Uncategorized

How to Steer Your Dreams

Posted on March 14, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I remember feeling safe. Our bodies were pressed together, recesses and curves paired together as though from complementary molds. His smell was familiar, both comforting and intoxicating, bringing contentment with a whisper of passion. My eyes were closed as we began to kiss, slow caresses that were full of promise and affection. As our lips parted, I pulled back and opened my eyes.

In my dream, I screamed and shoved him away in disgust and revulsion.

In my bed, I sat straight up, my pulse racing and my stomach queasy.

It had happened again.

For the first several months after he left, some version of this dream would visit me on a regular basis. It was one of those persistent ones. The kind that leave a lasting mark like the reddened skin after a pinch, coloring the entire day. I hated those dreams. They embodied my shock and confusion at the discovery that my protector had turned into my persecutor as the dream flipped from love to horror. Furthermore, the dream made me feel violated and dirty, as I no longer felt any sort of attraction to him.

I hated them.

But still they came.

Quickening the pulse and deadening the day.

I tired of them.

I tried ordering my brain to stop force-feeding me those images while I was defenseless.

It stubbornly refused, simply providing variations on a theme.

So I got creative.

It’s impossible to fully control your dreams. Yet you can apply some strategies that help to steer them in the direction you want:

Purge

If you fall asleep with a whole bunch of toxic sludge filling your thoughts, it is no surprise that those thoughts will work themselves into an unwanted dream. Before you head to bed, purge your mind of all those worries and fears bu simply jotting them down. This is not a full writing exercise, simply a listing of words and/or phrases that capture the negativity on your mind. Let it go first and perhaps it will let you rest in peace.

Replace

If your dream is like mine where the context is fine and the person is the problem, work to replace them in your mind. Before you fall asleep, picture the replacement in the situation. If you awake from the dream, similarly picture the stand-in. It’s often easier to tweak an element of a dream than to try to suppress the entire thing.

Edit

Another way to actively modify your dream is to rewrite the portion that causes grief. Most likely, the worst part of the “story” occurs at the point where it awakens you. So, once you are awake and in control again, finish out the story, bringing an ending that is less painful. You’re telling yourself, “Yes, that was scary. But it was not the end of the story. I can still change the outcome.”

Listen

Sometimes our dreams contain a message. Sometimes there are themes we need to address in our lives or voids we need to fill. Examine your dream, looking not at the literal components, but at the overarching truths. Is there something there that you’ve been hesitant to face in your real life? If so, this is your wake-up call.

Journal

Journal writing exists in the space between the conscious and unconscious minds. It is uniquely positioned to allow your thinking self to dialog with your feeling self. Write about your dreams without censorship. Explore the paths that appear. And don’t hesitate to build new paths as well.

Prime

Be cognizant of what you are exposed to right before bed. If your reading or viewing selection if fraught with tension and dark themes, it primes the mental pump to continue these in to slumber. Instead, select media that provides a sense of levity or comfort and allow it to infuse your dreams.

Live

This is perhaps the most important piece. Live while you are awake. Don’t allow your nightmares to limit your dreams.

Once I instituted these ideas, the dreams began to lose their power. First, their intensity was lessened as he was replaced by a replacement. I would still wake up, but I would be left with a feeling more of confusion than of horror. Then, the dreams began to lose their frequency, becoming more and more rare as I addressed the root emotions and continued to build my new life. And now, those dreams are only a memory, safely buried.

Five Years Ago Today

Posted on March 11, 2015March 11, 2015 by stilllearning2b

Five years ago today, I awoke afraid of seeing the man who had abandoned me eight months before. And when he passed me in the courthouse hall, I didn’t even recognize him.

Five years ago today, I was ready for the divorce I never wanted from the man I thought I knew.

Five years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with. A man I once considered my best friend. We never made eye contact.

Five years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved. I saw none. After sixteen years, he was truly a stranger to me.

Five years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine. Hoping that the judge saw through his lies and would not fall sway to him charms. She didn’t, even asking my husband’s attorney if he was “psycho.” The lawyer could only shrug.

Five years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that it was all over. It was a relief and yet the finality was jarring.

Five years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden. I believed I couldn’t begin to heal until his malignancy had been removed.

Five years ago today, I laughed when I learned he hadn’t paid his attorney. I had warned the man my husband was a con. Maybe he believed me now.

Five years ago today, I held tightly to that decree, still believing that its declarations had power. I felt relief that he would have to pay back some of what he stole from the marriage. The relief was short lived.

Five years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman. Steps I never expected to take. The first few were shaky. But I soon started to find my stride.

Five years ago today, I sat around a restaurant table with friends and my mother. A table that had held my husband and I countless times over our marriage. We celebrated the end of the marriage that night. I had celebrated my anniversary there the year before.

Five years ago today, I read my husband’s other wife’s blog for the last time, curious if she would mention anything about the court date. She did not. I erased the URL from my history. It no longer mattered.

Five years ago today, I sealed the piles of paperwork from the divorce and the criminal proceedings into a large plastic tub. As the lid clicked in place, I felt like I was securing all of that anguish in my past.

Five years ago today, I started to wean myself off of the medication that allowed me to sleep and eat through the ordeal. I was thankful it had been there, but I no longer wanted the help.

Five years ago today, I fell asleep dreaming of hope for the future rather than experiencing nightmares of the past.

And now, five years on, I could not be happier with where I am.

Not because of the divorce.

But because losing everything made me thankful for everything.

Because being blind made me learn how to see.

Because being vulnerable created new friendships and bonds.

Because being destroyed made me defiantly want to succeed.

And because losing love made me determined to find it again.

I am happier than I’ve ever been.

And I could not be where I am without five years ago today.

Plant Your Bulbs

Posted on March 7, 2015 by stilllearning2b

I get geeked out for spring.

No, really.

I mean I become a full-on fan girl for everything green and growing.

I can shriek as loudly as my students at a One Direction concert when I walk into a well-stocked nursery.

Yeah, it’s kinda sad.

Yesterday afternoon, I took Tiger for a walk around the neighborhood and enjoyed the early spring bulbs just beginning to show their faces after the late and overly harsh winter storms we endured this year. My own yard is late to the party; the ample shade means that it takes just a little longer for everything to grow and bloom.

So I was thrilled when I returned home from the walk to notice the small purple blooms on my leaf litter-covered speedwell. The sight is especially welcome after a week consumed by loss.

A new cycle has begun.

My planting beds are peppered with green stalks bursting with daffodils ready to bloom. I remember planting those bare, dry lifeless roots in the cold soil last fall. Even though I’ve planted fall bulbs many times, it’s always an exercise in faith. In my region, the bulbs go into the ground just as the warm weather annuals ave gone from bloom to blackened and the perennials are shriveled and brown. It’s a time of death in the garden. And yet I still plant those hard little brown nubs, trusting that life will sprout again.

And it always does.

In the autumns of life, it’s important to plant your bulbs – those roots and beginnings of hope and new life. It is an exercise of faith as you trust that those small beginnings will lead to flowers later. Yet, with patience and nurturing, the blooms always come.

Don’t Allow Your Pain to Filibuster

Posted on March 4, 2015March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I’ll never forget the social studies class where I first learned about filibusters, reading the story of Thurmond’s famous 24-hour stall tactic in a classroom magazine publication.

Not content with the information contained in the short article, I raised my hand for more.

“What do they talk about for so long?”

“Anything,” my teacher responded. “Senators have even been known to read their grandmother’s recipes or recite the phone book.”

“That’s dumb,” I replied with the know-it-all wisdom of an eight-year-old. “That’s just wasting everyone’s time.”

“Exactly. That’s the point.”

“So they’re just stubborn and want to get their way. Okay, I get that,” I responded, finally satisfied. But I still thought it seemed kind of dumb. I couldn’t believe that grown adults would resort to such childish methods. Giggling under my breath, I pictured them on the senate floor, fingers in their ears, singing, “Na na na na boo boo. I can’t hear you.” Who knows, it’s probably happened.

Now very few of us live with senators and hopefully you do not reside with someone who demands to have the floor to blather on with endless prattle.

But that doesn’t mean you’re immune to filibuster.

Because it’s not only the domain of congress.

It’s a strategy often employed by our emotions as well.

Where the pain blares on long after it has anything useful to say.

With the sole purpose of not allowing any response.

By all means listen to your pain.

And then at some point, show it the door.

Don’t allow your pain to filibuster.

I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you for all of the kind notes, messages and emails the last couple days. I haven’t been able to respond, but please know I’ve read and appreciated them all.

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: