Brock, a seasoned salesman, was telling me about a car he almost purchased many years ago. He was ready to sign but when the dealer wouldn’t acquiesce to the desired terms, Brock stood up and walked out. He knew that in order to be successful in any negotiation, you have to be willing to walk away.
As he finished his story, I thought about the times in my life when I was willing to walk away:
The first (and second and third) dates with men I was curious about but not invested in.
The job interviews and possibilities when I already had something paying the bills.
A blog submission to an outside site when they had already picked up at least one post.
The books from the library or the free movies on TV that failed to maintain my interest.
In every case, I was more relaxed and curious than anxious or upset that someone or something failed to meet expectations because I was willing to walk away. When we perceive that we need something, we often neglect our own values and boundaries in order to gain or keep it.
Sometimes the best mindset you can maintain is one of a willingness to walk away.
“I can’t do this.”
“Why should I try again? I’m just going to fail.”
“Maybe I’m just no good at this.”
“I’m tired of trying.”
I hear those refrains from my coaching clients about lifestyle changes. I hear them from my blog followers about relationships. And, most of all, I hear them from my students about algebra.
My days are filled with students groaning in frustration, papers wadded up and thrown away in disgust. Every day, I reach into my supply of pencil-topping erasers and provide students with a way to obliterate their mistakes. Sometimes, they become too defeated by even the faintest echoes of work gone wrong, and I have to provide them with a fresh copy, unsullied by their past choices. Some students thrive when they can write on the Activeboard or even with dry erase markers on the desk, where the marks of any error erase without a trace. I model starting over, capitalizing upon rather than hiding my own mistakes at the board.
So much of my day is spent coaching people in starting over – motivating past the initial resistance and guiding new attempts. And even though I coach students on algebra and adults on life, much of the lessons are the same.
We would rather fail because we didn’t try than fail because we couldn’t do.
This was a powerful realization in my early teaching days. I would get so frustrated with students who would just give up and refuse to attempt anything. I saw it as lazy. Or obstinacy. But usually it was a form of self protection. You see, if we try and fail, it reflects upon on abilities. Whereas if we do not try, it only discloses our choices. I learned that in order to reach these students, I had to first convince them that they were worthy in spite of their failures. I found ways to build them up. To let them know that it was safe to try and fail; I would not ridicule mistakes and I would not allow other to either. And then I would find ways to create successes so that they could feel the joy of finally getting something right.
Failure means you’re learning. Starting over means you’re applying the lessons.
We may me more mature than those kids in some ways, but we also shy away from trying because of a fear of how it reflects upon us. We internalize failure rather than see it as a sign of growth. We want to play it safe, stay in known zone where the risks are not too great and the effort not too imposing. We look at the past effort as wasted and we fear starting over because it may lead to another dead end. But the reality is that nothing is ever wasted if you learn from it.
Starting over is overwhelming.
Whether it’s one of students having to re-do a page long problem or a person facing dating again after the end of a long marriage, starting over is hard. Very hard. It’s like taking your first step of thousands in a marathon – your leg is moving forward even as your brain is screaming, “Don’t! It’s impossible!” As with any feat of endurance, the trick is to focus on one step at a time. Starting over requires energy and if you’re mentally biting off more than you can chew, you’re exhausting your resources before you even begin.
When we focus only on the results, we grow frustrated. Celebrate the steps along the way.
I get a strange look from students when I praise their reasoning or skill on one step of a problem but still advise them that their answer is incorrect. “But, Mrs. Arends, I got it wrong. Why are you telling me I did something good?” Learning is a process. Starting over is a process. When we attach too much meaning to the outcome, whether it be a date or an algebra problem, we may miss the signs that we are getting better. So even when the results aren’t what you wanted, celebrate any signs of improvement.
Defeat only occurs when you give up. It’s better to change your goal than to throw in the towel.
In spite of the message put forth by the “everybody gets a trophy” mentality, not everybody can do everything. There are times that you may be trying to accomplish something that is beyond your reach and requires an endless amount of starting over. Rather than just give up completely, shift your goal to something you can do.
When we begin again, the possibilities are endless.
There is something about a blank slate that cultivates enthusiasm. It’s an empty canvas ready to accept whatever you put down. It’s easier to start from the actions of the past, rewriting what we have already tried. But this is your chance to do something new. Different. If one way didn’t work, toss it out and play around with another. If you allow it, starting over can have a sense of playfulness. Curiosity. Wonder and excitement.
Starting over is not doing the same thing again. Starting over is a gift of being able to apply the wisdom of your past to create the image of your future.
Try. You just might amaze yourself with what you can do.
Trust is a big deal to me. I thought I could trust my ex. After all, I had known him since high school, had unrestricted access to his iPhone and he followed through with his promises.
Oh, except those that had to do with not stealing from your spouse or marrying more than one person at a time.
Yeah.
Obviously, I was on high alert when I started dating again after divorce. One con man husband is enough, thank you.
Hindsight being what it is, I was able to be aware of certain (often subtle) signs that indicate a trustworthy person when I started dating.
You Have Access
I thought I had access in my first marriage. After all, his phone was always out and never unlocked. I was welcomed, even encouraged, to use it, especially because I did not have a smart phone of my own. Of course, he knew I had access to that phone. He either partitioned it, hiding the lies from my keystrokes or, most likely, had a second phone for his second life. I had access, but it was carefully controlled access.
Brock was different. He left me alone in his house early on in our relationship. His phone is locked, but I know there is only one and it or its screen is never hidden. The most important access was that to his friends; he encouraged me to get to know them on my own, not knowing what stories they may tell. There’s no sense of hiding. Of controlling what is seen and what is hidden. It all hangs out.
He/She Reveals the Bad
Be suspicious when someone’s stories always paint him or her in a positive light. Be extra cautious if blame is always pointed elsewhere. Revealing the bad demonstrates that the person is willing to face and accept reality. It indicates they take responsibility for their actions and choices. And it also means they are willing to confide their weaknesses rather than trying to hide them behind a mask.
Friends Stay Around
When I look back at my ex’s life, he tended to have friends for a season. They all seemed to drift away or he would have some reason to cut contact. Now, I realize that the lies became too much to uphold in certain cases and he had to sever the ties.
A trustworthy person tends to have friends that stay around. Look for loyalty on both sides.
He/She Trusts You
Deceivers and manipulators often assume others are like them. If your partner trusts you, it can be a sign that they can also be trusted. On the flipside, also look out for people that seem to trust too easiliy. They may be pretending for your benefit.
Proof That Isn’t Presented
My ex’s stories always had proof. But that proof was carefully laid out or presented for my benefit. It was too neat. Too perfect. A real story will usually have evidence to support it, but the evidence may not be immediately clear or obvious. Trust but verify and approach carefully wrapped proof with a healthy dose of skepticism.
Little Lies
When asked if he wanted to sample a cookie from a shop in the mall, my then-teenage boyfriend replied, “No thanks. I’m diabetic.” He wasn’t. What he was was a lier. Watch out for people that tell those little fibs with ease. They may be practicing for something greater.
Addresses Issues
All relationships have issues. If you want a trustworthy spouse, look for one that will address matters of concern head-on. After all, lies are meant to deflect, hide or redirect. So pay attention to someone who exhibits those tendencies.
Ultimately, there are no guarantees that your partner is not lying to you. But pay attention, listen to your gut and trust your instincts and you’ll be okay.
And THAT’S the truth!
Are you dating after divorce? Here are some common pitfalls to be aware of –
I received a message the other day from a woman who was recently divorced after fifteen years of marriage. But that’s not why she was reaching out. She was instead asking for help dealing with the utter devastation she was feeling at the end of a six month relationship.
She seemed surprised at the depth of her response.
I wasn’t.
Dating after divorce is often a journey through murky waters. Every encounter and action can have multiple layers, as we work through the end of one marriage, heal ourselves and learn to be in a new relationship. Those events take time and often result in certain stumbling blocks in dating after divorce.
If you were in a long marriage and you were faithful, it has probably been a long time since you have experienced the particular thrill that can electrify the early stages of infatuation. In fact, the last time you felt that intense passion and excitement may well have been with your ex, back when you thought they were the best thing ever. Anyone can get swept up in the romance of new love, but if you’re associating it with the beginning of long marriage, you’re even more at risk for reading more into it than there is. The beginning is always intense. But it’s what happens after that matters.
When a marriage ends, it’s easy to feel unlovable. Broken, even. This belief is even more prevalent when infidelity or abandonment occurred and a partner is left wondering why he/she is not good enough. It’s common to fear that you will be alone. That no one will want you. When that first glimpse of love again occurs, it is though the clouds parted and let the sun through for the first time after a long, dark winter. It’s a sign that maybe you’re not broken beyond repair and that you can be loved as you are. Be careful, though. Because if you’re projecting damage, you will attract those who want to fix – white knights and enablers. It may feel good for a time, but they need you to remain broken. Is that what you want?
When one has been married, one knows how to be married. And one often forgets how to date. Recent divorcees are known for rushing in to a relationship and then rushing in to commitment. It’s usually not intentional. It’s just the comfort zone. But getting to know someone takes time. If you’re talking home buying before you have discussed deepest fears and witnessed their most important values, you’re falling in love with an idea rather than a person. Slow down.
Loss often triggers memories of other loss. Especially when a new relationship is entered soon after divorce, healing may be delayed. After all, it’s more fun to focus on the new romance than the demise of the old. But the thing about feelings is that they refuse to stay buried for long. As a result, the end of even a superficial connection can feel immense as it triggers the emotions buried from the earlier loss. What you feel may not always be a result of what just happened; cause and effect of emotion is more nuanced than that.
By all means, go out and date when you’re ready.
But please, keep your eyes open.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 