It’s Not Alphabetical, But “Me” Comes Before “Marriage”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses.  Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being.  The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation.  Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?

Does Marriage Make Us Happy? Should It? | Psychology Today.

Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed.  We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another.  In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:

How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?

How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?

How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?

How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?

How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?

How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?

How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?

So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.

When You Are in a Major Life Remodel, You Can Choose the Color of the Curtains

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

Strategies to Deal With Every Phase of Major Life Changes – Oprah.com.

 

Strategies to Deal With Every Phase of Major Life Changes - Oprah.com

Dear Ms. Manners: The Etiquette of Bigamy

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Defenders of Marriage
Defenders of Marriage (Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)

Like most people, I never though much about bigamy.  If pressed on the issue, I would have mentioned Showtime’s Big Love, where one man has several wives and they operate as a single family.  When bigamy entered into my life, it was so absurd, so out there, that the only way that I could respond was with humor.  Because bigamy is not normally discussed in polite company, I had some issues arise that I wasn’t sure how to handle gracefully.

There was an 8 month period that the two of us were married to my ex.  During this time, I referred to her as, “my husband’s wife.” This was wordy and awkward, and caused eyebrows to furrow in confusion.  I needed a more direct and concise way to refer to her.  I propose (no, not THAT kind of propose!) that we create the term, “wife-in-law” or “husband-in-law” to describe a spouse’s new spouse.  Which I guess now makes her my ex-wife-in-law.  And, if they are divorced, my ex-ex-wife-in-law.  Damn. Wordy again.

Is it strange that I felt a bit slighted that I was not invited to their wedding?  My understanding is that it is rude  to invite one partner in a marriage and not the other to a co-ed event.  It would have been even funnier if the invitation was addressed in the formal manner: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Husband’s Name.  It could get a bit confusing.

As it was, I didn’t find out about the wedding until a few days after it occurred.  Then, I was left with the dilemma of a wedding gift.  Is one obligated to purchase a gift for a spouse’s wedding?  Or, did the fact that my paycheck purchase their wedding rings count as a gift?  Maybe a congratulations card?  Or, in this case, a condolence card to her?

You see, it all gets so confusing.

In all seriousness, I was glad to discover that he solidified the relationship with a felony.  Unlike many caught in the crazy world of divorce, where one partner lies and manipulates the system to try to harm the other, creating an endless he-said, she-said, I had proof that my husband lied.  I had irrefutable evidence of infidelity.  I had a mugshot and a felony charge to support my case.  I am thankful for all of that, but I am sorry that my ex-wife-in-law became another of his victims.  I hope that she, too, has learned lessons from her marriage.

I Can’t Carry a Boulder, But I Can Carry Pebbles

Posted on by stilllearning2b

and I know how to use a hammer.

Balanced Rock at Garden of the Gods park in Co...
Image via Wikipedia

Mindfulness is a Highlighter

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you turn your gaze when you receive a shot?  Dream of a tropical island while you are on the dentist’s chair?  Imagine walking on the beach while you are crushed into the seats in coach for a cross-country flight?  Our minds are so good at these little disconnections, these travels away from the current discomfort.  The problem is that, as with anything we repeatedly do, that mental disconnection can become a habit.

Deception Pass and Fidalgo Island
Deception Pass and Fidalgo Island (Photo credit: WorldIslandInfo.com)

When I take an honest look back at my life, I can see that I have, at times, become too dependent upon my mind’s ability to wander.  I had two years of teaching where I was completely miserable due to the circumstances at the school.  In order to cope, I distracted myself as much as possible.  I was not present in that classroom at all, although I still made connections with the kids and had test scores that proved they mastered the material.  I knew that I was unhappy with work, but when I realized how dependent I had become on disconnected, I knew that I had to make a change.  A drastic one.

Mindfulness is a highlighter.  Examine your own life.  When do you tend to engage in mental escape?  That is a clue that something about that environment, situation, or relationship may need to change because it is causing you pain.  Or, perhaps, you need to be honest with yourself about the discomfort and change your approach to it.  Regardless, mentally running away from any lasting situation will not be of benefit.  Bring your focus to the present and connect with what is causing you discomfort. As with studying a textbook, the highlighted areas are the ones that need more attention.