Coat your negative thoughts with Teflon and let them slide right through.
Wrap your positive thoughts in grip tape and let them stay.
Labels
In the early months of the divorce, I was obsessed with labels. I needed to be able to classify everything, to make sense of the nonsensical. It reminded me of a time when I was a kid. My parents bought this little label maker that would print out stickers of what you typed. I spent a day labeling everything in sight before the cost of the sticky paper brought my challenge to an end.
Most of my labeling energies went towards my ex. Was he a narcissist, indifferent to those around him, viewing me as merely an object. Was he an addict, as we found out after he left that he had been hiding alcohol consumption. Perhaps he could be a sociopath, devoid of any sense of right or wrong. Maybe he was depressive, and unable to make clear decisions. Of course, he could just be a jerk. Each of these labels had evidence to support their application, but there was also evidence against it. I went round and round, sure that if I just knew what to call it, I would find understanding.
I fought against the labels that may have been applied to me by my psychiatrist. Each visit, biweekly at first, she would ask me if I was suicidal. I bristled at the thought that she contemplated applying that label to me. Each visit, I denied it vehemently, hoping that my insistence would keep that word from my file.
Even the divorce itself had labels. I was the one to file, as he just planned to run away. Originally, I was going to do a divorce by publication, as we did not know where he was. That progressed to a no-fault divorce once I found him, but before we knew of the bigamy. The bigamy changed the label again to a fault divorce.
None of these labels mattered. My ex is who he is, regardless of what I call him. My psychiatrist supported me with the medication I needed no matter the words she wrote on my file. And divorce is horrendous, despite the category it falls under. Just like those sticky labels I applied as a kid, labels can be applied, removed, and reapplied without changing the object beneath. Apart from a little residue, that is.
Mindset at the Outset
There are some days where I should have a great run: my legs are fresh, I’m rested, my breathing is clear, and the weather is perfect. Yet, on some of these days, each step is a supreme effort and my body, which was feeling powerful moments before, feels like a car with no power steering.
There are some days where I should have a tough run; my legs are fatigued, I’m tired, I’m wheezy or congested, and the weather is either freezing and windy or hot, humid and still. Yet, on some of these days, I fly through the run, aware of my body executing each step almost effortlessly.
The determining factor in the run is not the physical (rest, fatigue) nor the external (weather). The critical component is my mindset at the outset. If I begin with the thought that the run is something to get through or the fear that I may not make my distance and/or time goal for the day, I struggle with the effort. However, if I go into the run accepting the current state of things and just looking to explore what I am capable of, I often surprise myself with what I can accomplish.
Think about how you approach different challenges or even each day in your life. Are you “getting through” or “exploring what can be”? What is your mindset at the outset?
Rest Day
As you can see, my dog has mastered the rest day. I, on the other hand, am still learning.
I am most familiar with the concept of a rest day as it relates to exercise; don’t work the same muscle group on consecutive days and build in at least one day a week with little to no vigorous activity to let the body rest and heal. I used to completely ignore this advice. After all, if 5 days in the gym is good, then 7 is better, right? My younger body let me get away with that, but it has now decided to not be so forgiving. If I push too hard for too long without a respite, I get sick. Injured. Anxious. Irritable. Sleepless. And, the progress in the gym or on the running trails stops or even reverses. My body simply throws itself on the ground like a three year in the midst of tantrum and says, “I refuse to go any further.”
Without rest, that is.
The mind needs rest too. It’s protestations can be more subtle than the body’s: general malaise, feeling down, irritability, uncontrolled eating, trouble sleeping. All of those can be signs that you have been pushing too hard for loo long without a respite. Even when in crisis mode, it is critical to take a breather every now and again. Sometimes the most growth occurs when we back off a bit and simply take a rest day.
You Are Not Your Divorce
Our traumas help to form us, but we do have to let them define us. You are not what happened to you. You are not your suffering. The first step in healing is taking ownership of your reactions and choosing to respond in a manner which will help you let go of the past.
You will always see the event as a delineation in your memories; there is a “you” before and a different “you” after that has been changed by the trauma. When you become stuck, you view the repercussions of the event as malevolent and place the responsibility for the changed self on the event.
It happened. It hurt. It changed you. By letting it define you, you simply give it more power. You have the ability to create beauty out of the pain.
One of the most powerful images I held in my mind during my divorce was that of how I handled a fallen tree in my garden. I had a large tree come down in an area where I had cultivated a beautiful woodland garden. Those delicate plants were now exposed to the harsh midday sun and would not survive. I mourned the loss of the area for a day or so and then I went to work. I dug up and moved all of the shade-lovers and replanted them in new areas that would still give them the shelter they needed. I then loaded up my car with sun-loving plants from the nursery (yes, this was the fun part!) that I never had space for before. I was able to create a new, different, but even more beautiful garden where the tree had fallen.
Are you letting your divorce define you? Do you give it (or your ex) the power to control your life now? This is a choice and you can change your mind.
Consciously Choosing to Move Forward.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 