Why It’s Important to Listen to Those You Disagree With

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My morning newsfeed consists of selected story types from selected publications. I then listen to one of my chosen radio stations in my car on my way to work and, if I don’t like what they’re saying, I have the option to switch to a prerecorded podcast on the topic (and perspective) of my choosing. If I decide I want more information about a breaking story, I can select the channel or website I visit to learn more, giving priority to those that align with my view. On Facebook and Twitter, I can elect to block messages from people whose perspective varies too much from my own or to simply select friends with common viewpoints.

The current media environment is in many ways wonderful. You no longer need a journalism degree or a famous last name to have your voice heard. The interactive nature allows for dialog and discussion instead of a one-way torrent of information. And the broad nature of information gathering prevents only one perspective from being gathered.

However, there is a downside to modern media. Because we have so much choice, we tend to choose voices that agree with what we have already decided to be true. And although it feels good to be validated, there is true value in listening to those you disagree with.

We develop empathy not from occupying on our shoes, but from trying on the shoes of others. When you essentially hear your own story being told time and time again, you fail to see things from another perspective. To try on another viewpoint. It’s easy to say something or somebody is “wrong” when viewed from a distant and macro perspective, but once a human face and story has been associated with it, you begin to feel more empathy for their situation, even if you still do not agree.

We develop our own ethics and beliefs not in isolation, but by considering all sides of a thing. It’s easy to conclude that a cube is green if you only view one side. Yet, once you see all sides and their hues, you then have to provide a convincing argument if you want to claim that the cube is green. Listening to opposition takes courage; you find your own ideas threatened. Yet, whatever conclusion you reach will be better and more solid for the discourse.

Listening to one side promotes “us vs them” thinking along arbitrary lines. It’s natural to classify something unfamiliar as a threat; we have evolved to see danger in strangeness. However, when we limit our surrounding only to what is comfortable, we risk viewing people as “them” when the reality is that they are really on the same side of a bigger issue, just maybe seeing it a different way. When we invite them to talk and we open ourselves to listen, we often discover similarities and realize that it’s more, “us vs something else.”

Minds are like a muscle, if we don’t use them, they become weak and inflexible. Listening to something you agree with does not challenge your brain whereas, trying to process and assimilate new information asks your brain to step it up. Look at it as the difference between practicing addition and learning to perform calculus. It’s easier to stay closed, but more rewarding to do the work to create an opening and questioning mind.

When you engage respectfully with people you disagree with, you learn to regulate your emotional response. I’m all for sensitivity, but I’m also for personal responsibility. It’s your job to learn to hear things you may find offensive or short-sighted and keep your emotional response in check. I’m not saying you can’t disagree, but I’m also saying you can’t expect others to tiptoe around your beliefs.

Listening to other viewpoints keeps your ego in check. You’re not right about everything. Nobody is. Yet if you live in an echo chamber of beliefs, you can start to believe that your perspective is somehow the “right” one and the other people are simply idiots for feeling the way they do. Be brave enough to question and even revise your own conclusions.

When you listen to people who disagree with you, you begin to develop an appreciation for our differences and you gain tolerance for those who have different beliefs. Even though I don’t understand how some people think, I’m glad we don’t all think the same. The world and our place in it is much richer for our differences.

My challenge for you today – listen to one station or podcast, watch one show or read one article that comes from a perspective different than your own. Rather than approach from a mindset of proving yourself right, undertake the exercise with a curious mind – “What can I learn today by listening to somebody who doesn’t agree with me?”

The Five Most Important Characteristics For a Successful Marriage (or Remarriage)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
successful marriage

When it comes to looking for a partner, we are not all looking for the same things. Some gravitate towards outward beauty while others are more concerned with what is inside. Some prefer creative types and some fall for the pragmatic. One person’s tall drink of water is another person’s cold shower.

And that’s okay.

Yet even though we are all drawn to different people and attracted by different traits, there are five characteristics that are so critical that we not only should seek them out in others, we should also learn to cultivate them in ourselves and nurture them in our relationships.

These five characteristics form the basis for a successful marriage or remarriage:

Curiosity

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Curiosity replaces judgment with wonder, assumptions with observations. When you’re curious about your partner, you ask before you reach conclusions and you listen to the responses with an open mind. When you’re curious about your world, you take in more and react less. Curiosity keeps you open and flexible, interested and interesting. It replaces the fear of uncertainty with the marvel of “what if?”

Adaptability

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The relationship you have today will not be the same one you have next year. There will be different pressures, some lifted and some replaced. Your perspective will be altered, your mood perhaps as well. And in order for a relationship to navigate these changes, it must be adaptable and flexible. A marriage formed by interconnected moving parts that change and bend to the surrounding terrain instead of insisting upon a fixed rigidity. It’s easy to see responding to change as weak, when really it’s the adaptable who survive.

Responsibility

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In a happy partnership, each person owns their own stuff. They’re not looking for a savior or for somebody to heal their past wounds. They are willing to admit what is theirs to carry and they learn how to shoulder their own load. When challenges come, they respond with rationality and ingenuity instead of blame or defensiveness. And they also don’t rely on their partners for the good times, understanding that their happiness is their own responsibility.

Hilarity

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It’s just life. Nobody makes it out alive, so you may as well enjoy the journey. Seek out a partner that knows how to laugh. That can find the humor in the darkest of places and is able to share that light with others. Humor is an antidote for tedium, a balm for sadness and an extinguisher of frustration. Apply it liberally and often.

Tenacity

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There will be hard days. There will be days that you wonder if it’s worth it. Days when you question your own spouse and your own judgment. Grit is the trait that makes you find a different way, try a little harder, put forth just a bit more effort. Tenacity provides the push when you’re afraid and the fuel when you’re just too tired to take one more step. A successful marriage has staying power not because of its perfection, but because of the persistence of its constituent parts.

And remember, it’s important to be what you want to attract. So before you berate someone for not having these characteristics, look at yourself first.

A successful marriage begins with you.

The Boomerang Ex: Why Do They Keep Coming Back? (And What to Do When They Show Up)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The negotiations are made. The papers signed. If there are no kids, you’re assuming that you’ll never see your ex again. If there are children in the picture, you’re operating under the impression that the relationship will transition into a business-like one focused on transactions and consultation.

And all seems to be going to plan for a time. The interactions, if they happen at all, are either practical or still flavored from the bitter wash of divorce. Your ex is firmly your ex – over and done with.

And then you receive a text.

“Do you remember that time we rented that cabin up in the mountains? We never even made it into town, much less out of the bedroom. I miss you.”

And now you’re confused. This isn’t the same person that stonewalled you for years or seemed to be critical of your every move. This is the person you fell in love with.

Maybe the hurt and anger is still too strong and you refuse to reply to the foraging text. Or maybe the words bring up those early feelings for you as well and you text back, “I miss you too.” Only to berate yourself in the morning.

Once the divorce is final, some people embrace the role as ex, stepping back and staying back. While others, for a variety of reasons, are intent on coming back.

What makes these boomerang exes act the way they do? And how can you deal with their confusing and often unwanted attentions?

 

They Can’t Be Alone

Some exes hang around because they cannot stomach the thought of being alone. Maybe they’re insecure and gain confidence through their interactions with others or maybe they’re afraid to face the voices of truth that whisper to them at night. Regardless, you were their number one, their go-to and even after divorce, you still are.

This attention may feel flattering at first. Like they want you so much that they cannot let you go. But in time, it becomes stifling. Suffocating. Their need for attention speaking over your need to move on. You may even sense that it’s less about you and more about their fears. And you have no desire to continue to hold their hand when they’re frightened.

Before you can find distance from the ex who cannot be alone, you first have to accept that rescuing them is no longer your job (in fact, it never really was). They are an adult and are responsible for themselves and managing their own fears and challenges. Create boundaries, explicitly state the type and frequency of contact you are okay with. And then fill that line in the sand in with Quikrete.

Held By Habit

Even with the abrupt and brutal ending to my own marriage, I still had to fight the urge to call or text my ex impulsively when I saw or experienced something that I normally would have shared with him. Habit is a powerful force and when we’ve spent a large percentage of a lifetime with somebody, it takes time for those habits to be replaced.

I think we all have those natural impulses after the demise of a long relationship. Just some are better at resisting the call than others. If you suspect your ex is hanging around out of habit, try being patient. Time is really on your side here as new patterns emerge and become engrained.

If their impromptu communications unsettle you, do what you need to on your side to create a little distance – send their emails to the junk folder, silence their phone calls or hide behind the sofa when the doorbell rings. If their attempts at connection are not met, their habits will be unrewarded and they will soon move on.

Seeking to Control

Not all contact is as innocuous as that propelled by habit. Some exes stay in the picture because they cannot tolerate the idea that you will undertake a life without their influence. They attempt to stay in your circle so that they can continue to manipulate your surroundings.

These exes will probe you for information. They may deliver advice, pretending to be helpful, while steering you in a direction that is advantageous to them. They will try to impose limits and bans on your post-divorce life, painting the unreasonable as reasonable.

Dealing with the manipulative ex takes a firm and steady hand. Be resolute in your boundaries and be ready to take blocking them to the extreme. If needed, seek legal counsel about your rights and responsibilities so that you are not help hostage by your exes accusations and claims. And then go as “no contact” as you can.

Tempted by Curiosity

It’s strange when you go from knowing so much about someone to knowing so little. And it’s natural to be curious about what is happening in their world now that you are no longer a part of it. This ex approaches the periphery. They are not looking to become part of your life again, they simply want to see your Facebook feed.

If you’ve already found emotional distance, this ex is harmless. If, however, you’re still pulled emotionally by their presense, this contact can be an emotional roller coaster for you. If you can’t handle contact yet, let them know you need space. And then take it. No apologies needed.

They Want Action

It can be awkward (to say the least) to first get physically intimate with somebody other than your former spouse. And some choose to avoid this situation for as long as possible by viewing their former partner as an ex with benefits. It’s completely normal to still find yourself attracted to your ex and fall back into bed.

Yet just because it’s a normal impulse, doesn’t mean that it’s the best one for you. Continuing to have a physical relationship with your ex makes it more difficult to let go. Remind yourself of your big-picture goals. Is 20 minutes of pleasure really worth sacrificing what you really want?

Even worse is when the advances are unwanted, when your ex has become the creeper whose interest you’re trying to avoid. This is another case for distance and firm boudaries. Avoid being alone with your ex and limit your in-person contact.

 

Prompted by Change

Sometimes the boomerang ex only returns after a protacted time away. And sometimes this return is prompted by internal or external change. You hear of former spouses reconiling after one has learned of a fatal diagnosis. Or after some event occurs than affects – and reunites – them both.

Perhaps life has continued to be a learning process and they now have evolved to a place where they want to try again. Or maybe they’re finally realizing that they made a mistake and they’re looking to correct it.

Sometimes this return is welcomed and is the beginning of a second phase. And sometimes you’ve already moved on to the point of no return (and no interest). If this is the case, decide if you want to aim for friendship or if you would prefer for them to remain in your past. No matter your decision, be compassionate here. People change and the person approaching you now may no longer be the same one that hurt you all those years ago.

 

 

When you have a boomerang ex, there are two questions you must ask youself –

1 – What do they have to gain from the repeated bids for attention?

2 – What do you want to do about it?

Answer those two questions and you will either decide to hold them at arm’s length or welcome them back with open arms.

 

10 Ways Dating is Like Shopping For a New Wardrobe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

1 – You know those items you bought because they represented who you want to be seen as or because they were marked on sale only to languish in the back of the closet because they never were really quite right? It’s easy to do with people too – to drift into a relationship because the person looks good on paper or because we’re afraid to pass up what seems like a good deal. But it doesn’t matter how many boxes they tick if you’re only going to take them out due to a sense of obligation.

2 – Do you have that special go-to outfit that you pull out whenever you need a jolt of confidence? Clothes have power – when it’s right it not only makes you look good, it makes you feel good too. Likewise, that’s a sign that you’ve landed on a compatible partner. The right person highlights your best attributes and minimizes your flaws.

3 – I used to have a pair of jeans that I absolutely loved. They hugged the curves in all the right places and yet still managed to be flexible enough to let me move. Those jeans are now rarely worn since my body had changed in the intervening years and the denim has not. Sometimes the fit can be altered, and sometimes it’s fixed. People are the same. You may find someone who is great fit for you now but may not be suitable down the road.

4 – The stores are always pushing the latest trends. Overwhelming the senses with eye-catching displays enticing you to buy something that will become irrelevant (and thus unwearable) within the year, encouraging you to open your wallet yet again. The wiser buyers resist this pull and instead head to the more sedate racks in the back where the timeless pieces can be found. All of that peacocking is also evident on the dating scene – the bright baubles and carefully arranged coiffing vying for our attention. When often we’re better off investing in the more boring and yet enduring ones.

5 – It can be a little unsettling to learn that the sweater you just purchased had been taken home by someone else. At first, you can’t help but think their presence, their flesh on the inside of your garment. But soon enough, it simply becomes your sweater with your scent and the imprint of your form starting to customize its shape. Similarly, it can be strange heading into dating when most of the people have been divorced – bought and returned, if you will. It’s easy to focus on where they’ve been. But as long as they’re still in good condition, their prior journeys will soon fade away.

6 – There’s a reason that the most exclusive stores are often the smallest – we become overwhelmed when presented with too many choices. Those enormous warehouse-styled stores with their endless racks provide endless opportunity and also endless discontentment. What if there’s a better choice in the next aisle? Dating has suffered the same fate. The friend of a friend has been replaced with technology-supported warehouses of endless options, the result of which can leave of paralyzed and unable to choose.

7 – Even though I know better, I still make the mistake sometimes. I commit to piece of clothing without taking the time to try it on. Only to discover that it doesn’t really fit right. And then I usually suck it up and keep it because, let’s face it, returning something is a hassle and can even be uncomfortable. It’s easy to make the same error in dating, to pledge loyalty to someone before really trying them on and then to hold on to them too long once the mismatch is discovered.

8 – I’m convinced that the people who design fitting room mirrors and lighting are sadists. I mean, I don’t really look like that, do I??? There is nothing like trying on clothing to make you feel insecure about yourself. Well, except dating, that is. Trying on anything brings out our inner doubt and feeds our self-judgement.

9 – Speaking of fitting rooms, they can begin to feel like jail cells built atop a treadmill, as you endless try on and discard items looking for the best fit. Fitting room fatigue is real. There’s a reason they always offer benches so that you can rest and find your second wind. Dating can be equally as tiring. Luckily, you can always find a place to rest for a bit.

10 – I loved that shirt. I mean, really loved it. I gave it a place of honor in my closet and washed it with such care for the first few months. It was special and I made sure to treat it that way. Yet in time, life seemed to speed up and one weekend, I carelessly tossed that once-precious shirt into the dryer, ruining it forever. Finding the right piece is only the beginning. You have to take care of it. When we stumble upon a new partner, the novelty and excitement of it all ensure attention. It’s on us to make sure that attention and care doesn’t fade.

6 Surprising Causes of Resentment (And How to Neutralize Them)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I could feel it starting to rise in my belly like a yeasty dough set upon a counter in the sun. My reaction was stronger than the action which prompted it, a sure sign that there was more beneath the surface.

Last fall, I had reached the conclusion that we would not be doing any winter trips this year for a variety of reasons. When I mentioned this to my husband, he brought up the possibility of doing a ski trip in February.

And there is where the roads diverged. In his extroverted way, he was talking through options. In my, “I don’t say it until I know it to be true” manner, those words were gospel. Especially because I’m dire need of a smile on the calendar as well as a few days away.

And when I found out that his work schedule would not allow for the trip, I was devastated. The building anticipation squashed flat, oozing acrid emotions. Part of this was a natural reaction to disappointment.

But there’s more to it. In my former life, I put too much on hold – work now, play later executed to perfection. Only there was nothing good about it. Furthermore, betrayal has this weird trick it plays on you. Disappointment is misread as a breach of trust, a failing to follow through. So my response to the wet towel thrown on my hopes was out of proportion to the event.

I threw a pity party for evening, partially fueled by hearing about other’s trips and seeing spectacular vacation photos on Facebook. I allowed myself to become frustrated with the differences my husband and I have in our pull towards travel. And that’s when the resentment began to grow in my belly, a nascent being that, if nurtured, would soon have a mind of its own.

So I worked to starve the budding grudge, to commit to finding a way to travel regardless. I tried on a few options, but nothing seemed to fit both my mood and my budget. And then, upon entering my yoga studio the other day, I saw a posting for an upcoming weekend yoga retreat, scheduled just a couple weeks after the hoped-for ski trip.

I smiled. This felt right.

The irritation and dismay were immediately replaced with excitement.

And a conviction that I WILL travel. I will be pleasantly surprised when that can happen with my husband, but I will not assume (nor wait on) that possibility. Because putting your life on hold while waiting on another is a sure-fire way to fuel resentment.

We have a tendency to lay blame for our resentment at the feet of another. We claim to feel that way due to another’s actions or inactions. But the funny thing about resentment is that it is less a response to another and more a response to ourselves.

Resentment happens when we allow ourselves to get caught up in somebody else’s web. It grows when we operate under the assumption that another is responsible for our well-being. It spikes when we permit others to cross our boundaries or when we neglect to erect boundaries at all. We set the stage for resentment when we do something for another with the anticipation of reward or gratitude.  And it feeds upon our own dissatisfaction with our own choices.

And resentment is poison ivy in a relationship. Once allowed to root, it becomes almost impossible to fully eradicate. It’s best to pull it out by the roots while it is still tender and unformed.

Resentment is a sign that you’ve shifted responsibility to another person’s shoulders. In order to release the acrimony, take back your own power.

 

How it presents: “I’m tired on waiting on them to make up their mind or move forward on some promised action.”

What it means: “I’m waiting on them to decide my life so that I don’t have to face the responsibility of the outcome.”

How to neutralize: When possible, choose to move forward regardless of their participation. You do you and they’ll either decide to get going or they’ll stay behind. The resentment builds when you feel as though you’re sacrificing and sacrificing for some promised,but as yet unseen, action. So focus on making conscious choices and compromises rather than sacrifices.

If you truly are stuck waiting (which happens way less often than we believe), ensure that waiting is not all you’re doing. Fill your space with as much life as you can while you are on hold.

 

How it presents: “This is not what I signed up for.”

What it means: “I’m having trouble adjusting to this new life script and dealing with the change.”

How to neutralize: Life is a series of readjustments. And change is hard. Sometimes very hard. When the change presents itself in a person or relationship, we can grow resentful because it requires adaptation on our part. Yet, that’s life no matter who we surround ourselves with.

Strive to eliminate the daydreams of, “what if.” Life is not a choose your own adventure book. Once some choices are made, you cannot merely turn back a page and make a new one. Work from where you are.

When presented with change, we can adapt or we can dig in our heels and refuse to accept what we’re facing. Guess which one breeds resentment?

 

How it presents: “I’m putting in more effort than you are.”

What it means: “I’m struggling to set and enforce boundaries about what I am and am not willing to tolerate.”

How to neutralize: First, be honest with yourself. Are you attracted to people who depend upon you? Do you willingly take up the role of caretaker in the beginning only to become resentful as fatigue sets in? That’s coming from fear, a fear of being alone or of being dispensable.

It is your responsibility to identify, communicate and enforce your boundaries. You can’t get upset when their crossed if they’re constructed merely of whispered wishes. When you hold to your beliefs and borders, you won’t have the emotional response to any transgressions.

Remember this – it’s not fair to get angry at someone for taking what you’re freely giving by putting other’s needs above your own.

 

How it presents: “I’m tired of being the ‘bad guy’ or the responsible one.”

What it means: “I’ve learned somewhere along the way that I am supposed to take on the heavy lifting.”

How to neutralize: This is one of those roles us Type A super-responsible people tend to end up in. We’ve learned (usually in childhood) that it’s our job to take care of things. And then, as adults, we’re often attracted to people that are more carefree in order to balance our sensible natures. And then we grow resentful for the very thing that attracted us in the beginning.

By all means, communicate your needs. Explain your nature and express what you would like to see from them. At the same time, accept that you picked them as they are and they are not yours to change.

Try taking two steps towards the center. Let some things go. Release some of the responsibility. The other person may pick up the slack. Or they may not. But you also may be amazed at how much you can let go of and the world will still go on.

 

How it presents: “I resent them putting more time, energy and attention in other directions.”

What it means: “I’m feeling unbalanced and unappreciated.”

How to neutralize: When our lives are full, we have little energy or care about what others are doing. It is only when we face some void that we concern ourselves with the plates of others. So start by filling your own plate. Put your time, energy and attention into something other than the lack of time, energy and attention they’re directing towards you.

Identify why you’re feeling unappreciated. Are you performing with the hope of reward and you’re upset when it doesn’t materialize? Are you biting your tongue until it bleeds and allowing your anger to bloom? Are you not recognizing the signs of appreciation when they are presented? If you are being taken advantage of, seek to understand why you’re allowing that to happen.

 

How it presents: “I feel jealous and bitter about their life and options.”

What it means: “I’m feeling unfulfilled and stuck in my own life.”

How to neutralize: We are at our unhappiest when we compare ourselves to others. We try to measure life against life as though they are calculated in some standard unit. But that’s a false reading. Each life has its own treasures and its own tarnish. And they don’t easily match up.

When resentment anchored in envy presents, turn your energy away from the object of your ire and into yourself. Where are you feeling stuck? Are you feeling afraid to make the necessary changes to get to where you want to go? It’s amazing how often we covet what we’re afraid to seek on our own. Rather than resent them for what they have, be brave enough to seek what you want.