Why Rock Bottom is a Powerful Place

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Rock Bottom.

A place that brings dread.

That no one would choose to visit.

And yet it is also a place of mysterious power.

That allows us to tap into the power within ourselves.

Because when you’re at Rock Bottom you have…

Nothing to Lose

In one moment, I lost my husband, my money, my dogs, my home, my health and almost my sanity. I went from a middle class suburbanite to someone who was technically homeless (at least according to the 2010 census) and could fit all of her belongings in her car.

I realized during that period how much I had become attached to those things in my life. And how, in many cases, I had assigned them more weight than they actually carried.

Rock Bottom is a time of non-attachment. Of acceptance of the non-permanence of life and our own locus of control.

Nothing to Fear

My biggest fear in life was always losing my husband. So when I eventually did lose him, it was actually kind of a relief. Not because I wanted him gone (not at first), but because I had lost my main reason to fear.

And that was incredibly freeing.

I found myself taking risks that I would not have taken earlier, exchanging the “sure thing” for a “let’s try this and see what happens.” I worried less and lived more.

When you’re at Rock Bottom, you’re not worried about falling. After all, that’s already happened and you’re still breathing.

Nothing to Hide From Yourself

I spent years confusing desire with belief, wanting so badly for certain things to be true that I convinced myself that they were. And refusing to look too closely when something whispered otherwise.

I believed on some level that I couldn’t handle the truth and so I operated to protect myself. Until I couldn’t any longer. And once on that cold, hard floor, I had two realizations: 1) I was facing it head on and 2) I was strong enough to do so.

When you fall to Rock Bottom, the lenses of your rose-colored glasses shatter. At first, the world may seem harsh. But eventually, you’ll realize that clarity provides you with a sense of peace.

Nothing But Opportunity 

I spent so much of my adult life reacting without much thought to what I wanted. He needed to move in order to work? I dropped everything and relocated after living alone for a year. He lost his job and I needed to find steady employment? Teaching career, check.

I stopped thinking about what I wanted, put my head down and barreled through. And I didn’t stop until I hit the earth, stunned into silence.

We spend much of our lives simply taking one step in front of the other after we’ve decided which direction to go. Rock Bottom is a pause. An opportunity for reassessment. Do you still want to follow your same path or is it time for something new? This is your chance.

Your stay at Rock Bottom will be fleeting.

Make the most of it.

Let the Things That Hurt You, Change You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I just want to go back to how things were.”

Have you ever uttered those words? Experienced that sentiment?

I know I have.

Had that desire for a time machine or, at the very least, a teflon skin that deflects any residue of experience.

A feeling that I’m somehow worse for wear, a sweater carelessly thrown into the dryer, its once-secure weave now shrunken and puckered and pilling.

I sometimes wish I had experienced an air-dry life, gentle and considerate, leaving me washed and yet untouched.

But then I think about having that kind of life. Living like you’re the prized possession too valuable to be removed from the box.

And what’s the point of a life that isn’t really lived?

I’d rather live to the fullest. Take risks. Feel the pain and wear the scars. Embrace the collisions with life as an opportunity to transform.

And to allow those things that hurt me, change me.

 

The Divorce Detox Diet

Posted on by stilllearning2b
detox

The Divorce Detox Diet has nothing to do with your waistline or the number of celery stalks you consume in a day. This diet is not about cleansing your body; it’s about cleansing your mind and your heart.

There are no sign-up fees, no special formulations to purchase. All you need is some motivation to feel better and some direction to get there.

The Divorce Detox Diet Guidelines 

To be avoided:

  • people that bring you down
  • “shoulds,” both from yourself and others
  • always/never thinking
  • cyberstalking your ex
  • painful reminders and mementos
  • victimization

To be consumed in small amounts:

  • social media
  • movie or Netflix binges
  • pity parties and days spent in bed
  • alcohol
  • comfort foods
  • blame and guilt

To be consumed in moderate amounts:

  • reflection and analysis
  • distractions
  • reading about and/or listening to stories of divorce
  • hobbies or work projects
  • reinvention of home space or physical self
  • journaling

To be enjoyed with abandon:

  • time with friends
  • sunrises and sunsets and time in nature
  • yoga and other exercise
  • your favorite self-care rituals
  • kisses from dogs (or cats or babies)
  • hope 

After a few weeks on the Divorce Detox Diet, you can expect to feel lighter and freer as you shed a little more of the weight you’re carrying from your past.

Good luck to you on your cleansing!

 

 

A Moment Worth Noting

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Pay special attention to that moment when pain transforms into intense feeling.

It’s easy to miss.

We become so accustomed, so habituated, to pain that we often begin to assume that we’re still in pain.

Wincing before the pain is felt.

Labeling the sensation without any analysis of the feeling.

Continuing to favor the sore spot even when it is no longer so sensitive.

Just because the pain was present yesterday, don’t assume that it will be there today. Be open. Curious.

And aware of that moment when the pain is no longer pain and has instead become simply intense feeling.

 

Learning From My Mistakes: How My Second Husband is Different Than My First

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second husband

Whenever I work with a client who is starting to think about dating again after divorce, I advise them to first make a list of the traits/characteristics they are looking for in their next partner.

Their initial results are usually so similar it’s comical – “I want someone totally different from my ex. I want someone with integrity and who will address issues head-on.”

I often find myself nodding along since my wish-list was much the same.

It was strange dating at first. I wanted different yet I also longed for the familiar. I found myself attracted to men that were way too similar to my ex (can you say trauma reenactment?) and not always drawn to the ones that had the qualities I was looking for. It’s definitely a time when impulses may not be trustworthy and it’s worth moving slowly and with intention.

There have been times when Brock wonders if I was only attracted to him because he is the polar opposite (his words) of my ex. The reality is much more than that and not one I’m sure I can ever completely explain to him. Yes, in some ways (critical and positive ways) he is the opposite of my first husband. In other ways, he and my ex have some overlapping similarities (areas of interest and compatibility).

But I wasn’t attracted to him because he was the opposite. The divorce highlighted for me what was important in a partner. And that starts with being a good person. I was no longer the same, naive girl that pledged her life to her teenage beau and was petrified of losing him. I was stronger and, as a result, I wanted someone stronger and independent as well. And my ideas of how I wanted the rest of my life to look were changing and I wanted someone who fit my emerging vision.

Basically, once I knew better, I wanted to do better.

Here are those critical ways that my second husband is different than my first –

Passionate

As I write this, my husband is at a Ju Jitsu seminar. I grumble sometimes about his commitment to the sport, but underneath that is a pride in his efforts and achievements. He amazes me in his ability to push through pain and keep going even when the goal feels so far away. His presence on the mat inspires both respect and fear in his opponents. I love that he completely immerses himself in something that is healthy, goal-oriented, inspirational and seriously bad-a$$.

My first husband was a driven man (his self-taught expertise in modeling software was evidence of that), but he had no real passions outside video games. In retrospect, this lack of purpose, of focus, left him rudderless when life’s waters became rough.

Alpha

Brock is an Alpha. Confident. Strong unapologetic male energy. And that’s good for me in a couple ways. First, I have an intensity myself and I appreciate someone who will call me out when necessary. Someone who isn’t a blind supplicant.  Also, I often feel like I’m not feminine enough and so I enjoy the contrast between our energies. As an Alpha, he is straight-talking and upfront. It’s not always decorous, but it’s always reflective of what he’s thinking.

I have nothing against non-alpha men. I have many in my life that I love and respect. What I didn’t respect in my ex was how he never challenged me and how he would quietly manipulate while pretending to be the nice guy. He was a beta who wasn’t comfortable in his own skin. That was the problem.

Helper

Some of the times I have loved Brock the most is when I have seen him come to the aide of a stranger. He is never one to turn away from someone in need, whether it be a man walking down the street with a gas can on a 100 degree day or a panicked woman pulled over after skidding on ice. Even when the situation could be risky or a scam, he jumps in, ready to assist. And when he’s done, he just turns and walks away, expecting nothing in return.

My ex also did nice things for people. He built a toy chest for a neighbor’s child. He would pick up the check. But here’s the difference (and it’s a crucial one) – Brock would make an anonymous donation whereas my ex would expect his name on a plaque.

Continue to read the rest.

 

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