If You’re Going to Get Married Illegally, Be Sure to Pay the Band

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Family Guy: It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Ma...
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One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.”  He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.

In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly.  My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage.  I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear.  He thought wrong.  Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.

First, let me clarify.  The text was abrupt.  Sudden.  The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good.  He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left.  He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school).  The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed.  It made no sense.

So, I immediately went into detective mode.  By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years.  I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over).  It gave some answers.  He emails gave the rest.  Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.

It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through.  This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress.  Interesting.  Seemed like he was running.

The big shocker came three days after that.  A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of.  It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying.  It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at.  His wedding.

Oops.

That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.

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UrbanArtMusicalEnsembles.DCS.WDC.28jul08 (Photo credit: ElvertBarnes)

 

Lesson 1: Don’t underestimate yourself; you are capable of more than you ever know.

Lesson 2: Don’t run away from your fears; they grow more powerful when ignored.

Lesson 3: If you’re going to get married illegally, be sure to pay the band.

It’s Not Alphabetical, But “Me” Comes Before “Marriage”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses.  Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being.  The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation.  Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?

Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.

Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed.  We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another.  In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:

How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?

How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?

How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?

How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?

How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?

How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?

How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?

So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.

Dear Ms. Manners: The Etiquette of Bigamy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Defenders of Marriage
Defenders of Marriage (Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)

Like most people, I never though much about bigamy.  If pressed on the issue, I would have mentioned Showtime’s Big Love, where one man has several wives and they operate as a single family.  When bigamy entered into my life, it was so absurd, so out there, that the only way that I could respond was with humor.  Because bigamy is not normally discussed in polite company, I had some issues arise that I wasn’t sure how to handle gracefully.

There was an 8 month period that the two of us were married to my ex.  During this time, I referred to her as, “my husband’s wife.” This was wordy and awkward, and caused eyebrows to furrow in confusion.  I needed a more direct and concise way to refer to her.  I propose (no, not THAT kind of propose!) that we create the term, “wife-in-law” or “husband-in-law” to describe a spouse’s new spouse.  Which I guess now makes her my ex-wife-in-law.  And, if they are divorced, my ex-ex-wife-in-law.  Damn. Wordy again.

Is it strange that I felt a bit slighted that I was not invited to their wedding?  My understanding is that it is rude  to invite one partner in a marriage and not the other to a co-ed event.  It would have been even funnier if the invitation was addressed in the formal manner: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Husband’s Name.  It could get a bit confusing.

As it was, I didn’t find out about the wedding until a few days after it occurred.  Then, I was left with the dilemma of a wedding gift.  Is one obligated to purchase a gift for a spouse’s wedding?  Or, did the fact that my paycheck purchase their wedding rings count as a gift?  Maybe a congratulations card?  Or, in this case, a condolence card to her?

You see, it all gets so confusing.

In all seriousness, I was glad to discover that he solidified the relationship with a felony.  Unlike many caught in the crazy world of divorce, where one partner lies and manipulates the system to try to harm the other, creating an endless he-said, she-said, I had proof that my husband lied.  I had irrefutable evidence of infidelity.  I had a mugshot and a felony charge to support my case.  I am thankful for all of that, but I am sorry that my ex-wife-in-law became another of his victims.  I hope that she, too, has learned lessons from her marriage.

The Importance of Love Mentors

Posted on by stilllearning2b

RelationshipsI have always tried to surround myself with mentors to help me grow in the various areas of my life.  I have people I look towards to help me improve as a teacher, others that help me move towards my wellness aspirations, and yet others I turn to for practical advice.  As my divorce unfolded, I realized I had an opening for a new type of coach:  a love mentor.

One of the happy side effects of undergoing a major life transition is that people feel comfortable sharing their own stories.  As I began to hear some of the love and marriage stories from the people in my life, I was shocked to find that many of them had been through divorce and love trauma in a former, yet unrevealed, life.  I heard the stories of betrayal, loss, and despair, yet I could look at their lives, filled with joy and, in many cases, a new relationship that had persisted over many years.

In those dark days when I wondered if I could ever love again, I found inspiration from my love mentors.  When I felt discouraged that I spent 16 years heading to a dead end, I gazed upon the decades many of them had spent with their new loves.  I saw how love could look different that what I had known, but still be beautiful.  I heard about the challenges and joys in second marriages.  My love mentors helped me find wisdom and hope through their stories.

Marriage 2.0

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Today's error message
Today's error message (Photo credit: cowbite)

It turns out the first edition had a fatal operating error.  The good news is that I get to have a hand in designing the update.  Still in beta testing…