Going “No Contact” – Signs That It’s Needed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you recently endured a breakup or divorce and you’re wondering if going “no contact” with your ex is the right decision for you? Here’s what to consider:

 

There is a History of Manipulation or Abuse

At its core, abuse is about power and control. Especially if your ex was gaslighting you or was emotionally abusive, it is critical that you get distance from them in order to begin to heal from their manipulations. When you maintain contact before you have an opportunity to find your strength and learn to listen to your inner voice, it’s too easy to again fall victim of their crazy-making influence.

This can be a very difficult separation; when there is emotional abuse, you have often been led to believe that you cannot live without them. Which is exactly why you need to prove to yourself that you can.

 

The Relationship Has a Pattern of Cycling

When it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it’s terrible. If you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship that keeps running through the same cycles, it may be time to take a break. A real one.

When you know that they are just out of reach, it’s too easy to close that gap whenever you’re feeling sad or lonely. The problem becomes telling the difference between taking them back because you want them and taking them back because you don’t want to be alone. One of the best ways to tell the difference is to remove them from your life for an extended period of time (enough time for the initial sadness and isolation to pass) to see if you really miss them.

 

You Find Yourself Obsessing About Your Ex

If you feel powerless to control your thoughts – or your behaviors – around your ex, it can be a sign that you need a complete and total removal. Think of it like keeping ice cream out of the house when you’re trying to lose weight.

One of the more common ways that this obsession manifests is through social media. Are you constantly checking up on your ex’s posts and profile? Are you scanning their pictures looking for signs that they miss you or that they have a new crush? It is impossible for you to move forward if you’re putting this much energy into your past.

 

You Experience Anxiety Around Contact (Or the Thought of Contact) With Your Ex

Are you nervous at the thought of speaking with or seeing your ex? Does the sight of their name on your phone cause your stomach to plummet and your heart to race? If they are still able to trigger this much emotion in you, it can be a sign that you need some time to disconnect and recenter before you consider contact.

 

You Feel Regret After Contact

Do you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you’re feeling low and then you regret it soon after? Maybe you’re hoping that they’ve changed and their harsh or dismissive words have wounded you all over again. Or, perhaps you were looking for a closing conversation and instead, you find yourself on the receiving end of an angry rant.

Regardless, listen to your emotions. If you’re feeling regret, it’s a sign that you’re doing something that isn’t right for you.

 

Your Ex Takes Up a Lot of Mental Space

Is your ex out of your physical life but still living in your headspace? This is a sign that you may need to cut off all contact in order to complete the eviction. We only have so much energy. When you’re electing to spend a majority of it on your ex, it means that you’re neglecting other areas of your life. Remember – whatever you nurture, grows.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

Going “No Contact” – Why is it So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve decided that you should go “no contact” with your ex, but you’re finding that it’s much harder than you anticipated to cut off all contact. Why is it so difficult to go “no contact” after a divorce or breakup?

 

This Person Was an Integral Part of Your Daily Life

Just weeks ago, this person was listed as your emergency contact. When you had a rough day, this was the person you turned to for comfort and understanding. They were the first call you made when you received important news and the first person you thought of when contemplating making a major change.

And now, you’re trying to pretend that they no longer exist.

It’s no wonder that it’s hard to cut off all contact. It’s as foreign and uncomfortable as losing an arm. Only in this case, it’s your heart that feels like it’s been removed. It feels so wrong to know that they’re out there and yet acting as though they are dead to you.

You Fear Being Forgotten

Even worse than seeing them as dead to you, is wondering if they no longer think of you at all. You reach out, not so much because you want to speak to them, but because you want to know that they are missing you.

After being a team for so long, it’s disconcerting to contemplate your former partner moving on without you. You want to be remembered. You’re desperate to know that you were important to them. And you’re afraid that if you fade into the background, that your legacy will as well.

 

Contact Has Become a Habit

It’s no wonder that we refer to love as a drug and we describe the early stages as a rush – love is addictive. And that’s even more true on the downslope of love. When we receive the alert of an incoming message from them, it sends a little rewarding shot of dopamine to our brain. And this is especially true when the contact is intermittent or unexpected.

Even a heart-wrenching glimpse of them with a new partner on social media provides a little chemical reward. And so even when there are negative consequences, we keep going back. Often without even putting much thought into it. Contact has become less of an intention and more of a habit.

 

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Or, at least it makes the brain more forgetful. When we’re away from someone, the memories become fuzzy. The reasons that the relationship ended no longer see so important or so terrible and the positive recollections rise to the surface.

Doubt may begin to creep in – “Was this really the right decision?” “Did I make a mistake?” So you reach out in order to test the choice of ending the relationship.

 

We Believe Our Personal Narrative

Maybe you told yourself that this person was “the one.” Or, you’ve created a story to excuse their years of bad behavior. Regardless, it’s easy to become so immersed in our own story that we neglect to account for the facts that are in front of us.

When there is dissonance between our beliefs and our actions, we can experience intense discomfort.

 

There May Be Residual Guilt or Regret

If you ended the relationship, you may be feeling guilty for creating pain for your former partner. Perhaps you’re reaching out in an attempt to soften their discomfort and to alleviate your guilt.

Additionally, if you’re experiencing feeling of regret for things you said in the relationship or for the way you behaved, you may be initiating contact to try to explain yourself or to get another chance at making it work.

 

The Drive to Fill the Void is Powerful

The emptiness left at the end of a relationship is as gaping, tender and strange as the hole left from a pulled tooth. And the desire to immediately fill that void is strong. It’s natural to reach out to someone where there is already that shared intimacy and that history.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

 

Going “No Contact” – Understanding No Contact

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No Contact is NOT –

 

Ghosting

Ghosting is an act of cowardice and cruelty. It is ending a relationship without having the difficult conversations and refusing to give the other person a chance to respond.

In contrast, no contact is an act of self-care and boundaries. It occurs after the relationship ends and the difficult conversations have been had. No contact says, “For my own well-being, I cannot have you in my life.”

 

A Statement That You Never Loved Them

You can love someone and also understand that they are not good for you (or that you are not good together). The decision to remove someone from your life does not discount the feelings that existed or even still exist. It’s an act of self-preservation. Consider if you developed a sudden and sever allergy to your favorite food. You would have to remove it from your diet, but that wouldn’t mean that it was never your preferred meal in the past.

 

Removing the Memories

You can eliminate the reality of the person and still treasure some of the memories. In fact, when the stress of contact is gone, you may even find it easier to remember the good times without so much pain, confusion and conflict.

No Contact IS –

 

Recognizing – And Asking For – What You Need

There is nothing wrong with asking for what you need. It is okay for you to make the decision to eliminate some people from your life. This decision is about you and what you need to be healthy.

 

Making a Decision to Change

Perhaps you’ve been in an on-again, off-again cycle in your relationship and you’re exhausted. Or, maybe you’ve had a history of allowing your ex to intrude and to take care of them instead of letting them figure it out themselves. No contact is a promise to yourself. It’s you putting your foot down and making the decision to do things differently.

 

A Sign of Respect and Acceptance

This decision is a sign of acceptance that the relationship is over and it’s a sign of respect to let it go.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Going “No Contact” – Strategies to Make it Work

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So you’ve decided that going no contact is the right decision for you. And now you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to make it work. Here are some suggestions –

 

Make Contact More Difficult

Delete their number from your phone and remove their email from your contacts. If you tend to reach out at a certain time of day, make an effort to be occupied or unavailable during that time. If evening are your downfall, shut down your phone and leave it out of reach. Do whatever you can to make contacting them a conscious and deliberate move, rather than one made out of reflex or habit.

 

Appoint an Accountability Buddy

Tell a trusted friend or family member about your intentions and ask them to help hold you accountable. If they are okay with it, ask if you can contact them whenever you’re tempted to reach out to your ex. Sometimes just letting someone know helps to keep you strong when you’re feeling weaker.

 

Deal With Your Social Media Accounts

Social media is wonderful when we want to stay in touch and informed but horrific when we’re trying to sever ties. Delete their profile, unfriend them or block them from all accounts. If you’re still finding that you look them up, consider disabling your account for a time until you’re feeling more able to resist the urge. Your peace of mind is more important that keeping up with the silly cat meme of the day.

 

Use Visual Reminders

I had a note on my computer for months. It simply said, “Don’t even think about it.” That note was a visual reminder of my intention posted right where I faced the greatest temptation. Consider changing your lock screen or your wallpaper to something that is a reminder about your decision. Consider the times and locations when you want to initiate contact and put a visual reminder in those places.

 

Remind Yourself Why You Made This Decision

We tend to reach out when we’re doubting our decision to end the relationship. So to counteract that doubt, craft a list of all the reasons that this was the right decision for you. Keep that list handy and refer to it whenever you’re considering making contact.

 

Find Something Else to Occupy Your Mind

If you’re busy and engaged, you won’t have the time or energy to consider making contact. This is a great time to throw yourself into a new project or to work towards a goal. My personal favorite? Do something with a finish line.

 

If You Have Children With Them…

There are times when no contact would be the best decision but the presence of children makes that an impossibility. In these cases, creating and maintaining boundaries is of the utmost importance. Decide how much and what kind of contact you must have for the sake of the children. Attempt to limit contact to those methods only. If your ex is manipulative or abusive, email may be your best option as it provides a record and is less intrusive than texting.

Be very clear that the only communication will be about the children. Refrain from responding to messages that intend to provoke an emotional response. If your ex refuses to follow your guidelines, consider mediation. Sometimes they listen better when the request comes from someone else.

And if it’s still awful? Start a countdown calendar until the day your youngest turns eighteen.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

Marking the Occasion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been quite the month for marking significant events.

Marking the End

My stepfather’s mother passed away last spring and her memorial was earlier this month. It was a sad death, as loss always is, but not a tragic one. She lived a long and meaningful life and this gathering was a wonderful time to both celebrate her memory and to create connections among those who knew her.

It was a beautiful service, anchored by a slideshow that told the story of her long life and of her legacy. Carefully curated songs spoke both of her passion for the arts and of her love of beauty. It was again confirmed that I am physically incapable of hearing Amazing Grace without tearing up.

Young children were present at the memorial, a poignant reminder that life goes on. That endings are always followed by beginnings. And, as stories and pictures were passed down to the younger generations,  that the past leaves an imprint going forward.

 

Marking the Transition

Over a decade ago, my husband met a young kid in the dojo. He was first a karate student who then took up jiu jitsu as soon as he was deemed old enough. This boy grew up in the dojo, eventually becoming a young man who earned the respect of his elders both on and off the mat.

He leaves today for adulthood, trading in his childhood home for an immersive language program overseas. We gathered last weekend – his biological family and his martial arts one – to celebrate his accomplishments and to say goodbye for now.

His parents were proud of their son, who is an amazing kid. They were excited about reclaiming their space, as it’s not easy to live with a young adult who is busting at the seams. And they were sad, feeling the loss of the presence of their only child as he begins his independent life. It was a reminder that all changes have both blessings and struggles and that transition, even when it’s expected and positive, can be hard.

 

Marking a Milestone

This month also marks my fifth wedding anniversary. This one feels especially significant to me. First, it’s now half the length of my first marriage. That somehow holds weight to me. It’s no longer “new.” It’s solid and real.

It’s also been our best year together. We’ve really worked hard at learning and growing and having the difficult conversations. I feel like we’ve navigated some rocky roads and grown closer and more understanding through the process.

In my first marriage, we never marked anniversaries. In this marriage, we do. This weekend, we will again spend a night – for the fourth time – in a swanky hotel downtown. A shared evening without distractions to celebrate us. It’s a reminder that relationships are important and need both attention and intention to thrive.