Why It’s Important to Listen to Those You Disagree With

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My morning newsfeed consists of selected story types from selected publications. I then listen to one of my chosen radio stations in my car on my way to work and, if I don’t like what they’re saying, I have the option to switch to a prerecorded podcast on the topic (and perspective) of my choosing. If I decide I want more information about a breaking story, I can select the channel or website I visit to learn more, giving priority to those that align with my view. On Facebook and Twitter, I can elect to block messages from people whose perspective varies too much from my own or to simply select friends with common viewpoints.

The current media environment is in many ways wonderful. You no longer need a journalism degree or a famous last name to have your voice heard. The interactive nature allows for dialog and discussion instead of a one-way torrent of information. And the broad nature of information gathering prevents only one perspective from being gathered.

However, there is a downside to modern media. Because we have so much choice, we tend to choose voices that agree with what we have already decided to be true. And although it feels good to be validated, there is true value in listening to those you disagree with.

We develop empathy not from occupying on our shoes, but from trying on the shoes of others. When you essentially hear your own story being told time and time again, you fail to see things from another perspective. To try on another viewpoint. It’s easy to say something or somebody is “wrong” when viewed from a distant and macro perspective, but once a human face and story has been associated with it, you begin to feel more empathy for their situation, even if you still do not agree.

We develop our own ethics and beliefs not in isolation, but by considering all sides of a thing. It’s easy to conclude that a cube is green if you only view one side. Yet, once you see all sides and their hues, you then have to provide a convincing argument if you want to claim that the cube is green. Listening to opposition takes courage; you find your own ideas threatened. Yet, whatever conclusion you reach will be better and more solid for the discourse.

Listening to one side promotes “us vs them” thinking along arbitrary lines. It’s natural to classify something unfamiliar as a threat; we have evolved to see danger in strangeness. However, when we limit our surrounding only to what is comfortable, we risk viewing people as “them” when the reality is that they are really on the same side of a bigger issue, just maybe seeing it a different way. When we invite them to talk and we open ourselves to listen, we often discover similarities and realize that it’s more, “us vs something else.”

Minds are like a muscle, if we don’t use them, they become weak and inflexible. Listening to something you agree with does not challenge your brain whereas, trying to process and assimilate new information asks your brain to step it up. Look at it as the difference between practicing addition and learning to perform calculus. It’s easier to stay closed, but more rewarding to do the work to create an opening and questioning mind.

When you engage respectfully with people you disagree with, you learn to regulate your emotional response. I’m all for sensitivity, but I’m also for personal responsibility. It’s your job to learn to hear things you may find offensive or short-sighted and keep your emotional response in check. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, but I’m also saying you can’t expect others to tiptoe around your beliefs.

Listening to other viewpoints keeps your ego in check. You’re not right about everything. Nobody is. Yet if you live in an echo chamber of beliefs, you can start to believe that your perspective is somehow the “right” one and the other people are simply idiots for feeling the way they do. Be brave enough to question and even revise your own conclusions.

When you listen to people who disagree with you, you begin to develop an appreciation for our differences and you gain tolerance for those who have different beliefs. Even though I don’t understand how some people think, I’m glad we don’t all think the same. The world and our place in it is much richer for our differences.

My challenge for you today – listen to one station or podcast, watch one show or read one article that comes from a perspective different than your own. Rather than approach from a mindset of proving yourself right, undertake the exercise with a curious mind – “What can I learn today by listening to somebody who doesn’t agree with me?”

Why the First Reaction Is Often Not The Real Reaction

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“What am I going to tell my mom?” were the first, shameful words out of my mouth when I learned my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend was pregnant.

I was 14. He was 16. We had only been dating a few weeks. I was still years away from being ready to be sexually active. He welcomed that because he had felt pressured to have sex in his previous relationship.

There was no infidelity involved; the conception had occurred towards the end of their relationship and before ours began.

So really, the news had nothing to do with me.

But that wasn’t my initial reaction.

I had been put on birth control pills a few months prior to manage painful cycles and I was afraid that doctors (and others) would assume that they were also (or even only) desired in an attempt to prevent pregnancy.

And in that moment, my reactive brain thought that this evidence that my boyfriend had been sexually active before me would lead people to assume that he had been sexually with me.

And in that moment, I said something I shouldn’t.

My boyfriend looked shocked. Hurt.

And rightfully so.

It took some time, for him to recover from my misstep and for me to process the news, but eventually I responded with the compassion that I really felt and he realized that my first reaction wasn’t my real reaction.

The first reaction upon hearing big news is impulsive, bypassing any usual filters and mental processing. The initial response is most likely selfish because that is where our thoughts go when controlled by our more primal and reptilian brain. Those opening words are spoken by fear, untamed by rational thought and often amplified by shock.

And those words are frequently a blow to the person who spent time and energy gearing up for this conversation. They may have spent countless hours dissecting their message and carefully selecting the right words with which to deliver it.

Only to be struck with the hammer of the first reaction.

But the first reaction is rarely the real reaction.

If you’re preparing to deliver big news,

  • Remind yourself before the conversation that you’ve had hours/days/years to process this information and that it is brand new (and perhaps a huge surprise) to the person you’re telling.
  • Try to find a way to phrase things so that the information is more of a ramp and less being slammed into a brick wall. This may take more than one conversation.
  • Prepare yourself ahead of time that the recipient of the news may respond poorly. Inappropriately. Even painfully. A little reminder ahead of time can help you not take it personally in the moment.
  • Be patient. Don’t make any major decisions based upon the person’s initial reaction. Give them some time and some space to deal with this on their own before they’re ready to deal with it with you.
  • Gather your support ahead of time, whether this is a person who already knows and has processed the information or simply a favorite walking path. The person just hearing the news won’t be able to be your support person immediately. Don’t expect that of them.

If you’re reciving big news,

  • Breathe. Be aware of your physical responses and work to regulate them. Your fight or flight response has probably been triggered. But you don’t need to do either just yet.
  • Realize that when information is new and unexpected, it is not understood and our brains often catastrophize it just in case. The way you feel about it right now is not the way you will feel about it tomorrow.
  • If you say something you don’t mean, apologize. Sincerly. And then stop talking. The other person has a built-up need to talk right now and your job is to listen and work towards trying to understand what you’re hearing.
  • Understand that a lack of a response in that moment is not an expression of acceptance or approval of the information. Communicate that you need more time to think about this. And then follow up.
  • Remember that no matter how hard this news is to hear, it’s better to have it on the table than covered and rotting beneath the floor. Now you know and now you can process your real reaction.

 

Pin the Tail on the Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s rare that a news story makes me angry. But this one managed to get under my skin and infuriate me.

A teacher in California has been fired after her abusive and threatening ex husband showed up at her school, violating his restraining order. The school was forced to go into lockdown until the ex was apprehended by police.

After the incident, the private school put her on leave (and removed her children from the school) and refused to issue her a contract for the next school year. They cite their fears of the potential threat that the ex has to the students and faculty of the school once he is released from jail.

Deep breath.

I get the fear. It is extremely frightening to have an unstable person show up at the school, threatening students and faculty. I know. I’ve been there.

I’ve been there with the biological father with no parental rights shows up and tries to kidnap his daughter from the school cafeteria.

I’ve been there when the parent lashes out at the child in a conference, breaking his arm.

I’ve been there when the mom comes in to change the address of record to a battered women’s shelter and files the paperwork to remove the father from the approved pick up list.

I’ve been there as one who had to alert her principal to the possibility of an unstable ex showing up at the school. I felt so embarrassed and so ashamed having to tell my principal about my marital issues and making sure that the front office staff knew his name and what he looked like.

Schools are large organizations with hundreds if not thousands of people that come from all types of backgrounds. It’s only logical that domestic situations sometimes bleed into the school. It is a romantic notion to think that we can insulate our schools from this sort of episode, but unless we remove all of the people – faculty and students – from the school, it is an impossibility.

From everything we know about this particular story, the teacher did everything right. She divorced him, secured a restraining order and alerted the school when he threatened to approach her there.

Yet the school pinned the tail on her.

I worry about the message implied in the school’s response. It may encourage the abused to not seek help. To stay quiet. To stay a victim. By firing her, the school reinforced the ex husband’s power. They may have gussied up their threats on letterhead and refrained from foul language, but they are just as abusive by punishing someone asking for help.

It’s time to stop blaming those who try to get out. To get help. To speak out. Let’s pin the tail on the real asses.

 

I Have Something in Common With Katy Perry???

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m old. My students remind me of that every day when they discuss current actors and musicians and I find myself asking, “Who?” As a result of my advanced age and general ignorance of pop culture, I have been largely unaware of Katy Perry. I know her for her bras – there was that one peppermint swirly thingy one and then something about one being too risqué for Sesame Street. I am sure that I would recognize some of her hits, yet I cannot name a single title. I could only pick her out of a lineup if she was wearing the above-mentioned peppermint (flavored?) bra.

English: Katy Perry at MTV Video Music Awards ...
English: Katy Perry at MTV Video Music Awards 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So imagine my shock this morning when the headlines announced that Katy and I are twins in a way. It turns out that her ex husband, Russell Brand, dumped her via text as well and she has not heard from him since. Wow. Sometimes I really do wonder if there is some secret, black market how-to book out there that these people follow (Slimeball For Dummies?).

It’s weird. I never expected to feel a kinship with Katie. After all, she’s 7 years my junior, can sing and has cleavage.

But upon reading that story this morning, I now feel a bond with Katy. I can imagine the shock she felt as she innocently picked up her phone upon the tone that announced an incoming text and read the words from her husband that indicated the end. I can picture her hand trembling as she read and reread the message, trying to gain some understanding of the incomprehensible. I can imagine the panicked thoughts and perhaps messages as she tried to reach out to him and assure herself that it was just some terrible misunderstanding. I can empathize with the growing horror she may have felt as the minutes, hours and then days passed with no further contact. I can sympathize with the anger that seeped in as she realizes that he stole her voice when he chose to exit without allowing for the dignity of a conversation. I can imagine the difficulties she may have finding closure from a marriage that ended in a tsunami.

So, Katy, here’s a great big internet hug for you. I am sorry that I don’t know you as an artist but I now feel like I know you as a woman.

The Day the Marriage Died

When Is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Home on the Range

Posted on by stilllearning2b

UNDER THE TEXAS SKY

I grew up in Texas.

The trucks in my high school’s parking lot were adorned with gun racks. Animal control had to be called to our neighborhood to capture baby wild boars that our neighbor had housed in his garage when he accidentally shot their mother. It turns out that wooden doors are no match even for a young boar. Venison was a common addition to the lunch boxes in the school cafeteria. Gun cabinets were viewed as essential furniture, their importance falling in place somewhere between a sofa and a table.

I grew up in Texas but I guess you could say Texas didn’t grow up in me.

My parents were more hippie than cowboy. I was raised in a peace-loving anti-gun household. I developed a wariness of guns. I stayed far away from them and felt anxious if one was in sight.  This was a problem since it was Texas. Most of those gun cabinets in my friend’s homes? Yeah, glass fronts to show off the weaponry. I wasn’t fearful of all weapons. After all, I did become a fencer. But guns triggered (sorry, couldn’t resist) a fear in me that I chose not to confront.

Hippies Use Side Door
Yup. We had one of these but ours was blue.

And then I met Brock. My fiance is ex-army. He grew comfortable with shooting during his service. Since then, he has taken several gun  courses to improve his tactical training and to supplement what he practices/teaches with sticks and knives. He is good with a gun – he can send the target to the back of the range and when it returns, it will have a tight circle of holes in an intended area. He never pushed me, but he wanted me to become more comfortable around firearms. I agreed. I knew that my fear stemmed from ignorance. I also was in the early stages of confronting my fears, and this seemed like a natural step.

If my mom has read up to this point, she is probably shaking her head and wondering where I went wrong. Sorry, mom:) You may not want to read the rest…

Shooting Range

For the first year we were together, my exposure therapy was simply watching him clean his weapon after returning from the range and handling an unloaded gun. Last year, I took my first trip to the range. I was nervous, but mainly curious, as I stood in the lobby/viewing area watching the shooters behind the layers of bullet proof glass. I was okay while I slipped on my hearing protection and safety glasses. I was fine until I opened that second door that led into the range and my body reverberated with the sound of a shot. It was visceral. My body startled and shook with every blast. It elicited a primal fear in me. I wanted to exit that door and never look back.

But I stayed. My whole life, I have been wound tight, jumping at noises and physically reacting to stressors. When I experienced so much loss from deaths in high school and trauma from the divorce, this tendency was heightened. I realized that the range was a huge desensitization opportunity – a time for me to be exposed to a sound and feeling that scared me yet carried no negative repercussions. I just stood there against the back wall for a time, watching and listening, still jumping at every discharge. And then Brock motioned me up to the booth.

He showed me how to tell that the weapon was unloaded and had me dry fire a few times to get used to the grip. He then helped me load it and coached me on how to breathe and fire. My mind emptied as I pulled the trigger for the first time. The recoil, although I knew it was coming, still surprised me. I reset and slowly shot the remaining 7 rounds. I don’t think I ever even made the paper target dance, but that was okay.

Yesterday was my third trip to the range, this time with a gun that is sized more for me. The sounds of the range barely bother me now, but I still struggle with relaxing while I shoot. I have a tendency to pull the barrel up as I depress the trigger. Interestingly, this only happens when the weapon is loaded.

I am reacting out of anticipation rather than reality. Yup. Still learning that one.

By the end of the session, I was starting to find the balance between a secure grip and an overly tight one. I was learning how to hold on and relax at the same time. I am still no sharpshooter, but at least more of my rounds hit my target rather than the ones next to me. I am still not comfortable with guns but they no longer have power over me in the same way. By facing my fear, I have gained some control over my reactions. I’ll never be a marksman and I’ll never have a gun rack in my car, but I also feel like I don’t have to avoid guns altogether. Not everything has to be all or none.

So, I guess now that the girl has moved out of Texas, a little bit of Texas has moved into the girl. You probably still won’t want to call on me in the event of a zombie apocalypse, however. I’ll leave that one to those who can actually hit the target:)

TARGET: ZOMBIE!

A quick note on gun control:

There are some who feel that the solution to society’s ills is to arm everybody. Others believe that the answer is found in disarming everyone. The reality? Neither option is a panacea and both are reactions born of fear. We want to control the bad things that happen. But the reality is that we cannot. And that is often scarier than any gun could ever be. There are no easy answers and there are no quick fixes. But I think we can all benefit from recognizing and confronting our fears rather than allowing them to speak for us.