The Unbelievers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Search for “divorce” on Twitter, and you find countless posts like the following:

I don’t believe in divorce….when me and my partner have problems we will sit down, talk and work it out! Commitment for life

As though one can make divorce not real simply by pretending it doesn’t exist. I hate to break it to them, but divorce is kinda like gravity’s impact on an aging body; it exists whether you want to admit it or not.

I didn’t believe in divorce either. I believed in commitment. In working things out. In staying together. However, my husband did not feel the same way.

The problem with the Twitter quote above is that it completely neglects to acknowledge your partner’s view and actions, neither of which are under your jurisdiction.

You may not believe in divorce but if your partner stops believing in the marriage, you’ll change your mind real fast.

I try to remember that these statements are coming from ignorance and a lack of exposure. These are people who have not been touched by divorce. These are people that believe that promises made can never be broken. These are people who think that their wishes are strong enough to ward off any unwanted situations.

I both envy and pity them.

I was them.

I had that certainty, that confidence in my marriage. I believed that divorce couldn’t happen to me because I didn’t want it to. I didn’t realize that my husband had developed a different view. My certainty that it couldn’t happen to me meant that I was blindsided. I was betrayed, not only by my husband, but also by my beliefs.

I worry about those who believe that it can never happen to them. I hope they are right and they never face the pain of lives torn apart. However, I worry that many of them will realize that belief is not enough to hold a marriage together.

The most difficult aspect of any relationship is the acceptance that your partner is an individual with his or her own thoughts and actions. You cannot control them. You cannot change them. All you can do is love them and embrace them while being the best you can be.

Maybe instead of saying, “I don’t believe in divorce,” it should be, “I believe in doing everything possible on my side to ensure that we do not divorce and I hope that you can do the same.”

Now that’s something I can believe in.

Expiration

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Next week, I will meet 120 strangers. They won’t remain strangers for long. I’ll soon learn their names (okay, maybe “soon” isn’t the right word…this seems to take longer and longer every year!). I’ll discover their likes and dislikes, their celebrity crushes (please no Bieber this year!) and their favorite clothing brands. I’ll hear about their summers, their siblings, their pets and their families. I’ll figure out who needs to be pushed and who needs extra TLC.

These kids will be in my life for 180 days. Most of them, I will never see again after May. These are relationships with an expiration date. Before I ever meet them, I know when the connection will end.

There is an urgency to teaching. I have around 160 hours (once you subtract out testing days) with each of these students. In that time, I have to teach them the 8th grade math as well as remediate any gaps from prior years. I have to improve their reading and writing abilities. I have to help them mature and grow as students and as people. I have to form relationships, as that is the single best way to motivate a middle schooler. I seek to teach them the importance of perseverance and of failure. I want to inspire them to make healthy choices and to become role models themselves. I want to be remembered, not as their favorite teacher, but as the one that pushed them and helped them realize their potential.

Every moment has an importance with that expiration date on the horizon.

On the flip side, when they are driving me crazy (shocking, I know, but middle schoolers can be trying at times!), I remember that it is temporary. The child who constantly argues or interrupts will be gone from my room before I know it.

The expiration date minimizes the impact of those negative moments.

When I entered my first marriage, I saw it as a relationship with no expiration date. We were young and it seemed like our time together would stretch on forever. Moments passed without importance because we were sure there would be many more on the horizon. Only when the marriage unexpectedly spoiled, did I realize that there were wasted times that slipped through.

With my soon to be second marriage, I know that it has an end. I hope that the end is far in the future, but there is no way to be certain. We’re older and more aware of the end of life and of the illnesses that can strike out of nowhere. I am more aware that marriages can falter even without intent. I no longer count on those untold years in some imagined future, as they may never materialize.

I treat my relationship now as though it has an expiration date. I savor each wonderful moment and don’t fixate on the frustrating ones. I know I have a limited time and I want to make the most of it. Only in this case, I’m not worried about teaching math concepts:)

And for today, making the most of it means taking a family hike before the craziness of a new school year, a move and a wedding. I’m not at the precipice anymore; I’m taking the plunge!

 

 

Lessons From the Beginning

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of my Twitter followers asked me if I was going to rename my blog, Lessons From the Beginning of a Remarriage now that I am going to be married again. She continued by noting how it had to be strange promoting a book about divorce while I was preparing to wed. I love the idea and the nature of the title, but the name of this blog will not be changing.

When I first found myself suddenly single, I looked online for support. I found two broad types of divorce blogs and support groups: those populated by people in the thick of the shock and pain (hereby dubbed “the purgers”) and those run by people who kept the pain at a distance (“the sanitizers”). I identified with the purgers; after all, I had plenty of anger and sadness to share myself at that time (I could kvetch with the best of them!) . However, I also recognized that spending time sharing sob stories would not help me heal. So I moved on. The sanitizers made me ill in those early months. They made divorce seem like something entirely rational or they chose to take a Pollyanna stance, making it out to be all sunshine and roses (How to Throw a Great Divorce Party!). They had some good points, but I couldn’t relate and I wasn’t willing to listen since I didn’t believe they had ever felt my pain.

I chose not to share my story until I was past the worst of it. My intent from the beginning was to help people and I needed to make sure my own oxygen mask was securely fastened before I attempted to aid others. At the same time, I knew I didn’t want to be a sanitizer. I may not have felt the pain myself anymore (true at least most of the time), but I certainly hadn’t forgotten its sting. I write about the early pain so those who are there don’t feel alone and those who are healing know that I understand the anguish. I write about the healing process to give support and assistance for those who are struggling. Finally, I write about dating and remarriage to give hope to all.

My topics of choice have naturally evolved as I’ve moved on. I no longer talk as much about my personal divorce experience and I bring in more about love after divorce. That’s natural and I have to believe that the blog, like me, will continue to evolve. At this point, there is a divide between my blog and my life. I still write about divorce yet I rarely think or talk about it in my daily life. It’s really not that different than the math I teach. Even though I may solve equations all day at work, I do not bring them home with me (even though my students seem to think I do math all evening for fun!).

(There are exceptions. For example, just today, my coworker mentioned that many of our students this coming year are in single parent homes. She knew I was divorced but didn’t know any of the story. She said she had a hard time understanding why someone would divorce, especially with children in the picture. She is coming from her experience where divorce is very rare. I shared with her my story and some of the stories that have been shared with me. By the time we parted, I think she had more understanding and compassion as well as a little insecurity when she realized that no marriage is divorce-proof.)

It is strange sometimes writing about divorce while a wedding contract sits beside my computer. But it’s strange, not bad. On a personal level, I can still learn from looking back at my own experiences and hearing about those of my readers. Even more importantly, I want to show other people that you can laugh again after crying, trust again after betrayal and love again after divorce.

I will still write about divorce from the perspective of someone who has been there and moved on. After all, for every ending, there is a new beginning. Maybe the most appropriate title for the blog would be, Lessons From the End of a Marriage, the Middle of Healing and the Beginning of a Remarriage. But that would be one hell of a URL! 🙂

I Do Again: Remarriage Advice

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s quite funny. I’ve been engaged for a year but for some reason, many of my coworkers only realized that I was getting married soon after the following picture made it on Facebook:

photo-75

 

There is something about a picture (and the word “bride” by my face!) that makes it real. I feel very comfortable about the decision to marry again. It has been deliberate and each step towards commitment has been intentional.

I found this article, Ten Tips For Those Considering Remarriage, on Psychology Today. It’s good advice and helps you make sure that you’re thinking with your head as well as your heart (or your fear!) as you make the decision to remarry. Even if you feel that remarriage is well in your future (or you don’t think you’ll ever venture down the aisle again), it’s a good checklist to help you take inventory of your current emotional health and relationships.

 

Reunited (And It Feels So Good)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This has been quite a couple weeks for reuniting with old friends. Facebook may drive me crazy sometimes (like yesterday, when it suggested I “like” a mommy makeover page. Umm…What makes you think I’m a mommy and why do you think I need a makeover?) but it cannot be beat for locating (or being located, in this case!) old friends. Three old friends, from three different times in my life, all found me within the past week.

These connections are extremely special to me, as I am not in contact with many people from my childhood. After I had 13 friends die throughout high school, I pulled back from the rest of friends after graduation. I simply couldn’t handle losing anyone else. The move across the country when I was 21 only cemented that distance. As a result, the only people in my life are either family or those I met after high school.

Until last week.

One lived just down the street from me and we became friends when I was barely out of diapers. I have great memories of us being artsy and craftsy. We shared an obsession with Annie (I seem to recall arguing over who got to wear the red, curly wig). She moved right about when I started Kindergarten, so we never attended the same schools. Even then, we remained friends throughout childhood. It turns out that she also became a teacher, has a passion for travel and has also ended up divorced. She is also the only one of the three who is also childless. Since she is currently out of the country, we have been catching up via our respective blogs.

The next to find me was the ex boyfriend I mentioned in Serendipity.  Where the first friend represents my early childhood for me, this one symbolizes that oh-so interesting period in adolescence when you start to find independence and develop yourself as an individual. Reconnecting with him has brought to surface those memories of myself as a young and unsure adult. It’s pretty funny to look back at myself then… Interestingly, he is the only one of the three that has remained married.

The most recent just found me yesterday. We met in elementary school and remained friends until I moved, but we were at our closest in middle school. This is the friend who knew me through that awkwardness of 7th grade and the panic-inducing first kisses. We spent countless nights at each other’s homes, listening to Motley Crue and analyzing the boys at school. In a small world coincidence, she now lives with her family in the same neighborhood as my mom (I wish I had known this when I visited last month!!). She is divorced and remarried with a young (and adorable) son. Of the three, she was the only one who knew my ex. After she learned the story from the blog, she now wants to join the line of those who want to kill him. She is one of the very few people who knew me before him, during that relationship and now I get to know her again after. That’s pretty special.

In my post on the types of friends you need during divorce, I mentioned the importance of the ones who knew you before.  I may not be in the middle of divorce anymore, but I still appreciate those who knew me before.

I am so grateful to have these three friends back in my life. I am thrilled that the wall between my childhood and adulthood has been breached. All three were all special to me and I have thought of each of them often. It’s interesting to discover the similarities in our stories and the paths that we have all chosen. I am so excited to get to know them now as adults. I think I’ll pass on the red Annie wig, though:)

And tomorrow is a reuniting of a different sort as I begin the new school year. Looking forward to seeing all my lovely coworkers but I am going to miss these leisurely lunches with no kids!

Happy summer ya’ll (what can I say, I’ve gotten back in touch with my Texas roots) and good luck for those of you also beginning the new school year:)