stilllearning2b

Is Your Divorce Malignant? Here’s How to Survive

Posted on November 11, 2014March 13, 2019 by stilllearning2b

When I was going through my divorce, others often felt the need to tell me about their own divorces. I heard stories of couples signing the paperwork and then going to have coffee. Some spoke of marriages that quietly faded and negotiations that barely sullied the mediator’s desk. I encountered women at the gym who whispered over sweaty shoulders, “Just wait until you get his money; it’ll all be worth it then,” as though a divorce was some get-rich-quick scheme I entered willingly. And all of this was years before the advent of “conscious uncoupling;” I think if I had caught wind of that phrase, I would have run off to some desert island where there are no lawyers.

If you’re facing a malignant divorce, see my eleven tips to help you survive on The Good Men Project.

I Feel Scared

Posted on November 10, 2014November 11, 2014 by stilllearning2b

Until my divorce, I thought I had a plan for my life.

I thought I had a loving husband.

I thought I had a savings account.

I thought I knew my future.

And then, with one text, it was all gone.

And in some ways, it was the most freeing moment of my life.

Because I faced my greatest fear.

And survived.

Not only is divorce itself scary, it has a way of triggering childhood fears as well. If you’re feeling anxious and scared after divorce, these posts are for you:

Are you having trouble sleeping? Are you easily triggered? Do you have flashbacks that immediately take you back? Then you will relate to the idea of PTSD after divorce.

If you have been betrayed, this piece will help you understand how your thinking changes. Once you see a zebra…

Healing isn’t linear. Days and even months of okay can be followed by a no good, very bad, horrible day.

Do you find that triggers seem to attack when you least expect? Are you tired of overreacting to situations?

The best news? You can retrain your brain. Every bad moment is an opportunity to respond differently.

Often we cannot face things until we feel safe. Ready, set, face.

I Feel Angry

Posted on November 10, 2014November 11, 2014 by stilllearning2b

The journal I kept in those early months after he left is warped and torn. Not from age. But from the force of my pen.

I wasn’t angry.

I was furious.

Nothing about the situation was okay.

Nothing was fair.

And I wanted him to pay.

If you are fuming at the actions of your ex or the unfairness of the situation, these posts are for you:

There is something about divorce that makes everyone want to point fingers. If you find fingers are pointed at you or if you have pointed them at others, you’ll want to read this post about the blame game.

I was hoping to find justice in the courts. Instead, I found more frustration. Divorce courts don’t punish individual misdeeds; they punish the entire class.

Anger seeks a target. A powerful question to ask yourself – what would make it all okay? You may be surprised by the answer.

We tend to view anger as aggression. When often, anger is simply pain screaming to be heard.

Want to forgive but not sure how? Try Forgiveness 101.

Or, for a different perspective, here’s when you shouldn’t forgive.

Sometimes you have to let it all out. This is a test of the emergency rant system. This is only a test.

Anger is a powerful, yet corrosive fuel. It moves you along, yet causes damage if you hold onto it too long. Ready to let go? Try this. It was a powerful shift for me.

You don’t have to do it all yourself. Karma’s got your back. She’s always watching:)

I Feel Sad

Posted on November 10, 2014September 24, 2018 by stilllearning2b

Are you feeling sad after divorce?

Divorce is a death of a marriage.

A death of the future.

A death of your present.

And, in some cases, a death of the past you thought you had.

Like any death, there is an intense sense of loss. Of mourning.

I remember feeling the aching void left behind by his absence. I worried that I would never trust again. Never love again.

I feared the best was over and loss was all that was left.

If you are feeling heartbroken and miserable, these posts are for you:

It’s so easy to believe that the way things are right now is the way they will always be. But everything changes. Even suffering.

It’s tempting to try to avoid the pain. But you can’t outsource healing; you have to do it yourself.

When you are in pain, the calendar can be your enemy. How do you handle anniversaries?

The pain may have come in a great crashing wave, but it recedes like the tide, slowly and leaving pools behind.

For a time, I thought I would have to excise all memories of my marriage from my mind like some cancerous growth. It turns out that memories can remain while the pain fades.

Are you thinking recursively or using input-output? It matters.

We zero in on what we know and what we know is the past, the pain. Try making the belief that the best is yet to come at the center of your heart and aim your thoughts that way.

I Feel Alone

Posted on November 10, 2014September 24, 2018 by stilllearning2b

On the day I met my soon-to-be-ex husband in court, I was asked by the judge to wait in the hallway while she and attorneys consulted with my husband.

I have never felt so alone.

I sat trembling on that austere bench in that impersonal hall with tears streaming down my face. My past was in the courtroom, embodied in the man that had gone from lover to stranger, protector to persecutor. My future was unknown and unknowable. And my present was hell.

A hell that I felt like I was facing alone.

Because it felt like nobody could understand.

No one could relate.

Eventually, I learned that I wasn’t alone. I realized that others had been through similar situations and managed to survive and even thrive.

If you’re currently feeling alone, here are some posts for you:

It’s funny how freeing it can be to realize that you’re not special. There is a comfort to be found in accepting that we are more alike than we think.

Understanding and addressing loneliness after divorce is critical to your well-being.

I started sharing my story in the hopes that no one else would ever have to feel alone, no matter the details of their divorce. Here’s my personal message for you.

One of the ways that we feel alienated after divorce is when people start to say that we should be feeling a certain way. There is no right way to feel.

Divorce is a major loss. It’s shocking to the system. This analogy may help you find acceptance and clarity of where you are. And give you some ideas how to rebuild.

We all need support during divorce. From old to new, these are the types of friends you need during your separation.

The holidays can be a stressful time for anyone. And that goes double for those dealing with the end of a marriage. There are ways to make it more tolerable.

I never wanted to be a member of the divorce club. I’d wager you didn’t want to join either. Here are the FAQS for new affiliates.

I couldn’t relate at all to stories of conscious uncoupling. My story was more Stanley Kubric than RomCom.

This post really doesn’t have much to do with being alone, but it is a reminder of how we can change our divorce experience. Even if our exes don’t cooperate.

Author: stilllearning2b

Share this:

Not only is divorce itself scary, it has a way of triggering childhood fears as well. If you’re feeling anxious and scared after divorce, these posts are for you:

Are you having trouble sleeping? Are you easily triggered? Do you have flashbacks that immediately take you back? Then you will relate to the idea of PTSD after divorce.

If you have been betrayed, this piece will help you understand how your thinking changes. Once you see a zebra…

Healing isn’t linear. Days and even months of okay can be followed by a no good, very bad, horrible day.

Do you find that triggers seem to attack when you least expect? Are you tired of overreacting to situations?

The best news? You can retrain your brain. Every bad moment is an opportunity to respond differently.

Often we cannot face things until we feel safe. Ready, set, face.

Share this:

If you are fuming at the actions of your ex or the unfairness of the situation, these posts are for you:

There is something about divorce that makes everyone want to point fingers. If you find fingers are pointed at you or if you have pointed them at others, you’ll want to read this post about the blame game.

I was hoping to find justice in the courts. Instead, I found more frustration. Divorce courts don’t punish individual misdeeds; they punish the entire class.

Anger seeks a target. A powerful question to ask yourself – what would make it all okay? You may be surprised by the answer.

We tend to view anger as aggression. When often, anger is simply pain screaming to be heard.

Want to forgive but not sure how? Try Forgiveness 101.

Or, for a different perspective, here’s when you shouldn’t forgive.

Sometimes you have to let it all out. This is a test of the emergency rant system. This is only a test.

Anger is a powerful, yet corrosive fuel. It moves you along, yet causes damage if you hold onto it too long. Ready to let go? Try this. It was a powerful shift for me.

You don’t have to do it all yourself. Karma’s got your back. She’s always watching:)

Share this:

If you are feeling heartbroken and miserable, these posts are for you:

It’s so easy to believe that the way things are right now is the way they will always be. But everything changes. Even suffering.

It’s tempting to try to avoid the pain. But you can’t outsource healing; you have to do it yourself.

When you are in pain, the calendar can be your enemy. How do you handle anniversaries?

The pain may have come in a great crashing wave, but it recedes like the tide, slowly and leaving pools behind.

For a time, I thought I would have to excise all memories of my marriage from my mind like some cancerous growth. It turns out that memories can remain while the pain fades.

Are you thinking recursively or using input-output? It matters.

We zero in on what we know and what we know is the past, the pain. Try making the belief that the best is yet to come at the center of your heart and aim your thoughts that way.

Share this:

If you’re currently feeling alone, here are some posts for you:

It’s funny how freeing it can be to realize that you’re not special. There is a comfort to be found in accepting that we are more alike than we think.

Understanding and addressing loneliness after divorce is critical to your well-being.

I started sharing my story in the hopes that no one else would ever have to feel alone, no matter the details of their divorce. Here’s my personal message for you.

One of the ways that we feel alienated after divorce is when people start to say that we should be feeling a certain way. There is no right way to feel.

Divorce is a major loss. It’s shocking to the system. This analogy may help you find acceptance and clarity of where you are. And give you some ideas how to rebuild.

We all need support during divorce. From old to new, these are the types of friends you need during your separation.

The holidays can be a stressful time for anyone. And that goes double for those dealing with the end of a marriage. There are ways to make it more tolerable.

I never wanted to be a member of the divorce club. I’d wager you didn’t want to join either. Here are the FAQS for new affiliates.

I couldn’t relate at all to stories of conscious uncoupling. My story was more Stanley Kubric than RomCom.

This post really doesn’t have much to do with being alone, but it is a reminder of how we can change our divorce experience. Even if our exes don’t cooperate.

Share this: