We Are the Sum of Our Experiences

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As I mentioned recently, I’m in the early stages of making a major change in my life. This early stage of not-knowing is uncomfortable and so my inclination is to quickly make a decision so that I can disguise my anxiety about the uncertainty as busyness towards the goal.

To help fight that tendency, I’m setting goals for each of the next few months that force me to stay in this open-and-curious and also scared-shitless stage. My goal for January (which I actually started a few weeks ago) was to listen – to myself and to others.

And it’s been eye-opening. First, I’ve had to be very careful with myself as my discomfort with not-knowing has made me prone to all-too-quickly agreeing with the confident wisdom contributed by others.

Secondly, I’ve had to become very cognizant of the filters that the offered wisdom has percolated through before it has reached my eyes or ears.

When it comes to life, we are what we have experienced. This results in the following truisms that become important when we relate to other people:

 

  1. Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

  2. Everybody responds from their own experiences.

  3. Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Other people’s experiences do not mirror your own.

At some point, all of us have sat through a 6th grade math class. Yet, if I asked each of you to reflect on that class, what it made you feel like and what role it has played in your life, I would receive thousands of different responses.

Were you confident in math or was it a subject that always made you feel like you were lacking? Or, did you excel in elementary school and started to have doubts about your ability creep in during 6th grade? Was your teacher encouraging or a bully? Were you at a new school or surrounded by lifelong friends? Was school a respite from a horrible home life or a place that filled you with dread?

 

Everybody responds from their own experiences.

Think about how that experience will shape your mindset as you prepare to meet your own child’s 6th grade math teacher. Even though your kid may be very different than you were at that age, your experiences are going to impact what advice and feedback you deliver to them. Some of that advice may me pertinent to your child and the situation at hand, and other suggestions may be misinformed because they are a response to your experiences, not your child’s. Yet no matter how much you try to relate to your child only from the present, you cannot erase your own experience. In a very real way, it’s what you know.

 

Somebody else’s experience does not invalidate your own.

Even in a school reunion, where everybody is reflecting on the same teacher and the same class, each person will remember something slightly different. One may recall the taunting afternoon sunlight that always distracted them from the instruction while another student, who sat out of view of the window, has no recollection of the time of day the class was held. One may recount the joy of being challenged by the Problem Of the Week while another remembers those same problems as a source of anxiety and dis-inspiration. Just as one former student shouts out, “She was the best teacher ever!” another announces, “That teacher made me think I was stupid.”

And all of those experiences are simultaneously correct. Just because one student hated the class, does not mean that the teacher was ineffective. That class may have been a turning point for one student and a completely forgettable class for another. One person’s experience has no bearing on another’s.

 

Experiences depend upon two characteristics: perspective and connections.

 

Perspective

Even when we share an experience with others, we all have our own perspective of the event. The perspective is formed based on our relationship to the experience.

Snip20200102_9.png

Connections

No experience exists in isolation. We are not blank slates; we come into every experience with our past – even our distant past – setting up certain expectations. Whatever is occurring concurrent with the experience will inevitably alter its greater meaning. Even what happens after can change an experience as you re-evaluate in light of new information.

Snip20200102_10.png

 

So what does this mean?

  • Don’t expect that other people are experiencing the same thing you are even if the external situation is the same.

 

  • Avoid assuming that your experience is identical to theirs and expecting that what worked for you will automatically work for them. We all have different perspectives and assign different meaning to experiences.

 

  • When you feel misunderstood, take a moment and remember that they are responding from their experience. It’s not a matter of them not wanting to understand you; it’s a matter of a different frame of reference.

 

  • Listening is perhaps the biggest gift we can give another.

 

  • Empathy is important in relating to others, yet it also has its limitations. We can imagine what something is like, but it’s important to know that the imagined is not the same as the reality.

 

  • We tend to feel defensive when we feel like somebody’s experience is threatening our own. Remember that both experiences can be true at the same time.

 

  • Be careful with the stories you tell yourself around your experiences. Going back to the 6th grade math class, a student that struggled could hold on to the belief that they’re dumb and bad at math or they could choose to see that as an assumption to be challenged and work to prove it wrong.

 

  • We learn from others, even – maybe especially – when their experiences are different than our own.

8 Strategies to Better Handle Relationship Conflict

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Raise your hand if you feel like you could do better when it comes to managing conflict in your relationship.

I have both hands up.

One of the lovely lasting effects of emerging from a marriage with a covert abuser who morphed and manipulated instead of speaking his mind was that after 16 years of partnership, I was still a newbie at managing conflict. And I’ve had plenty of falls down that steep learning curve.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned (okay, what I’m still learning) –

 

1 – Understand You and Your Partner’s Processing Styles

As an introvert, I tend to think for a long time before I speak. I can easily spend days letting an idea fully form before I release it to the world. My husband is the opposite. A classic extrovert, he processes his thoughts out loud, releasing them before they have any form at all.

Neither style is better than the other, but it’s important to recognize which one best fits you and your partner. The trouble comes when the introvert is pressed to speak immediately or the extrovert’s words are assumed to be well thought out gospel.

 

2 – Don’t Become too Attached to the Initial Words Spoken

We all can choose the wrong words or say something more harshly than we mean it. Whether coming from a place of impulsivity and emotional intensity or from a downward spiral led by our own imagination, we sometimes say things in a hurtful way.

When you’re the recipient of those words, it’s difficult not to react in defensiveness or anger. It feels like an attack and so it’s easy to respond in kind. Strive to take a breath and ask for clarification before you accept those words as truth. Often, you’ll find that those hurtful thoughts were more fears than reality.

 

3 – Speak Early and Often

We all know what happens when you heat a tightly sealed container in the microwave. Don’t be that container. Instead of letting your grievances build, share your concerns as they arise.

This strategy has two benefits – One, conflicts are easily to manage when they are small and two, we improve at anything with practice. You will learn to navigate conflict better if it is smaller and more frequent than the occasional big blowout.

 

4 – Pay More Attention to What is Working

We all are prone to something called the negativity bias, where negative interactions have much more prominence in our minds than positive ones (which helped us avoid eating poison berries back in the day but now means that a random comment on social media can send us for a loop). So be cognizant of what you say to your partner. Strive to make at least 5-6 positive comments for every negative one.

Also be aware of your own reaction. You may feel like they are always harping on you, but is that truth or your own bias convincing you that it is real. Pay attention (and maybe even write down) each of the positive words or actions. They may be more numerous than you realize.

 

5 – Monitor Your Internal Dialog

Have you ever had an entire argument with someone in your head? Or had a dream about someone and been irritated with them when you woke up? Has your brain ever taken a small conflict and ridden it all the way to the most awful and catastrophic conclusion?

It’s easy to make assumptions about how somebody is going to respond and then spiral from those assumptions. Sometimes we spend so much time thinking through a potential conflict that we struggle to separate the real reactions from the imagined ones. Pay attention to how much time you spend mentally rehearsing a conflict and make sure that you give your partner the space to respond before you assume their reaction.

 

6 – Pay Attention to Your Physical Response

Are you starting to shake? Is your blood pressure increasing? How about your heart rate? When your body becomes too aroused from the conflict, your ability to think rationally decreases. You shift from the thinking brain to the reactionary brain.

Learn how to calm your body’s responses through breathing. It may be cliche, but slow and deep breaths really can help to calm the body and mind (I like a 4 count in, hold for 5 and exhale for 7). In addition, note how your body’s position impacts your physical reactions. I have noticed that I literally feel more grounded when I’m sitting on the floor and so I use that to my advantage when I know that I’m in for an emotionally-charged situation.

 

7 – Take Purposeful Timeouts

Timeouts can be a great strategy when a conversation becomes too heated. But they need to be done the right way. First, make sure to set a deadline for when the conversation will be continued. Otherwise, timeouts can simply become a strategy for avoidance.

Also, use the timeout wisely. Exercise, meditate, go for a walk or engage in your favorite creative pursuit. If all you do is sit and stew in your emotions, there is really no value to the break.

 

8 – Engage in Teamwork-Oriented Activities

It’s easy to get confused in the midst of conflict and think that it’s you vs. partner. Where in reality, it’s you AND partner vs. problem. To help reinforce the reminder that you’re on the team, engage in activities that require that you work together to complete some goal.

When doing this, make note (and verbalize) the strengths you see in your partner. Take the time to remember past challenges that you successfully navigated together. Remember what it was that you saw in them in the first place.

Why Self Awareness is Critical for a Healthy Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When asked to enumerate the critical components of a healthy relationship, most people appropriately include “communication” on their list. Communication certainly is critical to a healthy marriage; partnerships that depend upon mind-reading or are characterized by either raised or silenced voices rarely allow for intimacy and mutual support to develop.

Yet something is often missing from the discussion about communication – no matter how skilled a person is at delivering information in a clear and kind manner, they cannot convey what they do not know.

And so when it comes to relationships, self awareness is a vital precursor to communication. Before you can help somebody else understand you, you have to first know yourself.

 

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is an ability to observe and reflect upon ones feelings and responses. Anybody can feel an emotion; a self-aware person can name or describe the emotion. When somebody is self-aware, they are able to take a step back and describe themselves from a more objective viewpoint.

As with most things, self awareness exists on a continuum. Rather than being entirely present or entirely absent, it’s something that we all have to some extent. It begins when the infant first recognizes themselves in the mirror and continues when they learn to identify their agitation as “mad” or “sad.” Some people never advance much beyond those simplistic labels while others become quite adept at being able to describe their inner landscape and motivations. And for all us, self awareness tends to be easier in some areas than others.

Self awareness takes courage; you have to be willing and able to see the negative traits in addition to the positive ones. It requires curiosity, a willingness to ask questions and explore your reactions and assumptions. There is a certain humility that often accompanies self awareness because the imperfect nature of humanity is on full display whenever you look inward.

Awareness is separate from the ability to control an emotional response or make healthy decisions, but it is the first step. A self-aware person may not always act in their best interests, but with some effort, they will likely be able to identify the underlying cause of their behaviors. For example, two people may respond to a break up by drinking too much. The self-aware person will be able to identify that their fear and isolation from the break up is prompting them to look for an escape whereas the person who lacks this insight will fail to understand the reason for their imbibing.

Knowing yourself is never a perfect science. We all change (often below the conscious level) and we are all subject to the myriad fallacies of the human brain. We may reach conclusions that are not valid or neglect to face more undesirable characteristics. Self awareness is not about perfection. It’s not a goal to be reached and forgotten. It’s the consistent attention of a curious and questioning eye turned inwards.

 

Why Do Some People Lack Self Awareness?

One of the more common reasons that people may lack self awareness is from exposure to a traumatic experience. Trauma teaches people that their body, their self, is not a safe place to be. So after trauma, people often try to distance themselves from themselves. Looking too closely means having to face some painful and difficult truths, so instead they turn away. A knowledgeable therapist can be invaluable here in helping to reunite the person with themselves.

Others may have never been provided the instruction in developing a language to describe the inner working of their mind. And language is powerful. Without the words to describe what you’re feeling, there is a limited capacity to fully explore it, much less express it to others. The good news is that this language can be mastered no matter your age.

Some personality disorders also impact an ability to develop self awareness. Consider the classic narcissist whose inflated outer ego is a shield for a wounded and delicate inner self. They rarely seek therapeutic assistance because they cannot bear to see – or admit – the underlying pathology.

 

Why is Self Awareness Important in Relationships?

We all want to be seen and accepted for who we are. But first, it’s critical that we fully understand – and can communicate – who we are. A self-aware person has the tools to choose an appropriate partner, has the ability to reflect upon their own strengths and weaknesses and has the capacity to explore their role in the relationship dynamics.

Self awareness is key in boundary setting. Without an understanding of your own needs, it’s all-too-easy to subjugate them to others. You can’t stand up for yourself if you don’t know yourself.

You can equate a relationship to a dance between two people, an interplay of moves that requires a certain amount of cooperation and anticipation. Self awareness in a relationship is the equivalent of a dance partner knowing where their own body is in space; without this information, it is impossible for the couple to move in synch.

 

 

 

Ten Ways to Shut Down a Conversation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We all know that communication is key when it comes to building and sustaining relationships. Yet that knowledge alone isn’t sufficient to establish an open and mutually beneficial approach to conversations.

Because, let’s face it, it can be challenging to communicate when we feel emotionally threatened or when our beliefs are being challenged. We can all make the mistake of listening to respond rather than listening to understand. And we all can respond in ways that have the unindented effect of shutting down a conversation.

Much of the time, these maladaptive responses are not ill-intentioned. Instead, they often come from a place of self-preservation or a lack of attention. Like with any behavior, these reactions can become ingrained. And like with any habit, the first step to changing it is in recognizing it.

 

Ten responses that immediately shut down a conversation…

 

1 – One-Upping

The intention here is usually a good one, an attempt to share a similar experience in an attempt to express camaraderie and understanding. Yet when this analogous experience is shared too soon or expressed in such a way that makes it seem as though there is a competition, it has the opposite effect. Instead of immediately going into the details of your similar history, consider using your personal knowledge to ask the important questions or share relevant and potentially helpful information. Alternately, you can say, “I’ve experienced something similar. Would you like to hear the specifics?”

 

2 – Minimizing or Dismissing

There is a delicate balance between acknowledging somebody’s feelings and enabling their wallowing in those feelings. It may feel helpful to tell somebody that their situation “Isn’t that bad” or that they have “No reason to feel that way.” It can seem like a sort of verbal pat on the back, a message that they can handle this. And even though you may very well be right and they may be overwhelmed and overly pessimistic in the moment, minimizing their feelings will not help them move forward.

 

3 – At Least…

This is a form of minimization where you point out the positives before the person is ready to contemplate them. I heard this quite a bit in the early weeks after my ex’s disappearance. “At least you didn’t have kids.” “At least you have a job.” “At least he didn’t kill you.” And even though those were all very real and valid statements, I couldn’t hear them at that moment. This is one of those situations where the slightest turn of phrase can make quite a difference. Instead of “At least,” which implies it’s not that bad (and assumes that they also place value in what you do), try saying, “It’s good that…”

 

4 – Redirecting

Conversations rarely operate like a movie on Netflix, where you can push the pause button or change the channel and pick up where you left off. When you change the subject or interject with a joke or off-topic comment, you may be inadvertently communicating that this conversation is not important to you. Sometimes this interjection is done to introduce some levity into a serious talk or to shift gears when the discourse has veered into unproductive territory. These types of redirections can be positive as long as they’re undertaken with care and intention.

 

5 – Beginning With Your Foot Down

Boundaries are important. And so is an open mind. When you begin a conversation with your mind already made up, you are not leaving any space for the other person. In other words, it’s no longer a dialog, it’s a knock upon a door that’s been nailed shut. It’s okay to say “No, I don’t agree” and it’s also okay to listen first. When you start a conversation with your foot down and no room to budge, views have a tendency to become even more diametrically opposed instead of landing on some common ground.

 

6 – Believing the Other Person is Wrong

Unless you’re talking to somebody who is insisting that 2 + 2 is 6, it’s rare that conversational viewpoints are so clearly incorrect. (And even then, I would be curious to learn why somebody believes that 2 + 2 is 6. I may just learn something.) I have found that curiosity leads to better conversations that judgment. Even when somebody is expressing something that goes against my personal beliefs, it doesn’t mean that they’re wrong. They simply have a different view. And that is okay.

 

7 – Trying to Fix Things

Stereotypically, men are the ones who respond to everything with a ready solution, even when their opinion on a resolution isn’t requested. But this reaction is not limited to men. Women are just as likely to try to solve every expressed problem, even when it’s nothing more than an observation or a venting session. There are two problems with this response – you may not accurately identify the problem and by offering a solution without a request for advice, you are undermining the other person’s ability to take care of their own business.

 

8 – Responding With Absolutes

“You always…” “You never…” Those phrases are rarely true. Even the biggest procrastinator sometimes comes in before a deadline. And the most passive person will sometimes stand a stand. Usually when these phrases are used, it is in an attempt to get the person to do more of the opposite. Yet, by refusing to acknowledge when the desired behavior occurs, it actually lessens the chances of it occurring. Instead, try some version of, “I noticed when you [desired behavior]. I liked that.”

 

9 – Overreacting

I saved my particular struggles for last. I’ve shared before about my own tendency to overreact. When a response is at a level ten, it encourages the other person to back off and avoid triggering a similar reply in the future. Overreacting can help create an environment where it isn’t “safe” to share and where one person feels the need to “protect” the other from the truth.

 

10 – Defensiveness

For me, this comes from my deeply internalized belief that I am what I can do for others. So, when some mistake or oversight is highlighted, I easily take that to mean that I am not enough.  Ugh. A defensive response erects a wall in a middle of a conversation. When you’re busy defending, you are no longer able to listen and process new information. I’m still working on this one myself. I think a lot of it comes down to accepting the difference between somebody rejecting my idea/opinion/feelings and somebody rejecting me.

 

I listened to a podcast last year (Conversations With People Who Hate Me), which is a fascinating study of constructive and open dialog. The host, an outspoken liberal, often faces intense criticism from people with opposing views on his YouTube channel. Instead of internalizing these comments or ignoring them, he reached out to the posters and invited them onto his show.

And here’s the really impressive part – at least to me – he talks to them with NO defensiveness and NO preconceived ideas. He asks questions and listens to their responses. He’s not afraid to voice his disagreement, but he does so in a way that doesn’t shut out the other person.

The shows are often awkward. Painful, even. Yet, more often than not, the two people who started out on opposite sides of an enormous divide, manage to find some common ground and mutual respect. It’s heartwarming, motivational and inspiring. A perfect study in how NOT to shut down a conversation.

How to Fight Fairly With Your Spouse

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When Brock and I first started getting serious, I was afraid of arguments.

Because I didn’t know how to have them. When it came to marital spats, I was a newbie.

At any sign of discord or disappointment, I would flood with emotion and any chance of rational thinking would be washed away. I responded defensively, viewing any comment as an attack. I was so busy being upset and even more so, scared, that I wasn’t able to listen to what was being said.

I’ve spent the last several years learning how to argue so that when all is said and done, we not only feel better, we have become better. Here’s some of what I have learned (and what I’m still learning):

The purpose of fighting isn’t to be right; the purpose is to be better.

When you’re in the midst of an argument, it’s easy to feel as though you’re on the attack and you’re being attacked. This position easily leads to a “I’m right, you’re wrong” stance.

And that’s always a losing battle.

Because in order for one person to be right, the other has to be wrong.

Unless, that is, the entire situation is turned on its head. And instead of fighting to be right, you both are fighting to be better. To make you better. To make your spouse better. To make the marriage better.

Reframe your argument as attacking a climbing wall together rather than pulling against each other in a tug-of-war. Ideally at the beginning of the conversation or as soon as you’re aware, try to define what the overall goal is, name the mountain you’re trying to scale. You don’t have to agree on an approach yet, just the overall goal.

See the obstacles in the way of the goal as challenges to be overcome. Try to shift from working against each other to working together to problem solve a solution.

Try facing the same direction. It seems silly, but it really does shift the focus from an attack to making forward progress towards a shared aim.

Instead of bringing up perceived slights of your partner, bring up challenges you have successfully tackled together.

And here’s the hard part – when your anger rises, strive to refrain from aiming it at your spouse. Remember, you chose them. Challenges and all.

Throughout the argument, remember that goal is to change the situation or the perspective, not your partner. Commit to every fight being a fight for your marriage.

Accept that your ego will be bruised.

Be willing to say the hard truths. And be willing to hear them as well. Part of a good relationship is calling your partner out on his or BS, which never feels good.

It feels good in the moment to surround yourself with “yes men,” but too many sycophants don’t make you better. They only make you think you’re better by petting your ego. Refuse to let your ego stand in your way.

On the other hand, strive to not take everything personally. Just because it’s directed at you, doesn’t always mean it’s about you.

Whenever you start to feel defensive, pay attention. Defensiveness is telling you that you’re getting close to something that demands attention.

Also, you’ll do well to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. In a heated conversation, the best and most well-intended of us don’t always choose the right words. Sometimes you have to let the words go and focus instead on the meaning behind them.

Compromise is rarely 50-50.

We speak of compromise as meeting half way. Of both people equally giving in and getting their way.

But compromise is defined more by the situation than equal shares.

Sometimes an issue will be more important to one partner than the other. The one who cares more should have more say. Other times there will be other factors that come into play making one viewpoint more easily achieved. And sometimes halfway can be much harder on one person to maintain than the other.

In arguments, it’s best to take the long view. Don’t fight for this moment, fight for all the moments in your marriage that are yet to come. Don’t worry about compromise being equal on this day, ensure that it’s fair overall.

Monitor your and adjust your arousal state (and keep an eye on your partner’s as well).

Have you ever noticed that when your emotions are high, your sight retracts, sounds become distant and your world draws in until it’s difficult to perceive anything outside yourself? Your body may feel hot or you may start to tremble. This is often when the tears or even sobs begin.

When you’re flooded, a fight simply serves as a dam, holding the emotions at their max. The waters of feelings have to be drained before you and your partner will be able to get to the bottom of the issues.

Watch your partner’s state. If they’re flooding, back off. They are not really listening or processing.

Monitor your own emotional state. If you sense that you’re flooding, communicate it, step back and focus on lowering your arousal state through breathing. Or a break.

Break the discussion into bite-sized pieces, but don’t allow an endless buffet.

Some fights take time to digest. Some solutions take time to process. Give them that time. It’s okay to table the argument for a period and then return to it later once both partners have been able to rest and think and relax.

However, be sure to set an end to the argument. A sign that it’s over. And once that benchmark has been reached, lay the fight to rest.

When the conversation is over, don’t neglect your work.

Have you learned some truth about yourself that you need to work on? Have you realized that you are still being influenced by your past? After the argument, take some time to reflect on the lessons embedded within.

View every fight as an opportunity to become closer to your spouse.

And use the time after the fight to nurture that closeness.

And what I am still learning…