Ten Things We Do For a Sense of Control During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is weird.

Before separate homes are obtained, your spouse is someone you (probably) see more days than not, someone you (most likely) speak to at least once in a 24-hour period and someone who (ostensibly) knows you better than anyone else.

And then you split. And the person who was your everything becomes a sort of avatar in some alternate universe. I mean, they’re not dead but they’re also not the person you knew. They’ve become an almost stranger, yet one that is still somehow familiar.

It’s a weird feeling, going from thinking about them all the time to struggling to not think think about them at all. And in this topsy-turvy turned around world, we often do some strange things in an attempt to regain a sense of control and dominion over our own lives.

Are any of these familiar to you??

 

1 – Sleuthing and Snooping

This was my preferred bid for control while I was waiting to for the courts to confirm that my marriage was over. I somehow felt more comfortable, more confident when I had an idea of where my ex was and what he was doing. It was simply too… well, weird, to go from daily contact to none. So I, in essence, kept up a one-sided relationship for several months by checking to see if his car was at his parents’ and reading his other wife’s blog.

The snooping gave me a sense of control over what was happening to me. Even though I had no influence over the events, I could at least gather some information. And since that’s exactly what I didn’t have during the marriage, it was sort of currency that helped to pay down my anxiety.

Information can become addictive. I realized that my need to keep up with him was beginning to hurt more than help when I recognized that I was energized by the discovery of new information, defeated once it was learned and allowing myself to be controlled by the incoming data.

I made the decision to go cold turkey and never look him up again. That choice was right for me. Do what’s best for you. No matter your choice, think carefully – Are you gaining a sense of control or are you allowing the information to control you?

 

2 – Giving Advice to the Ex

I have worked with several people who find themselves in a position of advice-giver and informal life coach for their ex spouse. The role is often a comfortable one for both partners, especially as it continues to promote helplessness in one and power in the other all while continuing a sense of connection.

I understand the motivation to act as guide for your ex. It’s scary to have someone loose in the world who knows your innermost thoughts and vulnerabilities. The thought of them moving on can stop up a sense of unease. What better way to limit the damage and narrow the options than to act as their advisor?

Of course, this role is often limited in scope and span. At some point, the former partner will either ignore the counsel outright or will begin to seek advice elsewhere. And for the advising partner, the control is more illusion than reality. You can suggest, but you cannot mandate. And that’s a good lesson to learn.

 

3 – Assigning Labels 

I’ve spoken quite a bit about the current trend of labeling people as narcissists. Regardless of the true rate of the disorder, the motivation behind readily assigning labels comes down to a desire for a sense of control.

Whenever we have encounters with difficult people or situations, we use labels to name it and give ourselves a sense of mastery over it. It’s not unlike the concept of knowing a monster or demon’s name in literature; once we name it, we can begin to understand it. And once we understand it, we can then control its influence.

Labeling is a powerful tool. A necessary one. Especially in cases of abuse or extreme power imbalances, labels are extremely effective at deflecting attempted attacks and predicting future ones.

However, labels are also limiting. They are like Cliff Notes, a mere summary of an entire narrative. If you spend too long focused only on the brief synopsis, you risk losing sight of the larger picture.

 

4 – Applying Rigid Rules

“I can’t date again unless it has been at least one year since the divorce.”

“I will never allow myself to trust again.”

“I have to walk exactly 2 miles every single day.”

Rules have their place. Guidelines are important. Yet when requirements become too restrictive or inflexible, it’s a sign that they are being clung to out of a need for control. Sometimes having too many options becomes overwhelming, so we artificially prune our choices until they seem manageable.

I fell into this one during high school with my eating habits as I struggled to gain a sense of control over my health after a freak arm condition and my life as several young friends died. I cut many foods out of my diet and limited my fat intake to unhealthy low levels. In the midst of all of the craziness, calories were one thing I could count on.

By all means, give yourself lines to color within. Just make sure that you’re also giving yourself room to grow and expand.

 

5 – Allocating Blame

The most powerful person in a courtroom is the one who hands down judgments. When we point our fingers at another, it helps us to feel as though we are the ones who are calling the shots. After all, the voice is the only weapon left to the victim, the ability to say, “You did this to me.”

Sometimes blame can be empowering, the acceptance of a painful truth acting as a starting point. Other times, blame becomes a trap, keeping you from looking within.

I felt righteous as I first blamed my ex. After all, I didn’t cheat. I didn’t steal. He was the bad one; I was the good. It seemed so clear. But as time moved on, it also rang false. Yes, he did do those horrific things. And no, I did not. But that didn’t mean that I had no responsibility to accept myself.

What I was really looking for was a promise that this wouldn’t happen again. And that wouldn’t come from pointing fingers at him; the best assurances would come from understanding myself.

 

6 – Micromanaging the Kids

Coparenting is no joke. Just when you get the whole parenting together thing figured out, you have to learn to trust your ex (of all people!) with your children.

A common response to this stressful situation is to try to control all aspects of the children’s experience with the other parent, from the color of their shirts to the side of the car they sit on. Every detail is considered and communicated.

All of that is fear talking. The fear of letting your children out of your sight. The fear that maybe they don’t need you as much as you think they do. The fear of letting go before you’re ready. And so you strive to hold on any way that you can.

Kids need space to grow. Their other parent needs room to navigate their role. This is where trust comes in. Decide what is really important and let go of the rest.

 

7 – Looking For Reasons Why

I was desperate to figure out why my ex did what he did. I turned myself into an amateur sleuth mixed with armchair psychiatrist in an attempt to make sense of the unanswerable. The search itself made me feel like I was more driver and less passenger of my life as I controlled my focus.

This strategy offers a different sort of control. We want the world to make sense. We expect things to be fair. By looking for explanations and motivations, we are trying to prove that the world still operates according to some common sense guidelines.

Looking for “why” can become a trap because there is rarely a satisfactory answer that suddenly causes everything to fall into place. Instead, some tentative understandings may be reached along with a hearty dose of, “who knows?”

 

8 – Obsessing Over the Ex’s New Partner

As soon as I learned the name of my husband’s other wife, I set out to learn everything I could about her. I found out the names of her family members, her place of birth and the high school she graduated from. I used the wedding receipts to ascertain that she was a vegan and I learned about her passions from her blog entries.

In my case, my interest was short-lived. Once I actually talked to her (a conversation that is stranger than fiction; check out the book to get the full story), I realized that his actions were way more about his escape than her attributes.

Others don’t have such an easy out. The new partner is front and center in their minds, becoming all-consuming. And by focusing on this (probably) inconsequential person, they are able to look away from the more painful aspects of the split. In other words, obsessing over the new partner is a way to control the overwhelming emotions.

 

9 – Diving Into the Court Battle

You’ve accepted that you can’t change the past. You’ve admitted that you can’t alter your ex’s behavior. But you can still steer your attorney as long as you keep signing the checks.

Some people seek to find some feeling of jurisdiction during the changes that accompany divorce by striving to dominate the legal process. Some do this through offensive moves, requiring that their ex respond to the constant volley of demands. Others control through noncompliance, dragging out the process and stringing their exes along.

Ultimately, only the attorneys benefit from this bid for power. And no matter how much you pay your lawyer, you may discover that only the judge can make the final call.

 

10 – Changing the External

The breakup haircut. The divorce remodel. We joke about those things because they’re true. When relationships end, we are often driven to make changes in our external world, either by changing our appearance or by altering the space around us. It’s a small way of exerting just a little bit of control in a world gone mad. It’s a way of saying, “I may not be able to command everything, but at least I have authority over this.”

This is one of the healthier ways to find a sense of mastery in your new and unpredictable life. As long as you maintain control over your budget, that is!

And if you think your need for control is out of control, check out this advice on how to rein it in.

 

 

 

What to Expect In Your Teenager When You’re Divorcing

Posted on by stilllearning2b
teenager

I had someone ask me earlier if I had any resources on kids during divorce. My first reaction was to say that, although I’m a child of divorce, I don’t really have any experience as the adult in that situation.

But then I asked what grade the kid in question was in.

And once I received the answer of 8th, I realized that I do have some insight. Even though they’re not my kids and it’s not my divorce impacting them, I have 15 years of witnessing the ways that teenagers deal with their parents’ divorce.

It is so difficult to tease out any acting out caused by the divorce from normal teenage behaviors. Well, as normal as they can be when their prefrontal cortex is not completely formed.

Teenagers are not in their right minds. Literally.

But I do see patterns of behavior that often signal that a divorce has occurred or is in process. Many of these patterns are more common in one gender than the other, although the gender lines are by no means firm. In some ways, divorce can amplify the normal teenage behaviors and other times it completely alters them.

The behaviors are usually the most extreme when the parents are in the middle of the legal process (especially if the kid is being used as bait) but can also appear well after a divorce that occurred in elementary, where the child seemed fine at the time. They can be brief and mild or longer lasting and more severe.

Here are the top behaviors I see in teenagers having trouble trying to process divorce:

The boys are…

Oppositional

The boys can get angry. Very angry. Sometimes it’s directed at a particular person (especially if they see one parent as being at fault), but often it is scattered and nondiscriminatory. They get into fights. They challenge authority at school. Often, when I am able to get them to open up, they are feeling pressure to be the “man of the house” and are trying to toughen up before their time.

These kids need a safe outlet for their anger (martial arts comes to mind), a safe place to be vulnerable, consequences for their misbehavior and reassurance that they are still kids and not responsible for the household.

Withdrawal

Instead of acting out, some boys draw in. Their hair becomes longer and rarely washed. They seem to curl inside themselves at their desks. Their schoolwork suffers as they fail to complete and turn in assignments. Some turn to cutting or other self-harming behaviors. Many turn to video games as an escape. Sometimes I learn of a diagnosis of depression.

These kids need patience, persistence and intervention. If you’re at all concerned about their mental health, seek help sooner rather than later. And try to engage them in life outside the screen.

Using

I can usually tell which of my students drink or use drugs on a regular basis. And many of those are boys with divorcing parents. Some see it as an escape. Some take advantage of a distracted single parent. Some are trying on adulthood. And some are just lost.

These kids need tough love. And soon. Don’t try to handle this one alone. Call on the professionals, for you and your kid.

The girls are…

Perfectionists

These are the ones that often slip under the radar. They’re pleasant. They perform well in school. You may think you have lucked into the perfect teenager, even after going through the breakup of a family. Yet under the guide of perfection is an overwhelming anxiety; some of these girls are trying to do it all out of a fear that they must be perfect to be lovable and accepted. And at some point, they will burn out.

These kids need consistency, reassurance and a way to build confidence (martial arts comes to mind here as well). Encourage play and discourage excessive time on schoolwork. Refrain from associating value with performance.

Mean

The anger in the girls usually presents differently than the boys. They are more covert. Manipulative, perhaps out of a desire to try to exert control when they feel they have none. Their anger is more pointed, either at classmates or at a parent (or often at a new boyfriend or girlfriend of a parent). They develop this “nobody else will ever hurt me” armor and they attack with their words and actions.

These kids need boundaries and they need to face the natural consequences when they’re crossed. The key to softening the armor is usually a relationship with a trusted, non-parent adult – a teacher, a family member, a counselor, who can help them face the pain under the anger.

Acting Out Sexually

Most teenage girls are boy (or girl) -crazy. But most are doing more talking than anything else. For girls going through a family divorce, especially when the father is absent, some start dating older boys and acting on that talk. They want to know they are pretty, special and desired. And they’ll take it any way they can get it. Some of these girls feel abandoned. Others neglected. And some just feel ignored.

These kids need structure to limit their unsupervised access to technology and a watchful eye on their interactions. They also need attention, so strive to provide the attention in positive areas. Most of all, they need love. They are still kids regardless of what behaviors they’re engaged in.

And all teenagers of divorce are…

All of the kids I see with divorce in their story are working through trust issues; they’re often slow to establish bonds. Most look for attention, some by being the “teacher’s pet” and others by being the “class clown.” They’re often a little more on the extremes of the “needy” to “leave-me-alone” curve.

And they’re teenagers. 100-pound hormonal two-year-olds, as I affectionately call them. They’re still learning who they are, how the world works and figuring out their place in it.

Love on them even when they’re irritable. Uphold the rules no matter how many times they’re broken. Give them support when they need it and let them struggle when they don’t. And see them as they are and help them see who they will become.

And be thankful that they’re not teenagers forever.

The Anti-Victim

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever we take Tiger to the dog park, I like to step back and observe the interactions of the dogs and the owners. On the best days, all are relaxed and a singular, calm and happy energy flows through the park. On other days, the energy is divisive rather than unifying, a sense of unbalance and unease transmitted from creature to creature within the fence. It only takes one anxious and unstable dog (or more often, owner) to create the seeds of chaos.

When an unbalanced dog enters the arena, the other canines are quick to assess. Most of them will seek to avoid the negative energy. While others try to correct or eradicate it through physical means, usually growls and nips. This is when the observations really get interesting. Much of the time I see the owner of the unstable dog step in to rescue his or her dog from the perceived attack followed by a coddling session. This affection given while the dog is anxious only seeks to reinforce the behavior. It is teaching the dog to be a victim. It is also preventing the dog from learning how to solve its own problems as it comes to rely on its owner stepping in and white knighting the situation.

In more successful outcomes, the owners of the involved dogs will watch the interactions, looking carefully for a potentially dangerous situation that requires intervention but remaining hands off as much as possible. When this happens, the unstable dog tends to a minor beating but it also learns. It learns where it stands in the pack, it learns how and when to fight back and stand up for itself and it learns that it can solve its own problems. After a few moments of rough and tumble and vocalizations, all involved usually trot off happily and the energy balance is restored. The instability has been corrected.

Now humans are obviously not dogs. We don’t live in hierarchical packs and we don’t usually teach through teeth and growls. And luckily, our greetings do not usually involve butts and/or noses. But we can learn from observing our canine friends, whose lessons come from a much simpler world than ours.

People perceived as victims in our society tend to face one of two reactions – blame or enable, neither of which help to change the energy balance in the interaction.

I’ve written before about the danger of victim blaming. This perspective is used to justify the attack on the victim, shifting all of the responsibility onto the damaged party. Most recognize the fallacy in this thinking and reject the idea.

But we are much more willing to accept imbalance in the other direction. When the victim is enabled, it nurtures unstable behavior. It shifts all of the responsibility to the other party. It tells the victim that he/she does not have learn how to solve his/her own problems; someone will step in for the rescue. In essence, we are like the dog owner swooping in to pick up the anxious dog before the lesson is learned.

Whatever you nurture, grows.

When we enable victims, we cultivate victims.

So, then, what do we do? How can we support victims while encouraging them to no longer be victims?

Watch Before Intervention

Just like the informed owners at the dog park, watch the interaction before donning your Superman costume. Be ready to intervene if the situation becomes dangerous but give the participants a chance to work it out for themselves first.

Support Rather Than Nurture

When interacting with the victim, especially if he/she is anxious or unstable, provide support and reassurance but do not nurture the anxiety. When someone is anxious, it is better to be clinically kind (think good bedside manner) than motherly.

Encourage Growth and Stability

When the victim is not in crisis, help him/her address the underlying issues. Teach them how to remain calm. Show them how to be centered and in control of themselves. Encourage them to take responsibility for their choices and reactions.

Empower the Person, Not the Behavior

When working with someone who has been victimized, be careful not to permit the behaviors that accompany the victim state as that serves to sanction that behavior. Rather, seek to empower the person behind the behavior so that they can learn to emancipate themselves from victimhood.

Blaming and enabling only serve to create more victims as the power is held unevenly and instability is rewarded. Whereas, if we can learn to cultivate anti-victims through support and encouragement, the great dog park of our lives can be filled with more wagging tails and fewer growls.

This post is Tiger approved.

photo