States of Matter
Which state of matter best describes you?
Solids are comprised of tightly packed molecules. They are rigid, holding their own shape. The atoms that make up a solid are stuck, their movement compromised by the proximity of their neighbors. If you are a solid, you are fixed in your life. Your environment does not impact your shape, as you resist influence from your surroundings. If too much resistance is applied, a solid crumbles and fragments, but it takes quite a bit for this to occur. Solids are consistent, yet their stalwart nature can make them vulnerable to fragmentation or erosion.
The particles that form liquids are freer to move, yet they posses cohesive properties that encourage them to remain in proximity to each other. The defining characteristic of a liquid is that it takes the shape of its container. If you are a liquid, you allow the environment to shape you, yet you maintain a a sense of self held in the solidarity of your component parts. You naturally flow, yet can move against the pull of gravity when effort is applied. You are resistant to pressure, yet accepting of influence.
Gasses are the free spirits of the chemical world; their particles enjoy total freedom at the expense of identity. The atoms and molecules in a gas will expand to fill its container as they bounce around with no thought to each other. If you are gas, you push against the constraints of your environment, constantly looking for a way out. The application of pressure simply intensifies this effect. You are free, open to anything, yet may not have a developed sense of self, as your component parts do not blend.
States of matter can be changed. Apply enough heat to a solid and it softens, liquifies. Apply too much perhaps, and you lose your substance as it evaporates. On the other hand, compress freely moving molecules hard enough, and you transition them to a liquid and eventually a solid.
In my own life, I strive to be a liquid. I want to be unified and have a definable self, yet I want to be open to influence. I desire to be able to relax and go with the flow, yet also be able to move against the current at will. The pressures I have faced have forced internal cohesion and the warmth from those around me has kept me soft and pliable. I try to monitor the dials and switches on my internal chemistry set to maintain this optimal balance despite the impact of the environment.
Anger is a Succubus
Anger. It is so easy to go there. To stay there.
Why did he do this to me? How could he have done these things? What a (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive)!
That anger is a succubus; she’ll draw you in, tempting you, and then slowly suck you dry, leaving you brittle while the object of the anger remains untouched. Anger leaves you in a victim state, powerless. It is only by releasing this anger that you can take your own reigns from the soul-sucking creature and chart your path.
Take yourself out of the object in the sentences above and make yourself the subject. What can I do to make my life better? What can I do now that these things have happened. Okay, so maybe the expletives can still stand. They certainly have their place, after all:) That shifts the power back to you.
Not that it is easy. I still slide back into anger when I have to deal with the financial fallout of my ex-husband’s years of manipulations and deceptions. Try staying calm when you are faced with paying the bill for the wedding rings used to marry another while you are still betrothed. Any luck? Yeah, me neither.
The anger has been the hardest to let go of, even more than sadness. However, I refuse to let that succubus feed off me any longer.
In future posts, I will share some of my strategies for moving beyond anger. What has helped you? Are you still angry?
Softness Isn’t Just for Selling Tissues
When I was a toddler, I used to try to walk through the sliding glass door. Repeatedly. The coffee table was simply an apparition that should bend to my will and allow me passage. Even the bulk of the couch was no match for my will; I assumed that it too could be bested if I tried long enough and hard enough.
As I approached adulthood and learned about the states of matter,I realized that my chances of walking through solids were pretty slim. However, this did little to temper my will and stubbornness. These traits saw me through many challenges in my life; I succeeded because I refused to give up. I worked to make myself stronger, both physically and emotionally to see me through the challenges that life had to offer. I had perseverance and reliance in droves.
It wasn’t enough. At least not for the long run.
My strength got me through the early days and months of my divorce. I looked to my fortitude to help me push through what seemed like insurmountable obstacles.
Then, one day, I realized the external obstacles were gone. All that was left were my interior barriers, and try as I might, I couldn’t simply lower my head and barrel through them. This was not a time for strength.
I found wisdom in the teachings of yoga and meditation, areas that I had been exploring, sensing that they could counter my natural strengths and bring me more into balance. In yoga, you are taught to find your edge, accept your edge, explore your edge (not to pretend it is not there and continue forward nonetheless, as I was wont to do). Pain is not something to be denied, rather it should be acknowledged and investigated. I learned to recognize my edge and slowly, softly shift it. I became more comfortable just being with the pain, softening my attitude towards it. The process of healing from the trauma made me softer, and that in turn made me stronger and more whole.
Strength found its balance in softness. The two together are so much more powerful than each alone. Try as I might, I still can’t walk through furniture, though.
You Are Not Your Divorce
Our traumas help to form us, but we do have to let them define us. You are not what happened to you. You are not your suffering. The first step in healing is taking ownership of your reactions and choosing to respond in a manner which will help you let go of the past.
You will always see the event as a delineation in your memories; there is a “you” before and a different “you” after that has been changed by the trauma. When you become stuck, you view the repercussions of the event as malevolent and place the responsibility for the changed self on the event.
It happened. It hurt. It changed you. By letting it define you, you simply give it more power. You have the ability to create beauty out of the pain.
One of the most powerful images I held in my mind during my divorce was that of how I handled a fallen tree in my garden. I had a large tree come down in an area where I had cultivated a beautiful woodland garden. Those delicate plants were now exposed to the harsh midday sun and would not survive. I mourned the loss of the area for a day or so and then I went to work. I dug up and moved all of the shade-lovers and replanted them in new areas that would still give them the shelter they needed. I then loaded up my car with sun-loving plants from the nursery (yes, this was the fun part!) that I never had space for before. I was able to create a new, different, but even more beautiful garden where the tree had fallen.
Are you letting your divorce define you? Do you give it (or your ex) the power to control your life now? This is a choice and you can change your mind.
Consciously Choosing to Move Forward.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 