What Life Has to Offer

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a week.

Our boy pup, Kazh, is the one who suffered a severely broken leg mere weeks after we rescued him two years ago. Surgery and several weeks of hard recovery followed. And that leg, held together with plates and screws, is fine. The other leg? Not so much.

IMG_0394
The boy getting some sun with his broken leg.

This dog lives for sprinting. Nothing makes him happier than to go all-out in a big field with the sole purpose of bringing down a runaway tennis ball. But since he started limping last spring, we’ve held off on the sprinting.

After a consult with the vet, we settled on a long course of anti-inflammatory meds, which eventually seemed to resolve the issue.

Until last Tuesday. Since fall had finally decided to visit Georgia and he had been limp-free for months, we decided to take him sprinting. It was glorious. Until we got home, where he soon refused to put any weight on the leg. Even worse, unlike the last time, he was in obvious pain, whimpering throughout the night, bringing back horrible memories of trying to comfort him with the earlier broken leg.

We were pretty sure we were looking at a blown knee and imminent surgery, which would make for a really rough couple months (turns out our boy likes to eat casts and so cannot be unsupervised post-surgery). But luck was on our side as the vet he saw the next morning said that, although she wasn’t sure what it was, it wasn’t a torn ligament. And a shot with the accompanying meds have started him back on the road to recovery.

(A side note – Does anyone else find that walking dogs in the dark in October is like taking them through a haunted house as they startle at the various Halloween decorations? It cracks me up on a daily basis as my dogs think they have to protect the pack from zombie brides, flashing pumpkins, giant spiders and an inflatable dragon. It makes want to experience it through their eyes!)

IMG_1897
That skeleton gets them every single time. 

It’s been really sweet watching his sister, another rescue brought in about ten months ago, take care of him while he’s down. She refuses to leave his side and is both protective of him and nurturing towards him. Dogs are the best.

IMG_9748
Puppy loves…and stolen couch cushions:)

But no more sprinting.

At the same time we were worried about our boy, we’ve also been concerned for our friends who, quite frankly, have had life shit on them over the last couple months. You know that life stressor list that ranks events on a scale of 1-100? I think they’re dealing with about half of them right now. But as of yesterday, things are also looking up for them. I hope that they are able to shift from a position of survival to one of recovery.

And then there’s work. There’s a particularly stressful and tricky-to-navigate situation right now. On the plus side, I’m proud of myself. In past years, I would have martyred myself in an attempt to fix it. Now? I’m doing a pretty good job of maintaining the boundary between “I’ll help” and “Not my job.”

I also bought myself an electric tea kettle for my classroom.

Game. Changer.

I was inspired by a few of my 8th grade girls who have Tea Time Tuesday, where they take turns bringing in a tea kettle, a thermos of hot water and tea each week. They were so excited to learn about the new hot water source. And I have to say, they’re on to something. Having tea within reach throughout the day on Friday was so soothing and felt like such an indulgence.

My kids are so amazing. I had them do a first quarter reflection yesterday where, among other things, I asked them what behaviors/actions/mindsets were beneficial to them in math this year, what behaviors/actions/mindsets were holding them back and what they were most proud of themselves for.

And the responses. Wow. It’s really amazing to see such insight, self-awareness and growth mindset in these kids. And not only that, they’re just good people. During our twice a month lesson on social and emotional learning, we went down a rabbit hole that ended with this video.

By the end, we were all openly weeping. And how cool is that? To have a middle school classroom where it is okay to cry, okay to ask for help, okay to admit weakness and okay to celebrate growth. Because after all, that’s what life has to offer.

 

 

 

 

 

A Tale of Two Marriages

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.

That number has some meat to it. It feels substantial. Like we’re past the appetizer and into the main meal.

For some reason, I’ve been particularly reflective this year, looking at this marriage and my first one from the perspective of today.

I don’t remember my 6th anniversary in my first marriage. But that’s not surprising. Not only did we not make a big deal out anniversaries, but both time and trauma have significantly dulled my memories of much of the sixteen years I was with him.

Even without specific memories or knowledge, I suspect that he started living a double life in earnest around our 6th anniversary. It was around that time that he was laid off from his latest job and he decided to go solo. And as I learned later, the company that he started never was profitable. Of course, he worked hard to hide that from me at the time and shared extensive details about projects that he was working on. Projects that I don’t think ever existed.

I can’t help but contrast that with my now-husband. He’s had a couple down years at work due to certain accounts. And I’ve known about it every step of the way. He’s been frustrated about the cuts, but instead of hiding the finances, he’s strategized and worked harder. All while being open with me about what has been happening.

From my perspective at the time, my first marriage was good. If I was to graph its happiness and our connection over time, it would be a horizontal line with only the most minor of deviations. The marriage was steady and we were consistent.

My marriage now is different. When I look back over our 9+ years together, it’s been a positive trajectory. We’re closer now than we were when we married. There’s more intimacy. Better teamwork and communication. More awareness of our own triggers and baggage, which we’ve both made major strides on addressing.

There’s been some hard times, but ultimately, we have both grown as individuals (with the support and encouragement of the other) and the marriage has grown as well.

In my first marriage, we never talked about the marriage. It just was. Something as certain and inevitable as the sunrise.

In contrast, my now-husband and I talk about our marriage quite a bit. What’s working. What’s not. What we appreciate and what we observe. It’s not something we take for granted; it’s something that we make an effort to nurture and grow every single day.

I used to worry that I would never have love like my first husband again. What I couldn’t have imagined was that I would find better. Realer. This love is more challenging and also so much more rewarding. And I would trade this for anything.

 

 

How Do You Make Your Partner Happy?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Short answer?

You can’t.

 

But that doesn’t mean that you have to sit by helplessly while they’re miserable.

 

Snip20190712_8

 

It all starts with understanding the distinction between caring about your partner’s happiness and taking responsibility for their happiness. The former is hopefully a keystone in every supportive relationship. If you care about someone, you obviously want the best for them. You want to do things that bring a smile to their face and mitigate the circumstances that bring them down.

Yet it is beyond your ability to MAKE them happy. Period. End of story. No matter what you do (or what they say), it is simply impossible for you to make another person happy.

That is an inside job.

 

 

Encourage Them When They’re Down

Remind them of their strengths. Of their previous successes. Without dismissing their concerns, highlight the more positive aspects of the situation. Express your belief and confidence in them – “I know you have this and I’ll have your back while you get through.”

 

Support Their Outlets

Accept that you cannot meet all of your partner’s needs. Actively encourage them to seek out their preferred outlets for release and support, whether that be time with a group of friends or alone time on a trail.

 

Distinguish Between Their Wants/Needs and What You Want For Them

It’s easy to get these two things confused and feel frustrated when our efforts are not appreciated because we’re working towards the wrong goal. Even if you disagree with their approach, your role is to act as a sounding board, not a dictatorial advisor.

 

Listen Without Judgment or Trying to Fix

One of the most important roles a marriage can provide is a place of sanctuary when it feels like the world is out to get you. Strive to be that safe place where they can speak without immediately facing unwanted advice or criticism. It doesn’t mean that you cannot disagree, just do it with intention and save it for the important things.

 

Respect Their Boundaries

For some of us, the sight of someone in distress is like a beacon, summoning us to be the rescuers. But they are an autonomous adult. When we swoop in, we’re sending the message that they are not capable of handling things on their own. You can hold their hand, but you can’t do the work for them.

 

Look For Ways to Bring in Delight

Actively seek ways to brighten your partner’s day. It can be as simple as a flirty note or funny GIF sent through text. This focus also helps to shift your mood if you have a tendency to get caught up in their unhappiness.

 

Spread Your Burdens

It’s natural to unload our biggest burdens on our partners. Yet it can also be a lot to bear. So make sure that you have more people than just your partner to share your own fears and struggles with. Even if you have to hire a listening ear.

 

Bring Your Best Self

And this means taking care of yourself. If you find that your partner’s unhappiness is increasing your own, address your own well-being. Do more of the things that make you happy. One of the best things you can do to increase their happiness is to take care of your own.

 

Accept Your Limitations and Respect Your Own Boundaries

Sometimes our partner’s unhappiness is more than a passing phase. If you suspect your spouse is depressed, it’s time to bring in professional help. And if they continually resist intervention, you have to make the decision how long you’re willing to wait. I often hear, “don’t leave your partner in a fire,” yet you also have to decide if you’re willing to burn if they continually deny the flames. You cannot fix them. All you can do is love them and support them while they fix themselves.

 

Dealing With the Shame and Embarrassment of Being Cheated On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What We All Want

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When it comes down to it, we all want the same things.

We want to feel safe, to trust that the world is what it seems and that there is at least some predictability or sense to what happens in it.

We want to feel seen, to know that we matter and that even once we’re gone, we will continue to leave some sort of legacy.

We want to be accepted, to be loved and welcomed as we are.

And we want to be appreciated, our gifts and contributions recognized and valued.

Of course, there are both positive and negative ways that we seek to meet these needs.

Those seeking safety may strive to control every outcome, even extending to trying to control those around them. A need to be seen can lead to negative attention-seeking behaviors that cause harm even while meeting the requirement. Taken too far, a drive for acceptance twists into people-pleasing, morphing into a form that others want. And a need for appreciation can slide into narcissism, where recognition is demanded no matter the cost.

We can have those same needs met in positive and healthy ways. A need for safety comes not from trying to control outcomes, but in building trust in yourself to meet those outcomes, no matter what they may be. The desire to be seen can be met from actively working to spread some lasting change in the world so that you can see your ripple on the planet. A need for acceptance comes from surrounding yourself with the right people or, if that fails, the right furry companion. And the best appreciation comes not from somebody saying “thank you,” but from within when you give from a place of generosity and selflessness.