Dating After Divorce: Does Their Marital History Matter?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started to contemplate dating after my tsunami divorce, I was taken aback when a friend posed the question, “So, are you looking for guys that have never been married or are you looking for a man that is also divorced?”. Since the last time I was on the dating scene, I was just looking for boys who were old enough to drive, I had never had to consider prior marital status before.

I rolled the imagined pros and cons of each around in my mind for a few moments.

Never married – No ex-wife to deal with, not one to marry impulsively, and has had sufficient time to fully enjoy the bachelor life. On the other hand, perhaps they are not ready for marriage, they don’t know how to “do” marriage and they may struggle to adapt to the lifestyle changes.

Divorced – Knows how to be married, may have friends that are more marriage-oriented, and they are not commitment-shy. Of course, there is always the ex-wife, the newly single man about town energy and they may be dealing with residual triggers and bitterness from the divorce.

I concluded, “I’m fine with either. I figure at my age (32 at the time), I’ll find more that are divorced. Of course, kids are a deal-breaker for me, so that may mean I find more that have never been married.”

And during my period of Match Madness, I did date both. And I found that some of my assumptions were incorrect. I met married men who, based upon discussion, never did learn how to be married. I met lifelong bachelors that had certain traits that made it difficult to imagine anyone wanting to marry them. Ever. And I discovered that difficult and in-the-picture exes were as likely to be of the girlfriend as the wife variety. Divorced doesn’t mean “damaged” any more than never married means “defective.”

In the end, I fell in love with a man (then 37) who had never been married. Not because he had some fatal flaw, but because he knew himself well enough to wait until he was ready. He may not have known how to be married, but that was okay. After all, I didn’t know how to be married to him. And every marriage is different. We gave each other the gifts of time and patience – for me to work on healing and letting go of the residual anger and for him to adapt to a partnered life and learn what it means to be married. And now that never-been-married-before man is a seriously amazing husband.

Just like I wouldn’t want anyone to hold my past against me, someone’s romantic history doesn’t tell the story of their romantic future. Focus more on their character traits than on the characters they dated or married. Pay more attention to their readiness now then their readiness then. And most importantly, look for someone that will learn along with you as you navigate a life together.

Ten Ways Your Divorce Makes You Better Than Before

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce better

I don’t think anyone ever responds to the childhood question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with “Divorced.” Yet, for many of us, the end of a marriage does become part of our life story. I know I don’t have to point out the downsides of divorce to you; after all, they have a way of speaking for themselves.

But what about the upsides? What about the ways that your divorce, even if it was of the unwanted or malignant variety, has made you better than before?

Because whether you realize it or not, divorce (like many other life challenges) has changed you. Shaped you. Strengthened you.

Its harsh grit has left you polished. Its demands have made you grow. And the pain has left its mark.

You aren’t the same person you were before. You’re better.

Maturity

You may have to be a legal adult to get married, but there are no tests for maturity before we pledge our lives wed to another. And in many cases, we enter our first marriages still children in many ways. Perhaps we placed too much faith in the idea of soul mates and happily ever after. Maybe we didn’t fully appreciate the effort that marriage requires. And possibly we still carried childhood wounds and patterns into our marriages rather than assuming adult responsibility for our own responses.

Divorce is like a drill sergeant yelling, “Grow up!” into your tear-streamed face. It leaves no room for childhood fantasies and overdependence on others. It requires that you put on your big-girl panties or big-boy briefs. Maybe for the first time in your life.

Confidence

In the beginning, divorce saps your confidence. You may be feeling defeated because you couldn’t hold your marriage together. If an affair was part of your divorce story, you’re wondering what the new partner had that you do not. And once you face the dating scene again, yet older and saggier than before, your self-doubt grows.

However, that’s only part of the story.

Because whenever you successfully complete something that you thought you could not do, you gain confidence. Whenever you have to reframe your assumptions about your weaknesses and limitations, you fuel belief in yourself. Whenever you face your fears and survive, you acquire strength. And whenever you come through a struggle bruised and battered yet without giving up, you build trust in your abilities. And divorce certainly provides these opportunities in spades.

Perspective

The only way to truly understand something is to first walk through it and then step back and look upon it from a distance. There’s a reason that some of the best marriage advice comes from people who have been divorced – they know the beginning, the middle and what can lead to end in a way that those only speaking from within cannot fathom.

As time goes on, and your divorce moves further back in the rearview mirror, you will be able to see patterns less clouded by emotion and cluttering detail. That perspective gives you information that you can use to change your own behaviors and to improve your future relationships.

Continue to read the rest.

Pages: 1 2

Stepping on Toes in the Pursuit of Happiness

Posted on by stilllearning2b
happiness

“But I just wanted to be happy,” my couldn’t-be-ex-quickly-enough whined to the police officer in the interview room where he was being questioned for bigamy.

“That doesn’t give you an excuse to commit a felony,” the officer responded. I could hear him shaking his head in disbelief as he related this encounter to me on the phone later that day.

It brings up an interesting question though – when is it okay to cause distress to others on your own path to self fulfillment?

Your first impulse may be, “never.” Yet, we are not responsible for another’s happiness and we are in charge of our own. And there are times when you may have to step on some toes in order to make the changes that you need to make for you.

And it’s actually more harmful to engage in the people-pleasing (or cowardly) dance around the toes than to be honest and upfront from the beginning. When we try to protect people from our truth, we are acting as gatekeepers, something no relationship on common footing should ever have. Additionally, in trying to avoid hurting anyone, you create an environment seeded for deception (if you do want you want and lie about it to protect the other or yourself) or contempt and resentment (if you don’t follow your dreams and you blame your partner for your circumstances).

There are times when you have to step on some toes. Bruise some egos. Utter words that you know will lead to tears. And maybe even make a decision that causes a heart to break.

It’s not your job to ensure that your partner never feels pain. It’s not your role to act as security guard for your partner’s ego. And it’s not your responsibility to protect your partner’s cheeks from tears.

There are times that you may have to step on some toes in order to find your happiness.

But you are responsible for ensuring that you step as gently as possible. (Unlike my ex, who pretty much tap danced in combat boots over everyone in his life.)

If you are feeling unfulfilled in your life and you suspect that the pursuit of your own happiness will end up hurting others, here is what you need to consider if you want to tread as lightly as possible:

Don’t Be Impulsive

We all get irritated at times. We all reach a breaking point where eruptions are inevitable. This is not the time to throw out some news that will hurt your partner. Wait until you are calm and deliberate. Words can never be erased.

Speak Your Truth Clearly

Say it as it is. Provide the basics and only elaborate if asked.

Do Not Spread Blame

Even if you see your partner as responsible, this is not the time to point fingers. Own your part. And make sure you’re not on a snipe hunt for happiness. Not only is that not fair to your partner, you will never find what you’re looking for.

Be Patient

This may be old news to you, but it’s a breaking headline to your partner. Give them the time and space needed to adjust.

Accept That Some Pain is Inevitable

You can’t keep your partner from hurting. Offer comfort if it is welcome and don’t censor or try to minimize the pain.

Strive to Not Respond to Anger

When we are surprised and in pain, we often lash out. Try to not respond to anger; it won’t lessen the impact of your announcement.

Enlist Professional Help If Needed

Whether the news is delivered in a counseling office or a therapist is secured after-the-fact, recognize that help may be needed.

Listen and Keep an Open Mind

You may have reached a conclusion on your own. Be willing to listen to your partner. First, so that they can feel understood and also because you may find an alternative you did not consider.

And I discourage bigamy; you’ll find the police aren’t very sympathetic:)

A Unique Way to Share Your Story and Contribute to the Collective Wisdom

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve written before about the benefits of writing letters to your ex-spouse. (6 Letters to Write After Divorce)

Well now those letters can have a greater purpose. Vicki Shemin, J.D., LICSW, ACSW, of the Boston Law Collaborative, a divorce attorney and therapist, is working on a project that combines personal narratives about divorce in the form of letters to the ex along with research about the process and impact of divorce. If you’re interested in participating, or just want more information, you can find what you need here.

I hope some of you will choose to join in the project. The more we share our own experiences, the more we can understand and improve the impact of divorce.

5 Ways to Soothe Your Irritated Senses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s inevitable that we will become irritated at times with the people we spend the most time with. It happens in romantic relationships, within families and even at work (you should see the irritation that occurs in a classroom with kids that have been cooped up together for too long!). Close proximity over extended time leads to friction, and friction often leads to abrasion. Small tics and habits that once seemed innocuous wear thin on the temper’s hide over time, scratching away until an open sore is revealed.

It’s easy to snap as the offending stimulation continues, lashing out at the other as your patience wears away. It happens to all of us at times; we bite out tongues as long as we can until eventually, our tongues bite back, often escalating a one-sided irritation into an all-out confrontation.

But what if it was possible for you to sooth your own irritation before your temper flares? What if you could be conscious of and change your thoughts in such a way that the irritant no longer rubbed you raw? What if you could take charge of your responses and, in turn, avoid irritation and its escalations?

You can.

It starts with acceptance. See and acknowledge the entirety of the person that bothering you, their gifts and their burdens. And so often those are two sides of the same traits. For example, if you need something done by a deadline, I’m your woman. My sense of responsibility and propensity towards anxiety means that I’ll take care of it. But have me as a passenger in your car when we’re running late for some appointment? Yeah, those same traits are going to drive you crazy. And, as is so often the case with someone’s struggles, I know that it drives people crazy (it does for me too), but it’s not something I can completely hide either.

Make a rule for yourself that you’re not allowed to be irritated if somebody does something or neglects to do something else if you haven’t asked first. It’s not fair to get upset because someone has yet to perfect the art of mind reading. Begin by assessing the reasonableness of your request. If my sneezing bothers you and you inform me that its like nails on a chalkboard whenever my sinuses blow, I’ll sympathize but there’s not much I can do. If, however, you hate it when I neglect to put the seat back after driving your car, please let me know and I’ll make sure I slide it back.

Muffle the irritations with gratitude and a smile. I find this to be so incredibly helpful with those minor household irritations. For example, if I have to start my Sunday cook-a-thon by clearing Brock’s clutter off the counter, I can feel those prickles of irritation starting to speak. As soon as I sense their presence, I respond by very actively and intentionally recalling recent good deeds and words he has bestowed upon me and our home. The mess pales in comparison to his selfless trek into the cold to make sure I had wood for a fire, his sweet note still resting by the coffee pot and the new retaining wall he organized and paid for that ensure that our driveway won’t wash away with the next deluge. I then clean up the clutter with a smile. The other benefit of this method is that it clues you in to issues that are more serious than minor irritations. The the gratitude doesn’t silence your ire, something needs to be addressed.

We don’t live in a vacuum. Consider the surroundings and the circumstances when you find yourself getting annoyed. If you’re sick, or stressed or overwhelmed, you are going to be more prone to irritation. That’s not the other person’s fault; don’t lay it at their feet. You are the responsible for managing your own stress levels and obligations. And if you’re sick, maybe staying in bed helps others as well as you:)

And if all else fails, take a break. It’s amazing how quickly an abrasion heals once the friction has stopped.