How to Create a Divorce Care Package

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce care package

So you just found out that your friend or family member is getting divorced. After the initial shock and disbelief fades and you’ve gathered and digested the salient facts, you’re left with a deep desire to help. To at least soothe the pain since you cannot make it all go away. And much like kids at their first sleep-away camp, teenagers during their first semester at college or soldiers on their first deployment, people in the early stages of divorce are homesick, lonely and often scared.

And a small collection of tailor-picked items can go a long way to making them feel loved and supported.

Here’s your cheat sheet for assembling a divorce care package that any newly single person would be grateful to receive:

Something to Comfort

One of the first purchases I made for myself was a super-soft extra-fuzzy blanket. I used to cocoon myself in it at night when I cried. It was essentially the adult equivalent of a teddy bear. Think about your loved one. Do they tend to seek out a certain food when upset? Or are they more tactile and would prefer something soft against the skin? Maybe they slip the headphones on and disappear into a world of music. Whatever their preferred modality, something that provides a portable on-demand hug goes a long way during divorce.

Something to Distract

Divorce has plenty of ongoing bad days. And sometimes you just want to forget about the lawyers and the negotiations and focus on another world for a time. If your friend is a reader, buy an engrossing (but not too complex – the brain isn’t functioning at peak capacity) fictional book. It’s even better if it’s the first of a series; that promises many days of distraction. Puzzles are a great tool to divert the mind and you can even play Words With Friends or Trivia Crack with them. If they are more of a watcher, buy a movie or a series for them. Even better, set up a recurring date with them to watch a favorite show.

made-570804_1280

Something From the Past

Divorce is a time of identity crisis. You are no longer your married self and, as you try to figure out who you are now, it can be comforting to connect with the person you were prior to the marriage. If you knew the person during this period of their life, find something that will remind them of that more innocent time.

Something Indulgent

It feels good to be pampered. And when you’re going through the end of life as you know it, it feels even better. Spring for a massage. Or a pedicure. Take them to a restaurant known for its amazing service. It can be as simple as some bath salts and a candle or as involved as you want to make it. I used to save those little indulgences as treats after particularly difficult days. It helped me make it through just knowing that I had something to look forward to.

Something to Ease the Routine

Life can be overwhelming. And when you’re trying to learn to do the work of two by yourself (especially if you have kids), the pressure is immense. Gift a gift of ease. Offer to take their children to school or car in for servicing. Offer to help clean their house or wash their dog. When someone is in survival mode, the little things add up. So find something you can take off their plate.

Something to Do Together

These were my favorite care package items during my divorce. Some were elaborate and some extremely simple. In every case, the time together let me know that my friend was thinking of me and it gave me much needed laughter as well as time away from the reality. Go on a hike together. Go to a concert. Watch a game. Explore a nearby town. The “what” matters less than that you plan it, invite them and take care of any barriers in their way.

Something to Feel Attractive

In any divorce, there is a fear of getting back out there. Of dating again in your older and saggier form. And if there was infidelity, their confidence has taken an even bigger hit. Include something in the care package that makes them feel attractive. Desirable. They will probably not be ready for it at the beginning, but when they are ready, it sure is nice to have that little reminder handy.

Something to Inspire

I used to tease my mom about her ever-present inspirational quotes. And then I got divorced and suddenly I surrounded myself with them as well. You don’t have to limit yourself to quotes. Give them a postcard from a trip you took together or that they dream of going on. Include a plant that is just starting to grow or bud as a reminder that they will bloom again. It can even be more symbolic, taking the form of a rising phoenix or emerging butterfly. This is the gift of hope.

All of these gifts will be appreciated and treasured. But the gift that means the most can’t be put into a box or presented in a card. It’s the gift of an empathetic ear and a supportive hug. Be there and they will never forget.

An Objective Look At Your Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When we’re on the inside of a relationship, it is often difficult to be objective. After all, we don’t just observe, we experience. We feel. And sometimes we only see what we are prepared to see.

So it can be helpful to have a metric with which to assess the health of our relationships. I like these lists. They’re succinct yet they’re complete. They can give you a sense of the overall health of your current relationship, help you understand what went wrong in a past relationship or highlight areas where you can improve.

Check out both. Although there are some areas of overlap, healthy is not simply the absence of the unhealthy traits.

50 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

50 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

One of the more important aspects of a healthy relationship is respecting (or even celebrating) your differences. Brock tucked a rose into the vase of tulips that I purchased for my desk. I love the wild abandon of the rose against the more restrained temperament of the tulips. And it is a perfect image for how Brock and I are different and together make life more interesting.

photo-149

Opinion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I realized something last night.

Brock asked for my opinion. It was about something where I have no expertise and that ultimately comes down to his personal decision.

But he still asked for and valued my opinion.

He does this frequently. In fact, often enough that I sometimes get annoyed.

“Why do you want to know what I think? It’s your decision. It comes down to what you want.”

But last night, I realized something.

That him asking for my opinion (even and maybe especially in areas where I have no particular insight) is a sign of respect. Of openness. Of equality.

And the reason that I get annoyed is that I’m not used to that from my husband. At least not the first one.

There were decisions we made together – options that impacted us both. And then there were decisions he made on his own. And he never wanted my input on those one way or another.

I was used to that independent streak, especially because I carry quite a strong one myself. When we weren’t involved in a joint venture (which was often, including the weekly grocery trip), we were usually operating solo.

So that means when I hear, “Lisa, can you come give me your opinion on something?” when I’m in the middle of my own project, I can get a little irritated at the interruption.

Until last night’s realization.

He’s not asking me because he really needs my input; he’s perfectly capable of making decisions on his own (and often better than I am in the midst of a crisis).

He’s not interrupting me because he either doesn’t value my current project or with any intention of annoying (not even remotely part of his character).

He’s asking for my opinion because he cares about my opinion. Even when it’s about something that is his own decision to make.

And that’s worth an interruption any day.

On a related note, I called my mom for her opinion about a project I am working on. She was thrilled:)

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b
withdraw

We’ve all felt it.

That certain chill in the air. The posture slightly too rigid and closed off. The tone that is just a little too clipped. The words may be right, but something is off.

A disconnection.

It’s like the plug that charges the relationship is only partly plugged in.

It happens in every relationship. It can be as minor as one partner withdrawing for a few moments or hours. Or, it can also prove fatal to the marriage when withdrawal becomes the default position.

So why do people withdraw from their partners? What makes the connection faulty and the charge intermittent?

Fear of Intimacy

It’s scary to allow someone in to your innermost thoughts, dreams and fears. As relationships progress into ever-deepening levels, it’s common to pause and even retreat for a bit to acclimate to the new level of connection must like a deep sea diver has to take breaks on the return to the surface. This type of withdrawal, when short-lived, is nothing to worry about. It’s simply time spent adjusting and processing before the next level is reached. If, however, the retreat from intimacy occurs early and often, it may be a sign that someone is not yet ready to be vulnerable and open.

Fear of Rejection

This withdrawal type can lead to a sad self-feeding loop. One partner is afraid of rejection and decides that he or she would rather retreat than risk approach. The other partner can then easily feel rejected by their partner pulling back. You can have a situation where both people crave connection yet are too afraid to risk asking for it. If you find that you are afraid of rejection, work to address your own needs that allow this worry to grow. If your partner makes a bid for attention, work to respond in a way that is accepting rather than rejecting.

Flooding

Some people are more sensitive than others; an amount of emotion that may feel perfectly tepid to one person may be scalding to another. When somebody floods, their emotions are overwhelming them. And even though their surface may remain placid, inside they are a tantruming toddler. When someone is flooded, they are unable to respond rationally and struggle to normalize their emotional balance. When something is too intense, it’s natural to retreat for a time. Flooding is often a sign of some unresolved trauma, the emotions triggered having more to do with the past than the present.  If your partner is easily triggered, work to be supportive and patient while encouraging him or her to address the underlying issues. If you find that you are easily overwhelmed, make resolving your trauma a priority.

Anger

Some people wear their anger on their sleeves, leaving no doubt as to the emotion at the helm. Others are more covert, either because they have been trained to hide anger or because they are afraid of addressing the underlying problem face on. And furtive anger can often lead to withdrawal when one partner steams in silence. When anger is at a peak, it is often advisable to retreat for a time to calm down and think more rationally. That respite should be followed by approach, communicating the anger and working together to resolve the broken boundaries. If one (or both) partners consistently fume from afar, the anger will only mutate into resentment, causing a more permanent rift in the relationship.

Introversion

Some people simply require more solitude than others. It’s easy for an extrovert to sense a disconnect from their introverted partner when the latter is retreating in order to refuel his or her energy. If you are the more introverted partner, it is your responsibility to communicate your need for alone time to your spouse and make connection and intimacy a priority when you are together. If you are feeling left out by an introvert, learn how to establish connection without overwhelming their senses.

Outside Pressures

Marriages do not exist in a vacuum. We all have demands placed (okay, sometimes heaped) upon us from outside the relationship. Withdrawal can occur anytime someone is feeling overwhelmed and overworked. It’s a method of survival, cutting off blood flow to some areas in order to focus on what is critical in the moment. A marriage can survive a short-term starvation of attention and energy. Yet leave the tourniquet on too long, and there will be no marriage to return to. If your spouse is in survival mode, strive to be compassionate yet also persistent about maintaining connection. If you are the drowning one, don’t neglect to ask your spouse for a hand.

Pursuer/Withdrawal Dance

This is one of the fatal relationship patterns often described by Gottman. Understand that your partner’s withdrawal has more to do with them then with you. Don’t take it personally. But at the same time, take it seriously, because a habit of withdrawal can initiate a catastrophic domino effect. The initial withdrawal can occur for any of the above reasons. If it is then followed by a desperate grab for attention by a panicking spouse, it sets up the choreography for a dance where one partner is always retreating and the other is always grasping.

 

All relationships have an ebb and flow of intimacy. The challenge is learn how to ride it out rather than allow any periods of withdrawal to slide into a downward spiral of disconnection. For the partner sensing the distance and craving connection, the key is to relax and not push away or flood the more reserved partner. And for the attachment to return, the retreating partner must be aware of his or her own patterns and make a sustained effort to maintain the intimacy.

Why Are Relationships So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whether it was your first heart-break in middle school, your first big misunderstanding with the one you thought-was-the-one or reality moving in along with your partner, at some point you learned that relationships aren’t easy.

That staying together requires a lot more effort than getting together.

And that relationships are a challenge no matter what the circumstances.

So what is it that makes relationships so hard?

Vulnerability

Most of us walk around like an M&M, safely tucked inside a hard shell that is resistant to melting. Yet, melt is exactly what we must do if we want to establish an intimate connection. And it’s scary to reveal yourself in all your inner glory; you risk wounding or even worse, rejection. Maintaining vulnerability is a continual task. It takes sustained effort and intention to refrain from becoming closed off.

Ego

The best relationships are when both partners aren’t afraid to call the other out on their sh*t and when each is willing to listen. A relationship won’t make it far if you think you have nothing to learn. It’s not easy to lay down your defenses and admit your wrongdoings. It’s difficult to apologize and release the ego. It’s even harder to utter, “You’re right” and be happy saying it because it means you learned something.

Control

One of the most humbling realizations in any relationship is that your partner is an individual, with his or her own free will. Unlike those thousands of (mostly young and always naive) Twitter followers that declare, “I don’t believe in divorce. You mad? Go to the other room and we’re going to talk this out.” Because the truth is, apart from kidnapping, your partner may not want to go to the other room and talk it out. Relationships require that you share a life while accepting that you also live separate lives. Not an easy balance.

Baggage

We all carry wounds and patterns from the past into our relationships. Whether you were the peacemaking middle child in your family and now you try to avoid conflict in your marriage or you experienced infidelity and now you have trouble trusting, your past experiences shape your current situation. If those issues aren’t addressed and tamed, they will choke out the relationship with their tenacity. It’s difficult to face these problems; often we would rather pretend they are absent or inconsequential. It takes courage to unpack your past.

Expectations

We all have expectations of what relationships look like. We grew up watching marriages play out on television and watched our parents’ marriage evolve (or devolve) in front of our eyes. We often makes assumptions that our partners have the same expectations for marriage without taking the time to ask and find out (After all, what if they have a different image? That’s a scary reality to face.). When different expectations collide, the fallout can be devastating.

Acceptance

In the beginning, your partner was probably on a pedestal only because you didn’t know any better. Then at some point, you learned that this one wasn’t perfect either. In fact, you realized that he or she had all kinds of quirks and irritating traits. But you know what? You do too. And a successful relationship means accepting the messy, imperfect and often infuriating humanness of your partner. Without rubbing their noses in it.

Adaptation

Relationships are not stagnant. Just when you finally learn how to talk with your partner about money without falling into a blame/defensive pattern, something changes. And then you have to change in kind. There is no status quo. It takes energy and effort to grow. And the most difficult reality you may find you have to adapt to is that your relationship may not have staying power. And the lessons learned from one relationship may be applied in the next.

Yes, relationships are challenging.

And it is that challenge that also makes them so wonderful.

Because they push us to become stronger.

Teach us to become wiser.

And humble us to become kinder.

photo-119