7 Reasons to Cross a Finish Line During Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is often a long process. Apart from assembling the required documentation, writing checks to your attorney and making the requisite trips to IKEA (where you fight with college kids over the practical and value-minded inventory), you end up spending a lot of that time simply waiting.

Waiting for your divorce to be final.

Waiting for the legal approval to make changes to your name, your accounts and maybe your living situation.

Waiting for the uncertainty and the pain to end.

And maybe even waiting to live.

Let’s face it – waiting sucks. Feeling helpless sucks. Feeling insecure and lost as you tentatively start your new sucks.

And you know what can help all of that suck a little less?

A finish line.

No, really.

I had no business signing up for a half marathon.

But I did it anyway.

I was a late-in-life runner, never even attempting it until my thirtieth birthday. I started out on a quarter mile track, making it only halfway around on my first attempt. I stayed with it over the next two years, slowly adding distance until I could comfortably run five miles.

I was satisfied with my routine and I would always laugh off any suggestions that I should sign up for a race.

Until my ex left.

Then, suddenly, I was fixated on the idea of signing up for a race. And even though I really had no business attempting a thirteen mile distance, the decision ended up being one of the best I made throughout my divorce. Because doing something with a finish line has benefits well beyond the obvious.

Don’t worry if you’re not a runner. You can approach a finish line on wheels, on water or even just by walking. If that does not appeal, enroll in a course that ends with a certification. Sign up for a class that has a culminating project or presentation.  Build or create something that has a clear point where you can say you’re done. The only requirements are that it is something that takes time, commitment and sustained effort and concludes with a defined end.

Here’s what you can expect to gain once you cross your own finish line:

Positive Focus

Maintaining a good attitude is the single most important attribute during divorce. And it’s also the hardest. The goal of a finish line helps to keep your attentions turned towards something encouraging and attainable.

Confidence

The rejection and stigma associated with divorce can do a number on your self-assurance. The only way to truly build confidence is to accomplish something that you find challenging. Each step that you take towards your own finish line will be a step towards a stronger and more optimistic you.

 

Momentum

First divorce kicks you down. And then inertia keeps you down. A finish line gives you a reason to get up. Motivation to keep moving. Structure to keep you honest. And progress to keep you encouraged.

Goal Rehearsal

Many post-divorce goals feel impossibly huge – new home, new budget, somehow raising good kids and surviving single parenting and maybe even finding new love. A finish line is like life, simplified. It’s practice working towards and reaching a goal that is smaller in scope and short in duration before you tackle the bigger aspirations.

 

Revived Identity

Before the divorce, “husband” or “wife” was probably a substantial component of your identity. And now there’s a void, an opening. When you sign up for something with a finish line, you’re assuming a new identity, whether it be runner or scholar, and along the way, finding your new tribe.

Limits Unhealthy Behaviors

It’s easy to turn to destructive habits in an attempt to manage the difficult emotions that arise during divorce. The structure and accountability of a finish line offers some resistance to the pull of the next drink, another doughnut or just one more hour of Netflix.

 

Positive Transformation

Divorce changes you. You can’t stop the transformation, but you can direct it. Your efforts towards your finish line are making you stronger, more confident, more capable and more humble. Each step is one step closer to a new you. A better you.

 

 

The day of my first half-marathon dawned cold and wet. I was excited and nervous in equal measure. My body ran the first part of the race, until my limbs started to fail. Then my mind picked up and completed the event, running on pure tenacity and determination.

By the time the finish line was in sight, I was depleted. Those last few steps felt like an impossibility. Yet somehow I made it across. I turned to look back, my tears meeting the rain streaming down my face.

I made it. I was on the other side.

And in that moment, I knew I could make it to the other side of my divorce as well.

7 Reasons to Cross a Finish Line During Your Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is often a long process. Apart from assembling the required documentation, writing checks to your attorney and making the requisite trips to IKEA (where you fight with college kids over the practical and value-minded inventory), you end up spending a lot of that time simply waiting.

Waiting for your divorce to be final.

Waiting for the legal approval to make changes to your name, your accounts and maybe your living situation.

Waiting for the uncertainty and the pain to end.

And maybe even waiting to live.

 

Let’s face it – waiting sucks. Feeling helpless sucks. Feeling insecure and lost as you tentatively start your new sucks.

And you know what can help all of that suck a little less?

A finish line.

No, really.

Learn more about how a finish line can help you here.

Five Years Ago Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Five years ago today, I awoke afraid of seeing the man who had abandoned me eight months before. And when he passed me in the courthouse hall, I didn’t even recognize him.

Five years ago today, I was ready for the divorce I never wanted from the man I thought I knew.

Five years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with. A man I once considered my best friend. We never made eye contact.

Five years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none. After sixteen years, he was truly a stranger to me.

Five years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine. Hoping that the judge saw through his lies and would not fall sway to him charms. She didn’t, even asking my husband’s attorney if he was “psycho.” The lawyer could only shrug.

Five years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that it was all over. It was a relief and yet the finality was jarring.

Five years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden. I believed I couldn’t begin to heal until his malignancy had been removed.

Five years ago today, I laughed when I learned he hadn’t paid his attorney. I had warned the man my husband was a con. Maybe he believed me now.

Five years ago today, I held tightly to that decree, still believing that its declarations had power. I felt relief that he would have to pay back some of what he stole from the marriage. The relief was short lived.

Five years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman. Steps I never expected to take. The first few were shaky. But I soon started to find my stride.

Five years ago today, I sat around a restaurant table with friends and my mother. A table that had held my husband and I countless times over our marriage. We celebrated the end of the marriage that night. I had celebrated my anniversary there the year before.

Five years ago today, I read my husband’s other wife’s blog for the last time, curious if she would mention anything about the court date. She did not. I erased the URL from my history. It no longer mattered.

Five years ago today, I sealed the piles of paperwork from the divorce and the criminal proceedings into a large plastic tub. As the lid clicked in place, I felt like I was securing all of that anguish in my past.

Five years ago today, I started to wean myself off of the medication that allowed me to sleep and eat through the ordeal. I was thankful it had been there, but I no longer wanted the help.

Five years ago today, I fell asleep dreaming of hope for the future rather than experiencing nightmares of the past.

And now, five years on, I could not be happier with where I am.

Not because of the divorce.

But because losing everything made me thankful for everything.

Because being blind made me learn how to see.

Because being vulnerable created new friendships and bonds.

Because being destroyed made me defiantly want to succeed.

And because losing love made me determined to find it again.

I am happier than I’ve ever been.

And I could not be where I am without five years ago today.

When Will My Divorce Be Over?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When will my divorce be over?

It seems like such a clear-cut question, doesn’t it? Obviously, the divorce is over when the legal process is finalized and you receive a decree embossed with your local court’s seal.

But that’s only a piece of the puzzle; that’s when the state sees you as divorced. Not necessarily when you do.

Because a divorce, like a marriage, is so much more than a piece of paper.

There are certain benchmarks that you have to meet before you can relax and truly see your divorce as over. These are in no particular order because they may occur at a different point for each person. And the timeline for healing will be different for everyone.

Release of Hope

Before you can view your divorce as final, you have to first accept that your marriage is over. Maybe you’re a fixer and you are still desperately trying to patch things together. Maybe you are still in disbelief and you keep hoping that your soon-to-be-ex will change his or her mind. Or maybe you have weathered many ups and downs over the course of your marriage and you are holding on to the idea that this down will again be followed by an up. It makes sense to hold on to hope as long as possible. After all, you don’t want to discard a marriage that is still salvageable. However, it’s also important to accept that you cannot control your partner’s choices and you cannot save a marriage on your own.

Acceptance of Circumstances

Divorce changes every aspect of your life – from living situation to lifestyle. Maybe you lost money in the deal or were ordered to pay alimony. Or the judge ordered joint custody when you were hoping for full. Perhaps you were made to move out of the marital home and your suburban spread has been replaced with a run down apartment. You may feel like your current situation is not fair, that you are being made to pay for situations beyond your control. And you may be right. Divorce isn’t about fair. It’s about getting through and moving forward. And that begins with accepting where you are.

Completion of Legal Matters

Divorce may be more than a piece of paper, but the acquisition of that paper sure can be a drawn-out and expensive process. And it’s difficult (if not impossible) to feel like the divorce is over while you’re still producing documents and cutting checks to lawyers. I have such empathy for those involved (either by circumstance or state law) in a year+ process (although I didn’t always feel that way). It’s difficult living in that limbo of separation where you’re neither married nor divorced.

Construction of Framework for New Life

It’s difficult to feel a sense of completion when the old chapter may be finished but the next is still a dark void. It’s much easier to feel like the divorce is fully behind you when you have at least the basics for the next steps in your life sketched out. You don’t have to know everything about the life you want to create post-divorce as much will unfold over time, but aim for some insight. Put the energy into laying out the framework for your new life; scaffolding makes moving forward more manageable.

Tempering of Bitterness

Are you still holding on to anger towards your ex or carrying a sense of derision for relationships in general? Even if you aren’t ready to date again (or even ever want to date again), this negativity makes it difficult to put the divorce behind you. Sometimes the residual acrid emotions are our attempt to avoid facing the sadness and loss hidden beneath. Other times, the anger is our shield because we are afraid of being seen as vulnerable and weak. Much of the time anger is simply pain screaming to be heard. So listen and answer.

Easing of Fear

Much like anger, fear can serve as a tether, holding you to your divorce. It’s scary facing the world alone when you’re used to having your spouse by your side. It’s terrifying to start over when you don’t even trust that you can stand. It’s daunting to think about dating again and starting a new relationship from scratch. And it may be even scarier to imagine being alone forever. The only way to lessen fear is to face it. Once you conquer those first few “I can’ts,” you’re confidence will build until you know you can.

Restoration of Balance

There is nothing balanced about life while you’re going through a divorce. Your emotions are running the show and are frequently as well behaved as a toddler on a sugar crash. You may be eating too much or too little or just too much of the wrong stuff. Perhaps you’ve become adept at avoiding reality through alcohol or distractions. Part of regaining your life after divorce is establishing healthy habits and a balanced environment. Re-evaluate what occupies your life and remove what no longer serves you.

Ultimately, your divorce is over when you see it as something that is a part of your story, your past. It no longer defines you or limits you. It speaks of where you’ve been, not where you are going. It’s an ending, yes. But one that allows a new beginning.

Related: Happiness is Divorce in the Rearview Mirror

Lessons From the Wake

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m good at making excuses for my fears.

Damned good.

In fact, the excuses are real. I just choose to ignore the solutions.

But I’m tired of living that way.

So I refuse to anymore.

 

This past week, I had an opportunity to water ski for the first time.

Let me clarify. It was not the first opportunity in my life to water ski- I’ve had many of those over the last 20 years. It was; however, the first opportunity I chose to accept.

 

And, like all fears, it seemed so silly after it was faced and the excuses so easy to overcome.

 

And, like all fears, facing it and mastering it brought an incredible feeling of strength and potential.

My lessons that day are embedded within water skiing, but they apply to facing most any fears.

Surround Yourself With the Right People

The situation on the boat this day was perfect. I had a teacher/driver/guide/coach that I trusted and who was patient and positive. There were other skiers on the boat who had only a few more hours practice than me – watching them showed me it was possible. When you’re with the right people, you feel supported enough to take a risk.

Accept Your Weaknesses

My primary excuse for avoiding water skiing over the years was my fear of losing my (very expensive and very necessary) contact lenses. On this day, I brought a pair of swim goggles. Rather than allow a weakness to hold you back, find a way to work around it.

Learn From Your Failures

On my first attempt, I got up but then immediately fell back into the water. After a quick debriefing, I learned what I did wrong and corrected it on the next try. Failure is a teacher, not an end.

Capitalize on Your Strengths

My form was not ideal on my first, 3-minute run. But I could use my strength (literally, in this case) to make up for my lack of finesse. Your own strengths can help to balance your weaknesses. Let them.

Don’t Compare Yourself to Others

There were some VERY good skiers on the boat. I didn’t compare myself to the woman who grew up on skis. That would be silly, pointless and disheartening. I compared myself to the Lisa who always said, “No, thanks” to the offer to ski. Rather than use others as your benchmark, look to your own progress.

Prepare But Don’t Overthink

I had a boat lesson on the proper form (tight ball with skis up) and most important tip (keep your arms straight) but, once I was in the water, I silenced the brain and let the body tell me what to do. Overthinking tends to make something simple into a complicated mess.

Set Realistic Goals

For some reason, I always had a fear of water skiing. That meant that I had a bigger hurdle to overcome than many on their first attempt. Allow for your fears and create realistic expectations for you.

Celebrate Success

After my three minute ski, I crawled back onto the boat and was greeted with cheers and high fives. Allow yourself to enjoy the feeling that comes from tackling something new. It’s pretty awesome.

And finally,

Allow Yourself to Have Fun

And try not to get too much water up your nose!