The Best Way to Get Over Someone?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s common advice –

 

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. 

 

And in many ways, this suggestion makes sense. After all, what better way to remind yourself that the one you lost is not the only one than to sample what is available? At the same time, like any advice, this strategy may not be right for you and could even compromise your healing process after divorce or a breakup.

Here’s what you may want to consider before following this advice:

 

The Pros of Getting Under Someone Else:

 

Reminds You That There is Life After Divorce

Divorce has an impressive talent for being all-consuming. It expands to fill every nook and crevice in your life, displacing many things that once brought you happiness or peace. The excitement and passion of a no-strings-attached encounter can remind you that a whole world of possibility still exists as your numbed and deadened tissues are sparked into life.

 

Makes You Feel Desirable

Especially if you were rejected, you may be feeling unlovable and undesirable. So when somebody suddenly wants you, it’s intoxicating. The experience can help you begin to see yourself in a new light – not as a broken and hurting person, but as a whole and appealing person.

 

Provides an Outlet for the Excess Energy

Divorce often results in a period of almost manic energy. It’s a mania frequently characterized by a need for action and compulsive thoughts and actions. A fling offers a welcome outlet for this energy, both physical and mental.

 

Acts as a Distraction

Much of the divorce process is positively soul-draining. It manages to be both scary and tedious as it drags on while threatening to take what little you have left. And there’s nothing like a little dalliance to take your mind off the latest email from the attorney or the fact that your ex is ignoring the divorce decree.

 

The Cons of Getting Under Someone Else:

 

Can Leave You Feeling Emptier and Lonelier

For a split section, all feels right with the world. You’re snuggling up against your fling, relaxed and happy. And then either they say something or you think something that causes you to remember that for all intents and purposes, they are a stranger. And sometimes that realization makes you feel more alone than if you had the entire bed to yourself.

 

May Lead to Guilt or Shame if Not Aligned to Values

Sometimes the sudden freedom and mania combine after divorce to make people do things they would never do under normal circumstances. Of course, these are not normal circumstances. On its own, this is not a problem. But if your actions do not align with your beliefs or values, you may be setting yourself up for a major guilt case of guilt or shame.

 

Healing Can Be Delayed or Confused

Healing is hard work. And for the most part, healing is an inside job. When all of your energy is focused outward, you may not have enough energy or willpower to do the real work of healing. Additionally, the initial high of a fling can lead you to believe that the solution to your heartbreak is found with another person. This often leads to a leapfrogging pattern, where you leap from one temporary relief to another.

 

You May End Up in Awkward or Even Dangerous Situations

After divorce or a breakup, your brain isn’t working very well. You may be more likely to engage in risky behaviors since you feel like you have nothing to lose. Furthermore, you may find that you’re inadvertently attracting people that are looking to use you or that become too attached too quickly. You’re vulnerable right now and that can lead to ending up in situations that get you in over your head.

 

All of that being said, do what’s right for you. And feel free to change your mind about what’s right at any moment. When it comes to life after divorce, few of us follow a rational and straight path as we leave the marriage and reenter the world. More often, we stumble around and end up making some poor decisions before we find what feels right.

And there’s no shame in those mistakes and missteps. You’re learning.

 

If you decide that getting under someone else is not the right move for you right now, but you’re still looking for an outlet for that energy that will also help to give your purpose and confidence, here’s my favorite strategy.

Guest Post: Sex, Love and Relationship Advice From a Divorced Dad

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I believe the main goal of marriage is to stay happily married.  Sounds pretty simple, doesn’t it?  Unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way.

If you feel your marriage is having problems, do something to fix it!  Address the problems and don’t just hope those things will just “go away” or “get better” with time.  The fix could be as simple as bringing up whatever problems you’re having with your partner.  Try to keep the lines of communication open as much as possible.  Little problems can fester and turn into big ones mighty quick.  Don’t be afraid to suggest going to a marriage counselor.  This does not mean your marriage is on life support, but you want to fix what might be wrong.  I know most of this is not macho.  But if you take the macho route, you might be macho all by yourself and paying a big price for it.

Show your spouse with actions, not just tell your spouse how much they mean to you.  It’s amazing how good you feel when your partner actually listens to you.  Isn’t it nice when they tell you about their day at work or something that is important to them.  Whatever they are talking about may not be important to you, but if it’s important to your spouse, it should become important to you as well.  Show compassion and empathy when appropriate and it will be reciprocated when the time comes.  You are the person they should be able to lean on.

Hey guys, try surprising your wife with a meal you prepared ready by the time she gets home from work.  Or better yet, take care of the laundry and clean the house before she gets home from work. All this and a nice foot rub are powerful foreplay tools.  You may truly unlock the inner vixen in your mate.

Your wife should be your girlfriend, and your husband should be your boyfriend.  I’m a big advocate of date nights.  You have to have some time with just your spouse alone.  This means getting dressed up a bit and look good for your partner.   That means you gals should get out of your sweats and put as much effort into dressing up, hair and makeup for your husband, as you do for the occasional night out with the girls.  Guys, yes you should take a shower and shave before your night out. Put on something other than your favorite jersey or flannel shirt.  Just think back to when you were working hard to impress each other when you started dating.  You should still be trying to impress and attract your partner.  This also means it is time for the two of you to get out of the house for your dates.

Speaking of trying to attract your mate, I don’t understand why I see so many women in the gym trying to lose weight and look good when they are newly divorced or going through a divorce.  Perhaps this is something you should have been doing all along. The same goes for you guys.  I see guys that I have never seen before in the gym and after talking to them, they tell me they are trying to get “back into shape” because they will soon be or are back on the market.  Sorry guys, but bowling, golf and softball just are not exercise.  They and other “sports” are excuses to drink beer with the guys and be away from home.  I’m a big believer in exercise, and it’s obvious benefits to your mental and physical health.  The two of you don’t have to look like cover models for fashion magazines, but you shouldn’t give up and stop trying to look good for your spouse!  A gym membership is much cheaper than a divorce.

Get yourself a pool of reliable babysitters you trust and use them.  I know it is tough with careers, kids in sports and all their activities.  There could also be special circumstances such as elderly parents or special need children.  You have to make the effort for everybody’s sake.

Let’s talk about sex.  Contrary to some negative perceptions from some organized religion, sex is a good thing.  There’s been an overabundance of studies on the subject and I believe most of the “experts” say it is good for you physically as well as emotionally.   I can’t think of something that connects two married people more than sex.  The act produces all kinds of good chemical reactions and gives you both an incredible feeling of intimacy and closeness that a marriage needs.  If you’re having sex with your spouse on a regular basis, how can you stay mad at him/her for not doing the dishes and other silly arguments that may pop up?   I defy you to even think of the dirty dishes after had a mind-blowing session between the sheets.  Sex is the glue that keeps you together!

I have heard that woman need to feel loved to have sex and men need sex to feel loved.  I’m sure there are exceptions to that rule, but for the most part, I think it’s spot on.  So guys and gals do your best to keep those love vibes going and get naked! It’s a win-win situation when you and your spouse are making love on a regular basis.   (To each other of course)

There is a variety of reasons people get divorced.  Many times it’s a combination of things; poor communication, unfaithfulness, tragedy, Illness or accident, or you just plain grow apart.  When you split up with your spouse, this is a good time to reflect on what you think went wrong.  This would be a good time to take an inventory of what you think you may have done to contribute to the ultimate demise of your marriage.  Please don’t wallow in this.  Just try not to make the same mistakes twice.  This would be a good time to work on the things you believe you need to improve on and perhaps time to get rid of the things that may have contributed to the riffs in your relationship.  A good therapist might be a good idea to help you sort all this out.

I’m not talking about abuse.  If you’re in an abusive situation, get the hell out and take your kids with you.  Your safety and your children’s safety is paramount.  This also holds true if your spouse if an addict; drugs or alcohol.

Most folks blame the other person for their marriages going south.  Some of the time the blame rests square on one person’s shoulders, but most of the time it is a team effort.  Remember getting divorced is closing one door and opening another one.  Walk through that open door with your chin up with the confidence that you will try not to make the same mistakes twice.

By L.J. Burke, author of DIVORCED DAD: Kids are Forever, Wives are Not.

Married Sex Doesn’t Have to Be Lame

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The search string, “married sex is lame” led someone to my neck of the blogosphere yesterday. I’m not sure why that combination of words led to me because even though I’ve written a little about sex and more about lame duck marriages, I’ve never written that married sex is lame.

Because I don’t think it is.

Or at least, I don’t believe it has to be.

I guess it starts with a dissection of what is meant by “lame.” Since the Googler isn’t here to explain him-or herself (don’t assume it was a man typing that; I’ve actually heard from more women dissatisfied with their sex lives than men!), we’ll have to make some assumptions.

First, a diagnosis of lame could come from a deficit of either (or both) quantity or quality. A dissatisfaction with the frequency of sex (by one or both partners) could be further broken down by external causes – children, time, illness – and internal factors – resentment, shame, aversion. This may be the entirety of the problem, or it may coexist with a qualitative unhappiness with sex, where physical intimacy is described as boring, predictable or uninspiring.

And sex is important to a marriage.It separates the romantic relationship from friendship. It nurtures a physical and chemical (thanks to our good friend, oxytocin) bond between the partners. The best sex transcends the physical act and becomes an expression of vulnerability and a gift of shared pleasure.

When sexual satisfaction wanes (especially when it decreases unevenly between the partners), it’s something to take seriously. It’s either a sign that something is amiss or it’s a factor that can contribute to the erosion of a marriage over time.

Sex in a marriage is important.

(And please, please, please consider sexual compatibility before entering into a commitment with somebody. If sex is very important to you, be honest about that and find somebody who matches your needs. If you tend towards the asexual, don’t try to be someone you’re not. And also refrain from marriage until after the initial sexual energy of a new relationship has settled. The honeymoon phase is just that – a phase. Not a time to make life-altering decisions).

What Do You Owe Your Spouse?

And you don’t have to settle for the stereotype that married sex is lame sex, becoming more crippled with each advancing year. Of course, you also have to accept your sphere of influence – it doesn’t extend much beyond you. In sex, as with any other endeavor, you can only control your actions and reactions. But even that can be pretty powerful:

Expectations

Because if you believe married sex is lame, guess what kind of sex your marriage will have? If you accept that sex inevitably declines over time, guess what will occur in your bed? If you expect your sex life to continue to be the way it was in the beginning, when you had your oxytocin and dopamine boosters filled to the brim, you will perceive the inevitable ebbs as a sign of impending doom.

Expect sex within a marriage to be good (and even great) and accept that, as with anything, perfection is only illusion.

Prioritization

Think back to the early years of your sexual explorations – Could you imagine having to schedule sex at that point? It practically scheduled itself into every waking hour, at least in thought.

That emphasis on sex will change. Which is good. After all, would you entrust your health to a surgeon with the pervasive sexual fantasies of a 17-year-old boy? I didn’t think so.

Marital sex takes intention. It takes creativity and persistence (and often a calendar and a door lock) to fit it in to the nooks in our busy lives. That’s not a sign of impeding doom. It’s a sign you have a life.

Expend Effort

Anything worthwhile in life requires effort. You won’t have a great sex life if you don’t nurture a great sex life.

And be careful of habit. When external pressures require a decrease in sex for a time, it’s easy to simply allow inertia to carry you along that path. Once the external circumstances allow, make an effort to climb back up into bed. Or the counter. I’m not judging:)

Periodicity

Sex in a relationship will wax and wane. There will be periods of more sex and times of less. There will be phases of fireworks and spans of quiet coupling. Ride the waves. Trust that ebbs will be followed by flows. And allow the troughs to help you appreciate the crests.

And don’t blame those dry periods on the marriage. They would happen if you were single and on the scene too – you just wouldn’t have a convenient scapegoat.

Novelty

There’s a reason that people are generally not sexually attracted to family members (with or without a blood connection). When someone is too familiar, they are no longer sexually attractive. We gravitate towards and over-familiarization of our spouses. Partly from time and proximity and partly from a desire for a feeling of security. But security and passion are mutually exclusive. See your partner as he or she is – an independent person that can still surprise you.

Release of Negativity

If you allow it, a marriage can create quite a collection of perceived hurts and wrongdoings. If you carry those stones of displeasure throughout the relationship, you will begin to resent their weight. And bitterness is certainly no aphrodisiac. Instead of sleeping with the partner who has disappointed you or bruised your feelings, try having sex with the person you fell in love with. They’re still there.

Understand the Role

One of the truisms about gender differences in marital sex is that women often have sex because they feel close to their partner, whereas men have sex to become close. We all too often reduce sex to its mechanical components. And yes, the physical act and release is important. But it’s not everything. Sex is a shared experience, bringing closeness.  It is an opportunity for vulnerability and acceptance. It is a time to give and share pleasure.

Express Desire

One of the most common reasons you hear for an affair is, “It felt so good to be desired again.” That’s sad. We all have a need to be wanted and accepted. That’s perhaps the biggest gift you can give your spouse -the continued and open expression of desire along with the temperance of judgment.

“I see you. I accept you. And I want you.”

Self-Acceptance

It’s not just your partner you have to accept – it’s also yourself. It always makes me sad when I hear people (usually women on this one) bemoan their “fat” bellies and expanding hips and assuming that their husband finds them repulsive.

Another truism comes to mind here – “Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can wear.” When we love ourselves, we invite others to see us in kind. Don’t give society the power to define what is sexy; you create your own sexy. And then own it without apology.

Curiosity and Openness

We become bored when we are boring. Harsh, I know. But true. It’s easy to build boxes and then live within the walls. Through away the recipe. Mix up the dance steps. Play. Explore together. Be curious rather than conclusive.

And I leave you with…

Top ten reasons married sex is the best sex:

  1. Practice makes better. And you’ve had plenty of opportunity to rehearse.
  2. You can help someone you care about feel wonderful. And they can return the gift.
  3. You don’t have to decline an invitation for sex just because you are wearing the underwear with holes in them or you forgot to shave your legs.
  4. Sex is better when you’re relaxed and comfortable being open and vulnerable, both of which come easier when you’re with somebody you know and trust.
  5. You’ve already been accepted by your partner so you can put away the worries of does he/she like me.
  6. You have a shared sexual history. So not only can you engage in fantasy, you can also engage in memory.
  7. There is less pressure to appear perfect, either in appearance or performance, since you’ve seen your partner both at their best and at their worst.
  8. Vacation sex.
  9. You have opportunities to explore and refine, selecting what works and discarding what doesn’t.
  10. Because everything is better with love. Even the naughty stuff.

And I hope the Googler in seek of help can discover that for themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to Crush a Crush

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Crushes are awesome. They are the first day of sunshine after a rainy week. They are a sweet bite of cake that tastes even better than imagined. They are the anticipation of the release of the sequel to your favorite movie.

They remind us that we’re alive. They make us feel attractive and ignite sexual energy. They highlight the best in people and encourage us to see the best in ourselves.

But crushes can also be dreadful.

Especially when they occur when one or both of those involved is already involved with someone else.

And when that happens, the best approach is crush the crush.

Accept It

Denying your feelings won’t work. If you try to bury them, they will only come back to bite you. Accept your crush. Even if you feel like you shouldn’t feel that way. Because you do. And that’s where you have to begin.

Name It

Once you name your emotions, you gain power over them. Sometimes a crush is overwhelming and is christened as “love.” Yet it can’t be love if you don’t even really know the person – the real person, not your fantasy created from a few data points. It’s lust. It’s excitement. It’s novelty.

Create Distance

If you’re in a relationship, it’s your responsibility to head off any potential affairs before they may reach a point of no return. If your crush is in a relationship, it’s your job to respect that partnership. Limit your exposure, especially isolated exposure, to your crush.

Don’t Catastrophize

It’s a crush. Point A. Don’t assume that it’s automatically going to proceed to Point Z. Most crushes burn hot and burn out fast. What may seem like a sign today that you’ve made the wrong choices in life may fade into obscurity before the next mortgage payment is due. Desire is not destiny. 

Take Off the Glasses

The rose ones, that is. When you’re crushing, it’s easy to perceive the object of your ardor as perfection incarnate (in fact, I would wager that most crushes are 98% fantasy and only 2% reality). But they are merely human. Allow yourself to see the imperfections. It helps to temper the roaring flames of fantasy.

Release the Guilt

Crushes are normal. Natural. Don’t beat yourself up for finding somebody attractive. It’s okay to feel that way. Just…

Don’t Act Upon It

If this an illicit crush because one or both people are partnered, then it is best left untested. A crush is a feeling. Feelings pass. If you act upon it, it’s a behavior. And behaviors have consequences.

Don’t Fixate

Yes, you’re thinking about them. It’s going to happen. But don’t encourage it. No stalking on social media. No intentional fantasizing. You’re not going to be able to bar the doors to any thoughts but you also don’t need to roll out the welcome mat.

Channel the Energy

One of the best parts of a crush is the influx of sexual energy and excitement. If you’re in a relationship, tap into that energy and reroute it back into your bedroom. Besides, great sex with your spouse will go a long way to crushing that crush:)

 

 

What We Can All Learn From “Married At First Sight”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The concept of this show fascinates me. It’s taking the concept of arranged marriage, adding the knowledge and support of psychologists and relationship experts and applying the mixture on modern singles who, by the very fact they are willing to take this risk, may not be very traditional. The show’s participants first must submit to hours of interviews and psychological tests in addition to a home visit before they are even considered. Then, when the producers have their potential partners narrowed down, the experts (a psychologist, a sexologist and a spiritual advisor) sift through the candidates in order to determine which ones would make good matches.

Not for a date.

Or even to live on an island together for a month.

But for a marriage.

A legally binding, til death do us part promise, delivered to a person they have never met.

Yikes.

Now, of course this is sensational. And extreme for most of us. But it’s also a very interesting social experiment that has some surprising elements of wisdom that we can all learn from.

Even good people may not make good spouses

It’s interesting to hear the experts debate about the candidates. They each have their own particular insight into personalities and insecurities. And they frequently will classify a person as a really good guy/gal, but pass them by because they are doubtful of their ability to make a good spouse.

There is a difference between being a good person and being a good partner. And that’s an important distinction to be aware of, whether you’re in the role of the good-person-but-not-relationship-ready or you’ve fallen for a good person who is missing key elements of relationship readiness. Sometimes good people need to be good and single, at least for now. And that’s okay.

There’s no such thing as a perfect match

As the experts solidify the matches, they point out areas where the proposed couple may struggle. And that’s after a pool of thousands has been scrutinized, analyzed and organized.

Because when you bring together two imperfect people, you’re going to have an imperfect union.

The participants are counseled before they commit to the experience that their match will not be utopian. And that’s a good conviction to start a marriage with. Because when you don’t lead with the expectation of perfection, you’re less likely to run away at the first sign of disharmony.

Marriage requires sustained effort

The participants go in with the assumption that they’re going to have to work at building a relationship with the stranger-spouse. Whereas, in a typical marriage,  we go in with the assumption that the work (dating, etc.) is already done. There’s a dangerous belief out there which states that marriage should not require work and that one that makes demands of effort is somehow lacking in authenticity.

Either those that perpetuate that myth have never been married to a person with their own beliefs and opinions or they misunderstand the definition of work. Because marriage absolutely requires work – mental or physical effort expended with the intention of achieving a desired purpose or result. And if you don’t work at it, it won’t work for you.

Let your support system support you

The participants in the show may have to deal with the endless cameras and individual interviews, but they are lucky in one regard – they have support and a lot of it. Most of us are not fortunate enough to be surrounded by a team of professionals that are all rooting for our marriage.

Yet even though we don’t have the budget of television, we can all choose to surround ourselves with people that support us AND believe in our marriage. The people we encircle our marriage with are almost as important as the person we choose to marry.

Attraction can grow

Some of the matched pairs display an immediate attraction. But most approach their spouse for what he or she is – a stranger. Neither compelling or repealing, but simply an unknown that they are about to pledge their commitment to. But those that agree to this experiment all have a powerful belief that attraction can grow and be cultivated.

Not convinced? Have you ever felt attraction fade due to inattention or a focus on the negative? Why would this only run in a single direction? Whatever you nurture, grows. Rather than gazing over the fence, water your own grass and grow the attraction in your marriage.

Let’s talk about sex BEFORE we talk about marriage

I applaud the inclusion of an expert in sex and intimacy on the show. Sex is important in a marriage and while any amount or type of sex is variable and up for debate, the spouses’ agreement on it is not. As with anything, it is easy to lead with assumptions and shame about sex – “This is what I like, so it must also be what my partner likes.” “The amount of sex I want is normal and anybody who wants more or less is either sex-addicted or frigid.” “I’m uncomfortable talking about sex, but it’s just the act that matters, right?” “Sex is a sign of a healthy relationship.” “A relationship must be healthy before sex can take place.”

Of course, the couples in the show don’t have the opportunity to discuss sexual needs, desires and hang-ups before the marriage. So the experts do it for them. They are careful to avoid pairing someone with more puritanical views with a person who is more passionate and adventurous. For the rest of us, we have to do that talking ourselves. And yes, it is important to talk. Because the added hormones at the beginning of a relationship can hide a lot of incompatibility.

Commit to the marriage separate from the person

On the best days, you will be committed to your marriage AND to your spouse. But they’re not all best days. In fact, some of the days of the marriage will be awful. And those are the days to be even more resolute in your commitment. Not to your partner (especially if you can’t even look at them without growling at the moment), but to the marriage.

And that’s exactly what the participants in the show do. They’ve committed to the marriage (and yes, to the show) before they ever pledged their loyalty to a particular spouse. And there’s real value in that. As long as the spouse is not abusive, let your commitment to the marriage be the glue that keeps you together through the hard times.

Focus on fixing yourself and getting to know your partner

It’s so easy to focus on your partner’s flaws and to pronounce that everything would be better if he or she would simply change. Yet in the show, that option is rarely there since the spouses know next-to-nothing about each other. Instead, they (with the encouragement of the support professionals), work to address their own issues and insecurities while making an effort to get to know their partner. They’re a little less likely to lay blame at the feet of the other.

Those duel processes – improving yourself and listening to your partner without assumptions – are ongoing. People are dynamic. Marriages are dynamic. If you stay static, you’ll miss the magic.

At the end of the show, some spouses do call it quits and decide to divorce. But others see the potential and the progress and elect to stay married.

And at the end of the day, marriage is more about the hundreds of commitments made every day than the single big vow on the wedding day.