Three Reasons NOT to Seek Closure

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was good at coming up with excuses.

I must send him another email (even though he didn’t respond to the first two) so that he knows the impact of what he’s done and it might prompt him to apologize.

I have to contact the police about his bigamy because it is a crime and he should face the legal consequences.

I need to look at his other wife’s blog so that I have an idea if he’s going to show up to court.

I read through scores of emails and stared at countless images of his face, all in the name of finding closure.

Yet with every message I sent his way, every piece of evidence collected for the court case, every glance at the other wife’s blog and every peak at his face or his words, what I was really doing was reopening the wound. Delaying healing all in the name of closure.

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The concept of closure is a malleable one. Generally, people use the term to signify that they have harvested any lessons from the situation, found acceptance and are ready to move on. In that sense, closure is a respectable and desirable goal. The problem arises when the pursuit of closure is used as justification for detrimental behaviors.

 

Using Closure as an Excuse to Maintain Contact

It’s rarely easy limiting contact with your ex during a divorce. For some, they miss the companionship and reach out under the guise of “talking things out” in order to maintain the familiar friendship. Others bombard their ex with questions, convinced that they need these answers in order to understand the demise of the relationship. (Hint: You don’t actually need to understand in order to move on.) And then there are those like me that maintain “virtual” contact by following the ex’s actions online, with the pretense that the other person’s actions are somehow important to your own happiness (Spoiler alert – they’re not.).

There’s a reason that “no contact” with the ex is recommended whenever possible (and it’s possible in pretty much every case without children and can often be limited even when kids are in the picture). Whenever you have exposure to your ex during the healing process, the scab is ripped off and the wound reopened. Go back and look at the ultimate goals of closure – learning, acceptance and moving on. You’re not going to find any of those by seeing your ex smiling alongside some new hottie on their Instagram.

 

You’re Wanting Things to Be Different

Sometimes, closure really means, “I’m not happy with the reality and I’m going to keep poking at it until it matches my vision.” You can become convinced that if you ask the right questions or just dig deeply enough, you’ll discover that things aren’t as they appear.

In my case, I wanted evidence that he was remorseful for his actions. I convinced myself that I needed an apology (I didn’t) or at least some scrap of information that would demonstrate that he did love me and that he was heartbroken over the consequences of his choices.

This type of closure is in opposition to acceptance. Whenever you’re dictating what you want to find, you’re trying to make reality match your wishes. And that’s a losing battle.

 

When What You’re Looking for Doesn’t Exist

In seeking closure, many of us are looking for the neat and clean ending that wraps up most fictional stories. We want the lessons presented in an easy-to-understand format. We want the protagonist to find happiness and we want to see karma bite any bad guys in the tale. All of this makes for a great movie ending, but it doesn’t exist in the real world.

Life is messy. Any lessons that you can learn from your divorce won’t be found in a distilled moral to the story. Your happiness will be variable and karma may be stuck in traffic. Closure doesn’t mean that you will never again feel the pain and it doesn’t mean that you will forget. Closure simply means that you’re willing to let the past go.

And if you’re using closure as an excuse, maybe it’s time to let that go too.

 

And if you’re looking for healthy ways to create your own closure (that don’t require the participation of your ex), read this!

 

Are You Harboring Any of These Toxic Thoughts?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
toxic thoughts

By now, I think we’re all pretty aware of toxic people. Those emotional vampires who use, abuse and bully their way through life. We’re better able to identify those one-sided relationships that leave us shattered and shelled, picking our splintered pieces off the floor. And we’re less tolerant of the mistreatment, less willing to provide sanctuary and more apt to excise toxic people from our lives.

It’s important that we tend to that external garden, pull those weeds from our lives and erect boundaries to contain those prone to overgrowth and encroachment. Yet it’s perhaps even more critical that we attend to our inner garden, nurturing those thoughts that beautify us and eradicating those that become noxious weeds.

Are you harboring any of these toxic thoughts?

If Only

The “what ifs” are the kudzu of the mental landscape, covering everything else with their tenacious tendrils until your normal thoughts are starved for both light and air. The thoughts of what might have been or what could potentially be are seductive, whispering possibilities of dreams unrealized, situations untenable and paths never taken. These thoughts of “If only things were different…” are toxic because they are rooted in fantasy and magical thinking, counting on only wishes to grow. Their winding ways make us feel as though we’re taking action, yet they really just keep us moving in circles.

Instead, use your desire for things to be different to identify areas of discontent. Then, clear away the winding wishes to see what truly lies beneath. You may likely find that the source of your dissatisfaction isn’t what you initially thought as you begin to see things differently. And then, once you know what you’re working working with, you can devise a plan. And some real action.

I Can’t

The toxic thoughts of “I can’t” cause us to see walls where they do not exist, holding us prisoner of our own minds. “I can’t” and its cousin, “it’s impossible” shut down any possible solutions before they’re even entertained. These toxic thoughts are fertilized by fear, the anxiety of attempting something and finding it difficult or even reaching failure stamping down the motivation to even try.

Before you allow yourself to reach the conclusion that something is impossible, allow your mind to explore the possibilities without censor. Play with the ideas. Don’t worry yet about the feasibility. Yes, part of this exercise is to help you discover a potential solution or option. But perhaps the most important part of this assignment is simply to help you realize that you are not trapped. Even though some ideas may be impossible, others will be within reach.

I’m Broken

The injurious thought of “I’m broken” has a permanence to it. It suggests that the breakage is absolute and endless, a shattered and worthless self scattered upon the floor.  It’s a natural thought to have when you’re experiencing the gut-ripping of piercing pain and facing a situation that has left you undeniably changed.

It makes sense to accept the alterations that have occurred in your life and, in response, to you. It’s healthy to begin where you are (as opposed to living with the “if onlys”). Yet it’s limiting (and not accurate) to think that the pain and the change mean that you can never be whole again. You’re different, yes. And you have everything you need to be okay again.

You may feel like you’re in pieces, but you don’t have pieces of you missing. Here’s one of the best allegories of that concept ever done.

It’s All or None

“I’m not ready to get married again, so I can’t date.”

“My ex was unfaithful, therefore all men will cheat eventually.”

“My attempt at online dating was unsuccessful, so I’m destined to be alone forever.”

All of these statements contain the poison of all or none thinking at their core. An inevitable line is drawn from a single date to a wedding. One person’s bad behavior is extended to an entire gender. And a failure in one venue for a period of time is assumed to continue in all arenas and for all time.

All or none thinking is a form of mountaining – looking at our obstacles in such a way as to make them appear much larger than they actually are. These can be difficult thoughts to dismiss because they do contain some truth and it’s often easier to write off an entire choice rather than explore the issue further.

Be conscious of the path your thoughts lead you down. You may be reaching conclusions that are more mirage than reality.

Outcome-Focused

This type of toxic thinking is related to, “I’ll be okay if…” It confuses our agency over our actions with control over the outcomes. And that’s a fruitless and frustrating place to occupy because your energy is being directed elsewhere while you begin to feel drained.

When our thoughts are focused on the external results, we risk missing opportunities for internal adjustments. Furthermore, we may attach false beliefs and labels to ourselves, believing we “failed,” when really we’re measuring the wrong thing. Be aware of your locus of control. If something exists outside of that, release any attachment to the outcome and instead pay attention to what you can alter.

Here’s a quick rundown of what is your stuff…and what is not.

I Give Up

Knowing when and being willing to let go is an excellent trait to have. And it is completely different than the toxic thought of giving up.

Giving up is born from fear or frustration. Sometimes this is wise. Your fear may be telling you that the path is too treacherous and it is safer to turn back. However, fear is a sly companion. It is the taxi driver capitalizing on your ignorance to lead you astray. Fear will lie to you and tell you that you are in mortal danger when, in fact, you are perfectly safe. When you quit, you are listening to that fear and believing its stories. You may feel embarrassed or ashamed that you chose to throw in the towel. You may get defensive, throwing up walls and justifying your decision. When we give up out of fear, we often feel unfinished. Unsatisfied. Unsettled. When you let fear be your chauffeur, your destination will not be the one you intended.

Letting go happens when you face your fear. It is that moment when your fear is telling you to grip tight and you choose to release. Letting go is born of acceptance, an understanding that you cannot control all of the outcomes. Letting go gives a sense of peace. Of weightlessness. Giving up is easy. Letting go is not. It is conscious, deliberate act that may take years or decades. It requires patience and compassion. Give yourself that gift and be the driver of your own life.