A Day-By-Day Survival Guide to Get You Through the First Month of an Unwanted Divorce, Part 1

Posted on by stilllearning2b
survival guide

Imagine a world where whenever you find yourself in over your head, an emergency survival guide for your immediate situation would suddenly appear. It would be succinct and on-point, telling you exactly what you need to know to make it through to the next day and only what you need to know to make it to the next day. The guide would be responsive, changing suggestions and recommendations based upon your current circumstances.

This is the day-by-day guide I wish I had to get me through the first month of a sudden and unwanted divorce.

Day One

Change the wallpaper on your phone and computer to the following message (or something similar):

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You may also want to post it around your house. You don’t have to believe it yet. Just post it.

And make sure you can see it when you start calling attorneys.

Day Two

Tell somebody.

Maybe you feel ashamed or guilty. Maybe you want to protect those around you from the situation. Maybe you’re afraid of appearing weak or vulnerable.

Get over it.

You can’t do this alone. Tell a trusted friend or family member what is happening. The trusted part is important. You need an ally, not a saboteur.

Day Three

Find your cry space. Maybe it’s your car in an empty parking lot, the sanctuary in the church across from your office or in the pool, where the water washes the tears away. It only needs to be a place where you feel safe letting down the walls.

Consider journaling. The paper absorbs the tears.

12 Reasons to Journal After Your Divorce

Day Four

Don’t try to pretend that everything is normal. It’s not. Take some time off work. Call in a family member to help care for the children. Let the laundry slide and allow somebody else to head the upcoming presentation.

Allow yourself to not live up to your everyday expectations of yourself. This isn’t everyday.

And beating yourself up won’t help you get any better. So be kind to yourself instead.

7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Day Five

Develop your elevator speech. At this point, people around you are going to sense that something is going on, even if they do not know the particulars. And perhaps you don’t want them to know the particulars. Or, even if you’re okay sharing, you’re afraid that the floodgates may open at the wrong time.

Write a one-sentence explanation to give to people. Keep it simple and rehearse it until you can say it without tears or elaboration.

Feel free to steal the one I used after a friend gave it to me – “I’m in the middle of a major life renovation.”

Day Six

Enlist a publicity specialist. Not a professional one, unless you happen to be famous enough that your divorce is in the tabloids, but an informal one. The elevator speech is useful for relative strangers or people on the outside of your circle, but those closer to you will need more information. And if you don’t act proactively, they will either push you to talk before you’re ready or the rumor mill will be activated.

So enlist somebody to deliver the news to those who need to be in the know. Tell them what information you want delivered and what you want to keep private for now.

Day Seven

Check your sleep. At this point, the initial shock has faded into a zombie-like approach to daily life. You are preparing for a marathon, not a sprint. And you need to be rested. If you’re not sleeping, get help. You may need medication. It’s okay. There’s no shame in asking for help.

accept help

Sleeping too much is also a sign you may need help. If you’re struggling to simply get out of bed after the first week, it’s time to check in with a doctor or therapist. It’s okay. There’s no shame in asking for help.

Day Eight

Complete a social media and phone purge. Unfriend those who don’t bring you up. Or maybe decide to take a break from social media entirely for a time. Clean out your phone of photos you don’t want to stumble across or texts that bring tears. You don’t have to delete anything right now, just perform the digital equivalent of taking the photos off the wall.

One suggestion I read for those of you that have children – change your soon-to-be-ex’s name on your phone to “co parent.” It’s a powerful reminder of what is most important in a divorce with children involved.

And while you’re at your purge, examine your physical space as well. Sleeping alone but your sheets still carry the scent of the-one-who-is-now-gone? Wash them. A special gift taunting you from its resting spot? Put it away for now. Your brain will bring up enough painful memories on its own. No reason to help it along.

Day Nine

Nurture yourself today. Get a massage. Go to a nice restaurant and savor the service. Sleep in. Whatever sends the message to you that you are valuable and special. Do it. Feel it.

Don’t let one person decide your worth.

Day Ten

Buy a belt.

I bet by now your weight is starting to change. Either you respond to stress by refusing to eat or you use food to soothe the void in your heart. Either way, after several days, the effects will show. Don’t worry about them yet. Just make sure that your pants aren’t falling off.

Days 11-20 are in in Part Two of the Day-By-Day Survival Guide.

Life In Transition

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had coffee with a friend recently who is in the middle of a Major Life Renovation. She has gone from a known life and full home to an existence in flux and an empty apartment.

I did a lot of listening.

And I left her with three pieces of advice for a life in transition:

One – Plant Your Seed

When you take the leap from one life to a new one, it is so easy to focus on what is left behind rather than embrace the possibilities for the future.

I felt this acutely in my early months. I had gone from a home (not to mention a husband and dogs) to a spare bedroom in a friend’s house. It was exactly what I needed at the time, yet I knew that it was only temporary and I struggled to imagine the next step. Let alone how in the world I would ever have enough money or strength to take it.

One Saturday afternoon, I wandered through some stores trying to keep the loneliness and uncertainty at bay. I found myself inside Cost Plus World Market, where my eye was drawn immediately to a brightly-colored and patterned throw. I slid off the ribbons that were holding it bound into a neat square and flung the fabric over a nearby chair. I stood there for what seemed like half the afternoon, looking at the colors and running the woven blanket through my fingers.

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It was a throw that would have been vetoed by my couldn’t-be-ex-soon-enough husband. And maybe that was part of why I felt myself drawn to it. But I think there was more to it. The colors spoke of life. Of energy. The pattern was wild and a little unpredictable. That blanket was the seed that I wanted my life to grow into.

That day, I spent $60 I didn’t have at the time to buy a throw that I had no place for at the time.

Eight months later, I moved into my first apartment and the throw found a home on the sofa after inspiring the color choices for the art.

And now that blanket sits in my meditation nook, where I use it to cover myself as I sit in gratitude for the life it hatched.

Find your seed. Your inspiration. Plant it. Nurture it.

And let it grow.

Two – Be a Student of Life

I love the saying that life is the hardest teacher you’ll ever have – she gives the test first and only then provides the lesson.

Transitions are tests. Often very difficult tests. It’s easy to become so concerned about passing that we lose sight of the bigger picture.

With everything changing around you, your view can become me-centric, everything else simply orbiting around.

Take a deep breath. Take a step back. And take a quick read. One little book. Four little ideas.

One enormous lesson.

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Three – Savor the Moment

Those moments between are special. While in transition, it’s easy to yearn for stability and certainty. Those will come again before you know and along with them, the fear of change and risk. There is a freedom in not knowing what comes next. The lack of expectation is a gift. Enjoy it.

I like to compare those times of metamorphosis with a freshly-fallen snow before any prints have been pressed into its surface. It’s cold. It may even be inhospitable, hiding dangerous terrain beneath its gloss. Yet it is also beautiful in its unblemished purity.

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Enjoy the possibilities. Enjoy the unknown. Enjoy the open canvas ready for you to paint your new life.

Before you know it, this time will be over. A mere memory. One chapter in a life full of stories.

Learning to Love the Game

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I didn’t grow up around football. All I knew about the sport was that others seemed to be obsessed with the scores while I was obsessed with the way the guys looked in their tight-fitting uniforms. I could have cared less about what they were doing with the pigskin.

All of that changed for me when Brock and I started dating. We met just after football season and were getting pretty serious by the time the next season rolled around. And I realized I had a choice – either see what all the fuss was about and see if I found it interesting or accept that I would never see my husband in the fall.

I chose the former.

For the first year, I asked a lot of questions. And I learned how to follow the game and anticipate the strategy.

But I wasn’t really a fan. I felt no emotion when our team was up or when they were down.

By year two, I was starting to watch the games on my own even when Brock was on the road.

And by year three? I was hooked.

And now it’s year five. Brock is teaching and I’m curled up on the couch with the Falcon’s game on the screen and my computer in my lap.

So why did this sports-inept, introverted bookworm decide she loves football? Here’s why –

  1. I enjoy the trash talk. As an only child, I wasn’t part of the normal ribbing that siblings give each other. It’s fun to participate in its good-natured fun as an adult.

2. I love riding the emotional roller coaster of a good game. It’s purgative. A release. And I especially enjoy it because the outcomes don’t really matter. It’s much the same as the thrill from a scary movie or a good ride. Or, if it’s an especially great game, jumping out of a plane🙂

3. There is something comforting about being part of a larger group. Of belonging. When I see other Ravens’ shirts, I immediately know that I have something in common with that person.

4. As a Type A+ person, I enjoy the excuse to relax. And it’s timed perfectly with the exhale of fall and after the initial school year craziness. And football in front of a roaring fire is absolutely the best!

5. I tend to be in my head. A lot. It’s nice to do something that doesn’t require too much thinking sometimes. It’s just football.  No deeper meaning required.

6. Football encourages you to live in the moment. You can try to anticipate. To plan. But surprises always await.

7. In our world that is increasingly excessively politically correct, it’s refreshing to be around fans of the sport that tend to say it like it is. Instead of the thesaurus-laden speech meant to soften the blow.

8. The athleticism of the players never ceases to amaze me. A 6’2” 290-lb man that can sprint faster than I can? Mad respect.

9. Football fans know that some seasons are simply bad. And all you can do is accept that. And stay loyal regardless all while hoping that the next season will be better. Good lesson for life. None of us are always winners.

10. Most football fans learn how to take a loss. They may be crying into their beers or collapsed on the floor, but most will still extend a fist bump to a rival fan with a choked-up, “Good game, man.” I like that.

11. Football teams and players have to be responsive and adaptive. If they always play the game the way they want instead of the game their opposing team requires, they will not be successful. It’s a good reminder to be flexible.

12. It’s not over until it’s over. I used to make the mistake of assuming (and verbalizing) a win or a loss several minutes before the end. I’ve learned. No matter how dire the circumstances, there is always hope.

13. Loyalty to a team is greater than a single player or a single play. Once you’ve sworn your allegiance, you’re in. For the good times and the bad. And you never, ever act ashamed of your team even when they pull bonehead moves.

14. I’m a big fan of scheduled smiles. And football’s schedule allows consistent anticipation and regular games.

15. Injuries happen. Sometimes they are life-changing. But the players also demonstrate amazing strength and perseverance in pushing through their limitations. I respect that.

16. And on a more serious note, football (and often its players), brings important conversations to the forefront with audiences that may not usually be engaged in the topic (I’m thinking mainly of domestic violence here but mental health is also a frequent flyer). As for deflategate, I have a post about cheating in a broader sense currently brewing.

Yes, football is just a sport. It has its share of controversy and sh*tty people.

But it also has given me many lovely afternoons on the couch with my husband, where we celebrate every touchdown with a kiss. It has provided many hours at the local sports bar where we engage in banter with all of the fans, regardless of team. It’s helped me de-stress from rough days at work, wringing out the tension and emotion as I follow the plays.

And now I have something to wear when we have team spirit day at school:)

And Tiger has something to wear too!

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9 Reasons You’re Struggling to Find Love Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love struggling

Are you struggling to find love again after divorce?

 

“I’m never going to find anybody else.”

“I’m doomed to die an old cat lady.”

“Nobody else is ever going to love me like he/she did.”

“My ex was the one. And now he/she is gone and I’m alone.”

I hear it all the time. Variations on a theme. A composition of loneliness and longing that often settles into bitterness and resolve.

After divorce or a break up, most people enter a phase of chosen singlehood. It is a period to regain sanity, re-establish self and start the steps into a new life. If kids are in the picture, this swearing-off of partnership may last until the children are grown and gone.

Yet at some point, most people decide (or, even if it is not a conscious choice, start to respond to a pull towards) to enter a new relationship. To entertain the thought of dating and be open to the idea of love.

Some people are happy and fulfilled single and make a thoughtful decision to stay solo. This is not for them.

This is for those that want love but cannot seem to find it.

Those who sign up for online dating and never seem to get past the first coffee date. Those who think they found somebody only for the nascent relationship to spectacularly explode before its first anniversary. Those who only seem to attract the broken or seem to always end up with the sh*tty people. Those that are tired of watching everybody else pair off while they’re afraid they will never again be picked.

 

 

If you want love,

you want a partner

but you feel like giving up,

This is for you.

You’re Scared of Being Vulnerable

Relationships are hard. Damned hard. And anyone who tells you differently is selling something. After experiencing the anguish at the end of a relationship, it is so tempting (and so easy) to keep others at an arm’s distance. But that never works; love is all or none. If you have walls built around your heart (even if you didn’t intentionally construct them), you are keeping love away.

In order to love, you have to be willing to accept the very real risk of loss of love. Personally, I think trade-off is well worth it (even when I’m feeling overly vulnerable), but you will have to decide for yourself if and when it’s worth it in your own life.

 

You’re Looking to Fill Your Ex’s Shoes

When something or someone slides into our pasts, it can be easy to look back with rose-tinted glasses. Smoothing over the rough spots and settling on the good. Additionally, when we are with someone for a period of time, we grow accustomed to their particular strengths and can easily take them for granted and assume they are universal traits.

This can combine to creating an ex-shaped hole in your life that you are looking to fill exactly by seeking a doppelgänger. Perhaps you might find someone that seems to fit the gap, but then you discover some characteristic that causes discord in your assumptions. Or, you find that potential partners sense that they are replacements and they leave in search of somebody who wants them as they are.

A new relationship will never be the same as your former one. It will be different. And be open to the idea that different can be better. It means that you will have to accept the lack of some things you used to take for granted and it means you will be surprised by new benefits you didn’t have before.

And most importantly, it means that you have to take responsibility for filling that ex-shaped hole before you go looking for love. Be a partner to love. Not a cavity to fill.

 

You’re Seeking Perfection

Sometimes when a relationship ends, we assign its failure to its imperfection. And so we seek the ideal. The guaranteed. This time, we want the real thing. The soul mate and the fairy tale. Because if we can just find the perfect person, it will all work out.

And there is truth in some of that. At its most basic, your marriage did fail because of imperfection. Not just with the situation. And not just with your spouse. But also with you. Because nothing and no one is flawless and faultless.

Real love, lasting love, doesn’t begin with perfection. It begins with the acceptance (and open discussion) of imperfection. Perfection assumes you say, “I do” and then you’re done. You just sit back for the ride. Acceptance of the idea that we are all always learning creates the foundation for a growth mindset marriage. Not perfect, but fulfilling.

 

Your Actions Don’t Align With Your Intentions

It’s easy to say you want love. It’s easy to complain about the quality of the people on dating sites or the lack of options in your environment. Words take little energy. Wishes even less.

Love doesn’t come to the lazy. Especially love after loss.

If you want a relationship, ensure that your actions match your intentions. Get out and meet people. Lead with curiosity rather than judgement. Say “yes” to experiences and opportunities.

If you want a relationship, don’t act like you’re on the prowl. Act with integrity. Be trustworthy. Show that you can be committed. Don’t claim you want stability while you’re refusing to stand still. And most importantly, be the person you hope to attract.

 

You Are Sending Out Warning Signals

We are often unaware at the subtle signals that we are constantly receiving from others and sending out to those around us. And even those these signals are often subtle and below conscious awareness, they are powerful.

Do you keep attracting broken people that seem to need fixing or parenting? Perhaps you’re unwittingly sending out the message that you need to be needed in order to feel okay about yourself.

Do you keep attracting control-freaks that at first want to “save” you only to later try to dictate your life? Maybe your damsel-in-distress call has been heard by someone that needs to feel powerful.

Do you continually have people abandon you? Is it possible that you come across as too clingy, your intense neediness inadvertently pushing others away?

It’s hard to see these signals head-on; it’s often easier to spot them in the patterns of our relationships. If you always seem to end up in the same position, look to your own insecurities to learn why.

 

You’re Looking For Too Much Too Soon

When you’ve been married or in a long-term relationship, you acclimate to the intimacy of a well-known person. You become comfortable. Safe. And it’s easy to except to find that same feeling again.

But that’s impossible.

Because relationships are formed, not found.

It takes time and effort to develop a partnership. Instead of looking for insta-intimacy (which is usually just lust and/or desperation), look for someone that has the raw materials that you want that you believe you can build a relationship with.

 

You’re Still Anchored to the Past

It’s easy to be so done with the past that you try to move on too soon. There is a reason that the saying, “The best way to get over a man is to get under another” exists. There is nothing wrong with post-divorce flings, but don’t confuse them with love.

When you’re still enmeshed in your past, either situationally or emotionally, you are not creating the space or providing the nourishment for a new relationship.

Maybe you just need time. Or maybe you need some help.

But you have to let go before you can move on.

 

You Are Not Happy With Yourself

This is especially common with people who have been subjected to abuse, abandonment or infidelity. It is so easy to internalize your partner’s actions. To take them personally. To assume that unloving actions and words were directed at you because you are somehow flawed. Unlovable.

And when you believe that, others will begin to believe it as well.

Finding love with and for another has to begin with finding love for yourself. With forgiving your own mistakes and seeing your own beauty.

And the first step is realizing that when somebody treats you poorly, they are telling you more about their character than about your worth.

 

You Tell Yourself, “I’m Never Going to Find Love Again”

When you prime the pump for failure, don’t be surprised when you fail. Yes, learning to be open and vulnerable again is hard. Yes, finding somebody that meets your needs and puts up with your flaws is hard. Yes, relationships are harder when we are older have have more complications in our lives. And yes, getting a relationship past the early dates and into love is hard.

And hard doesn’t mean impossible.

Never say never.

 

What Took Me So Long?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

What took me so long?

I’ve muttered under my breath for the past three weeks all while mentally kicking myself for being so stupid. Stubborn. Slow to act.

I’m not even sure what was motivating (okay, demotivating) my actions (or non-actions, I suppose).

I think some of comes down to not wanting to admit to myself that I made a mistake.

That I chose poorly.

Over five years ago, I moved from the spare bedroom in my friend’s home to my own apartment. And I was starting from scratch. As in, I didn’t even own a towel, much less a spoon. And so, like the list-maker I am, I researched the bigger products and price-shopped the smaller ones. I then compiled a spreadsheet of everything I would need.

And for the most part, I’ve been very happy with my choices as they’ve seen me through that apartment and into a new marriage and a new home.

But there was one exception.

One lemon amongst the rest.

The food processor/blender combo.

I never owned a food processor before because I never really cooked that much before. But that was before the tsunami, before I learned the importance of nurturing myself and before I became acclimated to my friend’s food processor. As a health-conscious vegetarian, I chop a lot of vegetables. And I mean A LOT. And I’m not fast about it, thus the decision to buy a machine that would simplify this for me.

But mine was nothing like hers. The blade became jammed on the stem upon its inaugural use, making both removing the food and cleaning the device a limb-threatening exercise. There apparently was some wormhole in the machine, because huge pieces of vegetable matter could escape the whirling dervish of the blades seemingly unscathed.

But the worst part was the size. Or, more accurately, the lack thereof. Whenever I would make cauliflower rice (something I love to eat!), my kitchen would look like a blizzard managed to break down the front door. And the pan would have just a light dusting of the cruciferous veg.

For over five years, I’ve been cursing this little disappointment of a device every time I pulled it out. Actually, I think I cursed it even more while it nestled safely in the cabinet while I tediously chopped carrots into tiny. little. pieces.

And three weeks ago, I finally had it.

And after 20 minutes of internet research, a few clicks on Amazon and a grand total of $40, I now have a new machine. And the curses have been replaced with praises. The frustration with glee. (I know that sounds extreme, but 30 minutes of prep cut down to 3? That is glee. Pure and simple.) And the pan is now overflowing with cauliflower rice while the floors and counters remain blizzard-free.

And now I wonder what in the hell took me so long?

Was I being stupid? Stubborn? Slow to act?

Yes to all three.

Inaction is easy. Even when you’re not happy.

Excuses are easy. Even when they’re lame.

Complaining is easy. Even when it changes nothing.

So here’s what I want to know – what decision did you wait too long to make? One that once you took the step, you wondered why you ever waited so long to act?

Please, help me out here and let me know I’m not alone! 🙂

Oh, and just in case you’re not laughing at me yet, I have another one for you. For my lunch this week, I made stuffed peppers. And the peppers are just firm enough that they require the use of a knife and fork.

Should be no problem for a grown woman, right?

Wrong.

As an almost-lifelong vegetarian, I eat very few foods that require the use of a knife. And so at lunch today, I clumsily passed the utensils between my hands until finally settling on holding the knife in my right fist like some poker while lamely trying to coordinate the two hands to saw off a bite. And I had to go through this process for every single ungainly bite.

My coworker compared me to his 6-year-old son.

He was being generous.

Facepalm.

Now, your turn. What decision did you put off for far too long???