When Giving the Benefit of the Doubt Goes Too Far

Posted on by stilllearning2b
benefit of the doubt

I thought I was doing the right thing by giving my ex-husband the benefit of the doubt.

When he blamed a bank error for the lack of money in the checking account, I believed his explanation. As his demeanor shifted over our last months together and he seemed preoccupied, I was more than ready to blame it on the alarming and unusual hypertension issues he was having. And when he told me that he would never leave, I listened without reservation.

I had always believed that choosing to see your spouse in the best light possible was part of a happy marriage. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had allowed giving the benefit of the doubt to go too far.

Instead of seeing the best parts of him, I was seeing the man I wanted him to be.

Lisa Arends

The following seven questions will help you determine if you are giving someone the benefit of the doubt or if you’re letting it slide into excusing poor behavior.

1 – Are you ignoring signs in your gut that something is wrong?

Our subconscious minds are smart. Very smart. And yet we often dismiss what they’re telling us because it doesn’t align with what our rational brains have concluded (AKA confirmation bias).

Are you experiencing headaches or stomach troubles? Getting sick more often? Having trouble sleeping? Feeling usually anxious or irritable? All of those can be signs that you’re ignoring something beneath the surface.


2 – Do you give this person the benefit of the doubt consistently and across many areas?

Everybody makes mistakes. And everybody has areas of weakness where they may struggle to meet your expectations. It’s kind and completely appropriate to give somebody the benefit of the doubt when they are coming from a place of good intentions and show regret and/or effort to improve.

Problems arise when you find yourself continually making excuses for the same person and when those pardons cover a wide range of behaviors and situations. It’s one thing for them to mess up periodically or to struggle within a defined area, but if there are more wrongs than rights, they may be taking advantage of your kind nature.

3 – Do you have anxiety when you consider looking closer or confronting the person?

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt should not a substitute for the difficult conversations. When you notice someone of concern, are you jumping to excuses in lieu of looking closer or asking questions? If so, you may be providing a shield for their covert operations.

Trust, but verify. Ask, but listen with an open mind. Be willing to give the benefit of the doubt because you believe in them not because you’re afraid to face the truth.

4 – Who is initiating giving the benefit of the doubt – you or your partner?

If your partner is frequently offering up excuses or providing you with guiding lines such as, “Come on, you know I would never mean to do that,” they may not be deserving of your confidence. Instead, if you reach the conclusion independently and without pressure, it is a sign that it may be deserved.

5 – Is there a discrepancy in your acceptance or certain behaviors with them versus other people?

Do you find that you make excuses for your partner’s behaviors but that you are less tolerant of similar in others? This is a sign that your feelings for your partner or commitment to the relationships may be blinding you to the truth.

It’s natural to interpret the actions of those we care about in a favorable light and to paint strangers more harshly. But when the discrepancy is great, it may be time to reconsider your stance.

6 – How do the facts align with your conclusion?

First, make sure that you have some facts to support your conclusion. Even if they’re circumstantial (after all, we’re trying to be intentional in a relationship, not win a court case). For example, if you’re tempted to pass off your partner’s withdrawal to a period of intensity at work, ask yourself if this is a typical pattern of behavior for them under similar circumstances.

If the facts are spare or you’re unsure about them, go ahead and give the benefit of the doubt while at the same time making a mental note. Or, if this is a one off, let it be. If you start to see a pattern, pay attention.

7 – Do you re-evaluate your stance periodically and are you willing to change your mind?

This is one of those uncomfortable truths that I don’t like to face – it probably took a tsunami-level betrayal for me to accept the reality about my ex-husband. Anything less, and I would have tried to have talk myself out of what I seeing.

He had proven himself trustworthy in the early years of our relationship and I let that conclusion stand for the next dozen or so years. I made the mistake of believing that he still was what he used to be. And I ignored any signs to the contrary.

Getting to know somebody never ends. Never allow yourself to become so comfortable in a relationship that you neglect to see the truth. Keep your eyes open and trust in yourself that you can handle whatever you see. Being generous with giving the benefit of the doubt is part of a happy marriage, but only if you give it mindfully and appropriately.

It’s good to give someone the benefit of the doubt but be careful that you’re not giving up yourself in the process.

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Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheat

Have you been cheated on and you’re wondering why it happened? (It may not be what you think.)

Are you in a relationship and you’re concerned your partner may stray? (Being aware of these signs can allow arely intervention before an affair occurs.)

Would you like to know what to look for in a partner to limit the chances of an affair? (Knowing these shared characteristics can help you select a partner that is less likely to cheat.)

Knowledge is power.

Six Revealing Reasons People Cheat

It’s hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I discovered my husband was having an affair. It was one part horror, one part punch to the gut and one part relief, because some of the things that didn’t make sense finally did.

And of course, one of the first questions to enter the screaming torment of my mind was, “Why did he cheat on me?” Followed shortly by the self-preserving thoughts of,

“But I was a supportive wife.”

“We talked about everything and never fought.”

“We had a great sex life.”

“He always said he loved me.”

I thought that affairs happened only in the absence of love. Of sex. Of emotional intimacy.

I was wrong.

Affairs can happen for many reasons. Here are the ones I encounter the most:

1 – The Bad Decision

This is the “it just happened” infidelity, although that excuse makes my skin crawl. This is the affair born of bad decisions that may or may not have other co-existing causes. There is no magic in a wedding band that suddenly causes all others of the opposite sex to be invisible. We all meet people that we find attractive and that awaken that little spark. But you always have a choice. Long before anything happens, you can make the decision to walk away. The earlier the better. The closer you get to a flame, the more difficult it becomes to leave without ignition occurring. You may get to a point where your body has the best of you, but you can choose to use your brain before then.

2 – The Need for Physical Connection

A marriage where the partners have different sexual needs is certainly a struggle. In this type of affair, one (or both) of the partners is craving more physical intimacy and they look outside the marriage to sate their appetites. Sometimes the affair is proceeded with a pronouncement about one partner’s dissatisfaction with the dead or dying bedroom. Other times, the lips are kept sealed about any discontent, leaving the non-straying spouse in the dark.

My frustration with this type (and the affair described below), is that so often the straying partner is helping to create the desert at home by turning his or her attentions away. This reason is also used as a fictitious excuse for infidelity and can even be created by the straying partner as a way for them to reconcile their decisions within their own mind. After all, it’s easy to claim a sexless marriage and difficult to refute unless you never close your blinds.

3 – The Need for Emotional Connection

Two has the potential to be lonelier than one can ever be. There is no worse feeling that being with someone and yet feeling invisible. Sometimes, people can change and grow apart. Other times, one spouse may feel completely abandoned by their partner. I often hear this complaint after the arrival of a child, when one spouse returns to school or when one person is overwhelmed with increased duties at work. The partner left behind may feel ignored, unappreciated or disrespected. And they slide into an affair with someone who helps to build them back up.

In this type of affair, the straying partner is seeking responsiveness and demonstrative affection from another. They describe their marriage as “dead” and want to feel alive, appreciated and understood.

4 – The Need for Approval

This is often the affair of the narcissist. They are typically brief and in succession, a new partner replacing the former before he or she gets to know too much. This straying partner is driven by the need to be idolized, which is a trademark of early romance that fades as time reveals more about the person.

5 – The Need for Stimulation

Affairs can be rewarding; there is a rush from the newness that is amplified by the necessary intrigue. Some people are wired to need more stimulation. These are your daredevils and stockbrokers. Others train themselves to need an increasing amount of stimulation, such as in the case of addiction. Their threshold for stimulation is set higher than a “normal” life can fulfill and so they are always seeking their next reward. After all, there is a documented connection between Twitter use and affairs.

6 – The Snipe Hunt for Happiness

I find this the saddest reason for infidelity. In this case, a person is truly unhappy and, rather than address the issue internally where it resides, they begin a snipe hunt for happiness, looking for it in external things and often, people. This affair is not driven by something missing in the marriage; it’s powered by something missing in the person. And, what makes it sad to me is that while they are on a winless quest for happiness, they steal joy from others along the way. Even those that they truly love.

Regardless of the reason for the infidelity, it comes down to this –

Having an affair is a choice.

And there are certain characteristics of those that are more likely to make that choice.

Cheaters are often selfish and lack empathy.They act without regard for consequences to others and fail to see the bigger picture.

Cheaters often shirk responsibility for their own wellbeing and are quick to lay blame.This leads them to demonize their spouse, idolize their affair partner and refuse to consider their own actions.

Cheaters may be impulsive and struggle with boundaries. And this may put them in situations where it’s difficult to not make bad decisions.

Cheaters may be manipulative. They gaslight their spouse while telling the affair partner that the spouse is awful.

Cheaters are pros at compartmentalization. They build walls between their actions and their self-image in order to avoid the discomfort of cognitive dissonance.

Cheaters are often cowardly and afraid of confrontation. Rather than speak up with their spouse, they’d rather quietly step out.

Betrayal within in a marriage is some of the most acute pain you can feel as you face rejection by the one who promised to always hold you. By understanding what may have led to the affair (both in the marriage and in your spouse), you can begin to learn from the experience and eventually move on.

Refuse to let your partner’s actions determine your self worth. Because if you allow this to continue to hold you back, you’re ultimately cheating yourself.

 

Four Surprising Emotions You May Experience When You’ve Been Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b
cheated on

Shock?

Check.

 

Anger?

In droves.

 

Sadness?

The tears were surely a testament to that.

 

Fear of what was to come?

In every moment.

 

Before I had been on the receiving end of infidelity, I imagined that I would respond to the news that someone had cheated on me with anger, misery and a deep sense of betrayal. And when I did eventually encounter infidelity, those anticipated feelings were definitely present. But they weren’t alone.

These four emotions caught me by surprise after I was cheated on:

 

Relief

 

When evidence of a jewelry purchase appeared on the account activity, the first emotion I experienced was one of relief. For months, I had been experiencing an undercurrent of anxiety, a low-level hum that indicated that something in my life wasn’t calibrated correctly. My then-husband’s sudden exit with a brusque text message confirmed that my subconscious was indeed onto something. Yet, it was only with the discovery of the affair in the days after the text, that the pieces began to fall into place.

 

Relief is the last emotion I would have expected to feel upon the discovery that my husband was cheating. Yet the sense of release was unmistakable. I felt reassured that I wasn’t going crazy; the cause of my anxiety was finally revealed. Even as I struggled to accept the horrific truths, I found comfort in the fact that they had been brought to light. After all, an adversary you can see is less frightening than the one hiding in the shadows.

 

It is often the case that the betrayed partner has a sense that something is wrong in the marriage. However, due to the cheating partner’s efforts to keep their transgressions hidden and the betrayed spouse’s fear of facing the truth, it can be difficult to pinpoint exactly what is amiss. The discovery of the affair is conformation that something is wrong and it helps to provide an explanation for the words and actions that may have been misaligned.

 

The discovery of an affair is sickening, a sucker-punch to the heart that may well bring you to your knees. Yet alongside the grief and anger, you may just find yourself relieved to finally know the truth. There is pain, but now it is in the light.

 

 

Sympathy

 

I had no reason to feel sorry for him.

 

He had been lying for years, stealing my money, my heart and my trust. He ended the marriage in the most cruel and cowardly manner possible and then led a fabrication-fueled offensive against me in court. One the one hand, I hated him, this man who had turned from my protector to my persecutor. Yet at the same time, I felt sympathy for him, the man whom I had loved and wanted to see happy.

 

I envisioned him lost, hurting and confused. I wanted to provide comfort, reassurance. I simply couldn’t shut off all of the concern that I held for him; caring for him was a deeply-ingrained habit if nothing else.  And then reality would intrude again, and the empathy and compassion would be replaced with indignation and a desire for justice.  

 

As is common with cheaters and abusers, he tried to cultivate sympathy, both from me and from others. His hand held several victim cards, and he played them carefully, both to distract from his actions and to gain favor for his benefit. Interestingly, this “poor me” act had the opposite effect on me; the more he tried to garner commiseration, the less I felt sorry for him.

 

Many cheaters cry crocodile tears and make pleas of “needing to find their happiness” in an attempt to continue their actions and to continue to avoid the consequences. They may bring up stories of childhood trauma, times they have been betrayed or claim misery at work or home. If these appeals for sympathy are unaccompanied by a claim of responsibility for their choices, they are using your kindness and tendency to nurture against you.

 

From an outsider’s perspective, sympathy for the betrayer makes no sense. Yet from the inside, the emotional response is often not so clear-cut.  After all, this was a person whom you loved. You’re probably struggling to understand how they could do these things to you and you may see them as operating under extreme duress, as though their own mind was holding a gun to their back, ordering these out-of-character actions. They may even be using your sympathy to manipulate you, knowing that if you feel compassion towards them, you’ll be less likely to enforce consequences.

 

In the beginning, you may find yourself swinging between a need to make them pay and a desire to soothe their pain. In the long run, you can find a balance between sympathy and rage. From a place of detached compassion, you can begin to find peace and some sense of understanding while maintaining the necessary boundaries that will keep you safe.

 

 

Self-doubt

 

“Living with her was impossible,” my then-husband expressed about me in an email to my mother. “She was always negative and nothing was ever enough for her.” Even though I knew his words were woven from fabrications and projections, they still filled me with a sense of doubt. Was I always negative? Was I impossible to live with?

 

I learned that he had long ago paved the way for his friends to believe his version. At work, he told outrageous (and completely invented) stories of my transgressions and irrational demands. Further complicating matters, upon learning about his rapid and covert exit, others assumed that I must have done something terrible in order for him to act in such an extreme manner.

 

I knew all of these claims were false. I had years of emails, notes and photos to counteract many of the lies and countless friends and coworkers that fully had my back. His lies rose to absurd levels and often contradicted each other.

 

Yet still I wondered. Somehow still believing his self-serving lies even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

 

Because that’s the power of gaslighting. It turns your world upside down while you’re simultaneously being told that you’re just seeing things. It plants seeds of doubt deep within your brain that spread their tenacious tendrils of uncertainty months and even years into the future.

 

Gaslighting is frequently used as a manipulation tactic to try to distract from and excuse an affair. In addition to the self-confidence blow delivered by being rejected, gaslighting can lead to a major crisis in your ability to trust yourself and your perceptions. So you can find yourself in the crazy-making place of questioning your own character when it was your spouse that made the decision to betray the vows.

 

 

Mania

 

I pursued the facts with the tenacity of a dog attempting to reach the last bit of peanut butter from the bottom of the jar. Nights found me at my computer instead of my bed, diligently building a case against my husband until it filled the better part of a large plastic bin.

 

As the court process slowly made its way to a conclusion, I transferred my energy to running. Then, to dating. And once I found a groove there, I focused my endless energy on moving into an apartment and creating my new space.

 

Others questioned where I found the reserves to keep moving. I questioned if I would ever be able to stop. I felt consumed by this manic and all-consuming energy, an unexpected side effect of the betrayal and abandonment.

 

Post-divorce mania is characterized by an increase in energy accompanied by an intensity of focus. It’s a compelling drive, a sense of being propelled by an internal motor that refuses to idle. It often has an obsessive quality, focusing on one thing to the exclusion of all else.

 

This mania is initiated by a fear of slowing down and feeling too much. It’s maintained because it’s compulsive nature feeds our dopamine receptors, keeping us coming back for more. It’s a side effect of the need for action, the gas pedal to the floor and the steering misaligned.

 

Like with any mania, it’s hard to see the bigger picture while you’re in it. Especially because it feels better than being sad and powerless. And also like any mania, it’s unbalanced. Too much yang and not enough yin.

 

Ultimately, there is no “right” way to feel after betrayal. The emotions will be strong and sometimes unexpected. They will tumble over each other and trip you up in the process. You’ll have moments of overwhelming pain and glimpses of radiant hope. And most importantly, no matter how overwhelming or surprising those emotions are, you WILL make it through.

 

 

 

10 Ways to Survive at Work When You’re Divorcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just push a pause button on life while we’re trying to get it together during divorce? Unfortunately, such a button has yet to be invented. And so we are stuck trying to keep up with our responsibilities at work while our emotions and personal lives are pulling us down.

And it’s not easy.

Here are 10 easy things you can do to help make it a little less tough that don’t require calling in sick for the next year:)

10 Ways to Survive at Work When You’re Divorcing

 

Life doesn’t stop when your marriage does. Here are some ideas on how to hold it together at work while your life is falling apart –

 

1 – Appoint a Point Person

 

Depending upon your nature and the culture of your workplace, you may decide to be open and transparent about your current situation or you may decide to keep it under wraps. Regardless of your position, I encourage you to confide in at least one person at work. Choose wisely – you’re looking for somebody who will be supportive rather than a busybody and will be understanding and helpful even if only provided with the barest of details.

Divorce can be very isolating and when you spend the majority of your day around people who don’t know about your situation, it can feel as though you’re in quarantine. Having a point person at work gives you a release valve. A friendly face and an encouraging word go a long way when you feel completely discouraged.

 

2 – Find a Safe Place

 

No matter how accepting your workplace is, you probably want to try to avoid tears at your desk or screams of profanity over the phone in the break room. Take a moment to scout out a safe place, a secluded spot inside or outside your work where you can retreat when you need a moment to get yourself together.

 

3 – Develop an Elevator Speech

 

Even if you decide not to reveal the unraveling of your marriage, people will notice that something is different. And being questioned when you’re raw can strip away any semblance of sanity and togetherness you are projecting.

So write your elevator speech, a canned and brief response that can be uttered in response to any probing questions. One that I often used – “I’m in the middle of a major life renovation.” Once you write your speech, practice it until you can say it without emotion.

 

4 – Clear Your Head

 

Institute an emotional purging ritual that you engage in before you begin your work day. I used a timer set for 8 minutes and a journal where I would write out all of the negativity and fears that arose during the night.

Follow your purge with a few moments of mindfulness. This can be as simple as ten deep breaths with intention and focus. This combination of release and awareness will help to keep your emotions in check throughout the work day.

 

5 – Block Messages

 

Divorce has a way of being intrusive. And whether it’s a call from your lawyer about another needed document or a text from your ex about custody, those messages can completely derail your work day. Most of these messages demand attention, but are not emergencies. So block them for the duration or part of your work day and set aside time each day to read, listen and respond to divorce-related news. Just by attending to the information on your own schedule will go a long way to making you feel in control of your emotions.

6 – Get Up and Move

A still body fosters a restless mind. If your job is mainly sedentary or keeps you in one primary location, make an effort to take movement breaks. If you can, strive to move with enough energy to elevate your heart rate, as the corresponding release of neurotransmitters will help to calm your mind and reset your mental state for work.

 

7 – Schedule Strategically

 

Some bad days seem to come out of nowhere. But others can be anticipated. If you have an upcoming day that you suspect will be rough – a court appearance, an anniversary, a birthday – use your schedule strategically. Need a day off work? Maybe it’s a good time for a doctor’s appointment. Need something to look forward to after a bum day? Schedule a vacation. Also, if you have control over your workload, you can intentionally ramp it up as a distraction or lighten the load if you need a break.

 

8 – Find a Centering Focus

 

Place something in your workspace that acts as a center, a prompt to take a deep breath. A sign that it will eventually be okay. A reminder of what is really important. It can be a picture, a quote or even an object. Think of it as your mascot or slogan for your new life.

 

9 – Stock Up on Sticky Notes

 

Your brain won’t work right for a period of time. It’s suffering from a TLI (Traumatic Life Injury) and it’s processing and memory capabilities will be reduced. I used to make fun of my mom for her abundance of sticky notes. And then I went through divorce and papered my own surroundings!

Don’t try to keep everything in your working memory; devise and implement some sort of note-taking strategy. Think of it as an external hard drive for your overtaxed brain.

 

10 – Get Into the Flow

 

Work can be a blessing during divorce. Allow yourself to become immersed in your responsibilities. Seek to enter a state of flow, where the outside world fades away and time seems to suspend. Let your work remind you of your strengths and your value.

Above all, be kind to yourself during this time. You’re facing some major changes and it’s only natural that the impact will bleed into your work. And the more you learn to accept and work with the reverberations, the less they will rattle you.

Taking a Break From Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
break

I’m leaving my husband tomorrow.

But don’t worry. I’ll return on Wednesday.

This is my spring break week and since my husband is not in education, it’s a normal week for him. So instead of doing something together as a couple, I’m heading out for a couple days of R&R in nature with my dear friend.

My husband and I will both benefit from this break. He will have time to be the master of his domain – watching television in bed, not worrying about leaving dishes out and spending time with the pups. I will have the opportunity to reconnect with my friend (it’s been a busy school year for us both) and to nurture a different side of myself.

This break gives us both time to reestablish who we are as individuals before we return to life as a couple. It gives us time to miss each other and to remind ourselves why we choose to share our lives.

A break provides space to breathe and time to reflect.

I’ve always found it funny/sad how we all seem to intuitively understand the need for a break between relationships. A time for re-centering and focusing on what makes you, you. It’s a decluttering, an opportunity to shut out the voices of those around you and instead, to listen to your own wisdom.

But those breaks are important within relationships too. Perhaps even more important. Without a break, the lines between “me” and “we” can become blurred to where you no longer know where one begins and the other ends. If there are no release valves, the marriage can begin to feel like a prison as the pressure builds with no means of escape. And when the other person is always there, it’s easy to begin to take them for granted.

Breaks also help to reinforce trust within a relationship. They provide practice in knowing that the other is there even when they are out of sight and a reinforcement that no matter how much we love another, they always retain their own agency. A reminder that control is ultimately an illusion.

Without a break, anything in life can become monotonous or drudgery. We fall into patterns and rest on our habits and assumptions. Breaks provide an opportunity to re-enter our lives with fresh eyes and a restored sense of self.

Peace out, peeps. I’ll see y’all on the flip side:)