Five Eye-Opening Truths About Divorcing With Kids

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There’s a lot you know about how to divorce with kids. Yet there are some realities that still may surprise you. Are you aware of these five eye-opening truths?

 

You know not to alienate the children from their other parent.

From the day this all began, you vowed to not withhold the children from your ex. And you’ve stuck to your word, fulfilling every scheduled visit and being careful not to not restrict access.

Yet you’re starting to see that access isn’t enough to maintain a parent/child bond and you’re worried for the kids as you see the distance growing between them and their other parent.

So you try to step in, to encourage the kids to connect and to compel your ex to put forth more effort into establishing a relationship. You beg, you implore, you question and you grow increasingly frustrated at the situation. You struggle to understand why they’re not prioritizing the kids and every time you see your kids disappointed, your heart breaks a little more.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –  

You can’t create, maintain or improve the children’s relationship with the other parent. All you can do is provide access and refrain from mudslinging. The rest of the work is up to them.

What you can do is to continue to be there for your children and reassure them that their parent’s behavior is not their fault or their responsibility. You can teach them empathy and help them understand that even adults struggle to manage things sometimes.

Your ex may step up and form a relationship with the kids sooner rather than later. They may keep their distance for a time, only to develop a meaningful bond with their adult children. Or, as much as it pains you, they may never connect with their children. Let go of the illusion of control over that outcome.

 

You know not to badmouth your ex in front of the kids.

Chapter 1 of How to Divorce With Kids is, “Don’t badmouth your ex in front of the kids.” Everyone knows it and most try to follow this guideline, setting aside their own feelings for the sake of the kids.

So you bite your tongue when little ears are listening and save your tirades for more private times. You carefully craft your responses to difficult questions to avoid implicating your ex.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

You have to make an effort to not compromise your ex’s new partner in the minds of the kids. Which, in cases where this new partner entered the picture before you left, is a very difficult task to manage.

But it’s important. For you, this other person embodies all of the bitterness and sorrow you feel, becoming more of a monster and less of a person. Yet for your kids, this person is another (perhaps significant) adult in their lives, someone they have to negotiate a relationship with and perhaps even learn to accept as a future stepparent.

When you allow your feelings for your ex’s partner to show (even if they’re un-vocalized), it creates confusion and tension for your kids. On the one hand, they want to be loyal and supportive of you and on the other hand, they don’t want conflict with their other parent.

No, it’s not easy and it’s often not fair. But your kids are worth the effort. So strive to separate what the other partner represents to you from who they are to your kids.

 

You know not to place the blame on the kids.

Children have a tendency to internalize everything. So it’s common that when they learn of the impending divorce, they think that it must be due to their refusal to go to bed on time last week or the tantrum they threw in the check-out line at the grocery store. And you know to reassure them that they are not at fault, that these are adult problems between mommy and daddy and that both of their parents love them so very much.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

One of the biggest struggles after divorce is the rediscovery of your purpose and when you’re a parent, that role and by extension, your children, fill that need nicely. Of course your kids are your biggest priority, but you have to be careful after divorce not to make them your only concern.

When the kids become your sole purpose for moving on and pushing through, you’re inadvertently putting all of the responsibility for your well-being on their tiny shoulders.

And that’s a huge burden for them to bear. Instead, focus on taking care of yourself while also looking out for them. Model for them what true independence and perseverance look like. In the end, that will serve them better than you existing only to fill their needs.

 

You know to be available to talk when the kids are ready.

You end the dreaded “We’re getting a divorce announcement with, “I’m here whenever you need to talk.” And you mean those words. You frequently check in with your children and you’re ready to drop everything and listen whenever they’re in the mood to open up.

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

Especially if your children are in or approaching double-digit ages, you may not be their preferred go-to when they are struggling with the divorce. It’s important for you to provide access to other safe adults for them to talk to and to let them know that it’s okay for them to open up.

It can be stressful to think about the details of your divorce from your child’s perspective being shared, but if you deliver the message that the topic is taboo, it breeds a sense of shame and secrecy in the kids.

It is more important that your children are able to talk through their fears and concerns with somebody than it is for that somebody to be you or for you to control what information is revealed.

 

You know that your divorce impacts the kids.

Children need a sense of security and stability and divorce threatens both. Inevitably, children are affected when their parents separate. 

And here’s the eye-opening truth –

When you focus too much on the strain and impact of the situation, you may be unintentionally promoting a sense of victimhood in your children. Too much emphasis on what happened emphasizes the lack of control the kids have over the situation and gives them the feeling that they are damaged. Perhaps permanently.

Instead, focus on building grit. Share stories of overcoming adversity. Model and vocalize the power of choice in any situation. Acknowledge the impact the divorce has had on them yet also refuse to allow them to be defined by that singular event.

Fortitude and a sense of power over their own well-being are two of the biggest gifts you can give your children. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.

Three Questions to Ask Yourself to Extinguish Your Divorce Anger

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The anger bubbled to the surface, blistering under the broiler that was the financial mess my first husband gifted to me in the divorce. Every month, as I made payments I struggled to afford towards debt that he had accrued, my body would respond with a vicious energy and my mind would rail against the unfairness of it all.

That anger was poison roiling inside me, its caustic nature wearing away at me, in some ways causing even more damage than he had done with his reckless spending and deliberate betrayals.

Whenever somebody pointed out that my anger was only hurting me, I grew defensive and, yes, angry. “I’m justified to feel this way!” I would insist. “He did these things and left me to clean up his mess. It’s not fair!”

And I was right.

But so were they.

He may have initiated my anger through his actions, but it was now my responsibility to eradicate my own rage.

Here are the questions I asked myself along with the answers I arrived at that finally allowed me to release my anger:

Why do I feel angry?

I feel foolish.

We all like to think of ourselves as smart, as aware. When we hear about incidents befalling others, we find comfort in the idea that it couldn’t happen to us because we’re too perceptive. So when it does happen to us, we feel like a chump.

Maybe you’re embarrassed about your mate selection, only now realizing how poorly you picked. Perhaps you were betrayed and you didn’t pick up on the signs of the infidelity. Or now you believe you married too young, or didn’t heed the red flags or made choices that led to the derailment of your marriage.

There’s a reason that public embarrassment provides the spark for many grade school fights  – we don’t like the vulnerability and shame that feeling foolish provokes, so we respond by turning the tables and attacking back.

Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

It’s not fair.

“After all that I did for him, this is how he repays me???”

But there are no scorecards in life, no playground monitors ensuring that everybody gets their turn or Hollywood directors carefully crafting an ending. And so most things don’t fall into our vision of “fair.”

The anger here comes from the disconnect between our expectations (that if we do good, good should come back) and reality (both good and bad happen to us all).

I wasted my time.

When a marriage ends, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that all of the time and energy that went into the relationship was a waste, thrown out like milk turned sour.

And that is time that you can never recoup.  Opportunities that were passed by that may never come around again.

When my ex left, I found myself questioning all of the major decisions I made while we were together and blaming him for all of my choices. Choices I would have made differently if I had known the end result.

Is the Time Spent in a “Failed” Marriage Wasted?

Why did they act this way?

 

He acted to protect himself rather than to try to wound me.

This realization was probably the single most important factor in my ability to finally let go of the anger. I had been envisioning him as some sort of malevolent conductor, carefully orchestrating my undoing.

It took time for me to depersonalize it all and to see it from his perspective. He was acting to try to alleviate his own pain and in turn, carelessly caused mine.

Selfish? Absolutely.

But not a targeted attack.

He was too cowardly to face things.

I certainly would have preferred a sit down talk about the state of our finances and marriage to abandonment and embezzlement, but he wasn’t capable of that kind of honesty at that point.

It takes courage to face hard truths and to have difficult conversations. Often when people behave poorly in a marriage, they lack that courage and instead express themselves in a more passive-aggressive (and often more destructive) manner.

He was damaged and may have been coping the best he knew how.

I started to see him as a scared and wounded child, putting together the pieces I knew of his past and his family.  I saw the shame that drove him deeper into the shadows. I learned of the depth of the addictions that drove his lies. I saw the overwhelming darkness that he became lost in, choking on the very cloak he tried to hide behind.

And I softened towards him. It didn’t excuse his actions, they were still unpardonable and it didn’t lessen the damage he caused. But it did help to take away some of the sting that stirred the anger.

How can I release the anger?

 

Be grateful.

With every payment I made towards the debt he amassed, I wrote down one thing I was grateful for in my current life. At the beginning, this exercise was a challenge, sometimes requiring more than an hour for one positive entry to cross my mind.

But in time, it became easy. Faced with that tangible list of positives every month, I could see my new and better life growing in front of my eyes. It was still a high price to pay, but I was determined to make sure the payments weren’t going to be made in vain.

Compose a letter.

I started journaling the week my ex left, the pages a silent receptacle for the pain and anger welling up inside me. At the same time, I composed letters to him, alternately screaming and crying. I sent two of those, the rest I kept.

The purging felt good. Necessary.

But it didn’t alleviate the anger.

Until I wrote a very particular one – the letter that I wanted to receive from him.

As you can imagine, it felt strange at first writing this. But soon, the awkwardness faded and the tears came. Healing tears, tears of mourning and yet acceptance.

I read that letter frequently the first year, the words feeling real. And isn’t that what matters?

Work to right the wrongs. 

Anger demands action.

I identified the primary sources of my anger towards the situation and actively worked to address each in turn.

I felt foolish, so I decided to counteract that embarrassment by sharing my story and helping others know that they were not alone.

I felt like it was unfair, so I found ways to earn money out of the experience and used those resources to help pay for the debt he incurred.

I felt angry about the time spent with him and the decisions I made with the marriage in mind, so I focused on celebrating the positives that came out of those times and choices.

I was justified in my anger.

But that didn’t mean I needed to keep it.

So Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I want us to be friends.”

This little sentence shows up on your phone alongside your ex’s name. It’s a simple sentence, yet the implications and possible repercussions are anything but straightforward.

You start to reply. Then you reconsider and delete your initial response. What should you say?

Before you make a decision about your ex’s desire to be friends after divorce, ask yourself these questions:

How long has it been since the divorce?

There are no hard and fast rules here. Some people can be friendly with their exes throughout the divorce process and others still can’t be in the same room even decades later.

Yet there is something to be said for instituting a “you keep to your life and I’ll keep to mine” rule during the divorce and for a year or so after. That distance helps both of you create the separation needed to be able to move forward and encourages the release of interdependency. Time allows any romantic feelings or residual resentment to fade, creating a blanker canvas where friendship may be able to grow.

 

Was the decision to divorce mutual or one-sided?

“I want to move in with my affair partner but I still want to be friends” is a very different situation than an agreed-upon divorce after years of growing apart. A mutual decision to divorce may in fact have been reached because over time, the marriage transitioned into more of a friendship.

If you have been dumped, you may recoil at the very thought of remaining friendly with your ex. Or conversely, you may find that you jump at the chance of a friendship with the unspoken hope that it may evolve into something more. If the decision to divorce was one-sided, there is an imbalance that may preclude friendship, at least for a time.

 

Are you working to establish a co-parenting relationship with your ex?

A productive co-parenting relationship is analogous to a connection with a coworker. It’s two people who have negotiated boundaries and expectations in order to effectively manage external tasks and demands. This takes time to figure out and during this period of trial and error, it’s often best to try to minimize the emotional involvement.

And just like friendships at work can be tricky, adding an element of friendship to a new co-parenting relationship can complicate matters. It’s one thing to be frustrated at your child’s other parent for failing to follow through on a promised plan, but it’s something else entirely when that person is also a confidant.

If, however, your co-parenting relationship is established and functional, you may find that the addition of a friendship is beneficial to the larger family and that you’re able to successfully negotiate any issues that arise.

 

Do you have any physical sensations of stress or attraction when you’re around your ex?

Do butterflies of excitement begin to flutter when you see your ex’s car pull up? Or instead, do you find that you begin to develop a headache whenever they’re around?

These physical signs are an indication that you are still emotionally tied to your ex, either positively or negatively. Either of these makes beginning a friendship a dangerous game to play because you’re only intensifying the emotional connection.

 

Do you find that talking to your ex brings down your mood or leads to a sense of anxiety?

Maybe you feel fine when you’re with your ex only to become snappy with the kids later. Perhaps you realize that a night spent tossing and turning always seems to follow contact. Or possibly a general sense of malaise comes on the tail of every visit.

Friends should make you feel better. If you end up feeling worse, maybe “friend” isn’t the best label to assign.

 

Is a friendship with your ex preventing you from moving on with your post-divorce life?

Some friendships with the ex develop out of a sense of loneliness and expediency. It’s much easier to fall back into a relationship with someone you know than to put forth the effort and risk the vulnerability with someone new. However, these types of convenience and comfort-based friendships can also be limiting, acting as anchors that are keeping you tied to your past.

 

Does your ex have a history of manipulation and/or deception?

If so, you’re on tricky ground here. Perhaps your ex wants to be friends in order to maintain a sense of control over you. Maybe they want to be close so that they can continue to manipulate your thoughts and actions.

These people have a tendency to be charmers, so this bid for friendship may feel especially attractive, particularly if they have rejected you in the past. Proceed with caution here. Once you’re close, it becomes difficult to perceive any deceptions and attempts to control.

 

Is this bid for friendship coming on the heels of a major post-divorce milestone?

Has your ex just celebrated a major birthday? Or did their mother just get diagnosed with cancer? Did the youngest child just graduate high school? Did you just announce your engagement?

If the proposal of friendship came soon after a major life event, take some time to consider the motivation. It may be completely innocuous, such as the death of a loved one prompting a greater sense of mortality. Or it could be calculating, such as looking for someone to act as nurse during their convalescence.

 

How have you (or will you) responded to the news that your ex is seeing someone new?

Part of being a friend is celebrating the good news of the other person. Anygood news, even if it results in a new romantic partner. Can you honestly celebrate their budding romance? If not, friendship may be premature.

On the flipside, can your ex handle your new partner gracefully? A friend that will give you honest feedback is great. But one that will veto every catch out of lingering jealousy is not.

 

Do you want to have a friendship with your ex?

If you had no history with your ex and you met them in a coffee shop, would you be interested in starting a friendship? Do you still enjoy time with your ex? Are you willing and able to let go of the past in order to establish a larger family unit that consists (or may eventually consist) of new partners and new children?

Because that’s what it ultimately comes down to. There are no rules that dictate the type of relationship you have with your ex. If you want to be friends, accept the offer. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with saying no and deleting the request.

How to Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself (and Start Feeling Better) After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you relate to any of these feelings after divorce?

“It’s not fair that my family has been torn apart!”

“This sucks! I hate having to start over at this stage of my life.”

“My ex seems to be doing just fine. Why am I having such a hard time of this?”

“Nobody else gets this. They haven’t had to deal with the stuff I’ve been dealt.”

I felt all of those and more during those first dark months. There were many days that seemed hopeless and the lonely nights stretched into eternity.

To the public, I put on a hopeful face. While behind closed doors, I threw myself quite the pity party after my ex husband cheated and then left the marriage.

The theme of the shindig was simple – innocent woman victimized by malicious husband. I resisted mailing out invitations, yet I encouraged others to attend by sharing the sordid details of what he did to me. The playlist featured various versions of, “It’s not fair,” stuck on repeat. The space was decorated with reminders of my former life, strewn about like fetid petals clinging to the floor.

This pity party went on for far too long, until its motif grew dull and everyone, including me, tired of its lack of momentum. And more than anything else, I became tired of feeling sorry for myself. And so I decided to crash my own pity party.

I found the following techniques helpful to stop feeling sorry for myself after divorce:

1 –  Fire the victim and hire the hero.

In the beginning, I focused on what was done to me. I was the object of the actions, the victim. Eventually, I grew weary of that role. After all, it really is quite limiting. I made the decision to fire the victim and hire the hero, taking charge of my own life from that point forward. This reframing of your role has to come before you can begin to make changes in your situation.

2 –  Depersonalize the situation.

Part of my “poor me” came from my early belief that my once-loving husband had somehow morphed into some malevolent creature worthy of a Marvel feature. I saw him as the weapon and me as the target. With some time and consideration, I began to realize that his actions had little to do with me. I just happened to be in the way. It still stinks to realize that you’re collateral damage, but it’s easier than accepting that you’re the hapless prey.

3  – Put it in perspective.

Even to this day, when I reflect upon my divorce, I have a tendency to be overdramatic and claim that I lost everything. Yet even though it felt like all was gone, that wasn’t quite true. I still had family, friends, career and hope that I could rebuild again. Resist the temptation to sensationalize what happened. The dry facts are often much easier to swallow.

4 – Use anger as fuel to motivate action.

“It’s not fair!” became my go-to phrase. And it was accurate. It wasn’t fair. But it was the reality. So I bundled up all of that rage about the unjustness of it all and I used it as energy to write my story and to make changes in my new life. Instead of wasting the energy of the anger on your ex or your divorce, try funneling it into the creation of something better. Even if you have a, “I’ll show them!” attitude while doing it.

5 – Edit your personal narrative.

I used to say, “I was abandoned” when speaking about my divorce. And with every repetition of that phrase, I felt even more discarded. Once I realized that I was self-inflicting further trauma with my words, I shifted to, “My ex left,” which left me feeling much better. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. Be intentional with the words and phrases you repeat to yourself.

6 – Avoid pity party attendees.

Living in the South, I probably heard, “Well, bless your little heart” dozens of times a day during my divorce. At first, I accepted those words and the pitying embraces that accompanied them. I felt comforted. Validated. But then as I started to find my voice and embrace my inner hero, those words began to chafe. At some point, those that continue to pity you will begin to hold you back. Avoid them and instead seek out those who inspire you.

7 – Remind yourself that it could be worse.

My ex left me holding the debt he incurred while building his other life (and while courting his other wife). As I made those painful payments every month, I reminded myself that at least I could pay off that balance, even if it meant living lean for a few years. Whether considering your own situation or comparing it with others, remember that it could always be worse than it is. And be thankful that it’s not.

8 – Keep a daily gratitude journal.

My journal was my savior that first year. It didn’t judge my anger, censor my pain or question my fears. But perhaps its most important role was to help train me in the art of gratitude as I made an effort to consider something I was thankful for each day. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re busy being grateful. Whether on paper or on an app, try jotting down one to two things you’re thankful for every day.

9 – Ban the words, “I wish” and “Why me?”

I spent some time wanting things to be different, falling down a rabbit hole of “how?,” “why?” and “I wish.” Every time I indulged those words, I felt worse. Hopeless, even. Those were thoughts anchored in hopes. Instead, I replaced them with views leading to action – “I can,” “I will” and “I have.” By making this switch, you shifting your focus from what happened in the past to what you can control in the future.

10 – Call in reinforcements.

Of all of the people in my life during the divorce, surprisingly the policeman who arrested my husband became one of the most important. As an officer, he had seen it all and so he was largely immune to the shock of my situation (although he still says it’s the story he tells the most!). His matter-of-factness and lack of effusive sympathy was exactly what I needed. Seek out people who help lift you out of feeling sorry for yourself through a combination of encouragement and butt-kicking. It may not always feel great in the moment, but it will pay dividends later.

11 – Build your confidence.

Part of my self-pity was anchored in a feeling of weakness and apprehension. I felt small and broken, impotent against insurmountable odds. So I started to challenge myself, to build my strength, baby step by baby step. I faced my fears – the small ones at first – and tested my beliefs about my limitations. Self-pity thrives on unease and frailty. As you begin to build your confidence, you starve out pity.

12 – Learn from fictional heroes.

I became obsessed with the True Blood books during my divorce. Not only was the series light and easy to follow, I envied Sookie Stackhouse’s can-do attitude no matter what disasters befell her. I even found myself thinking WWSD (What Would Sookie Do?) throughout the difficult days. Find a particular character that embodies who you want to be and channel their energy on the days when you don’t feel strong enough on your own.

13 – Consider the role model you want to be.

I remember looking out at my class of eighth graders one day as the court date for my divorce rapidly approached. I was scared. Frightened of what would happen. Anxious about what would come next. And then I looked at those kids, who were looking to me as a role model. And I decided that I wanted to show them courage and perseverance, not fear and self-pity. Who are you a role model for in your life? What do you want to teach them by your reactions?

14 – Replace pity with compassion.

Part of my pity party was a cry for compassion, both from myself and others. I wanted the pain to be heard. To be recognized. With pity, the pain is nurtured whereas with compassion, the pain is acknowledged and then the person is nurtured. Compassion accepts the suffering and also advocates the overcoming of it.

15 – Fake it until you make it.

At work, I spoke confidently about my plans for my future. With my friends, I expressed unbridled interest in dating. Yet at home, once the sun went down and I was in the safety of my bed, I still wondered why I had to endure this. And the strangest thing began to happen. The more I practiced the brave, “I got this” face, the more I began to believe it. And as my faith in myself fueled my progress, I began to experience surprise when people expressed pity for what happened.

Because at some point, the worst thing that had ever happened had become a turning point that led to the best days of my life.

The best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to create a life that you love.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

The first one was hard.

It was our tenth anniversary.

The marriage was final.

But the divorce wasn’t.

I strategically scheduled a doctor’s appointment that morning so that I would have a valid excuse for not going into work that day. I suspected the tears were going to fall hard and fast throughout much of the day.

I was right.

I spent most of the hours curled on the loaned flannel sheets on my borrowed bed in the friend’s home that was my temporary sanctuary until I could function alone. The sobs came in waves, wracking my body as I tried to integrate the expectations I’d had for celebrating ten years of marriage with the reality that the marriage I loved had been a lie.

I tried to read, but my mind kept skidding off the page and landing on tortuous slideshow of memories. I tried to write, but those same thoughts that were so tenacious in my mind bottled up as soon as I picked up a pen. I tried to medicate myself into slumber, but my body fought to stay awake through the ceaseless hours.

At one point, I had the humorous, yet comforting, thought that because the marriage legally made it to ten years, I was eligible for his social security benefits if he were to die. But a payout from his untimely demise wasn’t what I really wanted.

What I wanted was for the whole thing to be a nightmare that I could still wake up from. What I wanted was an anniversary that was still a celebration rather than a memorial service.

Anniversaries after divorce are like a rotted section on a suspension bridge. We see them coming and dread the approach. We have to cross them in order to keep moving on. And if we don’t prepare, we can find ourselves injured or even risk a fall through the splintered memories. And like the confidence and pride that comes from successfully navigating tricky terrain, making it through an anniversary is a triumph.

Are you dreading an upcoming anniversary? If so, a little planning can go a long way to making the day as painless as possible.

Before the Anniversary

Celebrate Your Victories Thus Far (No Matter How Small)

On an anniversary after divorce, it’s easy to get down on yourself. You think about where you’re “supposed” to be in life and instead, you find yourself back at the beginning. Only this time older and more wrinkled. So before you’re swept away by the sadness of the upcoming day, take a few minutes to write down all that you’ve accomplished since the divorce (or separation). Don’t worry how small those victories may seem. They are your first steps. And don’t we always celebrate those for babies?

Physically Exhaust Yourself

You know that feeling you have after you’ve been on a long walk? That space where you’re drained of energy and filled with contentment and a sense of accomplishment? Find a way to get there the day before the big day. You’re draining anxious energy and allowing the body’s neurotransmitters to help uplift negative thoughts. Go into the day with a quiet body and let it educate the mind.

Put Your Support System On Alert

I don’t suggest a Facebook post about the looming date; not everybody needs to know. But I do recommend alerting those closest to you. It will help them be more understanding with you if you’re a little “off” and it will put them on notice that they may be called to be a shoulder to cry on.

The Day of the Anniversary

Plan An Undemanding Day

 Maybe you take a page from my playbook and schedule a “sick day.” Or maybe you have the grandparents watch the kids for the evening. Try to avoid too many mentally taxing tasks or high-pressure situations. If you do better alone, find a way to work that in. If being alone scares you, plan how to be with people. Work within your constraints and do what you can to make the day a little easier.

Stay Off Social Media

The last thing you want today is to stumble across somebody’s post about their new engagement or see a picture of a couple on their tropical getaway. And while you’re at it, you may be better off if you just avoid any media that you cannot control. After all, Netflix won’t suddenly bludgeon you with with a saccharine ad for diamond jewelry.

Embrace the Suck

 My initial reaction as my own first anniversary approached was to try to find a way to distract myself away from reality. But as I racked my brain for options, I realized that even a bottle of wine, a new Stephen King novel and a date to Cirque du Soleil with Brad Pitt wouldn’t be enough to keep my mind off my ex. On this day, simply embrace the suck. Remember that rotten patch on the suspension bridge? You just have to go through it.

Start a New Ritual (And a New Count)

Your brain is programmed to perform a count on this day. And rather than allow it to follow the easy path of continuing the would-be years of marriage for evermore, start a new count with a ritual all your own. For me, I don’t have a single event but since my divorce spurred my writing, I take that day to reflect upon my writing experiences. It feels much better to say, “I’ve been writing and sharing my story for 7 years” rather than, “This would have been my 17thanniversary.”

After the Anniversary

Shake It Off

There’s a good chance you woke up with an emotional hangover today. One of the best ways to treat this is to move. Shake it off. Let it go. Today is a new day.

Do Something That Makes You Feel Good

I am a huge proponent of what I call “scheduled smiles,” events on the calendar that you can look forward to. I recommend that there always be at least three of these on your upcoming schedule at any time. Make sure one of them is for the day after. It can as small as a pedicure or as grand as a cruise. The event matters less than the anticipation and the reminder that the tide always turns.

Celebrate With This Thought

You will neverhave to go through that again. Yes, you will have another anniversary next year. But guess what? It will be a little easier. Because you’ve successfully traversed those rotted boards before and now you bring experience and perspective.  Be proud of your progress and celebrate your triumph. You’ve made it!

Wondering when you will feel better? Here was my timeline for healing after divorce.