Going “No Contact” – Signs That It’s Needed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you recently endured a breakup or divorce and you’re wondering if going “no contact” with your ex is the right decision for you? Here’s what to consider:

 

There is a History of Manipulation or Abuse

At its core, abuse is about power and control. Especially if your ex was gaslighting you or was emotionally abusive, it is critical that you get distance from them in order to begin to heal from their manipulations. When you maintain contact before you have an opportunity to find your strength and learn to listen to your inner voice, it’s too easy to again fall victim of their crazy-making influence.

This can be a very difficult separation; when there is emotional abuse, you have often been led to believe that you cannot live without them. Which is exactly why you need to prove to yourself that you can.

 

The Relationship Has a Pattern of Cycling

When it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it’s terrible. If you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship that keeps running through the same cycles, it may be time to take a break. A real one.

When you know that they are just out of reach, it’s too easy to close that gap whenever you’re feeling sad or lonely. The problem becomes telling the difference between taking them back because you want them and taking them back because you don’t want to be alone. One of the best ways to tell the difference is to remove them from your life for an extended period of time (enough time for the initial sadness and isolation to pass) to see if you really miss them.

 

You Find Yourself Obsessing About Your Ex

If you feel powerless to control your thoughts – or your behaviors – around your ex, it can be a sign that you need a complete and total removal. Think of it like keeping ice cream out of the house when you’re trying to lose weight.

One of the more common ways that this obsession manifests is through social media. Are you constantly checking up on your ex’s posts and profile? Are you scanning their pictures looking for signs that they miss you or that they have a new crush? It is impossible for you to move forward if you’re putting this much energy into your past.

 

You Experience Anxiety Around Contact (Or the Thought of Contact) With Your Ex

Are you nervous at the thought of speaking with or seeing your ex? Does the sight of their name on your phone cause your stomach to plummet and your heart to race? If they are still able to trigger this much emotion in you, it can be a sign that you need some time to disconnect and recenter before you consider contact.

 

You Feel Regret After Contact

Do you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you’re feeling low and then you regret it soon after? Maybe you’re hoping that they’ve changed and their harsh or dismissive words have wounded you all over again. Or, perhaps you were looking for a closing conversation and instead, you find yourself on the receiving end of an angry rant.

Regardless, listen to your emotions. If you’re feeling regret, it’s a sign that you’re doing something that isn’t right for you.

 

Your Ex Takes Up a Lot of Mental Space

Is your ex out of your physical life but still living in your headspace? This is a sign that you may need to cut off all contact in order to complete the eviction. We only have so much energy. When you’re electing to spend a majority of it on your ex, it means that you’re neglecting other areas of your life. Remember – whatever you nurture, grows.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

Marriage: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage: should I stay or go

From time to time, I have people contact me with a description of their marriage or their thoughts about filing for divorce. After describing the situation, they often conclude with the following question: should I stay or should I go?

I have yet to encounter an email which prompts me to answer that question directly with the advice to divorce or to stay in the marriage. After all, barring the extreme cases of physical threats and violence, that is not an outside observer’s call to make. Instead of offering a verdict, I instead pose questions gathered from the shared information.

I have found that often the inclination to stay in a marriage or to leave via divorce is often rooted in some assumptions or thoughts that have not been fully explored. These are common statements that I receive and some of the questions that I pose in response –

 

The following are not always a good reason to leave a marriage:

 

I miss or crave the independence and freedom that comes with being single.

Specifically, what does freedom look like to you? Feel like? How would being independent change how you move through life and alter the decisions you make? Are there ways to find more space and agency within your marriage?

What are some of the downsides that come with the freedoms of single hood? What are some of the positives you only gain from a long-term relationship? Is the grass actually greener, or is it because of your current perspective? Are you putting energy into watering your own grass?

How much of this feeling of being tied down can be attributed to your marriage and how much is because you’re feeling the pressure of being an adult (and maybe missing the freedoms of your youth)?

 

I have a crush on somebody and it makes me feel so alive.

Isn’t that feeling of early infatuation so powerful? What do you like about yourself when you’re with this person? What do they see in you that makes you feel desired? How are you different with them than you are with your spouse?

Are you seeing this crush in their entirety, or are they only presenting their best selves? Does the crush have the traits that would make them a good long-term partner or possible parent?

What was it like when you first met your spouse? Do you put as much energy and intention into the relationship now as you did then? Are there times when you still see your spouse through that lens of infatuation, excitement or curiosity? Do you struggle to see them apart from their role as parent or caretaker or are you taking on a “parental” role with them?

When are other times or situations that also make you feel alive?

 

I’m bored in my marriage; it’s just not exciting anymore.

Are you bored or are you boring? What are you bringing to the marital table to bring excitement or interest? Do you tend to respond with “yes” or with “no”? Are you curious about your spouse?

When was the last time you and your partner did something new together? Do you ever ask your spouse questions that you do not know the answer to?

What do you do as an individual to keep from becoming stagnant? When was the last time you did something that scares you or that you struggle with? Are you taking responsibility for your own stuff?

 

I’m feeling restless. I want to make some major changes in my life.

Have you brainstormed areas of possible change? Have you approached your spouse with some of your ideas? Are you assuming that they aren’t interested in your propositions before you’ve asked?

Are you living a life that feels purposeful? Do you have any feelings of emptiness? Do you feel like you can be yourself around others? Have you been living the life you want, or the one that someone else decided for you?

Are you uncomfortable with some area(s) of your life and you’re hoping to leave them behind? How do you envision life being different after you make these major changes?

 

I feel like my life has gone off course. This isn’t what I imagined.

Has your destination changed or is it more that the path isn’t as straightforward as you pictured? What adventures and sights have you enjoyed that you wouldn’t have if your life took the expected course?

What role did you expect your spouse to play in your life? How did you think marriage would look? Do you struggle with the contrast between the partner you imagined and the one you have?

Have you strayed from your core values and beliefs? If so, what can you do to recommit to your guiding principles?

 

My partner has changed. They are no longer the person I married.

What are some of the life events that have impacted your partner or your marriage since you met?  In what ways has your partner changed for the better? Can you find a way to reframe the other changes in a more compassionate or understanding light?

Can you respond to these changes with curiosity? Have you tried to get to know your “new” spouse? Have you talked to someone who likes your spouse as they are to gain their perspective?

Would you be upset with a child for not being the same person at high school graduation as they were in preschool? How have you changed since the beginning of the relationship? How have these changes in your partner challenged you to grow?

 

The following are not always a good reason to stay in a marriage:

 

Leaving would break my spouse’s heart.

Do you feel like it’s your role to protect your partner’s feelings and/or to take care of them? Is it fair to your spouse for you to withhold important information from them? How might they feel if they find out later that you wanted to leave?

Are you underestimating your spouse’s strength? Have you explored this thought with them? Do you know with certainty that your partner wants to stay in the marriage? How can you broach this topic with them in a kind and compassionate manner?

 

It’s easier just to stay.

If your friend described this same situation, what advice would you give them? Have you ever gone through something difficult that was worth it in the end? Is there energy required to stay?

Do you feel like you have a realistic idea of the effort needed to divorce and start a new life? Have you talked to somebody who is a year or more out of divorce to gain insight into the process? How do you think you will feel about this decision ten years down the road? Twenty?

 

I’m scared to leave. I am intimidated by starting over. I’m worried that I’ll be alone forever.

Fear can be so convincing, can’t it? What scares you the most about leaving or starting over? Are you trying to look at the whole big picture at once? Have you broken it down into smaller, more manageable steps?

What is a time in your life when you overcame a fear? How did you feel leading up to your action? How did you feel after?

Which is worse for you – the idea of feeling alone in your marriage or the idea of being alone? Is it possible that your fear is lying to you?

 

I’m staying for the kids.

Are you and your spouse able to maintain a loving and peaceful environment for the kids? Do your marital tensions impact how you interact with your children? Have you seen changes in the kids that may be indicative of their stress at home?

Will you stay after the kids leave home? How might their parent’s divorce impact them when they are older?

Have you talked to divorced parents and/or adults of divorced parents to learn more about what it’s like from someone who has experienced it? Did you have a traumatic experience from your own parents’ divorce? How could you make divorce less harmful for your children?

 

I’m hoping it will improve.

If you know for certain that your spouse and/or marriage would be the same in five years, would you decide to stay? Have you communicated your wants and needs with your partner in a way that they can understand?

Are you putting up with abusive or cruel behavior? Would you want your child to be in a marriage with somebody like your spouse?

Are you in love with your partner’s potential? Have they promised to change? Have they made any efforts? How long are you willing to wait for promised change?

 

I’m staying out of obligation.

Do you feel trapped by your marriage? Do you feel contempt and/or frustration for your partner? If so, how might that impact the energy in your home? If your spouse gave you permission to back out of your vows, how do you think you would respond?

Are there situations when it is okay to change your mind? Are there any “dealbreakers” in marriage for you? What are they?

If you discovered that your spouse was only staying out of a sense of obligation, how would you feel? Does divorce feel like failure to you?

 

And for those of you seriously considering divorce, here are twelve questions you MUST ask yourself first.

What Are Your Marriage Deal Breakers?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dealbreaker

Brock asked me once if I would have given my first marriage a chance if my ex had come to me instead of disappearing.

“It depends,” was my response. By the time the end was imminent, there had been so many lies and so much betrayal that I don’t think we could have moved beyond it. But if had approached me earlier?

Maybe.

One of the reasons I married Brock was for his, “Hard work can fix anything” atittude. He’s not one to easily give up on anything. I like that. And for the most part, I share that attitude.

But I’ve also experienced enough to know that effort can’t fix everything. Especially if the effort is one-sided.

From Til Death Do You Part:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

There are certain dire situations where my reaction would be to immediately end a marriage instead of staying and working to fix it.

The following are my marriage deal breakers:

Reoccuring Infidelity or Infidelity Without Accepting Responsibility

I don’t believe that the occurance of infidelity should automatically result in a marital split. I have heard of so many cases where the crisis, once the underlying issues have been confronted and addressed, has made a couple closer in the end. Yet in order for the marriage to have a chance, the cheater has to take responsibility for their actions and make the necessary changes so that it doesn’t happen again.

It’s hard work. It’s messy work. And it’s work that has do be undertaken by both spouses. If the infidelity became a pattern or the responsibility was shrugged off, I would walk.

Violence

The need to feel physically safe is a basic one. And in a relationship, a physical reaction to a disagreement or frustration is never okay. I can’t imagine ever feeling safe again (much less acttracted to) somebody who had struck me.

Maybe it was a one-time thing. An overreaction while being emotionally consumed. But that’s not a chance I would want to take.

Habitual Lying

Much like with infidelity, I don’t believe that a single (or occasional) lie is a reason to hire a lawyer. Even if it’s a major lie, I would try to understand the motivation behind the untruth before calling it quits. But if the lies overlapped like shingles on a roof keeping the truth out, my inclination towards sympathy would be erased. Once somebody has allowed lying and deceiving to be their way of interacting with the world, they have a hard time living in truth.

They may tell you they’ll stop lying. But history proves that’s a lie as well. I refuse to ever again live in a land of make believe that somebody is projecting for me. Especially if it involves my financial security!

Abandonment

It seems self-explanatory, doesn’t it? Yet I had people question my decision to divorce my ex – who disappeared, married somebody else and refused contact. I mean, really? I guess I can kind of see it if the marriage provides insurance benefits or something (I’ve met people where this is the case and they stay married for a long period of time in name only).

Even with the definitions of marriage changing, it still takes (at least) two to make it work. When one goes, it’s gone.

And then there’s the ones that may reach deal breaker status – addiction and mental illness.

After my ex left, I learned he had been struggling with both of these. And not handling either well. I don’t see addiction or mental illness as automatic deal breakers. In fact, I view them more as a time to increase effort (both in self-care and support for the spouse)  than calling it quits. Of course, in order for that to happen, the struggling partner has to be open enough to reveal their struggles. If it’s hidden, the combined efforts can’t happen.

These two issues can be devastating – both for the affected one and for the impacted loved ones. And that’s why it’s a murky area. If the addict or mentally ill person consistently refuses to get help and continually acts in ways that threaten the well-being of the family, there may come a time when distance is the best option for all involved.

 

So, back to Brock’s question – Would I have tried to work through the issues in my first marriage?

Yes, if he had come to me about his battle with depression and drinking before the lies overwhelmed our lives. Yes, if he was ready to accept responsbility for his actions and willing to accept help. Yes, if he was wanting to increase effort rather than run away. Yes, if we would have been fighting together for a shared goal.

But I refuse to fight alone.

Knight

And so I chose a spouse the next time around that isn’t prone to those dealbreakers. That isn’t afraid of hard work. That doesn’t mind getting messy. That fights with me for our marriage.

And I’m glad that most stressors in a marriage are not of the deal breaking  variety.  I hope to never see those again.

Those are my marriage deal breakers. What are yours?

 

Is Divorce Your Only Option?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first read this piece by Matt on why he declined to participate in Huffington Post’s collection on when divorce is the only option, my knee-jerk response was that sometimes divorce is the only option.

When I filed for divorce, my husband was MIA, married to another woman and still actively funneling my credit and paycheck towards his new life.

I certainly didn’t see any other option other than cutting those legal ties as quickly as possible.

But what if I had discovered the infidelities (financial and relational) months before? The decision to divorce at that point would not have been so clear. Perhaps he could have received intensive treatment for addiction. Maybe trust could be rebuilt along with the finances, a team approach towards mending a broken marriage.

And if I had been aware of his shame or his unhappiness or his struggles with employment years before the end (and realized my own fear of confrontation), the entire trajectory of those final years could have been altered. Tracks built together towards a different future.

What if we had made a more conscious start to our relationship rather than simply following one foot in front of the other? What if we had spent more time discussing the potential hardships that can befall a marriage and explore ways to avoid those traps?

Or, tracing that reasoning all the way back, what if I had been more aware of my own struggles with abandonment and anxiety and more attuned to his struggles with avoidance and shame when we first started dating? Maybe I would have chosen a different husband. One that wouldn’t have made divorce the only option.

Any marriage can get to a point (The “F” It Point) where divorce becomes the only option.

From ‘Til Death Do You Part?:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

But that point doesn’t spontaneously generate. And its creation is ultimately the responsibility of both partners.

Sometimes divorce is the only option.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you enter marriage with your eyes open and your ego checked.

If you commit to fixing yourself rather than blaming another.

If you quiet your fears enough to face the truth and trust that you can make it through.

And if you understand that divorce is always an option and that it takes awareness, intention and effort for it to never become the only option.

Should I Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

 

When To Throw in the Towel on Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In my opinion, one of the best parts of being abandoned is never having to wrestle with the thought of, “Should I stay or should I go?” Or even, “Will he or she stay?” There is no decision to be made about throwing in the towel. Instead, one day, you blindly reach your arm out of the shower only to learn that the towel has been removed while you were busy trying to rinse shampoo out of your eyes.

Read about the other benefits of abandonment.

Ending a relationship is rarely a clear-cut decision. There’s the matter of time invested. And hope for change. And usually the bad parts are at least somewhat offset with some good.

But sometimes a relationship needs to end. It’s a personal choice; one no one else can make for you. I’ve read many lists of when to stick it out and when to call it quits, but I think this one is probably one of the best I’ve come across. Clear and direct for when your thoughts are anything but.

It’s a good guide to help you decide if you should throw in the towel or maybe just add a little more fabric softener next time you throw it in the wash.