Ten Lessons I am Still Learning

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Boston - Boston Common: Parkman Plaza - Learning
Boston - Boston Common: Parkman Plaza - Learning (Photo credit: wallyg)

One of the things I love most about my partner is that he sees himself as a perpetual student; he is always willing and eager to learn something new, even in an area where he is considered an expert.

Last year, we were out at dinner with a group of friends.  One of our friend’s 8 year son opened the conversation with my boyfriend.

“Do you have a black belt?” the boy asked eagerly.

“I do,” came the reply.

“Actually, he has several,” interjected the boy’s dad.

“Wow!  Does that mean you know everything?”

“Actually, a black belt means that you are ready to begin learning.”

I loved that response.  It serves as a reminder to me to always be open to learning more, especially in those areas where I already have knowledge.

In that spirit, here are ten lessons that I am still learning:

1) Life doesn’t just have two speeds – on and off.  It is not only possible to go slowly, but sometimes it is preferable.

2) It is okay not to be the first one at work; stuff still manages to get done even if I arrive after the custodians.

3) I’m working on learning to sleep past 6:00 am and considering the possibility of mastering the power nap.

4)  A messy kitchen does not mean a chaotic life.  It just means that people actually live in our house.

5) Sometimes it is okay for the play to come before the work.  (I got this one from my dog)

6) I am still working on going downhill on wheels (bikes, skates, etc.).  I just don’t  trust those things!

7) Stretching is worthwhile exercise even if is doesn’t work up a sweat.

8) It is okay to relax.

9) Money will be there; I don’t need to get too stressed about it.

10) Always take time to appreciate what you have and remember to express your gratitude.  Especially when the kitchen is messy.

When Is a Phone More Than a Phone?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I am leaving you and I am leaving the state.

That is the text I received on the above phone in July of 2009.   Until today, it has remained my phone.  Every time I’ve used  it, the feeling of its curved case in my hands is a visceral reminder of the several days I spent grasping its cold body after receiving the text.  That phone, the deliverer of the death sentence of my marriage, was the only possible connection I had to my former life.  It was my executioner and my security blanket in one. It has overstayed its welcome in my life.  As of today, it is retired from its duties.

I was nervous about the process of opening a new account; I still never know what will come up from my past.  It was comforting to have a gentle salesperson who had also dealt with an ex’s financial betrayal.  The look on her face told me she didn’t judge me and she understood.

My new phone is so much more than a phone.  It already contains an image of my current beau and I after we completed a tough race (Tough Mudder, to be exact).  It symbolizes freedom and connection with new technology (you can see that my old phone wasn’t exactly cutting edge!).  It will allow me to more effciently pursue some of my projects and dreams.  Most importantly, at least to me, is the fact that it stores no memories, its shape is virgin to my hand.

Today I have severed an important connection to my past.  The phone that signaled the end of one life has been replaced by one that symbolizes the start of a new.

The Power in Your Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Try shifting your mind: instead of thinking of your trauma as something that happened TO you,  try thinking of it as a part of your story.  When it is your story, you are the one in control.   You can revise, edit, even add or eliminate entire chapters if needed.  Here are some hints on how you can learn to embrace your story and use it to help yourself and others.

I Can’t, I Won’t, I Don’t and I’ll Never

Posted on by stilllearning2b

  I really did have a great marriage.  In retrospect, though, I’ve realized that he never really challenged me.  I am not saying that as a dig against him, or claiming that the responsibility was his, it is just how it was.  I could easily say “I can’t, I won’t, I don’t or I’ll never” and he never questioned it.  It was comfortable.  I developed a rather static view of myself, content to be what I was in many areas.  I did push myself, but only in areas where I was comfortable pushing (which are never the areas that need improvement, are they?).  Even though this was a lesson I didn’t want to learn, I  learned the value in pushing oneself in the areas that cause discomfort.  It just might surprise you (as it did me) how many of those, “I wont’s” become “I can’t wait to’s.”

Here are some  of the items that were on my “can’t” list that are now on my “bring it on” list:

-riding a motorcycle (sorry, mom!)

-running a race (warning – these are addictive)

-eating spicy foods (I now have to restock chili powder and Tabasco every couple weeks)

-enjoying sports (don’t mention last week’s playoffs…)

-learning to play chess (I’m still pretty crummy, but it’s progress)

-kissing another man (strange at first, but not too hard to get used to)

-cooking (see “I’m Not Martha Stewart…”

-having a dog again (you’ll hear more about this one later)

-trusting again

-loving again

It is not the responsibility of those in our life to push and challenge us; it is something we must take on ourselves.  As a teacher, I am fully aware that growth occurs when I keep the students slightly uncomfortable, just a little beyond where they want to go.  Likewise, we can grow when we take ourselves beyond what we think we can do.  What can you transfer from your “I can’t, I won’t, I don’t, and I’ll never” list?  How can you challenge yourself?

Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I was a toddler, I used to try to walk through the sliding glass door.  Repeatedly.  The coffee table was simply an apparition that should bend to my will and allow me passage.  Even the bulk of the couch was no match for my will; I assumed that it too could be bested if I tried long enough and hard enough.

As I approached adulthood and learned about the states of matter,I realized that my chances of walking through solids were pretty slim.  However, this did little to temper my will and stubbornness.  These traits saw me through many challenges in my life; I succeeded because I refused to give up.  I worked to make myself stronger, both physically and emotionally to see me through the challenges that life had to offer.  I had perseverance and reliance in droves.

It wasn’t enough. At least not for the long run.

My strength got me through the early days and months of my divorce.  I looked to my fortitude to help me push through what seemed like insurmountable obstacles.

Then, one day, I realized the external obstacles were gone.  All that was left were my interior barriers, and try as I might, I couldn’t simply lower my head and barrel through them.  This was not a  time for strength.

I found  wisdom in the teachings of yoga and meditation, areas that I had been exploring, sensing that they could counter my natural strengths and bring me more into balance.  In yoga, you are taught to find your edge, accept your edge, explore your edge (not to pretend it is not there and continue forward nonetheless, as  I was wont to do).  Pain is not something to  be denied, rather it should be acknowledged and  investigated.  I learned to recognize my edge and slowly, softly shift it.  I became more comfortable just being with the pain, softening my attitude towards it.  The process of healing from the trauma made me softer, and that in turn made me stronger and more whole.

Strength found its balance in softness.  The two together are so much more powerful than each alone.  Try as I might, I still can’t walk through furniture, though.