Layering Isn’t Just for Sweaters

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: Icelandic sweater Deutsch: Islandpullover
Image via Wikipedia

One of the most difficult aspects of separation is dealing with the memories.  I remember on my first solo grocery shopping trip, I burst into tears at the sight of the sparkling water my husband used to buy.  If I couldn’t even handle the sight of an innocuous green bottle, how was I ever going to handle the places and objects that sparked real memories?

In the early months, my primary strategy was avoidance as much as possible.  It wasn’t easy, though, as I lived about 6 miles from our former home and I still worked just around the corner.  I secured a P.O. box in the area for that first year and I would take the most circuitous, traffic-laden route to get there so that I didn’t have to drive by my old neighborhood.  Even so, I lived with constant reminders since I was so close to the crime scene.

Even while I tried to practice avoidance with the everyday reminders, I sought to consciously layer memories of the big things, I fought to take back psychic possession of certain locations or activities that he and I had done together.I staked my  claim on those memories I refused to let him have them. By revisited with others and layering memories, I could once again look at those places with fondness.

It was a surreal time.  I dragged city-loving friends on hikes through the mountains.  I faced the place in the airport where I last touched my ex with a  date, on our way to see the Smithsonian.  I went with groups of friends to the restaurant where he and I ate weekly.

At first, this layering was very deliberate, intentional.  Over time, I found that it became second nature, even to the point of applying a second layer without thought.  Much as one does with a sweater when the wind bites a bit too much.

Why Embracing Pain Is the Gateway to Growth

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This article is a natural follow up to, “Let Pain be Your Teacher.”  Viewing our pain as a lesson that leads to growth and wisdom allows us to soften to it.  Let the pain be transient and the lessons permanent.

Why Embracing Pain Is the Gateway to Growth.

If You’re Going to Be a Scumbag, It’s Best Not to Have a Dog

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I can thank a dog for my current relationship.  I had gone out on two Match.com dates with my current partner, but was leaning towards another guy (foolish, I know).  Then, I received an email that he had rescued a puppy and he attached a picture of the cutest pup with the biggest head I had ever seen.  Well, I simply HAD to pay a visit to the puppy, didn’t I?

I was impressed that evening, with the dog, but mainly with his owner.  The pup was around 6 months old and had been rescued about 6 weeks prior.  He was calm, secure, and very obedient.   I’ve watched enough Cesar Millan to know that this says more about the owner than the dog.  I learned more about my boyfriend’s character that night through his dog than I had in two dates.  I still had trouble trusting words that were spoken to me, but I knew that his relationship with his dog and his dog’s behavior could not be faked.

Dogs have an amazing ability to see inside a person.  They do not fall for external appearances; they see through that smile to the emotions hidden below.  Their behavior reflects that of the humans around them; if their owners are stressed and unbalanced, they will be too.  They are mirrors.  If I had been more astute, I might have picked up on this from the dogs I had in my marriage; they became stressed and withdrawn, especially the dog that was my husband’s.

So if you’re a scumbag and want to keep that fact hidden, it’s probably best that you don’t get a dog.  They just might reveal your true nature.

Now that’s a balanced, happy pit bull!

Dealing with Uncertainty: 5 Tips to Create Trust and Patience | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce and the rebuilding years afterwords are such a time of uncertainty.  All of our assumptions, goals, and plans are wiped out in one swoop and we are left teetering on the brink of the unknown.  It is a scary place to be, but one that is ripe with possibility.  Read below to learn how to trust and just be in uncertainty.

Dealing with Uncertainty: 5 Tips to Create Trust and Patience | Tiny Buddha: Wisdom Quotes, Letting Go, Letting Happiness In.

 

Why I Became a Tough Mudder

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I told my family last year that I had signed up (and paid good money) for an 11 mile obstacle run, I think their first response was to shuffle through their contacts looking for the psychiatrist I saw in the early months of the divorce.  “You’re doing WHAT?  Why?,” I heard repeatedly, usually followed with a resigned head shake, “You’re crazy.”  Crazy I may be, but I felt compelled to do the event and I am so glad that I did.  Tough Mudder was more to me than a run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few months after the July disaster of my marriage, I signed up for my very first race ever: a half marathon.  This was a bit preemptive, since not only had I never competed, I still was weak and skinny.  I went into that race only having completed the distance once before.  That was the worst race of my life (cold, rain, illness), but I endured and made it through.  It was exactly the confidence boost I needed at that point.

Over the next several months, I ran more races, but none of them required me to dig all that deep into myself.  None of them gave me the sense of triumph over adversity that I was seeking.

 

Then came Mudder.  My boyfriend was the one who actually found this race and he proposed that we enter together.  I loved the idea immediately. With a shared purpose, we hit the gym with renewed vigor and not a little trepidation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The event itself was unbelievable.  It turned out that it was slated to be held in a dry county, so the money that normally went towards beer instead paid for a longer track – almost 15 miles up and down (did I mention up?) a motocross track.  The temperature was cold, and the water obstacles were colder, as volunteers emptied flats of ice into the streams.

 

 

 

It was an amazing challenge for my boyfriend and I to tackle together.  It gave a true sense of working together and overcoming adversity.  My other races had been alone; it was beautiful to have someone to share this with.  It helped me learn to trust him, learn that he was not going to abandon me when the going got tough.  We pushed each other, encouraged each other, lifted each other, and even shared some muddy, sweaty kisses.  It was amazing.

I think everyone, especially those re-centering after trauma, should do their own version of Tough Mudder. Something that pushes you further than you comfortably want to go.  Something to show you what you can accomplish.  Something to show you that discomfort is temporary.  Something to show you that the support of friends can help get you through when you want to quit.  When the big picture of what you have to overcome is too big, it helps to have a little Mudder to think back on and realize, “I can do this.”

 

 

 

Tough Mudder logo
Image via Wikipedia