We Are the Sum of Our Experiences

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As I mentioned recently, I’m in the early stages of making a major change in my life. This early stage of not-knowing is uncomfortable and so my inclination is to quickly make a decision so that I can disguise my anxiety about the uncertainty as busyness towards the goal.

To help fight that tendency, I’m setting goals for each of the next few months that force me to stay in this open-and-curious and also scared-shitless stage. My goal for January (which I actually started a few weeks ago) was to listen – to myself and to others.

And it’s been eye-opening. First, I’ve had to be very careful with myself as my discomfort with not-knowing has made me prone to all-too-quickly agreeing with the confident wisdom contributed by others.

Secondly, I’ve had to become very cognizant of the filters that the offered wisdom has percolated through before it has reached my eyes or ears.

When it comes to life, we are what we have experienced. This results in the following truisms that become important when we relate to other people:

 

  1. Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

  2. Everybody responds from their own experiences.

  3. Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

At some point, all of us have sat through a 6th grade math class. Yet, if I asked each of you to reflect on that class, what it made you feel like and what role it has played in your life, I would receive thousands of different responses.

Were you confident in math or was it a subject that always made you feel like you were lacking? Or, did you excel in elementary school and started to have doubts about your ability creep in during 6th grade? Was your teacher encouraging or a bully? Were you at a new school or surrounded by lifelong friends? Was school a respite from a horrible home life or a place that filled you with dread?

 

Everybody responds from their own experiences.

Think about how that experience will shape your mindset as you prepare to meet your own child’s 6th grade math teacher. Even though your kid may be very different than you were at that age, your experiences are going to impact what advice and feedback you deliver to them. Some of that advice may me pertinent to your child and the situation at hand, and other suggestions may be misinformed because they are a response to your experiences, not your child’s. Yet no matter how much you try to relate to your child only from the present, you cannot erase your own experience. In a very real way, it’s what you know.

 

Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Even in a school reunion, where everybody is reflecting on the same teacher and the same class, each person will remember something slightly different. One may recall the taunting afternoon sunlight that always distracted them from the instruction while another student, who sat out of view of the window, has no recollection of the time of day the class was held. One may recount the joy of being challenged by the Problem Of the Week while another remembers those same problems as a source of anxiety and dis-inspiration. Just as one former student shouts out, “She was the best teacher ever!” another announces, “That teacher made me think I was stupid.”

And all of those experiences are simultaneously correct. Just because one student hated the class, does not mean that the teacher was ineffective. That class may have been a turning point for one student and a completely forgettable class for another. One person’s experience has no bearing on another’s.

 

Experiences depend upon two characteristics: perspective and connections.

 

Perspective

Even when we share an experience with others, we all have our own perspective of the event. The perspective is formed based on our relationship to the experience.

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Connections

No experience exists in isolation. We are not blank slates; we come into every experience with our past – even our distant past – setting up certain expectations. Whatever is occurring concurrent with the experience will inevitably alter its greater meaning. Even what happens after can change an experience as you re-evaluate in light of new information.

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So what does this mean?

  • Don’t expect that other people are experiencing the same thing you are even if the external situation is the same.

 

  • Avoid assuming that your experience is identical to theirs and expecting that what worked for you will automatically work for them. We all have different perspectives and assign different meaning to experiences.

 

  • When you feel misunderstood, take a moment and remember that they are responding from their experience. It’s not a matter of them not wanting to understand you; it’s a matter of a different frame of reference.

 

  • Listening is perhaps the biggest gift we can give another.

 

  • Empathy is important in relating to others, yet it also has its limitations. We can imagine what something is like, but it’s important to know that the imagined is not the same as the reality.

 

  • We tend to feel defensive when we feel like somebody’s experience is threatening our own. Remember that both experiences can be true at the same time.

 

  • Be careful with the stories you tell yourself around your experiences. Going back to the 6th grade math class, a student that struggled could hold on to the belief that they’re dumb and bad at math or they could choose to see that as an assumption to be challenged and work to prove it wrong.

 

  • We learn from others, even – maybe especially – when their experiences are different than our own.

Challenging Fears

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’m the in clarity-seeking and courage-building phase of a major life change. And like any change, it’s scary. Especially in that wind-up to the actual leap.

I’m very aware that I need to manage this anxiety around the transition, otherwise it will keep be stuck in the same place that is sending me clear signals that’s time for change. But it’s time to replace words with actions. To stop making empty promises to myself and start making decisions.

And it all starts by confronting my fears.

My fears are lying to me, telling me the following –

It’s not that bad.

I can’t do anything differently.

The transition will be hard.

What if I make the wrong decision?

I’ll go broke.

I’m failing by quitting.

You won’t be successful.

It’s almost as though my fears earn a commission based off how well they can keep me frozen in place.

Now, I KNOW these are lies. But sometimes I struggle to believe it.

So today, I sat down with a journal selected solely for this transition and challenged each fear in turn-

1 – What is the fear telling me?

2 – What is the worst-case scenario in relation to this fear?

3 – If the worst-case happened, what agency would I still have?

4 – What evidence do I have to refute the claims that this fear is making?

5 – When have I faced a similar fear in the past and what was the result?

Wow. This was powerful stuff. First, simply writing out each fear and exposing it to the light of day helped to reduce some of its power. Exploring what decisions I could make if the worst happened gave me some sense of control and comfort that I would be okay. Counteracting each fear with evidence had the effect of distinguishing between a bark and a bite. And finally, reflecting on how I’ve successfully faced my fears (and worst-case becoming real) in my past helped to build my confidence.

I got this.

And for those of you facing a similar challenge, you got this too!

 

 

Enemy of the Good

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Things are returning to normal around here.

The suitcase is unpacked and the warm-weather clothes, still imbued with the briny odor of the sea, have been washed and put away. When I stirred at 5:00 this morning, there were two pit bulls instantly by my side, anxious for their morning walk.

It’s good to be home. Back to my dogs, my bed, my shower and the simple pleasure of having access to a stocked kitchen. Unfortunately, my mind is back as well, losing touch with the straightforward plans of a vacation day and beginning to become overwhelmed with everything I’m telling myself I need to get done.

As I walked the pups this morning, acutely aware of the refreshing crisp air on my face in contrast to the wet slaps of the south Florida breeze, a familiar phrase made its way into my mind –

“The perfect is the enemy of the good.”

I had to smile at myself, thinking of the to-do list perched on my desk back at the house, items filling the page, waiting to be completed and crossed off. And that I wasn’t giving myself permission to relax until the list was complete.

I was – correction, I am – allowing the perfection of a completed task list to become the enemy of the enjoyment of a life filled with blessings.

And perfection isn’t the only adversary that good has to overcome. Can you relate to any of these?

 

Resistance to Change is the Enemy of the Good

I largely took a break from social media while we were on vacation. Yet every time I checked my Twitter account, I felt my heart smile. I’m a part of an informal group on there formed from those who have experienced infidelity. Apart from that common thread, the group runs the gamut from those that have just discovered the betrayal to those who, like me, are years out. Some are staying in their marriages while others have decided to move on.

For many in the group, this holiday is one of firsts – first since the discovery of the betrayal, first since the end of the marriage, or the first without the kids. In other words, it’s a hard holiday season for many in this group.

So why was I smiling? I was so inspired by the make-the-best-of-it attitudes and vows to start new traditions that I saw on my feed. This year was different. And resisting that change would only keep them from appreciating the good that was to be found in the little moments of this year.

Because that’s how it works, doesn’t it? If we refrain from focusing on what was, we allow ourselves to appreciate what is.

 

Expectations Are the Enemy of the Good

For our recent trip, we flew into Miami and rented a car (a convertible Mustang just like every other person in south Florida, apparently). We took our time exploring the keys, staying in Key Largo and Marathon before ending up in Key West, where we immediately returned the car.

The plan was to rent bicycles in order to get around the island for the final three days of the trip. I was all-in, picturing quiet beach streets and wide bike paths without any treacherous downhills to contend with. I pictured us exploring the area on our bikes, the breeze in our hair and the sun on our shoulders.

I was right about the hills. And the sun.

But the rest? Not so much. It turned out that the trek from our hotel to the main area was three miles on a crowded sidewalk next to busy street with constant traffic (including lots of trucks which provided the only breeze since I was moving too slowly to generate any myself). I started off shaky, but okay. But after a couple miles, I entered into full-on panic. It was far from the expectation that I had for myself.

Bless my husband; he was so patient. And even while I was tearing myself down, he was expressing how proud he was of me that I kept going even though I was petrified. At the end of that evening, I took an Uber back to the hotel while he took back one of the bikes. Then, the next morning, he pedaled back the remaining bike and we rented a scooter (where I would NOT be driving!).

And it was wonderful. Different than I had imagined, yes. But wonderful.

Because that’s how it works, isn’t it? If we let go of the mental image of how something should be, we can enjoy it for what it is.

 

Comparisons Are the the Enemy of the Good

One of the reasons that holidays can be so hard is that everybody tries to put on a show and then we end up comparing ourselves to these picture-perfect families and celebrations.

On Monday night, we watched football from the comfort of our hotel room (go Ravens!). The commercials broadcast by everyone from the grocery store to the car dealership seemed intent on cultivating envy in the viewers. The message was clear – just buy this thing and you too will have a perfect family filled with endless cheer and devoid of worry.

And so for those watching either the commercials or the curated posts by friends, the comparisons are inevitable and easily heart-breaking. Their concern about finances seems overwhelming when held up against the free spending on their screen. Their family, impacted by addiction or estrangement or divorce, seems incomplete and lacking compared to the perfectly posed group in matching pajamas. And their loss seems alien when contrasted with the bounty portrayed to us.

We know that these images are not real. That they are scripted and acted. Yet we sometimes still them as ideal and achievable, even when we know what is happening behind the scenes. Yet we can choose to see them for what they are – images created to either prey on our own insecurities or alleviate the insecurities of others.

Because that’s how it works, isn’t it? If we refuse to compare our lives to others, we can be grateful for what we have.

 

And for me, I’m going to try to focus less on completing my to-do list and more on enjoying what today has to offer.

 

Here are a few pictures from our trip. I highly recommend the Florida Keys for anyone who wants a Caribbean feel on U.S. soil and is looking for a great excuse to slow down and enjoy each moment.

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Fear of the Future

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My many years of teaching 8th grade has offered a unique perspective. The entire year is a crossroads, a place where childhood and independence meet and often vie for dominance. The kids are excited for their increased freedoms and new opportunities.

But they’re also scared.

They seem to recognize that the life, the relationships and the security that they have known has a deadline.

And that soon, they will have to face a future that they worry they’re not prepared for.

As adults, we watch them grapple with these realizations and we offer words of advice and comfort that come from our additional years of living and navigating change. We smile at their naiveté and their assurances that they will manage to control all elements of their life path.

And yet even while we offer them guidance, we often struggle with similar fears.

Because, let’s face it.

The future, with its infinite possibilities and endless opportunities for challenges, can be downright terrifying. And just like with my students, these fears are at their most vocal during times of transition.

There are five primary fears that can contribute to an apprehension about the future:

 

1 – “I don’t know what’s coming.”

There’s a reason we often talk through what’s going to happen at a doctor’s visit or on Halloween with young children – once we know what’s coming, it loses some of its power to scare us.

We tend to be most afraid of the future when it seems to stretch out into darkness, when we have to summon the faith to take blind steps not knowing what lurks in the shadows. And the problem with an unknown future is that we view it as a threat and so we go in armed, more apt to attack than explore.

We don’t need to have a crystal ball or an approved life script to prepare ourselves for what’s coming. Energy spent planning and preparing can go a long way towards easing your fears, even if those fears never come to fruition.

 

2 – “I won’t be able to handle it.”

Much like with any new challenge, we are uncertain with our abilities as we learn to adapt to the new demands. And since the future is a challenge we haven’t faced before, we worry that we won’t pass muster and that we will ultimately fail to rise to the test.

And at first, it may feel like it’s too much. Life often has a way of presenting us with a 200-lb barbell when we’re still struggling to lift a 20-lb dumbbell. But then, a little at a time, you get stronger. And what was once impossible is now completely doable.

When we peer off the cliff edge down into the unknown future, we’re picturing the person we are today trying to handle the challenges of tomorrow. What we often fail to appreciate is the wisdom, strength and training that we gain along the way.

 

3 – “The future won’t be as good as what I have known.”

The only thing certain is the past. So if you want certainty, that’s where you’ll have set up camp.

We have this way of rose-tinting the past and coal-smudging a future that we fear. And we know what we have treasured in our lives. Those memories gain prominence and importance over the years, developing a shine as we take them out and run over them again. Any grit that accompanied those memories has been worn away in time.

And the future, with its jagged edges, threatens to never be able to compete with those treasured times.

Yet one day, that future that you now fear will provide more memories that you treasure.

 

4 – “Change means losing what I have.”

We’re hardwired to fear change. We have more aversion to loss than we do anticipation for what might be gained.

And so we often, we freeze. Thinking that if we just stay still, stay quiet, that the status quo will continue. Anticipatory grief and regret keeping us locked in inaction.

Yet the scary – and also freeing – truth is this.

Even if you change nothing, everything will will change.

That’s just how life works.

Some people and things come in and others move out.

Which if you think about it, is as natural as breathing.

 

5 – “I can’t control the future.”

No, you can’t.

But you do have some say in the control that future has over you.

If you can’t stop what’s coming and you can’t prevent change, why allow a fear of the future to dictate your life now?

 

 

 

 

A Guidebook to Handling Your Emotions

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We don’t come with emotion-handling software already installed. As young children, we were pure, unrestrained emotion. Any disappointment resulted in a red and tear-stained face and joy over the smallest delight would result in spontaneous and unselfconscious giggles.

And then, over the years, we received guidance on how to handle our emotions. Some of us heard the message that emotions are a sign of weakness and should be avoided at all cost. Others grew up in environments where emotions were a form of currency, used to get what you want from those around you.

Regardless of our particular emotional education, few of us mastered the curriculum by adulthood.

So here’s a little guidebook, a brief refresher on how to handle your emotions. Don’t worry if you still struggle with these reminders. Learning how to be human takes a lifetime.

 

Do Be Curious…Don’t Judge

It always breaks my heart a little when I hear someone say, “I shouldn’t feel that way.” Because they DO feel that way. And that is entirely okay. Judgment doesn’t make the emotion go away. All it does is frost it with a layer of self-criticism. Instead of judging the emotion, try asking yourself, “I wonder why I’m feeling this way?”

 

Do Approach…Do Not Attach

We are busy. And with so many tasks and people and apps always demanding our attention, our own internal emotional landscape often takes the back burner. Yet even if we don’t take the time to look, it’s still there, influencing everything that comes into our sphere. Slow down. Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling. Name it. But don’t become too comfortable. Emotions, like clouds, often pass. If you attach too much with a certain feeling, you’re interrupting this natural cycle.

Do Moderate…Don’t Bury

It’s a good thing that most of us have gotten better at handling emotions over time. An entire office building of tantruming workers would be a little awkward. We need to be able to dial down our emotional intensity and filter our emotions through perspective and rationality. Yet sometimes we take this too far, stuffing down our emotions and locking them away. Of course, they are still there. Only now instead of whispering, they’re going to start screaming.

 

Do Accept…Don’t Enable

You feel the way you feel. That’s okay. What’s NOT okay is to cater to those feelings like they are some sort of monarch. For example, if you feel sad, feel sad. But you don’t need to work to become the best iteration of sadness that ever existed. Instead, feel sad and also hold yourself to your goals. And remember, you are not your feelings.

 

Do Direct…Don’t Control

Have you ever told a hyper toddler to just sit still in a restaurant? How did that work out for you? Obviously, you can’t just let them unleash the beast within the establishment, but you can take them for a walk around the parking lot before dinner. Our emotions respond in much the same way. If you try to order them to sit and stay, disaster will ensure (and you may be thrown out of the restaurant), but you can channel your emotional energy in acceptable ways.

 

Do Listen…Don’t Believe Everything They Say

Our emotions are worth listening to. Our rational brains may be smart, but they are also prone to all sorts of fallacies and delusions (confirmation bias, anyone?). Our emotions operate a different level and are often able to pick up on things that our thinking selves are trying to talk us out of seeing. So listen. But also verify. Because much like the dog that sometimes barks at a falling leaf, our emotions sometimes get a little confused about what constitutes an actual threat. Feelings are not facts.

 

Do Share…Don’t Expect a Certain Response

We are emotional beings. It’s okay to show your feelings. Yet so often when we do share, we do so with an expectation of how the other person will respond. And then if our expectations are unmet, we blame the emotion. When really the fault is with the unrealistic expectations. Emotions are uniquely personal. Although we all feel the same ones, we don’t always feel them in the same way or in response to the same things.