost Fallacy– Just because you have put time and energy into nurturing a relationship, does not mean that the relationship should last. Sometimes, by the time the early infatuation has faded and we realize that somebody is a mistake for us, we feel like we have already invested too much into the relationship to bring it to an end.  This is often compounded by a reluctance to admit to ourselves or others that we chose poorly. It’s better to be embarrassed for a moment than treated poorly for a lifetime.

Are You Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Your Relationship?

Sliding In– You meet somebody. You’re attracted to them and you have a good time together. So you agree to a second date.  And then a third. Before you know it, you’ve moved in together after justifying that it makes sense to save on rent. And then marriage just seems like the next inevitable step, even if neither one of you have actually given it much thought. The person that made for a great first date may not necessarily be one that makes for a great partner.

Low Self – Esteem  – Maybe you feel like you’re not good enough and that you deserve someone who treats you poorly. Or you find your worth through helping others and so you’re drawn to those that need fixing or enabling. When our self-esteem is low, we inadvertently project it, attracting people that are also lacking in confidence or, even worse, pulling in people that prey upon the weak. A vicious cycle can begin where the person with low self-esteem is drawn to people that use manipulation and emotional abuse to further lower self-worth. How people treat you really does start with how you treat yourself. You must create a healthy relationship with yourself before you can entertain one with someone else.

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Feeling Lonely – The distress of being alone is one of the great universal human fears. And we will go to great lengths to avoid it. Even as far as getting with and staying with somebody that isn’t right for us with the belief that somebody is better than nobody. The great irony here is that feeling isolated and misunderstood within a relationship is infinitely more painful than actually being alone.

Potential – We often fall in love with a person’s potential rather than their reality. We see their inherent gifts and believe that if they simply made some basic changes, that they would be better. Both for them, and for us. Of course, the reality is that you can never change another person, only your response to them.

Are You in Love With the Person or With Their Potential?

Rationalize – Their behavior will change once we get married/have a child/change jobs/move to the new house. They may treat me badly sometimes, but they are a great parent/provider/respected community member. I know they’re not good for me, but I need to stay because I can’t be alone/handle my own finances/find anybody else. Consistently defending somebody’s behavior (whether your own or your partner’s) is a sign that something is amiss and you are not yet willing to face it.

How can we move on from the damaging relationships and learn to give our hearts to those who deserve it?

  1. Focus less on what made your former partner bad and more on why you were drawn to them.
  1. Look for patterns in your past relationships – are you replaying roles from your childhood or consistently picking the same kind of ill-suited partner?
  1. Are you putting up with consistently poor treatment? Work at setting and maintaining boundaries.
  1. Spend time with people who celebrate your gifts and cherish you as you are. Let their love help you develop your own sense of worth.
  1. Forgive yourself for the poor choices you have made. Rather than beat yourself up, strive to learn from your mistakes.
  1. Understand that just because you made a poor choice, you can still make better choices.

During my own divorce, I was able to reconnect with my father. And I discovered that he is an amazing man with many traits that I would love to have in a partner. And so the second time around, I sought out a husband that had those characteristics and who treats me well not only to my face, but also behind my back.  A man that challenges me to become better while celebrating my strengths. This time, I fell in love with somebody who is good for me.

And I have faith that you can do the same.

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheat

Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)

Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)

Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to cheat.)

Knowledge is power.

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

It’s hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I discovered my husband was having an affair. It was one part horror, one part punch to the gut and one part relief, because some of the things that didn’t make sense finally did.

And of course, one of the first questions to enter the screaming torment of my mind was, “Why did he cheat on me?” Followed shortly by the self-preserving thoughts of,

“But I was a supportive wife.”

“We talked about everything and never fought.”

“We had a great sex life.”

“He always said he loved me.”

I thought that affairs happened only in the absence of love. Of sex. Of emotional intimacy.

I was wrong.

Affairs can happen for many reasons. Here are the ones I encounter the most:

1 – The Bad Decision

This is the “it just happened” infidelity, although that excuse makes my skin crawl. This is the affair born of bad decisions that may or may not have other co-existing causes. There is no magic in a wedding band that suddenly causes all others of the opposite sex to be invisible. We all meet people that we find attractive and that awaken that little spark. But you always have a choice. Long before anything happens, you can make the decision to walk away. The earlier the better. The closer you get to a flame, the more difficult it becomes to leave without ignition occurring. You may get to a point where your body has the best of you, but you can choose to use your brain before then.

2 – The Need for Physical Connection

A marriage where the partners have different sexual needs is certainly a struggle. In this type of affair, one (or both) of the partners is craving more physical intimacy and they look outside the marriage to sate their appetites. Sometimes the affair is proceeded with a pronouncement about one partner’s dissatisfaction with the dead or dying bedroom. Other times, the lips are kept sealed about any discontent, leaving the non-straying spouse in the dark.

My frustration with this type (and the affair described below), is that so often the straying partner is helping to create the desert at home by turning his or her attentions away. This reason is also used as a fictitious excuse for infidelity and can even be created by the straying partner as a way for them to reconcile their decisions within their own mind. After all, it’s easy to claim a sexless marriage and difficult to refute unless you never close your blinds.

3 – The Need for Emotional Connection

Two has the potential to be lonelier than one can ever be. There is no worse feeling that being with someone and yet feeling invisible. Sometimes, people can change and grow apart. Other times, one spouse may feel completely abandoned by their partner. I often hear this complaint after the arrival of a child, when one spouse returns to school or when one person is overwhelmed with increased duties at work. The partner left behind may feel ignored, unappreciated or disrespected. And they slide into an affair with someone who helps to build them back up.

In this type of affair, the straying partner is seeking responsiveness and demonstrative affection from another. They describe their marriage as “dead” and want to feel alive, appreciated and understood.

4 – The Need for Approval

This is often the affair of the narcissist. They are typically brief and in succession, a new partner replacing the former before he or she gets to know too much. This straying partner is driven by the need to be idolized, which is a trademark of early romance that fades as time reveals more about the person.

5 – The Need for Stimulation

Affairs can be rewarding; there is a rush from the newness that is amplified by the necessary intrigue. Some people are wired to need more stimulation. These are your daredevils and stockbrokers. Others train themselves to need an increasing amount of stimulation, such as in the case of addiction. Their threshold for stimulation is set higher than a “normal” life can fulfill and so they are always seeking their next reward. After all, there is a documented connection between Twitter use and affairs.

6 – The Snipe Hunt for Happiness

I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way. Even those that they truly love.

Regardless of the reason for the infidelity, it comes down to this –

Having an affair is a choice.

And there are certain characteristics of those that are more likely to make that choice.

Cheaters are often selfish and lack empathy.They act without regard for consequences to others and fail to see the bigger picture.

Cheaters often shirk responsibility for their own wellbeing and are quick to lay blame.This leads them to demonize their spouse, idolize their affair partner and refuse to consider their own actions.

Cheaters may be impulsive and struggle with boundaries. And this may put them in situations where it’s difficult to not make bad decisions.

Cheaters may be manipulative. They gaslight their spouse while telling the affair partner that the spouse is awful.

Cheaters are pros at compartmentalization. They build walls between their actions and their self-image in order to avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.

Cheaters are often cowardly and afraid of confrontation. Rather than speak up with their spouse, they’d rather quietly step out.

Betrayal within in a marriage is some of the most acute pain you can feel as you face rejection by the one who promised to always hold you. By understanding what may have led to the affair (both in the marriage and in your spouse), you can begin to learn from the experience and eventually move on.

Refuse to let your partner’s actions determine your self worth. Because if you allow this to continue to hold you back, you’re ultimately cheating yourself.

 

Three Tricks to NOT Take it Personally

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Years ago, I was walking Tiger in the neighborhood when I had a rather unpleasant encounter. A woman was walking her two small dogs on the opposite side of the street. Her dogs, which couldn’t have been more than ten pounds apiece, pulled against their restraints, barking wildly, in a determined attempt to get to my hundred-pound pit bull. My dog, meanwhile, simply kept walking, maintaining his eyes on the street ahead.

“I can’t believe they allow pit bulls in this neighborhood,” the woman hissed towards me.

I was shaken that day. I kept wondering what this woman had against me or my well-behaved dog. I put it aside, but her words continued to resonate whenever I had Tiger out in public (which was often).

Just recently, I was walking Kazh, our new, smaller pit bull who is learning to be as well-behaved, when I again encountered this woman. This time, her small dogs were unleashed in her front yard and one sprinted towards Kazh, barking all the while. “Oh boy,” I thought. “Here we go.” I readied myself for Kazh’s response to the encroaching potential threat and the woman’s response to yet another pit bull allowed in the neighborhood.

Kazh sniffed curiously at the small, loud dog and immediately demonstrated that he simply wanted to continue his walk. I used him to attract the loose dog back to its yard, where the woman was able to scoop him up.

“What a beautiful dog,” she exclaimed, reaching down to pet Kazh.

As we talked, I learned that her adult daughter had once rescued a pit bull that she then surrendered to her parents. They tried, but were unable to train and integrate the dog into their home and finally had to make the difficult decision of finding it a new home.

During that conversation, I realized that when the woman had made the anti-pit bull comment, she was still dealing with the frustration and feelings of failure she experienced with her daughter’s dog.

Her comment had nothing at all to do with me, with Tiger or really even about pit bulls.

Her response was entirely borne from her own pain and defeat.

______

I know better. Yet I do it anyways.

When my husband is short-tempered, my first inclination is that I did something to cause his frustration.

When a student grumbles about something, I examine my lesson for reasons for the poor attitude.

When an internet stranger sends me a message informing me that my message is awful, I begin to question all of the work that I have done.

And when my first husband decided to abandon me in favor of another wife, I fixated on how he could do that to me.

In every case, I’m making the same cognitive error. I’m assigning causation where there is only correlation.

Inevitably, I discover that my husband had a rough day at work. I remember that I teach teenagers and they are contractually obligated not to express pleasure in anything their parents or teachers do for them. I recognize that people who read my writing or watch my videos are usually in great pain and sometimes they lash out at whoever is available. And I remind myself that my ex husband is a scum bucket (and also was experiencing his own crisis).

 

The reality is that somebody’s action or response always says more about them than it does about you.

 

When you take things personally, it muddies the emotional waters, stirring up the intensity of the feelings and making it difficult to proceed calmly and rationally.

The following are three easy tricks to help you remember to not take things personally:

 

1 – If it wasn’t you, would it still have happened anyway?

Maybe you’re struggling trying to come to terms with how your spouse could have cheated on you. Or you’re trying to calm down after a particularly nasty customer or client went off on you. Perhaps your ex flaked on picking up the kids. Again.

Take yourself out of the equation for a bit. If it wasn’t you, would it still have happened anyway?

This is a powerful question that can help you distinguish between those things that you have some agency over and those things that are truly somebody else’s problem.

If you realize that it would have happened in the same way without you, then it’s really not about you at all and it gives you permission to let it go. If you discover that you have a role in the situation, then you also have some power over changing it.

 

2 – Why else could they have been motivated to undertake this action?

Part of the reason that we have a tendency to take things personally is that it’s an easy conclusion to reach. It’s neat. It’s tidy. It’s direct.

And yet that doesn’t make it true.

It’s amazing how much of our responses are tied to assumptions born of past experiences rather than the present reality. Before you conclude that this was because of you, examine some other potential causes for the action or reaction.

Remember too that life is rarely black or white, either or. Just because a part of this may be yours to own, it doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for the entire package.

 

3 – Can you avoid receiving negative responses?

Take a moment and think of someone you greatly admire or a book or movie or restaurant that you absolutely love. Then, go to an online review site and look to see how many one-star reviews this person, production or place has received.

I bet there is no shortage.

It’s a potent reminder that nobody and nothing is right for everyone and that even the best are sometimes told that they’re awful. And that everybody is always viewing the world through their own lens, clouded by their own experiences and beliefs.

 

Taking things too personally is both a selfish and a self-sacrificing act. It implies that you’re the center of the action and also makes you responsible for the well-being of those around you. It leads to unnecessary pain and frustration and distracts from root causes and possible solutions.

It’s important to remember that you’re not always the intended target. Sometimes you’re just collateral damage.

 

Related: Just Because it Happened to You, Does Not Mean it Happened Because of You

 

 

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)

Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)

Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to turn to an affair.)

Knowledge is power. Learn more here.

Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you ever fallen for someone that turned out to be bad for you? Who left you worse off than you were before? Who perhaps used you or abused you?

My hand is sure is sure raised.

And I know I’m not alone in this.

So why is it that we fall so easily for those who treat us badly? And what can we do to keep it from happening again? Learn more here.