When All You See is the Path, You Lose the Destination

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I took my second jiu jitsu class today. For the most part, the language of the mat is as unfamiliar to me as Latvian was last month. But every so often, a phrase will reach my ears that makes perfect sense.

At the end of class, my husband has everybody circle up and share one thing they did well in class that day.

(As an aside, how awesome is that? Jiu jitsu is one of those sports where you spend years getting your ass handed to you over and over again. It’s easy for people to leave a class feeling defeated. This one simple ritual helps overcome that negativity spiral. And this is an easy habit that we can ALL do at the end of every day.)

One relatively new student shared about how he’s starting to understand how moves link together and the importantance of not becoming too wedded to a particular attack.

I immediately nodded in understanding, as this was a lesson I learned many years ago in fencing. When you become too committed to one particular move, you become frustrated and easily stuck if that move is thwarted. You become more focused on the specific path than on the desired overall outcome.

My husband described it this way –

 

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The picture on the top is what happens when you become too committed to a particular attack. You develop tunnel vision and you no longer are able to see the other possibilities.

The bottom picture shows a better approach. Know what you’re going for, but also be aware of everything around it. And don’t be afraid to change your approach.

Good stuff, that.

On my afternoon run, I got to thinking about how this same idea applies to life. It’s so easy to get overly focused on how we’re going to reach our goals (a specific partner, a particular job, a desired number of children, an anticipated income), that if those are taken away from us, we feel frustrated and stuck. We become so wedded to those particular things that we cannot see another option.

I went through a little thought exercise on my run. I’d like to share it with you and have you try it too.

 

First, I want you to think of your major life goals/values/driving principles.

Nope, those are too specific. Try again. To help keep them broad, limit yourself to two.

Here’s mine –

  1. I want to leave my little campsite that I’m occupying for my time on earth just a little better than I found it.
  2. I want to live a life that is driven by love not fear.

 

Next, think about what you’re doing in your life right now that helps to meet that goal.

Again, I’ll share some of mine with you –

Goal 1

  • As a teacher, I’m using some of the deficits in my own math instruction to help me reach more students in a meaningful way.
  • After feeling so alone during divorce, I’m working to use my experience to help others that are going through similar.

Goal 2

  • I continually find ways to persevere despite my anxiety about a situation. This could be anything from going down a hill (seriously. I know.) to initiating a difficult conversation with my husband.
  • In the classroom, I choose to handle classroom management through relationship building rather than punitive discipline, which is often motivated by a fear of the kids gaining the upper hand.

 

Lastly, brainstorm some other ways that you could also work towards that same goal that you do NOT currently have in your life.

Here are just a few of mine for goal 1. This is brainstorming, so they run the gamut –

  • volunteer in my community
  • win the lottery and donate a significant sum to a charity
  • pick up trash that I encounter on the trail or the river
  • make an effort to make everyone I speak to feel valued and important
  • go camping and leave behind a “welcome” note with a little firewood for the next guests
  • use my teaching skills to train people in a particular skill so that they can find employment

 

It’s amazingly freeing to step back sometimes and truly see how many possibilities there really are. Even if I lost my job tomorrow, never wrote another blog post and ended up divorced and broke again, I could still find ways to move towards that life goal. (Note to the universe – this is NOT a challenge!)

And that’s a pretty awesome realization.

Even when you lose one approach, you’re not out.

It just means it’s time to try something else.

 

 

Share Your Successes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In many ways, 2017 has been a rough year for me. I lost my best buddy, Tiger, years before his time. I’ve had a challenging time finding balance with work, especially when I expected year two to be less overwhelming. As a result of my work schedule, I’ve felt a strange mix of over-extended for an introvert and yet also lonely, as I haven’t had time to connect enough with friends.  I’ve had several people close to me experience challenging times, major crises and unimaginable loss. I’ve both grieved with them and hurt for them. I reached a milestone birthday (forty) and even though the age doesn’t bother me, my body will no longer accept the same amount of training I have done in the past.

But of course, that’s not the whole story.

There have been successes alongside the harder times. My husband and I have grown stronger together and we leaned on each other through our grief over Tiger. I’ve been honored to be recognized as a teacher of the year and the top contributor for DivorceForce. I was able to go on a trip I’d dreamed about for twenty years and meet up with a friend I hadn’t seen in twenty years for another trip. I’ve made new friends (no easy task for an overworked introvert). I reached my summer goal of writing a second book and I feel good about its message. I continue to do better with staying mindful and less anxious. And I’m ending the year experiencing success with the selection of and training a new puppy.

And that’s how life goes.

The downs follow the ups and the summits don’t last forever. The triumphs blend through the struggles like the veins in a slab of granite. And the good times sometimes turn out to be bad and upon further reflection, the bad is sometimes revealed to be good.

So as we close out this year that’s been both awful and excellent, I ask for you to take a moment and share your successes here. Maybe it’s something you’ve survived that you believed you couldn’t. Maybe you’ve made progress towards a goal. Or perhaps you’ve done something that has helped to improve the life of another. No matter how small in number or scale, no matter how much this year may have sucked for you, you HAVE achieved something.

Share it. Celebrate it.

End this year on a positive and hopeful note.

Maybe, just maybe, the best is yet to come.

Forget New Year’s Resolutions! Resolve What’s Eating You Inside

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Did you make a resolution for this year?

Three days in, how are you doing with your resolution?

Still going strong? Awesome!

Or are you starting to think you may have been a bit too enthusiastic with your goals?

The reality is that most resolutions “fail,” not because we are weak but because we are bad at looking at the bigger picture. We craft resolutions that are sprints and then expect them to go the distance. We confuse effort with outcomes and neglect to address the very real obstacles in our way.

Yet we try again each year.

And you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results:)

So if your New Year’s resolutions aren’t working for you, try these resolution hacks instead!

I’ve never been a fan of resolutions. They always seemed punitive to me – starting with the belief that you’ve been “bad” and need to be “good.” They are usually black and white, leaving little room for adjustment. Most people give up on their resolutions within weeks; I merely need to count the heads in the gym every January to see this in action. People start out with the loftiest goals and, when they fail to meet them, they often internalize the failure, leading to the demise of the intention.

A standard resolution only scratches the surface. It focuses on the number on the scale rather than your relationship with that number. It looks at the balance in your bank account and discounts how that number is related to your self-worth. As such, even if the resolution is reached, there may still be a residual sense of unhappiness as the real issues remain untouched.

All of that is not to say that resolutions are inherently ineffectual. Growth and change is important and should be embraced (no matter the date on the calendar). And it can be done while embracing your imperfect, human self. Rather than see resolutions as a single question, pass/fail exam, look at it as a process, a cycle. There is no failure, no shame in being less than perfect. Rather, each time you fall short of your intention, is simply a sign to learn and begin again.

Sure, you can set a goal about what you’re eating. But in order to tackle what’s really eating you inside, complete the following statements and exercises:

“I can’t…”

Start by identifying your self-limiting beliefs by recognizing the restrictions you place on yourself with your thoughts and your words. Maybe you think you can never obtain that degree or complete that 5K. Perhaps you’re convinced that you’ll never find love again or that you can never get over a lost love. Spend some time brainstorming here. These thoughts become so natural, so much a part of us, that they soon become part of the surroundings and difficult to identify.

Now that you’ve identified what you believe you can’t do, it’s time to prove yourself wrong. Pick one of your limiting beliefs about yourself and make it happen. It will be difficult, mainly because your biggest opposition is your own mind.

I tackled one of my own “I can’ts” on my 30th birthday. Until that point, I had never been able to run a mile. Even in school. I had various excuses – asthma, a bad ankle – that all had some merit. But my real obstacle was myself and my internal narrative that said, “I can’t run.”

So on that birthday, I went to a local part with a half-mile track and I ran halfway around it before I collapsed. I went back the next day. And the next. Six years later, I ran a full marathon, officially proving myself wrong.

I could have phrased my resolution as simply wanting to run a marathon. But by thinking of it in terms of removing a self-imposed boundary, I was able to gain a sense of confidence and achievement that would not have been possible otherwise.

“I’ll be happy when…”

We all have a tendency to play this game, assuming that once the goal weight has been reached, the promotion earned, the child conceived, we will be happy. Uncover your own factors that are keeping you in life’s waiting room.

That was the easy part. The surface.

Now, dig into why you believe you’ll be happier once that particular goal is reached. How do you think your life will look differently? How do you expect you’ll feel differently?

And then question the assumption that you have to wait for that event to occur before you can be happy. Craft a duel resolution that provides steps towards your goal while, at the same time, focuses on your happiness while your working to make that intention a reality.

We often assign an almost-magical ability to an unachieved goal, believing in the dream that once that one piece is in place, everything else will be smooth. This two-prong resolution approach helps to limit that magical thinking while also ensuring that you’re not wasting your life in limbo, waiting for a goal that may never be realized.

I found myself embroiled in the “I’ll be happy when…” fallacy after my divorce. I was facing years of payments on the debt that my husband accrued and dumped in my lap. Payments that meant I had very little money to spare on extras or even necessities. I was counting down the months until I would be free of the debt and also be happy again. As though I could only be happy when I had money for myself.

A few months in, I found myself angry. At myself.

Yes, my ex left me the debt, but I was allowing it to hold me prisoner. I made a promise to myself to not feel limited by my financial situation. Even as I worked to pay off the balances, I worked even harder to pay myself. Not in money, but in experiences and things that brought me joy.

I could have made a resolution to simply pay off the debt. But then, I quite possibly could have found myself back in the black yet still feeling bankrupt in life.

 

“I’m grateful for…”

I’ve always found it funny that we focus on gratitude for what we have in November and then follow it with a focus on what we don’t have in January. Every resolution can benefit from a side of gratitude. Be thankful for what you have at the same time you’re striving for what you want.

I never said this would be easy. But it will be worth it once you resolve what is really eating you inside.

Forget New Year’s Resolutions! Here’s What to Do Instead

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Did you make a resolution for this year?

Three days in, how are you doing with your resolution?

Still going strong? Awesome!

Or are you starting to think you may have been a bit too enthusiastic with your goals?

The reality is that most resolutions “fail,” not because we are weak but because we are bad at looking at the bigger picture. We craft resolutions that are sprints and then expect them to go the distance. We confuse effort with outcomes and neglect to address the very real obstacles in our way.

Yet we try again each year.

And you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results:)

So if your New Year’s resolutions aren’t working for you, try these resolution hacks instead!

 

The Shortcut for Healing After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Every spring, I hear a common refrain in my classroom. Almost as predictable and consistent as the tree frogs singing outside.

We are at the point in the curriculum where topics have built and overlapped upon each other until a single problem can take up half of a piece of paper. Each day, as I painstakingly go over each step (after anchoring the new material to the known and illustrating the meaning behind the process), I inevitably hear a voice, “Okay, so what’s the shortcut?” And then, since 8th graders are famous for tuning out, I hear the same question repeated throughout the class.

And I have to be the one to break it to them.

There is no shortcut.

There is only process.

One step at a time that breaks the seemingly insurmountable heap of algebra into smaller and smaller digestible pieces.

Until the x has been stripped of all its mystery and power and isolated on the other side of the equal sign.

I hear a similar refrain the newly divorced throughout the year. The words vary, but the intent is the same:

“What’s the shortcut to healing?”

And I have to be the one to break it to them.

There is no shortcut.

There is only process.

One step at a time that breaks the seemingly insurmountable heap of hurt into smaller and smaller digestible pieces.

Until the ex has been stripped of all his or her mystery and power and isolated on the other side of the mental divide.

I teach my students about the power of intention. I coach them to remind themselves at the outset of a problem what they are trying to accomplish. Then, at each step along the way, I ask them to question if that choice helps them reach their stated goal.

As newly-minted mathematicians, they make mistakes and often work inefficiently. Yet, if they keep their goal in mind, they get there, even if it takes more paper or the use of an eraser. And, by remembering their intention, they know when they are finished and the goal has been reached.

Healing is no different. Set your intention at the outset. What are you trying to accomplish? Before you act, ask yourself if it helps you move towards your goal. If you misstep, don’t stop. Simply back up and try a new path.

I work to set a classroom environment where mistakes are opportunities and it is okay to ask for assistance. I alternately push them and praise them as I move them along. I aim for them to always be a little uncomfortable; too easy and they don’t grow, too hard and they give up in frustration.

Make your environment a positive one. Surround yourself with the right people. Learn from mistakes. Ask for help when you need it. And strive to keep yourself just a little bit out of your comfort zone. That’s where the magic happens.

When my students ask me about a shortcut, I try to listen to their complaints. Yes, I admit to them, the process is somewhat arduous and has places where they may falter. Yes, I agree with their cries, that that they may make many mistakes and that starting over is both frustrating and disheartening. And yes, I empathize with their pleas, that they wish they didn’t have to do this.

And after I listen, I reassure.

Yes, you may stumble. And if you keep moving towards your goal, you will get there.

Yes, it will be difficult sometimes. And when you reach your goal, you will be stronger than ever before.

Yes, there are times it will feel impossible. And you will feel so amazing when you accomplish the impossible.

Yes, I will be here for you when you need me. And I will help you need me a little less every day.

Yes, you can do this. And once you believe you can, you will.

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