So Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“I want us to be friends.”

This little sentence shows up on your phone alongside your ex’s name. It’s a simple sentence, yet the implications and possible repercussions are anything but straightforward.

You start to reply. Then you reconsider and delete your initial response. What should you say?

Before you make a decision about your ex’s desire to be friends after divorce, ask yourself these questions:

How long has it been since the divorce?

There are no hard and fast rules here. Some people can be friendly with their exes throughout the divorce process and others still can’t be in the same room even decades later.

Yet there is something to be said for instituting a “you keep to your life and I’ll keep to mine” rule during the divorce and for a year or so after. That distance helps both of you create the separation needed to be able to move forward and encourages the release of interdependency. Time allows any romantic feelings or residual resentment to fade, creating a blanker canvas where friendship may be able to grow.

 

Was the decision to divorce mutual or one-sided?

“I want to move in with my affair partner but I still want to be friends” is a very different situation than an agreed-upon divorce after years of growing apart. A mutual decision to divorce may in fact have been reached because over time, the marriage transitioned into more of a friendship.

If you have been dumped, you may recoil at the very thought of remaining friendly with your ex. Or conversely, you may find that you jump at the chance of a friendship with the unspoken hope that it may evolve into something more. If the decision to divorce was one-sided, there is an imbalance that may preclude friendship, at least for a time.

 

Are you working to establish a co-parenting relationship with your ex?

A productive co-parenting relationship is analogous to a connection with a coworker. It’s two people who have negotiated boundaries and expectations in order to effectively manage external tasks and demands. This takes time to figure out and during this period of trial and error, it’s often best to try to minimize the emotional involvement.

And just like friendships at work can be tricky, adding an element of friendship to a new co-parenting relationship can complicate matters. It’s one thing to be frustrated at your child’s other parent for failing to follow through on a promised plan, but it’s something else entirely when that person is also a confidant.

If, however, your co-parenting relationship is established and functional, you may find that the addition of a friendship is beneficial to the larger family and that you’re able to successfully negotiate any issues that arise.

 

Do you have any physical sensations of stress or attraction when you’re around your ex?

Do butterflies of excitement begin to flutter when you see your ex’s car pull up? Or instead, do you find that you begin to develop a headache whenever they’re around?

These physical signs are an indication that you are still emotionally tied to your ex, either positively or negatively. Either of these makes beginning a friendship a dangerous game to play because you’re only intensifying the emotional connection.

 

Do you find that talking to your ex brings down your mood or leads to a sense of anxiety?

Maybe you feel fine when you’re with your ex only to become snappy with the kids later. Perhaps you realize that a night spent tossing and turning always seems to follow contact. Or possibly a general sense of malaise comes on the tail of every visit.

Friends should make you feel better. If you end up feeling worse, maybe “friend” isn’t the best label to assign.

 

Is a friendship with your ex preventing you from moving on with your post-divorce life?

Some friendships with the ex develop out of a sense of loneliness and expediency. It’s much easier to fall back into a relationship with someone you know than to put forth the effort and risk the vulnerability with someone new. However, these types of convenience and comfort-based friendships can also be limiting, acting as anchors that are keeping you tied to your past.

 

Does your ex have a history of manipulation and/or deception?

If so, you’re on tricky ground here. Perhaps your ex wants to be friends in order to maintain a sense of control over you. Maybe they want to be close so that they can continue to manipulate your thoughts and actions.

These people have a tendency to be charmers, so this bid for friendship may feel especially attractive, particularly if they have rejected you in the past. Proceed with caution here. Once you’re close, it becomes difficult to perceive any deceptions and attempts to control.

 

Is this bid for friendship coming on the heels of a major post-divorce milestone?

Has your ex just celebrated a major birthday? Or did their mother just get diagnosed with cancer? Did the youngest child just graduate high school? Did you just announce your engagement?

If the proposal of friendship came soon after a major life event, take some time to consider the motivation. It may be completely innocuous, such as the death of a loved one prompting a greater sense of mortality. Or it could be calculating, such as looking for someone to act as nurse during their convalescence.

 

How have you (or will you) responded to the news that your ex is seeing someone new?

Part of being a friend is celebrating the good news of the other person. Anygood news, even if it results in a new romantic partner. Can you honestly celebrate their budding romance? If not, friendship may be premature.

On the flipside, can your ex handle your new partner gracefully? A friend that will give you honest feedback is great. But one that will veto every catch out of lingering jealousy is not.

 

Do you want to have a friendship with your ex?

If you had no history with your ex and you met them in a coffee shop, would you be interested in starting a friendship? Do you still enjoy time with your ex? Are you willing and able to let go of the past in order to establish a larger family unit that consists (or may eventually consist) of new partners and new children?

Because that’s what it ultimately comes down to. There are no rules that dictate the type of relationship you have with your ex. If you want to be friends, accept the offer. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with saying no and deleting the request.

Five Vows to Make With Yourself After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I received the unexpected text that ended my marriage, I collapsed along with my entire world. In those moments, I had no answers, no solutions and little hope.

I felt gutted, a dry husk discarded after the honeyed insides have been consumed. And then, while my body still remained a quivering mass upon the floor, I felt an unexpected fire begin to burn deep within. In that moment, I made the rough drafts of the following five promises to myself.

It took months for these vows to fully develop and years for them to be fulfilled. Yet all along, these five covenants with myself became the guiding principles towards a new – and happy – life after divorce.

I refuse to let my ex take my future.

At first, I was completely focused on what I had lost. I felt like sixteen years of my life had been stolen while my back was turned. I became obsessed with figuring out the “whys” and the “hows,” spending more time in my head than in my life.

I spent months looking for an apology, an acceptance of responsibility or at least some evidence of karma paying a visit. Yet I was continually disappointed. I made deals with myself, “I’ll let this go after he …” Yet he never did.

I blamed him, not only for what he had done, but also for what was continuing to happen. Resentment filled me as I continued to wear the guise of a victim. After all, I wouldn’t be in this situation if it wasn’t for his actions.

And then, it slowly began to dawn on me that I was the one who was allowing myself to continue to have my expectations dashed. I was the one who was more focused on what was lost than on what remained. I was the one willingly handing control over my life and my happiness to this person who didn’t exactly have a great track record of looking after me.

I couldn’t alter the past. I had no control over his actions (or inactions). But I could put my foot down. I could draw a line in the sand. I could refuse to allow him (or my feelings about him) to steer my future.

He had taken enough. I wasn’t going to allow him to take any more.

 

I will not allow this experience to define me.

I remember the first time I had to check the “divorced” box on an informational form. I felt a sudden, and surprising, flush of shame rise through my body. “How did I end up here?” I wondered. “What’s wrong with me?” I questioned, feeling like a failure.

For much of that first year, I was my divorce. It was the first things friends asked me about and the first thing on my mind every morning. It stained every area of my life, a scarlet towel thrown into a load of white laundry. I contributed to this attention through my need to obsessively talk about the situation with anybody and everybody. I needed to vent, to process, and wasn’t yet able to control the verbal emissions.

I became curious about dating, but was also hesitant that I would perpetually be viewed as damaged goods. After all, if one man deemed me as disposable, why would another view me any differently? When one man at the gym, with whom I had only exchanged the requisite exercise-related small talk, expressed his interest, I was stunned. It was the first inkling I had of a future that wasn’t stipulated by divorce.

I may have been divorced, but I was more than just my marital status. That experience and designation would always be a part of my story, but I didn’t have to allow it to define my entire life.

 

I refuse to allow one person to determine my worth.

In communications with his attorney, his other wife (yes, he followed the leaving-via-text with bigamy) and my mother, my ex made some outrageous – and outrageously awful – claims about me. When I first heard these assertions, I was horrified. And also terrified. After all, what if they were true?

After so many years with my ex-husband, I had learned to value – and even absorb – his opinion. He expressed his hatred of mums every fall when the flowers began to dominate the displays and I soon decided that I didn’t like them either. He conveyed full confidence in his ability to build his own design company and I allowed my faith to follow.

And so when he decided that I was a terrible, no-good, very bad person, I went along with it. Until eventually I realized that, if my ex was simply a stranger that I had a brief encounter with, I would not respect or value his opinions based upon his decisions and demeanor. So why should I listen to his views at all?

I made the decision to allow the preponderance of evidence to reflect my character, rather than the perspective of a single – and deeply flawed – person.

 

 

I haven’t come this far to only come this far. 

This vow was my carrot when I was feeling hopeless and my stick whenever motivation waned. When I started to feel like it was all-too-much and I simply couldn’t take another step, I would take a moment to assess the progress that I had made thus far.

I may not have been able to sleep through the night unaided by medication, but at least I was no longer as plagued by nightmares. I may not have been able to think about my financial future without an emotional reaction, but at least I could find comfort in the fact that I was granted Innocent Spouse Relief by the IRS.

As I reflected on these baby steps and the enormous effort required to make them, I became determined to not call it quits only partway up the mountain.

 

 

I will find a way to see the good in this situation.

This was the only one of those rough-draft vows that I verbally expressed when I was lying prone on the floor. And it was also the hardest promise to myself to keep as the bad news continually threated to overwhelm and drown out any attempts at gratitude.

At first, like with many things, I placed the burden of an agreeable outcome on external factors. I would feel vindicated if the courts came through and justice as I saw it was served. I could be happy if someone would swoop in and rescue me from this mess. I was hopeful that I would be free if I somehow found financial success through the situation.

Yet, as is always the case when relaying on outside circumstances to provide satisfaction, I was disappointed. And so I began to look inward for the gifts hidden beneath the tragedy. I started to list the positive outcomes that only occurred because of the divorce: I found who my true friends were and discovered just how amazing they were, I felt a sense of peace and power after surviving the worst that could happen, and I was given an opportunity to learn from this experience and to share my lessons with others.

Marriage begins with your vow to another.

When marriage ends, it is a time for promises to be made with yourself –

I vow to live the life I have, not the life I lost.

I vow to allow my character to shine despite my experiences.

I vow to see the value I provide to others and demonstrate kindness towards myself.

I vow to recognize my accomplishments and also demonstrate perseverance in the face of adversity.

I vow to always strive to the see the sun behind the clouds and to express gratitude for every gift.

How to Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself (and Start Feeling Better) After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you relate to any of these feelings after divorce?

“It’s not fair that my family has been torn apart!”

“This sucks! I hate having to start over at this stage of my life.”

“My ex seems to be doing just fine. Why am I having such a hard time of this?”

“Nobody else gets this. They haven’t had to deal with the stuff I’ve been dealt.”

I felt all of those and more during those first dark months. There were many days that seemed hopeless and the lonely nights stretched into eternity.

To the public, I put on a hopeful face. While behind closed doors, I threw myself quite the pity party after my ex husband cheated and then left the marriage.

The theme of the shindig was simple – innocent woman victimized by malicious husband. I resisted mailing out invitations, yet I encouraged others to attend by sharing the sordid details of what he did to me. The playlist featured various versions of, “It’s not fair,” stuck on repeat. The space was decorated with reminders of my former life, strewn about like fetid petals clinging to the floor.

This pity party went on for far too long, until its motif grew dull and everyone, including me, tired of its lack of momentum. And more than anything else, I became tired of feeling sorry for myself. And so I decided to crash my own pity party.

I found the following techniques helpful to stop feeling sorry for myself after divorce:

1 –  Fire the victim and hire the hero.

In the beginning, I focused on what was done to me. I was the object of the actions, the victim. Eventually, I grew weary of that role. After all, it really is quite limiting. I made the decision to fire the victim and hire the hero, taking charge of my own life from that point forward. This reframing of your role has to come before you can begin to make changes in your situation.

2 –  Depersonalize the situation.

Part of my “poor me” came from my early belief that my once-loving husband had somehow morphed into some malevolent creature worthy of a Marvel feature. I saw him as the weapon and me as the target. With some time and consideration, I began to realize that his actions had little to do with me. I just happened to be in the way. It still stinks to realize that you’re collateral damage, but it’s easier than accepting that you’re the hapless prey.

3  – Put it in perspective.

Even to this day, when I reflect upon my divorce, I have a tendency to be overdramatic and claim that I lost everything. Yet even though it felt like all was gone, that wasn’t quite true. I still had family, friends, career and hope that I could rebuild again. Resist the temptation to sensationalize what happened. The dry facts are often much easier to swallow.

4 – Use anger as fuel to motivate action.

“It’s not fair!” became my go-to phrase. And it was accurate. It wasn’t fair. But it was the reality. So I bundled up all of that rage about the unjustness of it all and I used it as energy to write my story and to make changes in my new life. Instead of wasting the energy of the anger on your ex or your divorce, try funneling it into the creation of something better. Even if you have a, “I’ll show them!” attitude while doing it.

5 – Edit your personal narrative.

I used to say, “I was abandoned” when speaking about my divorce. And with every repetition of that phrase, I felt even more discarded. Once I realized that I was self-inflicting further trauma with my words, I shifted to, “My ex left,” which left me feeling much better. The words we say to others have influence. The words we say to ourselves have power. Be intentional with the words and phrases you repeat to yourself.

6 – Avoid pity party attendees.

Living in the South, I probably heard, “Well, bless your little heart” dozens of times a day during my divorce. At first, I accepted those words and the pitying embraces that accompanied them. I felt comforted. Validated. But then as I started to find my voice and embrace my inner hero, those words began to chafe. At some point, those that continue to pity you will begin to hold you back. Avoid them and instead seek out those who inspire you.

7 – Remind yourself that it could be worse.

My ex left me holding the debt he incurred while building his other life (and while courting his other wife). As I made those painful payments every month, I reminded myself that at least I could pay off that balance, even if it meant living lean for a few years. Whether considering your own situation or comparing it with others, remember that it could always be worse than it is. And be thankful that it’s not.

8 – Keep a daily gratitude journal.

My journal was my savior that first year. It didn’t judge my anger, censor my pain or question my fears. But perhaps its most important role was to help train me in the art of gratitude as I made an effort to consider something I was thankful for each day. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re busy being grateful. Whether on paper or on an app, try jotting down one to two things you’re thankful for every day.

9 – Ban the words, “I wish” and “Why me?”

I spent some time wanting things to be different, falling down a rabbit hole of “how?,” “why?” and “I wish.” Every time I indulged those words, I felt worse. Hopeless, even. Those were thoughts anchored in hopes. Instead, I replaced them with views leading to action – “I can,” “I will” and “I have.” By making this switch, you shifting your focus from what happened in the past to what you can control in the future.

10 – Call in reinforcements.

Of all of the people in my life during the divorce, surprisingly the policeman who arrested my husband became one of the most important. As an officer, he had seen it all and so he was largely immune to the shock of my situation (although he still says it’s the story he tells the most!). His matter-of-factness and lack of effusive sympathy was exactly what I needed. Seek out people who help lift you out of feeling sorry for yourself through a combination of encouragement and butt-kicking. It may not always feel great in the moment, but it will pay dividends later.

11 – Build your confidence.

Part of my self-pity was anchored in a feeling of weakness and apprehension. I felt small and broken, impotent against insurmountable odds. So I started to challenge myself, to build my strength, baby step by baby step. I faced my fears – the small ones at first – and tested my beliefs about my limitations. Self-pity thrives on unease and frailty. As you begin to build your confidence, you starve out pity.

12 – Learn from fictional heroes.

I became obsessed with the True Blood books during my divorce. Not only was the series light and easy to follow, I envied Sookie Stackhouse’s can-do attitude no matter what disasters befell her. I even found myself thinking WWSD (What Would Sookie Do?) throughout the difficult days. Find a particular character that embodies who you want to be and channel their energy on the days when you don’t feel strong enough on your own.

13 – Consider the role model you want to be.

I remember looking out at my class of eighth graders one day as the court date for my divorce rapidly approached. I was scared. Frightened of what would happen. Anxious about what would come next. And then I looked at those kids, who were looking to me as a role model. And I decided that I wanted to show them courage and perseverance, not fear and self-pity. Who are you a role model for in your life? What do you want to teach them by your reactions?

14 – Replace pity with compassion.

Part of my pity party was a cry for compassion, both from myself and others. I wanted the pain to be heard. To be recognized. With pity, the pain is nurtured whereas with compassion, the pain is acknowledged and then the person is nurtured. Compassion accepts the suffering and also advocates the overcoming of it.

15 – Fake it until you make it.

At work, I spoke confidently about my plans for my future. With my friends, I expressed unbridled interest in dating. Yet at home, once the sun went down and I was in the safety of my bed, I still wondered why I had to endure this. And the strangest thing began to happen. The more I practiced the brave, “I got this” face, the more I began to believe it. And as my faith in myself fueled my progress, I began to experience surprise when people expressed pity for what happened.

Because at some point, the worst thing that had ever happened had become a turning point that led to the best days of my life.

The best way to stop feeling sorry for yourself is to create a life that you love.

How Do You Get Through Your Anniversary After Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
anniversary

The first one was hard.

It was our tenth anniversary.

The marriage was final.

But the divorce wasn’t.

I strategically scheduled a doctor’s appointment that morning so that I would have a valid excuse for not going into work that day. I suspected the tears were going to fall hard and fast throughout much of the day.

I was right.

I spent most of the hours curled on the loaned flannel sheets on my borrowed bed in the friend’s home that was my temporary sanctuary until I could function alone. The sobs came in waves, wracking my body as I tried to integrate the expectations I’d had for celebrating ten years of marriage with the reality that the marriage I loved had been a lie.

I tried to read, but my mind kept skidding off the page and landing on tortuous slideshow of memories. I tried to write, but those same thoughts that were so tenacious in my mind bottled up as soon as I picked up a pen. I tried to medicate myself into slumber, but my body fought to stay awake through the ceaseless hours.

At one point, I had the humorous, yet comforting, thought that because the marriage legally made it to ten years, I was eligible for his social security benefits if he were to die. But a payout from his untimely demise wasn’t what I really wanted.

What I wanted was for the whole thing to be a nightmare that I could still wake up from. What I wanted was an anniversary that was still a celebration rather than a memorial service.

Anniversaries after divorce are like a rotted section on a suspension bridge. We see them coming and dread the approach. We have to cross them in order to keep moving on. And if we don’t prepare, we can find ourselves injured or even risk a fall through the splintered memories. And like the confidence and pride that comes from successfully navigating tricky terrain, making it through an anniversary is a triumph.

Are you dreading an upcoming anniversary? If so, a little planning can go a long way to making the day as painless as possible.

Before the Anniversary

Celebrate Your Victories Thus Far (No Matter How Small)

On an anniversary after divorce, it’s easy to get down on yourself. You think about where you’re “supposed” to be in life and instead, you find yourself back at the beginning. Only this time older and more wrinkled. So before you’re swept away by the sadness of the upcoming day, take a few minutes to write down all that you’ve accomplished since the divorce (or separation). Don’t worry how small those victories may seem. They are your first steps. And don’t we always celebrate those for babies?

Physically Exhaust Yourself

You know that feeling you have after you’ve been on a long walk? That space where you’re drained of energy and filled with contentment and a sense of accomplishment? Find a way to get there the day before the big day. You’re draining anxious energy and allowing the body’s neurotransmitters to help uplift negative thoughts. Go into the day with a quiet body and let it educate the mind.

Put Your Support System On Alert

I don’t suggest a Facebook post about the looming date; not everybody needs to know. But I do recommend alerting those closest to you. It will help them be more understanding with you if you’re a little “off” and it will put them on notice that they may be called to be a shoulder to cry on.

The Day of the Anniversary

Plan An Undemanding Day

 Maybe you take a page from my playbook and schedule a “sick day.” Or maybe you have the grandparents watch the kids for the evening. Try to avoid too many mentally taxing tasks or high-pressure situations. If you do better alone, find a way to work that in. If being alone scares you, plan how to be with people. Work within your constraints and do what you can to make the day a little easier.

Stay Off Social Media

The last thing you want today is to stumble across somebody’s post about their new engagement or see a picture of a couple on their tropical getaway. And while you’re at it, you may be better off if you just avoid any media that you cannot control. After all, Netflix won’t suddenly bludgeon you with with a saccharine ad for diamond jewelry.

Embrace the Suck

 My initial reaction as my own first anniversary approached was to try to find a way to distract myself away from reality. But as I racked my brain for options, I realized that even a bottle of wine, a new Stephen King novel and a date to Cirque du Soleil with Brad Pitt wouldn’t be enough to keep my mind off my ex. On this day, simply embrace the suck. Remember that rotten patch on the suspension bridge? You just have to go through it.

Start a New Ritual (And a New Count)

Your brain is programmed to perform a count on this day. And rather than allow it to follow the easy path of continuing the would-be years of marriage for evermore, start a new count with a ritual all your own. For me, I don’t have a single event but since my divorce spurred my writing, I take that day to reflect upon my writing experiences. It feels much better to say, “I’ve been writing and sharing my story for 7 years” rather than, “This would have been my 17thanniversary.”

After the Anniversary

Shake It Off

There’s a good chance you woke up with an emotional hangover today. One of the best ways to treat this is to move. Shake it off. Let it go. Today is a new day.

Do Something That Makes You Feel Good

I am a huge proponent of what I call “scheduled smiles,” events on the calendar that you can look forward to. I recommend that there always be at least three of these on your upcoming schedule at any time. Make sure one of them is for the day after. It can as small as a pedicure or as grand as a cruise. The event matters less than the anticipation and the reminder that the tide always turns.

Celebrate With This Thought

You will neverhave to go through that again. Yes, you will have another anniversary next year. But guess what? It will be a little easier. Because you’ve successfully traversed those rotted boards before and now you bring experience and perspective.  Be proud of your progress and celebrate your triumph. You’ve made it!

Wondering when you will feel better? Here was my timeline for healing after divorce. 

Divorce: Expectations vs. Reality

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Was your divorce anything like you would have expected divorce to be like?

I know mine wasn’t.

Not. Even. Close.

Movies, books, billboards, magazine articles and my own parent’s divorce created certain expectations in my mind about what I could anticipate from divorce.

But the reality?

Something entirely different.

We think we know about divorce. We’ve watched untold examples of what happens after the end of a marriage unfold on film. Perhaps we’ve survived the separation of our parents or watched our friends’ marriages dissolve from the sidelines. We’ve read articles and listened to interviews about what causes divorce and how to navigate it if it appears at our doorstep.

We think we know about divorce.

Until it happens to us. And then we’re forced to accept that our expectations are often misguided and that the reality of divorce is something altogether different.

 

Expectation: Divorce won’t happen to me; my spouse and I will always be able to work things out.

Reality: Divorce is always a possibility. You may end up with a spouse that leaves or one that refuses to put in the effort. Or, you may find that you have changed and the marriage no longer makes sense for you. While there are plenty of not-so-good marriages that go the distance, no good marriage ends in divorce. If it’s over, something wasn’t working, even if you can’t identify the cracks yet.

Expectation: I wanted this divorce, so it won’t impact me that much emotionally.

Reality: Divorce is hard on everyone, whether you’re the one who initiated the split or not. Often, the one who started the ball rolling wrestles with the decision for some time and may even feel guilty about “giving up.” They may have wanted desperately for the marriage to work, but their partner isn’t willing to meet their efforts. Additionally, the partner who leaves the marriage is often blamed for the split and may not receive the same sympathy from friends and family.

 

Expectation: This divorce blindsided me and I won’t be able to get past it.

Reality: The shock is immense and the blast wave levels everything in sight. Your breath has stopped and it feels as though your world has too. At first, you feel completely powerless and utterly destroyed. However, in time, you’ll begin to regain your senses and your sense of autonomy over your life. You may not have asked for this change, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to move through it.

Expectation: The courts will see how poorly my ex behaved and they will respond appropriately.

Reality: The courts don’t care about your feelings or about how much of a jerk your ex is. Don’t go in expecting sympathy or outrage; they’ve heard it all (and they also have learned to doubt one-sided stories). Additionally, the system is not designed to “punish” spouses who behaved badly; the court’s focus is simply on dissolving the legal ties of matrimony.

Expectation: Our situation is relatively straightforward, so the legal divorce should happen quickly.

Reality: Some states place a mandatory waiting period between the legal separation and divorce. Others have no such mandate, but the constant delays and rescheduling that plagues the court system effectively acts as a brake on the process. Sometimes, the divorce can be completed within a matter of weeks. But more often, it drags out for closer to a year.

Expectation: Both my ex and I are generally reasonable people, so we won’t let this divorce turn ugly.

Reality: You don’t really know a person until you divorce them. Divorce has a way of making even the most rational people act crazy, with its unfamiliar situations and very high stakes. It’s easy to become involved in a tit-for-tat war or to allow your emotions to drive your decisions. Furthermore, there is often a slippery slope of poor decisions, where the unthinkable slowly begins to feel perfectly normal.

Expectation: I’ve seen those billboards that advertise divorces for $200, so the expense can’t be that bad.

Reality: If you stick with mediation and generally agree with your ex on the terms of your divorce, you can make it through with minimal expense. However, as soon as the lawyers get involved, the financial impact can skyrocket quickly to the average of $15,000-$20,000 per person. And that’s not taking into account any major custody or property battles. In order to manage your expenses, be very clear about your long-term goals and make sure you don’t waste money on details that don’t align with these objectives.

Expectation: Once I have the decree in hand, everything will be okay.

Reality: In addition to legally dissolving your marriage, your decree may also spell out certain expectations for finances, custody or dividing property. It’s easy to believe that these mandates printed on an official, notarized document, will all be carried out according to the decree. However, your ex may refuse to follow the judge’s directions and, if that happens, it is up to you to take them back to court.

Expectation: After the divorce, I won’t have to deal with my ex again.

Reality: If you and your ex have children together, they will always be in your life to some extent (even once the children are adults). In addition to parenting demands, you may also have to deal with your ex about financial situations or when untangling other accounts. Regardless of their actual presence, you will probably find that they still have a strong emotional existence for you for some time.

Expectation: We’ve worked out the co-parenting agreement, so now it will be smooth sailing.

Reality: No matter how smooth, the co-parenting relationship will always be evolving and will always require a certain amount of diplomacy and trust. As the kids grow and change and new partners for you and/or your ex enter the scene, alterations will have to be made. You also may find that your agreement didn’t address certain issues or that your ex doesn’t always adhere to the terms. The sailing will get smoother, but storms will still have to be navigated at times.

Expectation: My ex was never really present, so I know what it’s like to be a single parent.

Reality: There’s a difference between having a partner that travels or one that doesn’t take an active role in the kid’s lives and being the only adult in the house at 2:00 a.m. when your toddler’s fever is well into the triple digits. The sense of responsibility is magnified and the potential for isolation grows. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Expectation: Divorce is so common now, so there really isn’t a stigma about it.

Reality: The divorced are no longer viewed as heathens, but you may still find that some people conclude that you give up too easily or that you fail to put in the effort required. More often, you may find that people are afraid to accept that divorce could happen to them, so they try to find a way that you’re somehow at fault so that they can believe that they are safe from it’s touch.

Expectation: Other than being single, not much else in my life will change.

Reality: Divorce has a way of impacting pretty much everything. Your friendships will change as some people exit your inner circle and you move others in. Work may be impacted by your need to free up more time for your children or your motivation to bring in more money. Time which used to be dedicated by default to family is now more amorphous, needing your direction. Some of these changes will be difficult and others will be welcomed, but it’s largely a given that widespread change will occur.

Expectation: I’ll take a few months to get my life sorted out and then I’ll be over the divorce.

Reality: The average person requires between one and two years to feel “moved on” from divorce. And that’s just the average. Many people, either because of the particular factors of their split or their backgrounds, require longer. You can expect improvement within the first few months, but you will most likely not yet be “over it.” And that’s okay.

How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?

Expectation: Healing will progress in a steady manner.

Reality: When emotional setbacks occur, it’s easy to become frustrated and disheartened, discounting the months of progress. This climb forward, slide backward pattern is extremely common and it not a sign that there is anything wrong with you or that you will never heal. There will be triggers that pull you back after several good weeks and anniversaries that welcome you like a sucker punch to the gut. You’ll get through them and, each time you do, they get a little easier.

Expectation: If I don’t give attention to my emotions, they will eventually fade.

Reality: It’s tempting to try to shove all of that divorce sadness, rejection and anger under the rug in an attempt to make it disappear. And for a time, it may seem to be an effective strategy. However, by ignoring those feelings, you are only giving them more power over you. The only way to allow the negative emotions to lose their grip over you is to confront them and become comfortable with their presence. Only then will they begin to fade.

Expectation: All of these issues are because of my ex and the marriage, so they’re all behind me now.

Reality: Surprisingly enough, some of the issues you had in your marriage probably stem from your childhood. Were you mirroring your parent’s relationship, looking for the parental approval you never had or replaying your script of rejection? This is an amazing opportunity to begin to delve into those childhood wounds so that you can heal those early – and internalized – pains.

Expectation: I’m SO over my ex. I don’t care what they do anymore.

Reality: Maybe it’s been months. Or even years. The early pining or animosity towards your ex has faded and has been replaced with a general sense of ambivalence. And then you receive the news – they are seeing someone else or even getting married again. You’re shocked. Hurt. Jealous and also sad. It’s very normal to have this reaction when you first learn of your ex moving on. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent nor is it fatal.

Expectation: I’m NEVER dating or getting married again!

Reality: The end of a relationship hurts and it’s natural to be inclined to avoid relationships – and the potential of pain – in its aftermath. Yet, in time, that early resolve may fade and you may decide that love (even with its inherent risks) is more valuable than the safe position of being alone. Luckily, it’s a decision that you can revisit whenever you wish. Remain open to possibility that you may change your mind.

Expectation: I’ll never get over the divorce.

Reality: You WILL make it through the divorce and its aftermath. In fact, upon reflection after some time has passed, many people are able to see their divorce as a turning point for the better in their lives.