This was my classroom today.
There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses. Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being. The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation. Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?
Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.
Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed. We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another. In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:
How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?
How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?
How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?
How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?
How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?
How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?
How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?
So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.
Do you turn your gaze when you receive a shot? Dream of a tropical island while you are on the dentist’s chair? Imagine walking on the beach while you are crushed into the seats in coach for a cross-country flight? Our minds are so good at these little disconnections, these travels away from the current discomfort. The problem is that, as with anything we repeatedly do, that mental disconnection can become a habit.
When I take an honest look back at my life, I can see that I have, at times, become too dependent upon my mind’s ability to wander. I had two years of teaching where I was completely miserable due to the circumstances at the school. In order to cope, I distracted myself as much as possible. I was not present in that classroom at all, although I still made connections with the kids and had test scores that proved they mastered the material. I knew that I was unhappy with work, but when I realized how dependent I had become on disconnected, I knew that I had to make a change. A drastic one.
Mindfulness is a highlighter. Examine your own life. When do you tend to engage in mental escape? That is a clue that something about that environment, situation, or relationship may need to change because it is causing you pain. Or, perhaps, you need to be honest with yourself about the discomfort and change your approach to it. Regardless, mentally running away from any lasting situation will not be of benefit. Bring your focus to the present and connect with what is causing you discomfort. As with studying a textbook, the highlighted areas are the ones that need more attention.
These lessons also apply to loss through divorce or separation.
6 Lessons in Learning to Live Life Without Your Loved One.
The most difficult lesson for me was to allow myself to feel the grief and the pain. I became an expert at filling my life with distractions (luckily, healthy ones, but distractions nonetheless). I was afraid that if I let the feelings in, that they would become a tsunami, crushing me under their power.
I had to make conscious decisions in the beginning to let myself feel some of it. My mind acted like a seawall, allowing some of the wave through, but holding part back. I was able to feel and process a little at a time, so that no one experience was too overwhelming. This piecemeal approach takes time, but it has worked for me because it breaks it down into manageable chunks, whereas the whole would be too much to bear.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 