Finding Love After Loss

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I came across this article last night and it really resonated. The author gives some great tips on how to move on again after loss of any kind. I hope that you also find his advice useful and enlightening.  I urge you to read it even if a new relationship seems unfathomable in the current moment. After all, the way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel.

Finding Love After Loss: 7 Steps For Moving Forward

We all have “baggage.”  It comes with being human — and with having relationships.

By age 18, most of us have discovered that relationships can be a source of great joy, satisfaction and meaning when our needs for love, affection and companionship are met. Or a source of heartache and sorrow when they’re not.

Few things in life are as uplifting as being in a loving relationship. Or as painful as losing someone we love. Whether we lose them as the result of death or a “living loss” like separation, divorce, infidelity, alcohol, drug addiction, illness, injury or something else, moving on can present some daunting challenges. Facing these challenges, taking the necessary time to get our footing and opening the doors to finding love again is best achieved when we balance patience with courage.

Having coached countless hundreds of clients seeking to find love after a loss, there are some proven steps for regaining your strength, trust, faith, confidence and moving forward:

1. Take Small Steps  

Above all else, be patient. Trying to get back into “the game” by jumping back into a relationship before your mind is clear and heart is sufficiently healed is a formula for disaster. Some of us can barely stand on our own two feet and yet, we’re looking for love (in all the wrong places) to fill the void.  Read the rest on eHarmony.

Some of my related pieces:

One Step at a Time

Finding Love Again

Love After Divorce: A Reflection on a Journey

Dating After Divorce: Ten Tips for Success

The Spark

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I remember well the first time I felt that spark. My husband had left only months before and I was still reeling from the loss. I knew that I wanted to love again, to be in love again,  but, at the time, that desire felt like an impossible dream. I was beginning to question whether I still contained the capacity to feel passion. To bond. To trust. My world was filled with pain and pain was the only language I was fluent in.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post.

 

Too Many, Too Much

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I met up with a friend this morning for a run. She’s at a point in her life where she wants to make some changes and she has many options open to her. Sounds good, right? Well, much like research has shown, too many options are simply too much for us to handle.

(Some find too many choices in online dating; personally, I loved the endless streams of men!:) )

My friend has been stationary for the last several months as she carefully weighs the pros and cons of each opportunity presented to her. To make the decision even more challenging, she keeps casting a wider and wider net and finding yet more possibilities. 

Her mind is frantic. Yet she remains paralyzed by indecision. She has tentatively explored some of the options, yet is spread too thin to give any one choice her all.

After listening to her new proposals and plan de jour, I suggested that she needs to simply choose one path, invest in that one 100% for a set period of time and hold the other options in reserve if the chosen one ends up being a debacle. I went on to say that by not choosing one path, she was setting herself up for failure with all of the potentials because she couldn’t invest enough time and energy to succeed.  Of course, that’s assuming she could even break her paralysis enough to move at all.

After I finished my short recommendation, I glanced over at her. Her stride had picked up, her shoulders settled back and down. She visibly looked lighter. 

I remember that paralysis of infinite choices all too well. For a year, I existed with a future full of untethered possibilities. I had given notice at my school and stated my intention to leave my friend’s home. I was dating but, as yet, had not met anyone that I felt particularly pulled to. I was unhappy with my career and exploring the idea of switching tracks. I knew I needed to leave the area where I was living, but apart from a vague desire to relocate to Seattle, had not made any concrete plans. 

As the end of the school year drew ever closer, I knew that my endless cyclical thoughts needed to become some sort of reality. I decided to start by deciding to remain in education and set about applying to jobs in the Seattle area. My endless and open choices became targeted resumes and cover letters, organized with my inevitable spreadsheets. Even though the future was still entirely unknown, I felt calmer and somehow more in control once I had a task to tackle. 

It’s funny how just the illusion of control can bring some peace. The jobs in Seattle never materialized and the spreadsheet was abandoned soon after I started dating Brock. But it served its purpose. It became a focal point, a light showing me a path when I was busy spinning in the dark. The efforts were not wasted; the decisions and resumes were simply applied in a new arena where they turned into a new job. 

As for my friend, I don’t know what our next run will reveal but I hope that she is able to break from the immobilization of too many and too much. I hope that the feeling of being out of control and overwhelmed can be replaced with a feeling of determination and intention.

As for me, I’ve decided to practice what I preach. I was feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of paint chips I had amassed to pick colors for the new house. I am beginning by limiting my choices and then selecting from that smaller pool. And then I just may decide to take a nap:)

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7 Reasons to Date an Athlete

Posted on by stilllearning2b

After my divorce, I decided I was only going to date athletes. My decision had nothing to do with body fat percentages or max bench press (although those factors certainly don’t hurt!). Nor was this decision dependent upon the man in question being some sort of professional competitor. In fact, I define “athlete” as anyone who regularly and passionately engages in sports or physical activity.

So, why did I limit myself to dating athletes if I didn’t care about the size of a potential partner’s biceps or the scope of his bank account?

Grit
All you have to do is watch the face of a runner in his or her last mile of a marathon to understand that athletes have grit.

Read the rest on The Huffington Post

Finding Love Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When we are young and our hearts are relatively intact, love seems to be an easy endeavor. Potential partners are everywhere and the possibilities seem endless. As we get older (or, as I prefer to think of it, wiser), love no longer seems so simple. We are more aware of the pitfalls and are more critical of potential partners. Our hearts are laced with cracks and we fear any other breakages. We become more accustomed to our ways and less likely to want to change them.

Finding love again is possible but it takes a different approach than before. First, you have to be ready to allow yourself to love again. This means choosing to move through the fear of being vulnerable again, to release the trepidation of another broken heart. Since life isn’t a romantic comedy, simply welcoming love is not sufficient to make that special person appear; you have to be an active participant in life and engage in opportunities that will allow you to meet people. Once you find that connection, it needs to be nurtured. It will take deliberate action to create the relationship that you want. I have found that this is an ongoing cycle: I continually have to work to allow myself to be open and to not let fear close me in. I am always actively seeking the love I want (now within the context of a relationship instead of on the dating scene 🙂 ); I hold a vision of what I want. And, finally, I am consciously working to create and maintain the vision.

I’m often told that I’m lucky to have found love again. Sure, there is an element of serendipity but there is also quite a bit of choice and deliberate action.

I screwed a lot of things up on the way to love. I had a tendency to act married immediately upon meeting someone (what can I say, I knew how to be married, but I had no idea how to date!). I looked to men for escape or validation. I confused dates with old friends, looking to them for emotional support. I walled myself off, using my strength and survival skills to keep men at arm’s length. I didn’t always listen to my gut. I let my anger get the best of me. I dated before I had fully dissected my role in the end of my marriage. I overlooked certain things that I probably shouldn’t have. I hurt feelings carelessly and I failed to listen to advice (that damn defensiveness!).

But I also did a lot of things right. I saw dating as practice and I made sure to get plenty of it. I was patient with myself and others. I said “yes” more than I said “no,” and, as a result, I opened myself up to new people and experiences. I made time to play and I didn’t take myself or dating too seriously. I may have been angry with my ex, but I never transferred that animosity to all that carry the XY chromosome. I didn’t let my natural introverted nature keep me inside, buried in a book.  I approached everything as a learning experience and I allowed myself to be open to change. After some false starts, I accepted the value of baby-steps and taking a relationship as it comes.

Here’s what I learned from my journey to love again. Maybe this list can save you from some of my mistakes 🙂

Intention: Know what you want. Have a mental vision board. If something or someone doesn’t fit, it may be best to let them go.

Step Out: Step out of your comfort zone. Step outside. Step out of your routine. Step out of your normal group.

Acknowledge: Accept your fear. Your doubt. Your hesitations. Acknowledge them but don’t let them control you.

Practice: You won’t get it right at first. No one does. Try again.

Patience: Be gentle with yourself. And others. Most people are doing the best they can in that moment. Be patient in your search. Enjoy the journey.

Openness: Say “yes.” Remove barriers. Explore new ideas and new experiences. Withhold judgment. Replace it with reflection.

Forgiveness: Forgive yourself. You are not damaged goods. You are whole and okay as you are. You are worthy of love.

Levity: Have fun. Laugh. Everything is better with a smile.

Effort: Love isn’t passive. You have to be willing to be an active participant and to make an effort.

Listen: It’s amazing what you can learn.

Grow: Let your successes and not-quite-successes fuel your development.  

Love is worth it. Allow it in, seek it out and create it in your own life.