Wondering if They’ll Cheat? Look For This…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had the honor of joining Helen Tower last week on her podcast, Sail Infidelity. A listener, an unfaithful spouse, sent in the question, “How can I get my wife to move on from my infidelity?” My first thought was,

“I wonder if he’s asking because he hates seeing his wife suffer and wants her to feel better or if he’s uncomfortable with her strong emotional response and he wants to alleviate his discomfort.”

Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger or disappointment. None of us like to examine our own fears and regrets too closely. We all can use avoidance tactics to put off difficult conversations or decisions or find an illusion of security in denial.

Those who choose to cheat cannot handle emotional discomfort.

Yet for most of us, difficult doesn’t mean we don’t do it. We accept that the emotions – either our own or those of another – are uncomfortable and yet we do not turn away. But the cheater? They run. Or shut down. Or turn it back towards you.

Those who choose to cheat seek to outsource their emotional regulation.

When they are feeling insecure, they look for others to alleviate that feeling through attention and accolades. If they’re anxious, they use sex like a drug to feel better in the moment. Instead of learning to self-soothe, they expect those around them to make them feel better.

Those who choose to cheat struggle to stay present with difficult emotions.

When faced with intense emotion, those who cheat are more likely to flood or flee. They have not learned to name and accept myriad emotional responses as a natural side-effect of being human. Instead, they become fearful when emotions run high. But of course, they can’t accept that fear either. So they dismiss it all entirely or stuff it into their shame sack where they can pretend it doesn’t exist.

Those who choose to cheat fail to recognize the impact of their own traumas.

For so many of us, we continue to play out our childhood traumas in our adult relationships. With awareness, this can become an opportunity for growth and healing. Yet those who have a propensity for infidelity often remain unaware of the impact their own past has on them. Instead, they act out their pain in unhealthy, immature and selfish ways.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

People can grow. People can change. If the unfaithful spouse is willing and able to give space for your emotional reaction without seeking to control it or stifle it, that’s a sign that they’re learning. Furthermore, look for evidence that they are becoming more comfortable sitting with – and taking responsibility for – their own emotions. And finally, if they’re trying to make amends, pay attention to whose pain they are trying to alleviate – yours or their own.

We Want Them to Fight For Us

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We Want Them to Fight For Us

 

When it comes down to being cheated on, I think that was the hardest thing-

That he didn’t see the marriage – didn’t see ME – as something worth fighting for. 

 

I remember reading stories from people who had unfaithful partners who confessed and condemned their own actions, throwing themselves into recovery. I heard about spouses who had made mistakes and once they realized the magnitude of what they were about to lose, fought like hell to keep it. I learned about the pain of relapse and the struggle to again trust the one that betrayed you. I devoured stories of ugly screaming matches, emotions running high as both partners grappled with the magnitude of the shockwave to the relationship.

I envied those people. 

Because my husband never fought at all. 

 

We think we want them to fight for us. But what we really want is for them to WANT to fight for us.

At first, I grew desperate. Even though he refused contact, I sent emails and text messages begging for him to respond to me. To talk to me. I pleaded with him over voice mail, “Please just talk to me. Why are you doing this?”

I never got a response.

It’s natural to panic when we fear we are losing our grip. We beg, we plead, we grow irrational. We believe that if we can just hold tightly enough, that we won’t lose them. 

And it almost always backfires. 

For some, it pushes them away, desperation as repellent. For others, seeing us so panicky makes them feel guilty and, by extension, uncomfortable. And so they try to fight, putting on a good face. But they’re not really fighting for us, they’re playacting to keep us from fighting against them. It’s a hollow victory.

 

When they don’t fight for us, it makes us question our value. 

As the desperation morphed into a begrudging acknowledgement, I grew despondent. This man that fought for so much in his life, refused to even pick up a phone for his wife. For me. Did that mean that I was worth less than his job, his hobbies or, of course, the affair partner?

All I could assume was that, according to his calculus, losing me was not a loss. Which set my value at zero. 

It’s natural for us to see ourselves reflected in our partner. But when they become twisted, that reflection is no longer accurate. They benefit from projection, from painting us as being less than we are in order to pretend to be greater than they are. What they lack, they try to steal from us. 

Perhaps their unwillingness to fight, to face the consequences, is more a reflection of their character and cowardice than of our worth. 

 

When we believe that divorce is not an option, their unwillingness to fight for the marriage makes us feel like a failure. 

When I was in the midst of divorce, I had so many people say to me that, in their marriage, divorce was not an option. 

Well, it wasn’t an option to me either. Until it became a necessity. 

It takes two to make a marriage work, and only one to destroy it.

If you’re the only one fighting to save it, there is nothing to save.

But we don’t give up easily, do we? It’s so hard to accept that they’re not doing their part and that no matter how much we try, we cannot do their part for them. That sometimes, accepting it’s over isn’t quitting, it’s taking care of ourselves.

 

We cannot make them fight for us.

But we can fight for ourselves.

To believe in our worth and settle for nothing less.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faulty Cheating Logic

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Faulty Cheating Logic

I keep encountering people who believe the following:

If a man cheats on his wife, then the marriage was sexless.

If the marriage was sexless, then it was the wife’s fault.

Therefore, if a man cheats on his wife, it was the wife’s fault.

*I’m sticking with the male cheater and asexual wife here because this is the assumption that always gets thrown my way. Don’t worry, men, I’ll get to the assumption that gets applied to you too. 

 

There are so many problems with this line of thinking…

1 – People cheat on their spouses for all kinds of reasons, only one of which is a lack of connection in the bedroom. If it was that simple to prevent infidelity, I bet cheating would be a whole lot less common (and easier to find when it was happening).

2 – You never really know what goes on in another person’s marriage, much less between their sheets. Why make that assumption?

3- Is the husband lying about the state of the bedroom in order to gain a sympathetic ear from the affair partner or from friends and family? Remember, they’re trying to make themselves look good and paint infidelity as a reasonable decision. 

4 – If the marriage was sexless, it may not be the woman’s decision. I know it’s not culturally accepted, but men can also turn away from their sexual selves for myriad reasons. 

5 – If the woman is turning down sex, are there underlying reasons? Sometimes these may have nothing to do with the marriage (trauma or health) and sometimes she shuts down as a direct result of her husband’s behaviors or inattention. 

6- And finally, even if the bedroom was dead and the wife was the one hitting the brakes on sex, that’s still not an excuse to cheat on someone. Decide that sex is important enough for you to leave? Sure. Have a conversation about ethical non-monogamy? Cool. But lie and manipulate to get what you want while keeping them in the dark? No. 

 

I see a similar type of faulty logic directed towards men:

If a woman cheats on her husband, he didn’t provide for/satisfy her.

 

Let’s dig into this one…

1 – Again, there are many reasons for infidelity. I’m sure this is one of them. But it’s only one. 

2 – If this was her reasoning, was she looking for him to provide her with happiness and/or purpose? Because those are both things that another person can never provide for us. In other words, he’s set up to fail.

3- Was he working so hard to provide in one arena that he couldn’t give enough attention in others? For example, maybe he is put in the situation where he is working overtime to bring in enough money and also criticized for not being available. Those priorities have to be worked out as a couple.

4-Because we place so much value on what a man provides, an easy way for her to cut him down publicly is to imply that he doesn’t measure up. What does she have to gain from that approach?

5-And finally, even if she feels that he is not bringing enough to the table, that is still not an excuse to cheat. Decide that you something different and make the decision to leave? Sure. Have a conversation about needs and changes and boundaries? Absolutely. But leave him in the dark and sneak around behind his back? No. 

 

I can see where both of these faulty assumptions come from. We all want to believe that we have more control over our lives than we do. We feel safer when we can believe that if we only do “x,” we can prevent “y” from happening. But it’s not that simple, as those of us who have been through the wringer can attest. Because when it comes to cheating, logic gets thrown out the window. 

We Didn’t Have a Choice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s happened again.

A person who is cheating on their spouse tried to justify their actions to me.

I empathize up to a point.

I mean, marriage can be hard. And we can end up in situations way more complicated and difficult than we ever imagined when we said, “I do.” Situations that don’t always have an easy answer or even an obvious “right” path.

I don’t think that all people who choose to cheat on their partners are evil or completely callous. I get that they have their own pain that they are trying to alleviate.

But no matter how challenging their situation, and no matter how much I can empathize with their pain, I always come back to the same thought –

The betrayed didn’t have a choice.

Nobody asked us if we thought an affair was a reasonable response to the situation. In fact, so often we were kept in the dark so that we were unaware that there even was a situation that needed addressing. We had no say in the choice of the affair partner or the resources (both time and money) that would be reallocated that direction. We were never consulted about the associated health risks of multiple partners or given a choice about protection. We never agreed to be lied to and we certainly didn’t sign up to be gaslighted.

The one who cheated made all of those decisions. Decisions that had a major impact on our lives.

And they did have a choice.

 

After Infidelity: When Your Partner Won’t Do the Recovery Work

Posted on by stilllearning2b