Mommies Are…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I test drove motherhood this week.

I was one of 24 chaperones on a three-day trip to Savannah with 378 8th graders.

I love these trips, but they are such a shock to my system as I go from no kids to being completely responsible for a group of 16 and sharing responsibility for the others.

My days started with me trying to grab sips of coffee while I made the rounds, making sure students were awake and appropriately dressed, administering medication and giving sage advice to address the issues that arise overnight when you stick four teenage girls in a room together.

Breakfast, usually my peaceful time in front of the computer, was taken standing up in the lobby of the hotel so that I could direct the girls and strive to keep their voices at a semi-reasonable level. I think I managed two bites of hot oatmeal before it congealed.

Through the day, I lugged a large backpack filled with their medications and the day’s schedule. I was nurse, tour guide and counselor in one. I made sure that sunscreen and bug spray were applied. And then reapplied. I cautioned them about the effects of the overconsumption of sugar and the need to bring a jacket. I even found myself repeating the dreaded mom words, “Just try,” at the limited bathroom opportunities.

I swear the girls knew the moment I stepped into the shower at the end of the long days as the phone would start to ring as soon as I applied the shampoo to my hair – the hotel equivalent of calling “Mom” across the house.

By the time all of the girls were settled in their rooms, I would collapse, exhausted.

Yet unable to sleep.

The details of the days are tiring, but it is nothing compared to the weight of responsibility that motherhood, even of the three-day variety, holds. I saw potential dangers lurking around previously harmless corners. Every stranger was a threat, every body of water a potential drowning and every curb provided an opportunity to fall. At night, I found that I could not enter deep sleep, as I was constantly listening for the kids.

When I was a kidmyself, the pastor at my church would call all of the children up to the steps in front of the pulpit for a brief children’s message embedded within the larger sermon. One year when I was about four, the pastor celebrated Mother’s Day by beginning with the prompt, “Mommies are” and then holding out the microphone for the kids to complete the sentence.

The first few shares were your standard:

“Mommies are nice.”

“Mommies are pretty.”

“Mommies are gentle.”

And then the microphone was put in front of me. My contribution on that Mother’s Day?

“Mommies are tired.”

Yes, they are. Motherhood is a job with the biggest responsibilities possible and no time off. Motherhood is a job that, just when you think you have it figured out, your kid enters a new phase; you’re in perpetual training. Motherhood is a job that requires that your own needs are neglected so that your offspring’s needs are met.

It is tiring.

But is also rewarding beyond belief, as reflected in the faces of the moms as they reunited with their kids at the end of the trip. I’m sure they enjoyed their three days of peace and quiet but they were thrilled to see their kids (even stinky, cranky, hopped-up-on-sugar kids:) )again.

As for me, I enjoyed the test drive but this particular model is not for me. I’ll stick with teaching!

Happy Mother’s Day to all you tired mommies. I am in awe of what you do every day.

In and Out of Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My brain, numbed and molded into a box from days of administering standardized tests is slow to make connections and weave non-standardized sentences this morning. I have found myself strangely drawn towards curves over the last two weeks – doodling nonsensical and nonlinear designs, sitting in the comforting arch of the non-corner of my deck and appreciating the bends in the trees and the undulations in the clouds.

It always takes some time for me to re-adjust. To remember that life is not multiple choice and that children are not defined by which bubble they darken. To feel comfortable again speaking off of a script and speaking my mind. Today, I am purging myself of the testing remains and spending time without monitoring minutes or erasures.

Meanwhile, here’s another collection of some interesting articles that I have encountered over the last few weeks. Enjoy. And remember, life is not a test. There are no wrong answers, only different paths.

presentlife

The Science of Betrayal

This research invested the effect of oxytocin on feelings of betrayal. The results are interesting and not what I would have expected. My ex expertly used affection, and thus oxytocin, to keep me calm.

Life Sucks

After the Divorce: 5 Ways to Know if You’re Ready to Date

Good stuff here. I have to admit, I started dating before I had resolved all of these (I was still pretty angry), but they all had to be resolved before I could really be in a relationship.

interview

She Shared Her Brutally Honest Experience of His Affair and It Worked

I share this not because I think it will “work” to save a relationship on the rocks (you have to have a straying partner willing and able to listen first), but because I think it is a well-written description of what it feels like to be betrayed. Countless writers have attempted to describe the pain in words. I don’t think any words can quite embody it. But these get close.

pullplug

The 10 Biggest Reasons People Fall Out of Love

It’s interesting the perspective that can be gained when distilling something so complicated into a simple list. I know I fell out of love at first sight once I realized that he wasn’t the person I thought he was.

Happily Ever After

5 Tips to Improve Your Self-Talk

We work hard to improve our physical environment – creating a comfortable home and welcoming space. Yet sometimes we neglect to spruce up the environment we spend the most time in – our own minds. The words we say to others have influence and the words we say to ourselves have power. Choose them carefully.

Escalation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I came home last night to images of the riots in Baltimore on the TV.  I wanted to turn around and walk out, so that I could pretend for just a little longer that we lived in a world where situations like this didn’t occur on a regular basis.

It’s sad. Both sides – the police and the communities – are angry and scared and frustrated. The police are asked to go into dangerous situations and deal with unstable people on a daily basis. They never know which encounter may turn violent. They walk a narrow edge of fear and some use dominance to control it. The community members never know the mindset of an officer or what residue his/her previous calls left behind. They never know if an officer may respond too strongly. They too, walk a narrow edge of fear and some are using aggression to vocalize it.

Both sides have a justified mistrust of the other.

And I fear that mistrust will only grow as the escalation continues.

You have a majority of people that are honest and decent. And then you have those – in uniform and out – that take it too far. That respond with a “10” to an offense of a “5.” And those few up the ante for everyone else, especially when the media is happy to stir the pot, much like the teenager at the edge egging on the fight.

In a personal relationship, it’s difficult enough to stop the escalation. To respond with a “4” to your partner’s “5.” We naturally want to rise to occasion and see a softer response as a sign of weakness. But often when the intensity is dialed down by one, the other responds in kind. When one is willing to back down and listen, the real conversation can begin with a focus on understanding rather than blaming and deflection.

Often the partners act against each other when they really have the same goal of a healthy and happy relationship.

That’s hard enough in personal relationships. It’s releasing the ego. It’s being willing to be perceived as weaker and vulnerable. It’s being willing to listen, even if some of the words are uncomfortable.

And it’s even harder in entire communities. When the identity is formed not by one, but by the shared history of an entire group. When being seen as weak can be a death sentence and strength is found in numbers. And it’s hard to listen when the cries of the crowd are in your ears.

Often the groups act against each other when they really have the same goal of a healthy and happy community.

These conversations are happening. In small groups and online. With each incident, I’m hearing more people talking about what can be done to fix the problem rather than focusing on amplifying the problem.

Nobody wants to be the one who shows up with a knife at a gun fight. But maybe we can work to stop the fight from happening at all.

7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
upsize

Divorce is a pruning of your life. Limbs are removed and the whole is pared back, perhaps to its base, leaving only the bare minimum needed to sustain life. There are many areas where it is prudent to downsize to simplify and remove excess stressors, focusing only on the most critical needs.

But divorce is more than the removal of a life; it is the beginning of a new life. It is the intersection of loss and opportunity. And even though there are some areas where contraction makes sense, there are other areas where you can expand and grow.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider upsizing during divorce:

Passions

We all start out life passionate about something. And then, over time and with increasing responsibilities, that passion is often relegated to the dusty shelves as it is replaced by more practical affairs. Now is the time to dust them off. Your passions help to reunite you with your core self, reminding you of who you were before the marriage. They provide welcome relief from the pain as you enter into a state of flow, acting as both distraction and sustenance for the soul.

Pick up that untuned instrument. Unearth your old paints. Sign up for a softball team. Brew your own beer. It doesn’t matter what it is, just that it is something that you truly love to do. So leave the excuses and just do it.

“Me Time”

Divorce is draining and exhausting. Maybe you normally balance taking care of kids, pets, coworkers and aging parents with barely a blink. It’s okay to take a break. To ask for help. To allow others to carry part of the load. So that you can take time for yourself. No guilt allowed. Until your oxygen mask is firmly affixed and you are breathing deeply, you can’t do much for others. So, carve out time for yourself and then take it.

Investments

Divorce can make the future a scary place. The well-laid plans were washed away by tears and the new blueprints have not yet been drawn up. That’s okay. There’s no rush. Yet even when you don’t know where you’re going, you can still start making some investments in your future. These may be financial, seeding your own savings or retirement. The investments may be in the form of education, starting a new degree or certification program that will open up new doors. Maybe it’s taking the first steps towards completing your first triathlon. Or even something as small as planting a tree that will shade your favorite spot on the patio. You will have a full life after divorce. Start funding it now.

Friends

This is an area that may need both upsizing and downsizing. While you may use this time to remove friends that no longer fit, divorce is also a great time to make new friends. I know it may feel overwhelming, especially if you are of a more introverted nature. But the effort is worth it. New friends introduce novelty and excitement. They give you an opportunity to try on your new persona and shed the skin of “the divorcing one.” The making of and keeping of friends require that you remain engaged in life. They encourage you to get out of your house and out of your comfort zone. Some of these friendships may be lasting and others may come and go. That’s okay. Let your friendships evolve as you do.

Exercise

There is a positive association between movement and mood. It’s easy to feel depressed when fully couch-locked. It’s much harder when peddling for your life in a spin class, shaking your booty in Zumba or power-walking through the park. If you had an exercise habit before the divorce, take this opportunity to upgrade it. Give yourself a new challenge. Try a variation or increase your mileage. If you normally go at it alone, see what a group class is like. If you gravitate towards the crowd, experiment with a solo venture.

If you haven’t been exercising, this is your chance to start. Here are some ideas to help you make movement a habit and create lasting change. And, if you’re unsure where to start, this list can give you some pointers about which type of exercise may be best for you.

Confidence

Feeling low? You just need to supersize your confidence. I know it’s hard to do when you feel like you’ve been kicked and then kicked again. The good news? – Just the process of divorce serves to build your confidence. And in the meantime, here are 21 ways, both large and small, that can boost your confidence. Everything starts with conviction. And that faith comes from trusting and believing in yourself. You’re awesome. You can do this.

Dreams

Life is a series of choices. And each decision we make eliminates the possibility of other paths. Divorce is a do-over in many ways. Some of those dreams that were sacrificed for earlier choices may be on the table again. See your dreams as a type of brainstorming. Allow them to flow without judgement or censorship. Explore the possibilities and alternates. Don’t rush into making decisions; enjoy the fantasies for a time. Expand your potential. And then act on it.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
downsize

One of the most gut-wrenching sensations during divorce is to be by yourself in what was the marital home. It’s a different type of alone than the kind that comes when your spouse is away on a business trip. It’s a hollowing. A fragile glass sphere rattling around in a sharp-edged box with no padding for protection. It’s a tangible experience of the loss, the cleaving. The house feels deserted. An empty vessel that once held life and possibilities now only serves as a backdrop for memories.

And the house isn’t the only area that is often too big after divorce. The life you built with your partner expanded to hold both you. And maybe you’re lost within its generous boundaries. Divorce can be a time for contraction, a time for simplification and retreat.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider downsizing during divorce:

Space

A large home requires a large bank account and a large amount of energy, both of which may be in short supply during your divorce. There is a freedom that can be found in occupying a smaller space. Be honest about your needs and your resources. If you do not have kids, this can be a great time to rent a room or move into the city. If you have children, consider other options within their school district. If you are staying in the marital home, simplify it. Consider how you can save time and money around the house. And, by all means, make the space your own.

It can feel strange moving from home ownership back to apartment life. It feels like back-sliding, especially in our culture where owning a home is both a status symbol and a sign of adulthood. But this isn’t a time to worry about keeping up with the Jonees. This is a time for rest and recharge. The Joneses be damned.

Obligations

Many of us are overextended. We have obligations to family, work and friends. We then weigh those even more by piling on the “shoulds,” which are simply self-imposed obligations. Divorce is a time of letting go. Not just of the marriage, but of anything that is clutter in your life. Consider all of your commitments. Do they still fit? Are there some that no longer serve you and your life purpose? Release them. Practice saying “no” when asked to carry additional weight. If you have been lax about boundaries in your personal or professional life, now is a great time to reinforce them. And if people take offense at your new, less sycophantic self, just blame it on post-divorce psychosis.

Belongings

Clutter tends to accumulate not only in our obligations, but also in our closets. Go through your stuff and sell what you can (check with your attorney first if you’re still in the legal process); you probably need money now more than you need that fancy watch or cute shoes that are too expensive to actually wear. Purge your mementos from the marriage. Even if you want to keep some, you have no reason to keep them all. Too much is paralyzing, especially when we are already weakened. So remove the excess and find peace in the space left behind.

Friends

Divorce has a way of revealing your true friends. You learn that some of those you thought had your back, only had it in smooth seas and sunny days. This isn’t a time to be overly concerned with social niceties and excessive politeness. If a friend is making you feel lousy or anxious, let them go. Invest your energy in the relationships that help to build you up and make you feel connected.

Television

During divorce, your brain practically demands distractions. Reality is pretty sucky and so anything seems preferable. Even (or maybe especially) bad television. Now, I’m not saying you have to cancel your cable or disavow your Netflix, but I am recommending you set limits. Television is an attractive escape because it is a passive one, requiring nothing of you other than attention. But its very nature acts a pause button. Because while you’re watching, nothing else is happening. You may be distracted, but you’re also not changing anything. The pain will still be there when the power is clicked “off.”

Social Media

Social media is a double-edged sword during divorce. It allows you to be connected to friends and family across the world in a time when you need all the support you can get. On the other hand, it has a devious way of showing you pictures of your ex, smiling with a new partner. And even if you manage to avoid the jarring pictures of your ex moving on, there is still the Photoshopped world that makes you feel less than. Be judicious in your consumption of social media. Maybe shift to phone calls/texts/emails with the people who matter and ignore for a time the people that don’t.

Worries

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yet, in divorce, even the small stuff feels big. Try to focus on what is really important:

Do you have a place to live (even temporarily)?

Do you have a source of income?

Are your children safe?

Are your basic needs being met (food, safety, sleep, etc.)?

Do you have a support system?

Cool. Everything else is just details. Release your worries. You don’t have to know everything today. Just the next step.

Related: 7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce