If There Has to Be An Ending, Why Not Make It a Good One?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My school of the last five years is involved in a meiosis of sorts, splitting and dividing into two halves, each pulling some of its identity from the whole. Good schools become families, adults coming together with the shared goal of nurturing and launching children. The restructuring of a school is the break up of a family, with all of the associated heartache and opportunity. And it’s often a break up that nobody wants.

Last night, we celebrated the final day of the existence of the staff as a single entity before the last strands are cut today as we move into our new schools and our new roles.

And it was a wonderful celebration. Equal parts belly laughs and tears. Differences set aside in lieu of gratitude for shared experiences and the unique gifts that each person shared during their tenure.

Yes, it was sad. We traded stories about some of our most challenging – and rewarding – students, realizing as we shared that we may never again be in the company of others who participated in that same memory. We grew a little apprehensive, wondering how in the world we would ever build this kind of connection and camaraderie in our new schools. The task feels daunting, especially when compared to the already-built relationships. We poked fun at each other’s warts without causing distress because we all know it comes from a place of love and acceptence. And we wondered if our new family would be accepting as well.

It was sad. It is sad.

But it’s not only sad.

Last night was a rememberence and celebration of all that had been and the early excitement of what is to come. A perfect blend of memory and anticipation. An acknowledge of the end tempered with gratitude that it existed.

As I listened to two talented teachers lead a inside-joke filled presentation, I thought how wonderful it would be if we could always approach life’s endings in this way.

With equal parts belly laughs and tears.

If there has to be an ending, why not make it a good one?

 

 

A Vegetarian and a Meat-Eater Walk Into a Coffee Shop

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite comical in retrospect.

On our first date, my now-husband expressed some hesitancy and concern about me.

And not because I was yet to be legally divorced.

Or because I was engaged in a confusing and overwhelming legal battle with a criminal ex.

Or even (okay, especially) because I was still an emotional wreck trying to learn to walk again on my own.

No, none of that (at least from what was divulged that afternoon over coffee) scared him.

What made him dubious was an off-handed comment I made when he tried to get me to order food.

“No thanks,” I said. “I’m kind of a pain to feed since I’m vegetarian and gluten and I don’t get along. Don’t worry about me,” I said with a smile as I accepted my welcomed coffee.

It was only years later that I learned that he was concerned that our dietary differences, specifically in regards to my avoidance of meat,  would be insurmountable. I was surprised, to say the least. And relieved that he took the leap regardless and that we’ve negotiated a respectful relationship around food.

I love to see the ecstasy on his face when he enjoys a good crab cake more that I dislike the smell. In fact, I even made them from scratch for him as a birthday present. With the house wide open. In the middle of an early freeze. He’s understanding of my inability to buy raw meat and courteous to air out the house when he cooks it. When we are traveling, I frequently offer to forgo restaurants that work better for me so that he can partake of the regional carnivorous delights. Besides, salads only have so much variation:)

Last week, I realized how far he’s come from being afraid of our differing diets. We bought a grill – our first together – both for ourselves and for a party we just had yesterday. When we ended up selecting one too small for a “veggie only” patch of real estate, he immediately went over to the accessory section to find a dish that can be placed on the grill to keep any veggies (or tofu!) safe from any offending meat grease. When I labeled one of two spatulas “VEG,” he commented that it was a great idea. And then last night, he suggested I hide my spatula to keep it from inadvertantly being chicken-christened by an uninformed guest.

He doesn’t understand my revulsion around meat, but yet he respects it. I don’t understand his desire to eat flesh, yet I honor it. We both come from a place that the other person is more important than what is on their plate. After all, it’s not really the differences that divide a couple; it’s the reaction to them.

Little did he know years ago that one day he would actually be protective of my eating habits and that he would still be putting up with some of my occassional emotional wreckedness.

It reminds me of that quote often misattributed to Twain –

I’ve had a lot of worries in my life. Most of which never happened.

How true.

 

 

Guest Post – Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I felt like I was blindsided twice in my divorce – first by my husband and then again by the courts. The court system is overwhelming, the process is scary and the outcomes are potentially life-altering.  This information and advice from an attorney who has been there, done that may help you go into your divorce better prepared than I was and with a better outcome than I had.  I hope so.

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Lifestyle Analysis in Divorce Proceedings: Uncovering Hidden Assets

Divorce, or dissolution of marriage, is a highly personal, emotional experience that goes much smoother if the parties are willing to cooperate. Despite the obvious benefits of working together, divorce remains a fairly adversarial process that can sometimes get downright malevolent. Whether you are the spouse filing for divorce or the spouse responding to a divorce action, you should consult a lawyer to make sure you are aware of all your legal rights and obligations. This is especially important if the other party is being difficult. One of the most significant aspects present in every divorce where an attorney’s advice can make a big difference is in reviewing financial matters.

 

The Financial Affidavit

All divorce proceedings, whether contested or not, require each party to complete a financial affidavit that discloses all assets, income, expenses, and liabilities. These affidavits are known by different names, such as “Verified Financial Disclosure Statement” in Indiana, and “Verified Disclosure Statement” in Kentucky. No matter what they are called in your state, they must be signed under penalty of perjury that the information provided is correct.

 

The financial affidavits are essential to the final divorce settlement agreement because they are the basis for deciding child support and property division, and whether one spouse is entitled to maintenance. The affidavits are usually prepared by the client, many of whom take wild guesses at the figures. Thing is, it’s human nature to estimate incorrectly, especially under stress. But because complete accuracy now can make a big difference in your financial future, it may be wise (or even court-ordered) to complete a lifestyle analysis.

 

The Lifestyle Analysis

In contrast to the financial affidavit, which gives a view into an individual’s finances at a certain point in time, a lifestyle analysis examines several years of financial activity. It looks at the couple’s spending habits along with the day-to-day living expenses incurred during their marriage. The focus is usually on the last three to five years of marriage in order to get a good understanding of patterns, although the longer the time period analyzed, the more credible the report.

 

The idea is a fairly basic one: if what is being spent on a lifestyle is more than the income that is reported, then it is likely there is another source of income. The analysis usually includes, but is not limited to, researching:

  • Bank records
  • Checkbook registers
  • Credit card statements
  • Credit reports
  • Insurance documents
  • Loan applications and agreements
  • Pay stubs
  • Payroll records if spouse is a business owner
  • Personal and business income tax returns
  • Property tax bills
  • Recurring and ordinary expenses within larger basic categories such as clothing, food, housing, entertainment, travel, etc.
  • Retirement accounts
  • Seasonal expenses
  • Unusual or non-recurring expenses.

 

There are many different reasons why this documentation and verification of expenditures during the marriage may be needed. The most common reasons are to determine the standard of living during the marriage and to determine the appropriate levels of child support and maintenance. A lifestyle analysis can also be very useful in determining whether a spouse is underreporting income on the financial affidavit, has concealed assets, has overstated debts, or has spent marital monies on activities that could influence the case (such as gambling, drugs or paramours).

 

While it can sometimes be hard to determine whether a lifestyle analysis is warranted, there are certain red flags that can signal the need to take a closer look. In many instances, one spouse is already suspicious of the other before they are even separated. Any spouse that exerts excessive control over financial matters should be more thoroughly examined as someone who is likely to manipulate financial facts. A spouse with a history of deception, or of pressuring or coercing the other to sign unusual documents, is a prime candidate for analysis. Has your spouse made large purchases without your knowledge? Have large sums of money disappeared without plausible explanations? These are signs that may indicate the need for a more careful evaluation.

 

Hidden Assets

It’s possible that during the process of completing the financial affidavit or the lifestyle analysis you may discover that your spouse has a financial secret. Comprehensively investigating financial records may reveal that he or she has been hiding income, selling marital assets, buying property, or even bankrolling an extramarital affair. Once exposed through the analysis, this deception can be taken into consideration when the judge determines the divorce settlement agreement.

 

Concealed assets are typically either placed in the hands of third parties or behind false documents. Common ways of hiding assets include:

  • Bearer municipal bonds
  • Collectibles, possibly kept at a friend’s house or the office
  • Converting cash into personal property that may be overlooked or undervalued
  • Custodial accounts established under a child’s social security number
  • Delaying work bonuses, raises, contracts or stock options until after the divorce
  • Faking debts owed to family or friends
  • Giving gifts (like jewelry or cars) that are to be returned once the divorce is finalized
  • Offshore accounts
  • Safety deposit boxes
  • Secret retirement accounts
  • Series EE savings bonds
  • Transferring money into trusts.

 

The point of identifying and valuing all the assets is to decide which marital property is subject to division, thereby allowing an equitable apportionment. A spouse who deliberately hides assets can face a number of consequences, including being charged with fraud, ordered to pay the other party’s fees, having his or her claims dismissed, or having the other party be awarded the entirety of the hidden assets. Penalties vary from state to state and are heavily dependent on the circumstances of the case.

 

Seeking competent and knowledgeable legal advice now will help you avoid costly, long-term mistakes. In order to make certain that you receive and retain all the assets to which you are entitled after a divorce, it is important to talk with a skilled divorce lawyer. In extremely complex situations, divorce lawyers may enlist the assistance of other professionals who have specialized training and expertise in investigating the financial intricacies of a divorcing couple. Financial advisors, CPAs, forensic accountants, and Certified Divorce Financial Analysts® are some of the professionals who may be consulted. It can sometimes take a team to help a spouse stay on the right side of the law while working to secure his or her financial future.

 

About the Author:

Dana Eberle-Peay is a family attorney in New Albany, Indiana. After going through a tumultuous divorce in 2008, Dana dedicated her professional life to helping others in similar situations. She currently practices law at the McNeely Stephenson Law Offices of New Albany, Indiana.

Change is Never Easy, But it Can Be Easier

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s not just seasons changing in these parts.

The school where I’ve worked for the past five years has become swollen. Overripe and bursting with more kids than the building was designed to hold. And so it’s being cleaved and the excess is being funneled into a new school, opening next fall.

My first reaction when confronted with the reality was that I wanted everything to remain the same.

Because change is hard.

And it’s so much easier to just keep on keeping on.

But that’s not always (or even often) a choice.

So when decision time came, I elected to transfer allegiance to the new school.

And between the additional meetings, the multitude of unknowns, the additional curriculum burdens and the physical sorting and packing, it has not always been easy.

But change never is.

Here are some strategies that I’m using now that help to make this change a little easier:

Accept Change As Inevitable

Even when things stay the course, the course changes, as do the people on it. Some change is obvious, the sudden endings and the hard right turns of life. And other change, most change, is more subtle and slow. The fraction of a millimeter added to a child’s height. The replacement of tall grasses with short trees that eventually grow to shade out the growth below.

When the abrupt changes occur, we often resist, digging our heels in and skidding through the turn as though we can alter reality through an act of sheer stubbornness.

We may as well push down on our children’s heads in an attempt to halt their growth.

Change is normal.

Change is unavoidable.

We may as well get used to it.

Frame Change As an Adventure

How exciting! You get to try something new!

Not feeling it yet? Keep practicing. Watch your words. Rather than speaking negatively about your situation, work to frame it as an adventure. An experience. Yes, there will be trials and tribulations. That’s part of what makes it more exhilarating. Aren’t you lucky to have this opportunity for excitement!

Part of the adventure mindset is to view setbacks as problems to be solved rather than roadblocks in your way. Be creative. Be flexible. And remember to have some fun along the way.

Control What You Can

We all feel better when we have the impression that we are in control of our lives. Unfortunately, life does not always agree. When you’re faced with unwanted change, it’s easy to fall into a victim mindset, taking the approach that all of this is happening to you and that there’s nothing you can do.

It’s true you cannot stop the change. But it’s also true that you’re not completely helpless either. In the midst of upheaval, control what you can, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential. Simply recognizing that you have choice and acting upon those choices will go a long way to alleviating the fear and frustration that accompanies change.

What If It Is Your Circus and They Are Your Monkeys?

Create a “Worth It Because…” List

If you have chosen this change, you probably already have some idea of how it may benefit you down the road. If this change was thrust upon you, you’re probably drawing a blank as to the potential positives of the unwanted life renovation.

So figure them out. Step outside yourself and brainstorm some of the current and future reasons that this change is/will be worth it. You don’t have to like or agree with the change to uncover some of the positives. Some of these positive side effects may not be automatic. So put in the effort to make them happen.

The Upside of Betrayal

Piggyback On Your Change

You know that thing you’ve always intended to do but never quite got around to it? Now’s the time. You know that bucket list that has been collecting dust? Brush it off.

Change provides opportunities for more change. It’s harder to come up with excuses to avoid something new when new and different are everywhere you look. View this as a window of opportunity for you to bring to life some of the changes you have dreamt about.

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As for me, I am super excited about my upcoming change. It will push me. It will challenge me. Some days it will probably bring tears when overwhelm hits, but I’m confident that the effort will pay dividends. I’m thrilled to be part of building something new.

 

Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept the people need help at the beginning and end of life.

Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

But how do you get it? Finding the support you need can be challenging, especially when you’re likely facing time and money constraints. Here are 7 ways that you can find and create the support you need until you can stand on your own again.