Use Your Words

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I like to read advice columns and forums where people seek guidance and direction. It’s interesting to find where people struggle and comforting to find the universal life themes interwoven in many of the dilemmas.

But there is one common theme I don’t quite understand – asking a stranger a question that you really need to ask your partner.

 

“Would my partner be okay with…”

“Would my partner be upset if I…”

“How will my partner react if…”

“How will my partner feel…”

 

Now, I get it. Some conversations are difficult to have. It is scary to ask your partner an emotionally-charged question when you may not like the answer. It’s a leap of faith that your bond is greater than your bombshell. It’s trust that you can survive opening your mouth and exposing your heart. It’s courage to say what needs to be said even if the fallout causes pain.

For some people, initiating a conversation, even a difficult one, is no big deal.

I’m not one of those people.

I don’t like conflict.

I don’t like to disappoint.

And I don’t like to stir the pot.

But sometimes, that pot needs to be stirred.

Even overturned.

Here are some of the strategies I have developed over the years to make those difficult conversations just a little bit easier:

Test the Waters

It’s okay to put a toe in first. There’s no rule that says a conversation has to entered with a full-on cannonball. Rather than laying out the whole ordeal, reveal just a snippet. Or express the scenario as happening to someone else. Gauge the reaction. Gather data. Back up and try again. Plan your approach better this time. You can initiate the conversation in drops rather than a deluge.

Write it Out

If you are fearful of your partner’s reaction (or your response to your partner’s reaction) or if you are concerned that you may not choose the right words in the moment, write your side of the conversation to your partner. Not a text. Or a Facebook message. But a letter. Or email. Be thoughtful in your word choice and in your timing. Your intent is to start a dialog, not a war.

Move Forward

There’s something about forward progress and lack of eye contact that makes discussion easier and less threatening. Plan your talk for a drive. Or a walk. Or a hike. Probably not a run though, unless you want to pass out from lack of oxygen.

Talk to Yourself

Have the conversation with yourself first. Practice. Refine your goal and your approach. Set a time limit for your rehearsal; if you take too long to contemplate before you speak, you’ll soon fall into rumination and only intensify your fear.

Table it For Now

It’s okay to start the conversation and then leave it for a while. Much like baking bread, sometimes a topic needs to rest to help it fully rise. Don’t let this be an excuse to ignore the difficult topic; make a commitment to revisit it in a day. A week. Or a month.

Bring Your E.Q.

That’s emotional intelligence for those of you that didn’t grow up surrounded by self-help books🙂 Bring an awareness of yourself and leave your defensiveness behind. Understand your triggers and be receptive to the idea that you may be reacting (or overreacting) to the past rather than the present.  Be mindful of your partner’s past and triggers and their impact on the now. Consider the possessing speed that both you and your partner have; it may take some time for the real responses to emerge.

Use a Candle

No, really.

Be Ready to Listen

It’s easy to get so caught up in thinking through what you want to say (especially if you’re nervous or emotional), that you forget to listen. It’s not all about you; be attentive to your partner’s responses.

 

Sometimes there’s a feeling that if we keep it inside, we keep it safe. But holding on to something you need you say only feeds it with your own fears and distress. And allows it to grow.

“We need to talk” isn’t an invitation to a torture chamber.

It’s part of a healthy, growing and evolving relationship.

Dear Abby may give good advice.

But she can’t have the conversation for you.

Use your words.

 

 

 

 

Mythical Thinking About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the more fun aspects of blogging is the record of what you were doing and thinking at various points in your past. Some of my posts can still make me smile or cry. Some are funny to read to see the progress in my writing and my mindset over the years. And some? Well, some are just plain embarrassing:)

I recently unearthed one of my first posts from January 2012. I was so new, I even approved an obvious spam comment on the original post just because I was so excited to have someone, even if it was a bot, comment on my page. Even though I was a neophyte at the time, I still find some good points in this post. See what you think.

Oh, and if you’re a spam bot, don’t waste your time trying to comment. I’m smarter now:)

 

Myths…or Mythical Thinking

The article, 3 Myths About Happy Marriages on PsychCentral introduced myths that are based on the work of John Gottman, Ph.D and his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I think these myths, although possessing some truth, are a bit of a slippery slope.

Myth 1: Better Communication Will Not Save Your Marriage

If the marriage is on rocky footing, talking will not bring in the rescue copters.  And, as the article states, it is difficult to remain calm and rational in the midst of a perceived attack (I know those “I” statements well, after growing up with a counselor for a mom, and even I can’t maintain that poise in a heated discussion).  My concern comes from the implication that communication is not important;  that a marriage can exist in the spaces between withheld information.  I cannot work well with a coworker when there is not adequate communication; I’m not sure how a marriage is supposed to thrive.

Myth 2: Avoiding Conflict Will Kill Your Marraige

Not every need can be expected to be met, and sometimes conflict is just because of a grouchy mood,but there is a danger to not addressing legitimate concerns.  In retrospect, I realize that my marriage was conflict-avoidant; I tended to shy away from problems due to anxiety and my ex-husband refrained from conflict in order to not trigger my anxiety.   As a result, the problems grew too large for anyone to face.

Myth 3: Reciprocity Underlies Happy Marriages

I once knew a couple who kept a scorecard on the fridge to keep track of the “he dids” and “she dids.”  I don’t think they were very happy!  However, I do think reciprocity is essential in a marriage  in terms of mutual respect, and that this respect takes the form of acts of service or kindness for the other person.  Tallies shouldn’t have to be drawn, but each person should be operating with the other in mind.

All marriages are different (my current relationship is quite unlike my marriage in many ways), but I think that each of these myths has a place in a healthy relationship.

What You See Is What You Get

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So I woke up feeling better this morning.

Better, that is, until this happened.

photo-43

 

I was standing at the large window by the table and my husband was in the driveway beyond the deck when the tree gave up and came crashing down. We were lucky. Everyone, including Tiger, was safe. The damage only to wood and metal, not flesh and bone.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m still a bit shaken up. It’s scary when glass explodes in front of your face and wood screams as it splinters. It’s frightening and disorienting when your house trembles under a cloudless sky. My breathing is still a little shallow. My heart a little rapid.

But more than anything, I’m thankful. Thankful that everyone is okay and that the damage can be repaired by carpenters rather than surgeons.

 

As with anything in life, what you see is what you get. If you look at a situation and see only the negative, that is what will stand out. If, however, you are able to see the blessings and potential within, the entire situation feels more positive. More doable.

The video below is one of the most inspiring examples I have ever seen of someone seeing and maximizing potential rather than focusing on the limitations.

Watch.

Be inspired.

And bring some tissues.

 

 

Now look around your life. What you see is what you get. What will you see today?

 

I Want You to Want Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My kids this year are great – happy, funny and generous. Unfortunately, they’re also generous with their germs. Thursday night, those lovely little bugs finally got the best of me and led to a feverish Friday on the couch. My mind was too scrambled to focus on a book, so I ended up reading through the thousands of posts backlogged on my Feedly reader. And, as so often happens on the internets, one click led to another and another.

Until I ended up here on Penelope Trunk’s blog (possible trigger warning – domestic violence).

I’ve subscribed to her blog for years through my RSS reader, but only read the occasional post. I thought she was all about business and start-ups.

She’s not.

The post in question made me very uncomfortable. In it, she displays a picture with a bruise on her hip and tells an accompanying story about her husband shoving her into the bedpost. She is writing from a hotel room with her two kids, where she has sought refuge for the night.

But she doesn’t want to leave him. In fact, she claims in another post that domestic violence is a question of boundaries and that the abused can alter the dynamic alone. Like with so many inflammatory statements, there is a sliver of truth. There are patterns that tend to be in play that lead someone into an abusive relationship. And those (usually childhood) issues have to be addressed for that person to be in a healthy relationship. But, and here’s where my view differs, the first boundary that has to be enforced is getting away from the abuser. And then work on yourself. Get safe first (and get your kids safe) and then get healthy.

Her last sentence in the bruise post seemed to explain it all:

“That’s why I can’t leave. I want someone to miss me.”

Ah, now that’s a sentiment I think we all can understand in some form.

It’s human nature to want to be wanted. From being an early pick for the kickball game in elementary school to being tagged on Facebook from a friend, we all get a little thrill when we are chosen and feel the sting of rejection when we are not.

It’s natural. We’ve evolved to thrive in a community and, at the most basic evolutionary level, those that are not included are less likely to thrive as they struggle alone on the outskirts.

But as is so often the case, a basic drive can also go haywire. We can be so focused on being wanted that we ignore our basic safety and our own boundaries and beliefs. We can twist ourselves into parodies, subvert our true nature or ignore red flags just to save our spot as a chosen one.

The pain of rejection is real. And it is powerful.

But sometimes the pain incurred by avoiding rejection may be even worse.

Especially when you’re rejecting yourself in hopes of being accepted and desired by another.

 

We all want to be wanted.

But don’t compromise yourself just to be picked.

And make sure you’re wanted for who you are.

Because who you are is enough.

I’d pick you for my team any day:)

 

 

Character Assassination

Posted on by stilllearning2b
character assassination

I didn’t like reading how many of you relate to being gaslighted. It’s one of those areas that I know for me is still tender. There is much un-probed because it hurts too much to counter often-good memories with the knowledge of the duplicity and lies. And I finally realized that the daunting task of separating the strands of truth from the pot of lies is pointless. Even though I now know otherwise, I have chosen to find comfort in the fact that it was real enough to me at the time and that’s all that matters.

But that only works with the personal gaslighting, the stories told to me to keep me placid and distracted.

 

It doesn’t work with the external assault. The character assassination that carried nefarious seeds far and wide. That requires a different approach.

 

For much of our time in Atlanta, my then-husband and I were estranged from his parents by his choice. Over the years, we had many families “adopt” us for holidays and get-togethers, but one always stood out. The husband-wife owners of my husband’s company welcomed us into their family. We were at Christmas and birthdays. The kids and grandkids accepted us.  We knew them as friends as well as employers. I loved the time with them and always appreciated the inclusion.

A few months before he left, my then-husband took a job with another company. It made the relationship with the family a little strange but we still kept in touch.

In the immediate aftermath of his abandonment, I did not think of them. Until a few days in when I found a note from the wife on my mailbox with instructions to call.

I picked up the phone expecting to hear shock and horror – the emotions expressed by everyone else I knew when they tried to digest the news. Instead, I got a more distant and guarded message. Condolences mixed with a dash of “well, what did you expect?”

I was shocked. Almost speechless. I asked what she meant. And heard about stories that my then-husband told at work. Tales of my cheating exploits, complete with a vivid story of walking in on me in his office with a man. Claims of staying late at work to avoid me and my wrath.

He painted a picture of a horrible wife, a victimized husband and a marriage in peril.

This from the man that kissed me tenderly every night.

This from the man who knew where I was at all times because I was rarely anywhere but work, school or home.

This from the man that couldn’t keep his hands off me and bemoaned when work kept him away.

For years, I thought this family was my family.

But they never even knew me.

Because my monthly or so visits could never compete with his daily fictions.

I was too confused and surprised on the phone that day to try to defend myself. Defeated and wounded, I simply hung up after muttering something in response to her request to keep her in the loop and ask for help if I needed it.

I never did call her back.

And I never will.

 

There are so many tears that come from this. I’m horrified that he was intentionally darkening my character for years. It’s hard not to wonder for how long. I’m embarrassed that people thought I was unfaithful and shrewish. And I’m sad that I lost these friends and others, as I chose to simply cut off those he had access to rather than to try to vindicate myself against his stories. Although I was tempted to send them a copy of his mugshot:)

He was telling them stories to cover his tracks. He was creating a fiction in his mind to defend his actions, both past and future. Perhaps he was desperate to see himself as the good guy so that he could temper any guilt. I’ll never know.

Much like I chose to walk away and cut my losses from the financial deception, I made the decision to leave those friendships behind. Some damage is too great to repair.

 

So, what’s the lesson in all this?

I know I first started to trust Brock when he actually encouraged me to have time around his friends without him there. It made me realize how my ex carefully negotiated my encounters with his friends.

I know I’ve had to let go of the concern of what people may believe about me and focus on what I know about me.

I know that realizing how my ex lived one way with me and another with others helped me realize that he was not the man I loved.

And I know that I’ve made many, many new friends who know me. The real me.

And that in the end, the only character he assassinated was his own.