10 Things Your Decision to Stay Single Says About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“Single is not a status. It is a word that best describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

1 – You’re Independent

You got this! You don’t need somebody to hold your hand every step along the way. You know your strengths and you know how to use them.

2 – You Know What You Want in Life

You have goals. Ambitions. And you refuse to let anybody or anything get in your way.

3 – You Trust in Your Capabilities

You’ve been through a lot and it’s built up your skill and confidence. You trust in your ability to make it through just about anything.

4 – You’re Not Afraid of Adventure

You take risks, even if they’re calculated ones. You’re not afraid of taking the road less traveled with only yourself as a guide.

5 – You Value Relationships

You don’t believe that marriage is the only relationship in life. You treasure your relationships with friends and family and you’re loyal to those you love.

6 – You Don’t Listen to “Shoulds”

You know that you’re bucking society’s ideas about how to live your life. And you don’t care. You live life on your terms, not somebody else’s.

7 – You’re Honest With Yourself

You’re not afraid to confront your reality and your own strengths and weaknesses. You know that you’re a complete package of one and you’re okay with that.

8 – You’re Courageous

In a society built around couplehood, you’re brave enough to stand alone. You can’t hide behind anybody else, so you get quite good at facing your fears.

9 – You Accept Responsibility For Your Own Happiness

When things are bad, you only have yourself to look at. And to make things better, you only have yourself to turn to. You know that only you can control your well-being.

10 – You Don’t Believe That Love is “One Size Fits All”

You know that love comes into our lives in many guises. Some stay, some flow through leaving only a whisper. You embrace them as they come and release them as they go.

Make sure to also read 10 Things Your Decision to Get Remarried Says About You!

10 Things Your Decision to Get Remarried Says About You

Posted on by stilllearning2b
“A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
 
Samuel Johnson
1 – You’re Optimistic
You’ve been there, done that. And yet you stubbornly believe that it can go better this time. You don’t allow past experience to poison your hope for the future.
2 – You’re Courageous
You’ve made the decision to put your heart on the line again. You know you’re taking a chance and you believe the risk is worth it.
3 – You Trust Yourself
You have faith not only in your choice of mate, but in your ability to navigate through rocky marital waters. Furthermore, you trust that you’ll be okay no matter what happens.
4 – You Don’t Give In To Failure
You got knocked down, but you got up again. You see failure as an opportunity, not a death sentence.
5 – You Know When to Walk Away
You’ve now seen all sides of a marriage and you have a better grasp on when to try harder and when to walk away. You’re more confident in your choices.
6 – You Refuse to Let One Event Define You
You have been though divorce but you don’t see yourself as the divorce. It was simply one chapter of your life’s path. And one chapter doesn’t limit the next one.
7 – You Believe That You Can Have More Than One Love
You’re not limited by the idea of a single “soulmate.” You believe that life can bring with it more than one true love. And that the second one can be even better than the first.
8 – You’ve (Hopefully) Learned From Experience
You have faced the mistakes you made in your first marriage and you have addressed the issues that you struggle with. You’re now applying this wisdom.
9 – You’re Not Afraid of Hard Work
You know that marriages, especially second marriages, require continuous (and often uncomfortable) effort. And that doesn’t scare you. You’re ready to put your gloves on.
10 – You’re Adaptable and Don’t Fear Change
From single to married to single to married, you’ve made many changes. You’re flexible and willing to adapt in order to have the relationship you want.
Be sure to also read 10 Things Your Decision to Stay Single Says About You!

Is Love Worth the Risk?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This piece – Will I Ever Trust Again? – is making the Facebook rounds. The responses to the question? “Nope.” “Never.” “Unfortunately, no.” The comments garnered share a common theme, that the potential benefits of trusting again are not worth the inevitable risk.

And trusting again after betrayal is a risk. Loving again after loss invites insecurity. You can approach it like an actuary, performing calculations of risk assessment to determine the prudent course of action.

I completely understand that urge. In fact, it’s my natural tendency to analyze these things and behave in a way to mitigate risk (case in point – I struggle to even play a nickel slot machine).

But when it comes to trust, to love, I’ve made the decision to approach it in a manner contrary to my inclination.

And it’s all because of watching one woman who loves without limits or qualifiers.

My friend, Sarah, was the one who took me in after my marriage imploded. She and her husband had just brought home an adopted baby – sick and premature – and yet there was no hesitation to let me in.

And I’m watching her in complete admiration now, almost 8 years later, as she navigates the adoption process again.

The baby this time is even more premature than her first, living in a NICU an entire state away. Nothing is certain right now. The adoption process is not finalized and his health, as with most NICU babies, is a rollercoaster of stats and emotions.

But none of that enters into Sarah’s calculations. In the pictures she sends me of this tiny and fragile body nestled against her chest, you can see the unbridled love in her face. This is her child. She is in love. No limits. No walls.

Yes, it’s a risk. Yet in her mind, it’s also not a choice. She understands that love is not something that can be analyzed and controlled. You either submit to it or you don’t experience it.

She didn’t know it, but she was mentor in this that year I lived with her. She had taken a similar risk with her first child, now a happy and healthy 7-year-old. Hell, she took a risk with me, allowing someone in crisis to enter her home and her family and such a critical time.

And during those months, when all I wanted was for the pain to go away and to seal the doors against any possibility of it returning, I watched her. And I began to understand that I had a choice to make.

I could refuse to take that risk. To never again place my faith in someone else. To never again allow someone unfettered access to my heart. It would certainly prevent that pain from ever visiting again.

And then I would see Sarah with her daughter. The rewards that come from taking that risk.

And I knew that I wanted to take that risk again.

I don’t know that I won’t be betrayed again. Gutted again.

But I do know that if I didn’t take the risk, that I would have never felt love again.

And in this case,  I’d rather take a risk than a guarantee.

 

 

 

Steps For Breaking Out of a Negative Feedback Loop

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a tough few months for me. Professionally. Physically. And even and especially personally.

The kind of tough where the tears have come hard and frequent. The kind of tough where long nights have led to longer days. The kind of tough where I want to open up yet I’m afraid of breaking down. The kind of tough that calls on me to put in action all that I’ve learned over the past several years.

I’m not ready to write about much of it. And in truth, I may never choose to share much of the past few months. But I’ve also done quite a bit of thinking and now that some of the pressures are lifting, I’m ready to share some of those thoughts.

One of the hardest things in a relationship – any relationship – is to learn that you have been unintentionally bringing pain to another. It’s much easier to do than we realize. Patterns emerge, habits develop and we react instinctively instead of consciously. Inadvertently contributing to and feeding off of a negative feedback loop. A Möbius strip of unhappiness with no identifiable beginning and no end in sight.

As with any loop, inaction is an acceptance of the unchanging path. In order to change the pattern, steps – often painful and frightening – must be taken in order to sever the noose of negativity and to breathe in fresh air.

Recognize the Pattern

As with so many challenges in life, this first step is often the hardest. When we’re lost in the forest, we see the trees rather than the trail. Signs of a negative feedback loop include a sense of tension, a general uptick in criticism, positive bids for attention going unrecognized and a feeling of gears being misaligned.

Confront the Feedback Loop

This takes courage. Lots of courage. It requires a willingness to be vulnerable. A committment to speaking uncomfortable truths and being ready to listen to the same. It’s a balance of refusing to shy away from the difficult conversations and at the same time, striving to release any defensiveness that arises out of fear.

Be Open and Honest

This isn’t a time to bite your tongue. Those thoughts you hold back will fester and poison. But speak carefully with an intent to inform rather than a mission to destroy. Question your conclusions about yourself and others and be willing to consider alternatives to your assumptions. Conviction that you’re right helped get you into this place so replace it with inquiry and an unbiased mind.

Own Your Part

We judge others by their actions and yet we judge ourselves by our intentions. Regardless of the motivation behind your words and actions, listen to how they are received and be willing to make adjustments. Own your part of the contribution to the negative feedback loop and take responsibility for doing what you can to interrupt the cycle.

Seek Understanding

Assume nothing. Ask everything. Strive to see the big picture, understand the connections. It will be a process. A messy one. But a worthwhile one in the end. Because in order to untangle the cords keeping you stuck, you have to first see how they are intertwined.

Forgo Blame

This process is painful. Exquisitely so. And it’s easy and tempting and relieving to point fingers and offload blame. Easy and also pointless. Responsibility for getting into this place lies with both parties, so blame simply cancels out blame. And blaming becomes its own cycle, a viscous and ugly hold. This also extends to self-blame. Wallowing in guilt gets you nowhere. Learn backwards, focus forwards.

Step Back

Sometimes you have to take some steps backward before you’re ready to move forward again. Too much, too soon puts too much pressure and can easily overrun the new pathways before they’re fully formed. Rather than running over, try starting over.

Take Action

Staying in a loop requires nothing. Getting out requires effort. Intention. Action. Each person has to put in the work, both individually and collectively. Hold each other accountable. Hold yourself accountable. Change isn’t easy.

Stay Positive

Facing hard truths isn’t easy. Considering an uncertain future is terrifying. And letting that hurt and fear overwhelm you will ultimately destroy your chances of successfully moving past this point. Do what you can – do everything you can – to stay positive and optimistic.

Take Care of Yourself

Step up your self-care game. From nutrition, to sleep to social time, make an effort to address all areas of wellness. When one area is out of whack, it can be helpful to fortify the others so that they can help support you. And right now, you’re emotionally depleted. So feed your heart and soul in healthy ways.

Focus on Language

Be aware of how the other person hears and receives caring and loving thoughts. Make an extended effort to “speak” in the language that they hear. Both of you are fragile right now. Take care.

Be Patient

It takes time to build and settle into a negative feedback loop. Accept that it will take time to disassemble it as well. Be patient yet persistant.

Remember That You’re On the Same Side

Both of you want to be heard. To feel safe. And to feel loved. You want the same things even if you need them in different ways.

And remember that sometimes what we think of as the worst actually turns out to be the best thing to happen to us.

Even though these months have been hard, I’m proud of myself. I’m coming from a place of now, not reacting from the wounds of the past. I’m scared, but I’m facing my fears instead of pretending they’re not there. And I’m confident that I’ll be okay no matter what the future holds.

5 Warning Signs You’re Sliding Unintentionally Into an Emotional Affair

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Some infidelity is easy to spot. The inhibitions fall away with the clothes and the couple is doing things they wouldn’t want to be caught doing.

But other behaviors are much more nuanced and difficult to identify as potentially (and usually unintentionally) sliding into an emotional affair.

Here are 5 warning signs that “we’re just friends” is heading into dangerous waters:

You’re keeping things from your spouse. Not big things, not yet. It’s the omission of small facts that aren’t really a big deal, but for some reason you’d rather your spouse not find out. Over time, those lies of omission become lies of manipulation. Stop them early.

You tell this friend things you don’t tell your spouse or they get the big news first. This doesn’t mean you have to tell your spouse everything, but they certainly deserve to know anything of significance in your life. This can be especially tricky to navigate when you have an intense job that encourages strong coworker bonds (just think of the relationships on those doctor shows!) or you have an outside passion that you share with others. Your spouse may never really “get it” in the way those that also experience it do, but you owe it to them to not exclude them from your life.

Your spouse is feeling insecure. If you’re watering the wrong grass and focusing more energy outside than marriage than in, your partner will pick up on it, even if they’re not consciously aware. And this usually results in a feeling of insecurity. That’s a sign you should pay attention to.

There’s an excitement you feel with this person that you don’t feel with your other friends. That increased energy is a sign that you don’t see this person as simply “just a friend.” It’s a signal of increased interest that can breed an emotional intimacy that could threaten your marriage. It feels good now. But are the possible consequences worth it?

You experience disproportionate guilt. You shouldn’t feel guilty for meeting a friend for coffee. So if do, it’s a sign that this meeting possibly means more to you than just a chance to catch up. Guilt is your internal warning system. It’s usually best to listen.

Does any of this sound familiar? Here’s how you can stop the slide and regain your control.